Sort of a repost: 'breaking:' things to parents UPDATED on p 2

The thing is, we are having a completelyt ninterfith ceremony, priest and a rabbi, huppah, circling, 7 blessings, the whole nine. They wanted us to have it at a 'neutral' place, but we couldn;t find a place we thought was significantly beautiful (and large) for our ceremony. we feel that he hall ceremony site is cold and depressing. We've been to several weddings in reception halls, hotels, and we just didnt like te feel of any one of them. FH doens't have a connection to a temple, and I have such a huge conenction to my church, and FH attends with me too, so it's a significant, beautiful place. It took us a long time to come to this decision, and I know it's a huge sacrifice on FH's part, and I appreciate that. We both feel that his family should respect his decision I understand why they would feel uncomfortable, but we are doing out best to honor both traditions. At first we right off the bat said we were going tog et marrie din my church, even before we were engaged b/c FH knew how important it was to me, but then his family was really upset by it, so we looked long and hard for a suitable 'eutral' site, but it seemed like the church would be the best place. I hope they can try to come to understand that.

ETA: I don't want to offend anyone who is getting married at the reception hall. For us, it just wasn't what we envisioned.

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Posted by MrsWmson2be

I am Catholic & fiance is Jewish. I've had every sacrament done in a church since my baptism. Since we aren't marrying in a church, we had too hard of a time finding a priest who would marry outside the church. So, we're having a rabbi & reverend officiate our ceremony, which I'm fine with.

My sister was most upset (as she is religious) that we won't be getting married in a church. My parents are a moderately uncomfortable that the whole ceremony will be predominantly jewish (i.e. yarmulkes, parents standing at chuppah, hebrew sayings, etc.) as they feel both sides aren't being represented fairly. They were ok that rabbi would be there and ok with yarmulkes, and ok that ceremony wouldn't be in a church, but don't want to feel compelled to stand under chuppah and feel weird that it will look weird if they don't. Plus, they and fiance, feel it will look strange that only dad, and not mom, is walking me down the aisle. The ceremony will look completely 'unbalanced' and this worries me but I don't think my parents should have to comply or feel uncomfortable either. I'm in a similar boat and semi-stressed out over it.

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Are you sure you looked hard enough for a priest? It's not hard to find one at all who will marry you outside the church. They will all do it. They have to! The rule is 2 Catholics cannot get married outside the church....but if a Catholic is marrying a non-catholic and the non-catholic is not comfortable with getting married inside the church, they will marry you outside the church. They fill out paperwork requesting this and you get a dispensation from the Bishop and they recognize your marriage in the eyes of the church. So if it means a lot to you - look again. A priest has to do it! It's the law/rule of the Catholic Church. I know this b/c this is what I am doing. FH is also Jewish. My priest actually loves doing interfaith weddings - he thinks they are so beautiful. Oh - the only thing is you can't get married outdoors....for some odd reason the rule is it has to be inside somewhere...with 4 walls!

And to the original poster.....I wish you luck with breaking the news to the family. I had this problem with mine...my father is not ok with us getting married outside the church. First threatened not to come which I really would be ok with b/c I'm afraid of him ruining my special day. THen he agreed to come but said he wouldn't be happy and couldn't promise me anything. Also told me he cannot participate in my wedding the way he did for my sisters.....meaning he will not give me away as long as it's outside the church. So - my mother is giving me away which I think is the way it should be. She's amazing and my best friend and mother's of the bride are overlooked in my opinion. She deserves more than anyone to give me away! My dad thinks he will just sit in the front row as a guest....and watch my mother give me away. I think not! I have told him he's not invited to the ceremony - he can show up for the start of the cocktail hour. But he says he will be there! We'll see about that - I might hire bouncers to keep him away from the ceremony. I'm just afraid his being there could ruin it for me. I was sad about all this at first but realized it is his loss and a decision I'm sure he'll end up regretting someday. I refuse to let him ruin this special time for me.

