Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents UPDATED on p 2
marymoon
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Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents UPDATED on p 2
Was there anything that you decided to do with the wedidng or your lioves that you knew your parents woud not approve of? How did you break it them?
Now that we're talking to FILs again, we really have to break it to them that we're having the ceremony in church, rather than having them find out on the invite. I just don't know how to do it. is there away that will make it better, ro do we just have to tell them and brace ourselves for the tirade?
nov06
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
My Mom hates the fact that I'm not getting married in a church and seeing FH before the ceremony to take pics. She also doesn't like that I'm having a day wedding.
marymoon
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by nov06
My Mom hates the fact that I'm not getting married in a church and seeing FH before the ceremony to take pics. She also doesn't like that I'm having a day wedding.
How did you deal with telling her all of this? Was there a big blowup?
StreetDoc6531
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
One of the few things I learned from my first wedding was that this is your and your FH's day. You can never turn around and get a 'do-over'. If the people that are coming, family or not, don't really like some of your ideas than tuff stuff. This is about celebrating the love that that you have and presenting your lifelong commitment to the people that you love. If these people love and support you they will stand by your choices. They may not agree but they should respect your decisions. Good Luck!!!
nov06
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
I just told her matter of factly. It's my wedding and I'm paying for it. I wouldn't say there was a 'blow-up' but she repeatedly tells me how 'disappointed' she is that I won't be getting married in a church and it won't be as special. I mean, she says the same things over and over again until I am about to have a big blow up with her. She needs to get over it because I'm not changing a thing.
marymoon
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
You're right, but I don't want a fight, and I don't want threats thay they won't come etc. FFIL threatened to not come if it was in a church,, or if we didn['t invite FSIL, etc etc..
nov06
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by marymoon
You're right, but I don't want a fight, and I don't want threats thay they won't come etc. FFIL threatened to not come if it was in a church,, or if we didn['t invite FSIL, etc etc..
You know what, if people want to threaten not to come, I've come to the point of saying 'then don't'. If these people love and care for you, they will be there. If they're not, they're only hurting themselves.
SuzBride
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by nov06
My Mom hates the fact that I'm not getting married in a church and seeing FH before the ceremony to take pics. She also doesn't like that I'm having a day wedding.
My mom and the FILs were very upset that we aren't getting married in a church or by a priest (they won't marry us outside the church building since we are both Catholics). We told them that we are sorry but we both really wanted an outdoor wedding, and it would make us happy (and it is our wedding). They are slowly getting over it - albeit with random spurts of disappointment/disapproval.
StreetDoc6531
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by marymoon
You're right, but I don't want a fight, and I don't want threats thay they won't come etc. FFIL threatened to not come if it was in a church,, or if we didn['t invite FSIL, etc etc..
I ran into this also with my ex-in laws family members. Certain cousins didnt want to come if some of the other Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were invited. So Ex-H sat them all down, told them that we were getting married and having a special day whether there was 10 people that showed or 1000 people that showed. We let them know that they were hurting our feelings by their behavior but that we also would not tolerate any added stress provided by them. We told them that if they could not put their opinions and animosity aside for our sake for a few hours that we didnt want them there. They staightened their asses right out b/c none of them wanted to look bad!!
MrsWmson2be
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
I am Catholic & fiance is Jewish. I've had every sacrament done in a church since my baptism. Since we aren't marrying in a church, we had too hard of a time finding a priest who would marry outside the church. So, we're having a rabbi & reverend officiate our ceremony, which I'm fine with.
My sister was most upset (as she is religious) that we won't be getting married in a church. My parents are a moderately uncomfortable that the whole ceremony will be predominantly jewish (i.e. yarmulkes, parents standing at chuppah, hebrew sayings, etc.) as they feel both sides aren't being represented fairly. They were ok that rabbi would be there and ok with yarmulkes, and ok that ceremony wouldn't be in a church, but don't want to feel compelled to stand under chuppah and feel weird that it will look weird if they don't. Plus, they and fiance, feel it will look strange that only dad, and not mom, is walking me down the aisle. The ceremony will look completely 'unbalanced' and this worries me but I don't think my parents should have to comply or feel uncomfortable either. I'm in a similar boat and semi-stressed out over it.
