spin off from the QOTD... RAUNCHY JOKES
some of these are DIRTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
you've been warned.
for more.. click me
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
'You're a goblin,' she says, 'I caught you and you owe me three wishes!'. So the goblin replies 'OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?'. The woman stops and thinks for a second, 'I want a huge mansion to live in.', goblins replies 'OK, you've got it.'. Woman again thinks it over, 'My second wish is a Mercedes.' 'OK, you've got that too.' 'My last wish is a million dollars!'. The goblin then says 'OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.' 'OK then, if that's what it takes...'
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
'Tell me,' says the man, 'how old are you?' 'I'm 27', she replies
the man says: '27 and you still believe in goblins'
----
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
-----
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
'Do you know what I am doing?' asks the doctor?
'Yes, checking for abnormalities.' she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, 'Do you know what I am doing now?', she replies, 'Yes, checking for cancer.'
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
She replies, 'Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!'
-----
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, 'Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!'. The woman says, 'Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!'
-----
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word 'definitely' to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said 'The sky is definitely blue'. The teacher said, 'Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy'.
Another student says, 'Grass is definitely green.' The teacher again replies 'If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.'
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher 'Do farts have lumps?' The teacher looked at him and said 'No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion.' So the student replies, 'Then I definitely s--- my pants.'
----
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, 'Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.' The grandfather replies, 'I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.'
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, 'Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.' The grandfather replies, 'I know. That's from your Grandma.'
---
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, 'What are these things daddy?' His dad said, 'Condoms son.' The boy asked, 'Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?' The dad replied, 'The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March....'
---
you've been warned.
for more.. click me
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
'You're a goblin,' she says, 'I caught you and you owe me three wishes!'. So the goblin replies 'OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?'. The woman stops and thinks for a second, 'I want a huge mansion to live in.', goblins replies 'OK, you've got it.'. Woman again thinks it over, 'My second wish is a Mercedes.' 'OK, you've got that too.' 'My last wish is a million dollars!'. The goblin then says 'OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.' 'OK then, if that's what it takes...'
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
'Tell me,' says the man, 'how old are you?' 'I'm 27', she replies
the man says: '27 and you still believe in goblins'
----
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
-----
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
'Do you know what I am doing?' asks the doctor?
'Yes, checking for abnormalities.' she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, 'Do you know what I am doing now?', she replies, 'Yes, checking for cancer.'
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
She replies, 'Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!'
-----
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, 'Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!'. The woman says, 'Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!'
-----
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word 'definitely' to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said 'The sky is definitely blue'. The teacher said, 'Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy'.
Another student says, 'Grass is definitely green.' The teacher again replies 'If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.'
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher 'Do farts have lumps?' The teacher looked at him and said 'No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion.' So the student replies, 'Then I definitely s--- my pants.'
----
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, 'Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.' The grandfather replies, 'I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.'
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, 'Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.' The grandfather replies, 'I know. That's from your Grandma.'
---
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, 'What are these things daddy?' His dad said, 'Condoms son.' The boy asked, 'Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?' The dad replied, 'The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March....'
---