Sorry this is so long

KandE - thank you for your reply. We did find one priest that would do it. He was the same priest that married my fiance's brother and sister-in-law (she is Catholic also). I really don't mind if have a Reverend do it and don't have a priest since I'm not religious. However, my concern is that my family feels respected and comfortable. I tried to neautralize it, but fiance's parents wouldn't hear of it. Everything had to be done as they wanted or they told him they wouldn't go and they wouldn't invite any of their family or friends. My family has never threatened not to come, but my mom is somewhat sulking and we chose not to tell my dad all of the religious details because he has quite a temper. But i dont think he would ever threaten not to go. Id just have to hear an earful.

I didnt tell my mother about programs. they arent typically done at Jewish weddings but I wanted them because at least half of our guests are NOT Jewish and I wanted an opportunity to explain the rituals they are not familar with.

I also did not tell her we are giving out bagels and cream cheese at the end of the night.

I did not tell her that I am going to a Mikveh or that I am doing the 7 circles around FH or that we will be in seclusion after the ceremony (only long enough to scarf down a pig in a blanket).

Sometimes people comment on what they are not familiar with or what they are not used to. I really do not want to hear anyone's opinions - sometimes even family can get under your skin. My day. My way.

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Posted by marymoon

Was there anything that you decided to do with the wedidng or your lioves that you knew your parents woud not approve of? How did you break it them?

Now that we're talking to FILs again, we really have to break it to them that we're having the ceremony in church, rather than having them find out on the invite. I just don't know how to do it. is there away that will make it better, ro do we just have to tell them and brace ourselves for the tirade?

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I think you should let them know beforehand, b/c waiting for them to find out when the invite goes out is going to make things even worse. Now that you've re-opened the lines of communication, telling them prior may be a way of keeping it open.

Good luck.

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Posted by CJStein

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Posted by marymoon

Was there anything that you decided to do with the wedidng or your lioves that you knew your parents woud not approve of? How did you break it them?

Now that we're talking to FILs again, we really have to break it to them that we're having the ceremony in church, rather than having them find out on the invite. I just don't know how to do it. is there away that will make it better, ro do we just have to tell them and brace ourselves for the tirade?

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I think you should let them know beforehand, b/c waiting for them to find out when the invite goes out is going to make things even worse. Now that you've re-opened the lines of communication, telling them prior may be a way of keeping it open.

Good luck.

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Thanks..yeah now that we're talking to them i think it's the only respectful thing to do. That's kind of why I had FH call her in the first place. I know things have been hard and it worked to say 'eff them' for a long while, but the truth is, I don't want to go through life fighting and we have to respect his family. We don't have to do what they want, but we have to respect them. and I don't think they should find out importantg wedding details at the same time as neighbors, college friends, etc

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Posted by Goldi1021

I didnt tell my mother about programs. they arent typically done at Jewish weddings but I wanted them because at least half of our guests are NOT Jewish and I wanted an opportunity to explain the rituals they are not familar with.

I also did not tell her we are giving out bagels and cream cheese at the end of the night.

I did not tell her that I am going to a Mikveh or that I am doing the 7 circles around FH or that we will be in seclusion after the ceremony (only long enough to scarf down a pig in a blanket).

Sometimes people comment on what they are not familiar with or what they are not used to. I really do not want to hear anyone's opinions - sometimes even family can get under your skin. My day. My way.

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Leslie, after your wedding, I'd love to chat about all of these things you've decided to incorporate. We're doing the circles. His cousin had a beautiful ceremony in whch they circled one another and we loved that so much, we're doing programs and a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and favors and other things that my FMIL will flip over. I'm not jewish but I would love to do some kind of mikveh, even if it's just symbolic. I think it's so beautiful.

And yichud is more a practical consideration than anything. Could you imagine going through that entire day without a few moments alone with your new DH? It would be insane. I'm glad you're doing things in a way that's meaningful for you and I can't wait to hear all about your beautiful wedding!

I've found just blurting it out is the best way to go.

I just said to my mom. . ' so we switched churches'

She asked why,s o I said.

Beause we didn't like the other one. They were creepy. We decided we want wanted to get maried inan Episcopal church instead. Oh. And the priest is a woman.
I hope no one freaks out, but we like her.

Also, If it was something you are dead-set on, make sure it is definite before you tell anyone who might get upset.
If it is something that you is more important to them than to you, mention it first.