SeptBride70
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
i had to break it to the FIL's that we are not having physical favors but a donation made in each person's name as a favor... i know it doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, including myself. but for some reason they were so passionate about having a physical favor and for more than a lot of reasons i did not want one. so i had to tell them and i just said i know that you are going to disagree but i really hope that you can put how you feel aside b/c this is what vinny (fh) and i really want. there was tension... did they bicker with me about it? of course but ultimately it is me and my fh's wedding and not theirs.
i'm trying to think if there was anything else?? hmm... The RD: FMIL wanted to invite all of creation and i wanted it to be 'low key' and just the bridal party and speakers like traditional-- MAYBE a few OOT guests who are coming from far (like a state that's further than NJ!!)... and she wanted to invite close friends, neighbors-- EVERYONE... so I just sat her down with FH and we basically said how we felt about it--i let FH do most of the talking and just told them how I really felt and that it would mean a lot to me to do it 'low-key' especially right before the wedding.
Again, they were not thrilled but the dealt with it-- they should be more understanding of what you and your FH want and how you feel.
i hope they are!!! good luck! just keep in mind that you are going to do what makes you happy no matter how they feel and they'll get over it eventually.
SeptBride70
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by nov06
Posted by marymoon
You're right, but I don't want a fight, and I don't want threats thay they won't come etc. FFIL threatened to not come if it was in a church,, or if we didn['t invite FSIL, etc etc..
You know what, if people want to threaten not to come, I've come to the point of saying 'then don't'. If these people love and care for you, they will be there. If they're not, they're only hurting themselves.
yes i totally agree... to threaten you is really wrong of them and you shouldn't have to take it.
JanuaryBride06
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by marymoon
Was there anything that you decided to do with the wedidng or your lioves that you knew your parents woud not approve of? How did you break it them?
Now that we're talking to FILs again, we really have to break it to them that we're having the ceremony in church, rather than having them find out on the invite. I just don't know how to do it. is there away that will make it better, ro do we just have to tell them and brace ourselves for the tirade?
I can see how you fear that telling them this would make them stop talking to you again - but there's no easy way to tell them. Religion is a personal and touchy subject.
I think that the best thing would be to let FH tell his parents about the decision. Tell them that you made this choice as a couple and that you both agree that this was the best decision that you could come to together.
Let them react - there's no way to prevent it. But it's best to be straight foward now than to deal with the mess of them finding out by invitation.
LaurenluvsTJ
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
I answered this on the '06 board, and again I agree with Mel. Religion is an EXTREMELY touchy subject. The others who answered here are not getting married in a church, but they are not getting married in another religion's house of worship either, they are doing it on neutral territory. I think by getting married in the church your FMIL will take it that you are totally shunning her family's religion and traditions. I know the wedding is totally about you and FH but it is also about the joining of two families. You are shutting his family out by having a church ceremony. I know every time I go to something at a church I feel uncomfortable, as I am unfamiliar with the traditions... again I really think you should reconsider this decision.
dani18
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
MJDoc12
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
Posted by marymoon
You're right, but I don't want a fight, and I don't want threats thay they won't come etc. FFIL threatened to not come if it was in a church,, or if we didn['t invite FSIL, etc etc..
Please don't take this the wrong way--but you have to get the 'I want to please everyone' attitude OUT of your head!!!!! If you are gonna do something just in hopes that 'there won't be a fight' and not cause you want to--you will regret it later. If someone has the AUDACITY to tell you that they won't come if you don't do something to their liking--you know what i'd say? 'You will be missed.' That's it. end of story....family members who try and hold you hostage like that are being selfish and are forgetting that this is NOT about them--it's about you and your FH.
beachychic
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
I'm jewish and Fi is catholic. We had to break it to my dad that we would be having a priest co-officiate with the Rabbi. I was sooo scared to tell him b/c he's very religious and I thought there was a chance he wouldn't come to the wedding. When I told him, my face was red and my voice was shaky. He could tell I was really nervous. When I told him, he just said ok, I understand! I was so relieved.
Now, we just have to break it to my grandmother.
MrsWmson2be
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
My FILs said that if they couldn't stand under the chuppah or they couldnt have a minske (sp?) they wouldn't come, and they wouldn't invite their friends. What choice did i have, sadly? their friends make up over half our guests.
lipglossjunky73
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
We had to break to our parents that we are having a Jeiwsh buddhist wedding... they just shook their heads...
ShortBride
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Re: Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents
I agree that your FH should be the one to tell them.
I also just wanted you and FH to be prepared for the fact that your FMIL might not attend the wedding. I'm not saying its right - i disagree completely - but I wanted you guys to be prepared for the possibility. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
