stuck between a rock and a hard place..need help! (long)

ok so i definitely understand where you are coming from with this one - obviously.

but our apartment is working out for us bc basically we set up our rules before we changed a single thing - and we are sticking by them

My parents thought some of them were silly at first. They wanted what it sounds like your parents want - us to just live in a room upstairs basically. They wanted us to come shower and cook downstairs and just sleep and 'live' upstairs. That situation was unacceptable for us and we told them that.

We have a full apartment upstairs. We put in a kitchen with an electric stove and we have a full bathroom - we do not have to go downstairs for anything except to leave the house or to come in. We have a door at the bottom of the stairs that will remain locked at all times - if we are up there or our of the house.

If i want to bake something or cook something a little bigger I will have to go downstairs to use my mom's oven since mine is small, and we are welcome to use their BBQ.

If they arent listening to your requests NOW. . . i dont think it will get better after you are married. You need a door - a door is $40 and after you leave you can take it down . . . why would they even WANT newlyweds upstairs with no door? That is the oddest thing! AND you are paying rent? We are moving in for free and still were able to make our 'demands'. If you dont set the ground rules now - it will just get worse.

I say, give it one last shot - tell them what you need and explain to them that you shouldnt be paying that much for basically a 'room' in a house. That is unacceptable!

GOOD LUCK and let me know how it goes!!

I totally understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing. My mom does
not want us to put a lock on my bedroom door. We
have to. There are things that we need to keep safe when we are not home. Once we are married
we want our time. Right Now when FH and I are in my room talking and or spending time in my bedroom My mom will come in at any moment and start talking. My line 'Mom, can you knock at the door'. We are just planning to stay here for a year. By 33 years, I know we will need a place of our own.

~dancer and chef~

Meg, I totally understand why you're upset/mad - I would be too! You and FH need your privacy, and that means putting up a door. I'm really sorry you're going through this and maybe you and FH are better off holding off living together until you're married, this way you can both save money to get an apartment. Good luck - I hope everything works out!

thanks for all the advice girls!!! i really appricaite it.. i spoke with FH this morning since i was out cold by the time he got home lastnight.. i ended up crying.. and i said this living situation is ok for the time being (up till the wedding) as long as hes not 'living' here we dont have to pay rent. so i siad to fh that as soon as im out of school were moving out and he said' i thought thats what we were doing' and i said well the last time we talked about this you wanted a kitchen and all the works and all this stuff why would i think you wanted to move out before the wedding.. and he said no offense but i dont want to live up here when were MARRIED.. so thank goodness what a weight off my shoulers im so glad he understands and agrees with me! so were going to stay living at our own homes for now til after schools oer which is april of 2008 then we well see if we can BUY something or if were just going to rent for a while.

thanks again for all the advice girls!

I won't move in with your parents. Only because of the whole privacy thing. I mean I know that it would help you save money. I know if it was me, I wont want anyone to be around when we first get married. This might cause problems for you and the fh when you get married. Being newlyweds is suppose to be a fun time. Good luck. Remember that everything happens for a reason!!!!

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Posted by Soon2BMrsD

thanks for all the advice girls!!! i really appricaite it.. i spoke with FH this morning since i was out cold by the time he got home lastnight.. i ended up crying.. and i said this living situation is ok for the time being (up till the wedding) as long as hes not 'living' here we dont have to pay rent. so i siad to fh that as soon as im out of school were moving out and he said' i thought thats what we were doing' and i said well the last time we talked about this you wanted a kitchen and all the works and all this stuff why would i think you wanted to move out before the wedding.. and he said no offense but i dont want to live up here when were MARRIED.. so thank goodness what a weight off my shoulers im so glad he understands and agrees with me! so were going to stay living at our own homes for now til after schools oer which is april of 2008 then we well see if we can BUY something or if were just going to rent for a while.

thanks again for all the advice girls!

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I'm so happy that you two are on the same page! I'm glad you're feeling better!

soon2bemrsd...this is long but i was in a VERY similar situation last year so please read. hope this helps!!

me and FH live in the upstairs of his parents house. there is no separate entrance, there (was) no door separating, and there (was) no kitchen. we didn't have the privacy issue...but i think that you can work on that and i also think that once your fh is living there, your parents may take a few steps back and not be all up in your business as much.

here is what we did:

door - we had the same problem. his mom said we could put a door up, but after we painted, put in new carpet, moved all my stuff in...his dad changes his mind and said no door! he didn't want all the trouble and expense of a door, molding, etc. so we bought an accordian door. it's easy to put up, it's floor-to-ceiling, and it really does give enough privacy, without being a permanent door. that might be something that your parents will agree to. for us, we put it at the top of the steps. i don't know where fh got it, but if you want to know FM me and i'll find out.

kitchen - ok this was a problem, b/c they did not want to put more plumbing up here, or a stove. so we bought a refrigerator (a full size, just a small one), we went to ikea and found a cabinet that hangs on the wall and also a cart-cabinet w/drawers and counter space, i bought some shelves, and there are luckily shelves built into the wall in that space, so we have plenty of room for the few dishes we have and for food and stuff. we bought a hot plate, a george forman grill, microwave and toaster oven, and it's enough for simple meals. we use the water from the sink in the bathroom, which is really not a big deal. we have a bucket for dirty dishes that we keep in the bottom of the cart-cabinet, and when it's full we bring it downstairs and load it into his parents' dishwasher which they don't mind. they cook a lot too and always make enough for us, which i'm assuming might be something your parents might do?!...which is an added bonus, b/c then we save $$ on food too and we don't have to worry about cooking a lot of the time.

trust me, i had my doubts but if it's a way for you two to live together for now and save some money, i highly recommend it. it works great for us, and we have saved a LOT of $ this way! it's waaaaaaaaaay worth some aggrivation once in a while and not having your *own* place right away.

i hope it works out for you!!