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Posted by KandE917

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Posted by MrsWmson2be

I am Catholic & fiance is Jewish. I've had every sacrament done in a church since my baptism. Since we aren't marrying in a church, we had too hard of a time finding a priest who would marry outside the church. So, we're having a rabbi & reverend officiate our ceremony, which I'm fine with.

My sister was most upset (as she is religious) that we won't be getting married in a church. My parents are a moderately uncomfortable that the whole ceremony will be predominantly jewish (i.e. yarmulkes, parents standing at chuppah, hebrew sayings, etc.) as they feel both sides aren't being represented fairly. They were ok that rabbi would be there and ok with yarmulkes, and ok that ceremony wouldn't be in a church, but don't want to feel compelled to stand under chuppah and feel weird that it will look weird if they don't. Plus, they and fiance, feel it will look strange that only dad, and not mom, is walking me down the aisle. The ceremony will look completely 'unbalanced' and this worries me but I don't think my parents should have to comply or feel uncomfortable either. I'm in a similar boat and semi-stressed out over it.

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Are you sure you looked hard enough for a priest? It's not hard to find one at all who will marry you outside the church. They will all do it. They have to! The rule is 2 Catholics cannot get married outside the church....but if a Catholic is marrying a non-catholic and the non-catholic is not comfortable with getting married inside the church, they will marry you outside the church. They fill out paperwork requesting this and you get a dispensation from the Bishop and they recognize your marriage in the eyes of the church. So if it means a lot to you - look again. A priest has to do it! It's the law/rule of the Catholic Church. I know this b/c this is what I am doing. FH is also Jewish. My priest actually loves doing interfaith weddings - he thinks they are so beautiful. Oh - the only thing is you can't get married outdoors....for some odd reason the rule is it has to be inside somewhere...with 4 walls!

And to the original poster.....I wish you luck with breaking the news to the family. I had this problem with mine...my father is not ok with us getting married outside the church. First threatened not to come which I really would be ok with b/c I'm afraid of him ruining my special day. THen he agreed to come but said he wouldn't be happy and couldn't promise me anything. Also told me he cannot participate in my wedding the way he did for my sisters.....meaning he will not give me away as long as it's outside the church. So - my mother is giving me away which I think is the way it should be. She's amazing and my best friend and mother's of the bride are overlooked in my opinion. She deserves more than anyone to give me away! My dad thinks he will just sit in the front row as a guest....and watch my mother give me away. I think not! I have told him he's not invited to the ceremony - he can show up for the start of the cocktail hour. But he says he will be there! We'll see about that - I might hire bouncers to keep him away from the ceremony. I'm just afraid his being there could ruin it for me. I was sad about all this at first but realized it is his loss and a decision I'm sure he'll end up regretting someday. I refuse to let him ruin this special time for me.

Sorry this is so long

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I give you guys so much credit. It is very obvious you all believe so strongly in your opinions and you truly understand the meaning of the day! It is about you and FH and the beginning of your lives together.

I get upset b/c most of FH's family isn't coming to the wedding, but here you are, strong enough to tell your dad that he can't be at the ceremony.

I guess I just think I have issues, but my issues seem so stupid when you put it all in perspective.

I don't want to look back on my day and think that what I did or how anything went that day had anything to do with anyone else other than myself or my FH. You can't please everyone, but then again, you shouldn't have to!

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Posted by drtrish03

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I give you guys so much credit. It is very obvious you all believe so strongly in your opinions and you truly understand the meaning of the day! It is about you and FH and the beginning of your lives together.

I get upset b/c most of FH's family isn't coming to the wedding, but here you are, strong enough to tell your dad that he can't be at the ceremony.

I guess I just think I have issues, but my issues seem so stupid when you put it all in perspective.

I don't want to look back on my day and think that what I did or how anything went that day had anything to do with anyone else other than myself or my FH. You can't please everyone, but then again, you shouldn't have to!