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Posted by jeanette0402

soon2bemrsd...this is long but i was in a VERY similar situation last year so please read. hope this helps!!

me and FH live in the upstairs of his parents house. there is no separate entrance, there (was) no door separating, and there (was) no kitchen. we didn't have the privacy issue...but i think that you can work on that and i also think that once your fh is living there, your parents may take a few steps back and not be all up in your business as much.

here is what we did:

door - we had the same problem. his mom said we could put a door up, but after we painted, put in new carpet, moved all my stuff in...his dad changes his mind and said no door! he didn't want all the trouble and expense of a door, molding, etc. so we bought an accordian door. it's easy to put up, it's floor-to-ceiling, and it really does give enough privacy, without being a permanent door. that might be something that your parents will agree to. for us, we put it at the top of the steps. i don't know where fh got it, but if you want to know FM me and i'll find out.

kitchen - ok this was a problem, b/c they did not want to put more plumbing up here, or a stove. so we bought a refrigerator (a full size, just a small one), we went to ikea and found a cabinet that hangs on the wall and also a cart-cabinet w/drawers and counter space, i bought some shelves, and there are luckily shelves built into the wall in that space, so we have plenty of room for the few dishes we have and for food and stuff. we bought a hot plate, a george forman grill, microwave and toaster oven, and it's enough for simple meals. we use the water from the sink in the bathroom, which is really not a big deal. we have a bucket for dirty dishes that we keep in the bottom of the cart-cabinet, and when it's full we bring it downstairs and load it into his parents' dishwasher which they don't mind. they cook a lot too and always make enough for us, which i'm assuming might be something your parents might do?!...which is an added bonus, b/c then we save $$ on food too and we don't have to worry about cooking a lot of the time.

trust me, i had my doubts but if it's a way for you two to live together for now and save some money, i highly recommend it. it works great for us, and we have saved a LOT of $ this way! it's waaaaaaaaaay worth some aggrivation once in a while and not having your *own* place right away.

i hope it works out for you!!

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i cant thank you enough for typing all that out for me.. sounds like the same exact situation that im dealing with right now. its so frustrating b/c the pluming is already there the people before us put it in. the only thing holding us back is theres a wall up so we would have to do some major construction and my parents dont it to be permenant so this is why they dont want us to go through with it. so for now our best bet is to just live apart till after im done with school by then all the wedding stuff will be done and paid for so then we will get a palce thats not here. FH said he really didnt want to live here once we are married. and i totally agree just really didnt think we could afford it and FH said that we could so that seems to be the plan for now!

thanks again!

i am just reading the update now and it looks like you have everything worked out I am so glad!

i will miss being attic twins but in your situation it really sounds like the best idea to try to move - your parents should be working with you not against you!

glad everything is working out!!

personally if i lived in my parents house i would have no privacy...and neither would most people i know. i'm surprised so many people's parents on this board are so understanding/mature....i'm a few years older than you, moved out seven years ago and when i get mail at my parents house, my dad still opens it, calls me, and tells me what it says.

i think there are some people who can handle living in their parents house initially - i think those people are rare. i am a little confused by your situation - you are still in school? is that why you don't have $$? i think you can def live on your own with 2k....i'm not saying it wouldn't be hard but you could definitely do it....plus you aren't going to be in school forever right?

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Posted by Blondie77

personally if i lived in my parents house i would have no privacy...and neither would most people i know. i'm surprised so many people's parents on this board are so understanding/mature....i'm a few years older than you, moved out seven years ago and when i get mail at my parents house, my dad still opens it, calls me, and tells me what it says.

i think there are some people who can handle living in their parents house initially - i think those people are rare. i am a little confused by your situation - you are still in school? is that why you don't have $$? i think you can def live on your own with 2k....i'm not saying it wouldn't be hard but you could definitely do it....plus you aren't going to be in school forever right?

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i am in one of those rare situations and you know what helped me? My mom had HORRIBLE ILs - my grandmother gave my parents NO privacy for 40 years before she passed away - when i move out it will be the first time my parents will ever live together without anyone else there

bc my mom suffered through all that i know she will give us privacy and we are so lucky to have that. Dont get me wrong - it wont be the greatest situation ever - but definitely doable for a few years so we can save up for a house!

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Posted by Blondie77

personally if i lived in my parents house i would have no privacy...and neither would most people i know. i'm surprised so many people's parents on this board are so understanding/mature....i'm a few years older than you, moved out seven years ago and when i get mail at my parents house, my dad still opens it, calls me, and tells me what it says.

i think there are some people who can handle living in their parents house initially - i think those people are rare. i am a little confused by your situation - you are still in school? is that why you don't have $$? i think you can def live on your own with 2k....i'm not saying it wouldn't be hard but you could definitely do it....plus you aren't going to be in school forever right?

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im in school full time for another 12 full months... i only work about 18 hours a week and fh works 40 hours a week but if he doesnt do overtime we wouldnt be able to live on his salary... so were just going to buck it out and live apart till im done with school and can work full time. then we can live together and not struggle.

at first i thought my parents were going to be good about everything and now things are changing i think they just dont want us living here witch i can understand. it was just a temporary thing anyway.

Wow, this is a rough situation. But as a newly married couple, it's definitely going to be an adjustment. Living with your parents one top of that may be too much. You're right, you need privacy and to be treated like an adut. I agree with the other posters, sit down with your parents and explain your concerns. Maybe bring FH with you.

If they don't bend... you might want to consider moving out after the wedding. I feel like marriage is a hard enough adjustment, you don't need to do it with an audience.