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Hi....yeah I guess I sound strong by saying I may uninvite my dad to the ceremony but I should be honest and tell you this has been one of the hardest things I've ever gone thru or had to deal with. I grew up in a very tight-knit family - I was always so close to my dad growing up. Things changed when I started dating my now fiance b/c he didn't like the fact that I was dating a jew. And then when we got engaged 5 years later...the man I looked up to my entire life ran away. He literally got in his car and drove upstate for a few days b/c he couldn't see me b/c he was so upset. That KILLED me. Here everyone was so happy for me yet my dad had to ruin that happy time for me...honestly I cried the entire first month I was engaged. I'll never forgive my father for ruining that for me. I was just so hurt - and that was at the time that he was saying he would not come to my wedding at all. I just couldn't believe he was putting his religion before his love for his daughter. Eventually the tears dried up and I realized what a jerk he was being and I was just ok with him not coming. Then he changed his mind and said he'd come but informed me he wouldn't give me away. It is all really hard on me - some days when I stop and think about it I just want to cry. But then I think of how happy I am and know I will be with my FH and I just remind myself my dad is the one who is wrong here...not me.

So it's def. not easy - I try to be strong but really am just a big mess most of the time. Unfortunately this has put a huge strain on my parent's marriage - my mom is totally on my side but of course still loves my dad - just hates him for what he's doing to me. My own priest told me my dad is being a jerk! It's just so selfish of him to think my wedding day should be all about HIM! He's not even paying for a thing.

So hang in there.....it is your day and that's all you have to remember! Don't do anything you don't want to just to please others!
Good Luck!

i had issue with invitation wording and i did it the way i wanted

i also had issues sort of with having a full mass but fh and i want a ceremony - and fmil will have to understand

im sure other issues will arise

just remember- your family is your family and they will always be there...it may be stressful but people get over things. hang in there

It must be very difficult to be in this position, but I would have your DF tell his parents that you are getting married in a church. I would want to be there if I were you, but I would have him do the talking since they are his parents.

I am not sure they will take it so well, so I might mention all of the things that you are doing to incorporate them and their faith so that they don't feel excluded.

Good luck.

as much as the FILs don't enjoy my ideas they keep telling us that it's 'our wedding' so it should be what we want, not what they want....so then everytime they try to intervene and make it more traditional and stuff, a day or 2 later i hear, you know, it is YOUR wedding and it should be about you and victor, not what we did or what someone else did....that's how i won the war on the wording of our invites! i felt like this for a while though.

So we spoke to FMIL and I had a whole convo with ehr on the phone and she was really nice and apologetic etc. FH was talking to her about the wedidng and he broke the church thing for her. I think she said something like she was gonna throw up or pass out or something, but she said she'd get over it and deal.

THEN she felt the need to remind FH that when he was a kid and sister eloped and amrried a non-jew he promised he wouldnt elope and he'd never date outside the religion.

Well anyway now she knows. She said a lot of the family probably won't come. FH said :tough shizz'

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Posted by marymoon

So we spoke to FMIL and I had a whole convo with ehr on the phone and she was really nice and apologetic etc. FH was talking to her about the wedidng and he broke the church thing for her. I think she said something like she was gonna throw up or pass out or something, but she said she'd get over it and deal.

THEN she felt the need to remind FH that when he was a kid and sister eloped and amrried a non-jew he promised he wouldnt elope and he'd never date outside the religion.

Well anyway now she knows. She said a lot of the family probably won't come. FH said :tough shizz'

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Yay I'm happy you got this over with...and sounds like you're ok with the outcome. At least she's coming...don't worry about the others. It's important that your FH's mother is there.

I know first hand how this gets crazy.

I had all my sacraments in my childhood church, andnot getting married in my church, was not an option. We had a Rabbi and Priest officiating. IT was such a beautiful ceremony....more beautiful than any I had ever been to. Our Rabbi was a woman, and it just was so nice. My In-Laws are not religious in any way, except when ti comes to weddings and babies. They do not go to temple, do not really honor the holidays, etc...but needed to put in the 2 cents for our wedding...and to honor them in a way, FH and I decided to use a Rabbi with our Priest. I know they were not thriled with the wedding being in the church, but they got over it...it was more important to them that they saw their son get married, We do not have chidren yet, but we have decided we would raise them catholic, but let them know and understand the jewish religion. I KNOW that FIL will not attend a christening, as he did nto for his other 4 grandchildren. But, to each his own...

Good Luck..I know your weddings will be beautiful no matter what....