stuck between a rock and a hard place..need help! (long)

ok girls so heres the deal... i was planning on staying at my parents new house till a year or so after the wedding .. FH was/is going to move in. so heres my problems

1. theres no private entrence which wouldnt matter if there was a door to the top of the stairs so we have PRIVACY... so my mom and i were talking about gtting a door and my dad said theres no need for a door.. an i looked at him like WHAT theres no way FH is moving in and were NOT GOING TO HAVE A DOOR.. and hes like well your not putting one up its my house and i said no... (mind you this is all after we have talked about this and it was known that we were going to get a nd put up a door.

2. My parents give me/us NO privacy at all. i come home with a bag and my parents want to know whats in it.. if i put it upstaris they will go up there when im not home and rummage. When my mail comes they want to know what it is and who its from and if im not home they will open some of it. ive said nicely that i dont appriciate it and its not fair that i have NO privacy at 21 years old.

3. FH has refused to move into the apt at my parents unless thers a kitchen put in and well for one we CANT afford to put one in right now and 2 my parents have now changed their mind and said we can only put someting in if we plan on staying more then ayear.

4. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.. this whole thing was supposed to help us and give us time to save but its causing me so much stress and upsetment that i dont even want to stay.

i feel like im being totally selfish but if i dont have any privacy now while im here alone.. how am i going to when FH finally moves in. im so upset about it that its making me sick. cuz we really dont have any money.. FH takes everyhting with a grian of salt and thinks we have no problems and all hes concerned about is this HUGE wedding and not even thinking about the fact that we have NO PLACE TO LIVE afterwards can SOMEONE PLEASE HELP????

hey meg...
i understand what you want/ need and i would hope your parents would both understand. Although, now being 21 it is unacceptable for them to not give you privacy (u are still in their eyes their little girl) but once you get married you are not. once you are married they should be able to Understand that you need a (1) door, and (2) your own life.

i think if i was in your position i would have a sit down with your mom and dad (together or seperate) and explain to them what you expect from them once you get married. i think they (your dad) needs to realize that your FH will not be a son, but your husband and you do NEED a door.

(i am in a similar situation so FM if you want to talk more)

but you need to save, and you need to not worry now about not having a place to live...

talk to your parents... talk to your dad...

Debbie

edit... also if FH needs a kitchen... explain that you have to work for a door first before a kitchen, or if he still refuses... ask him for a plan (nicely) to help save money so you can afford a decent place.

hm ...meg that is a hard situation but coming from someone who rents
its sooooo hard paying rent...saving for a house and a wedding..so while you have no privacy its a great way to save money..and if its only for a year it would be nice to do that...

plus you are going to school..it would be so hard to do that and make sure u rmaking enough money to pay rent evey month :(

I hope you can work it out...maybe if your FH talks to you dad and u can put a door up, at least that would be better then nothing..even if u cant put in a kitchen :(

thanks for all the advice girls ... i thought this was going to be a great thing and that my parents were really trying to help.. but if we dont put in a kitchen we still need to use all of my parents things and then well never have a dinner just the 2 of us they can hear everything we do up here i get embarrassed very easily and dont want my parents to know when were doing the grown up...and FH has made very clear he will NOT move in if theres no door and no kitchen... this just plain old *****... so looks like we might not move in together till AFTER the wedding.

ive said it before and i'll say it again, the worst mistake in the world is to move into the same house as your parents after the wedding.
i grew up like that, and it ruined my parents marriage. and my dad works with guys at his job who dont make alot of money and they are living with parents/inlaws and complain how miserable they are.

Sometimes is better to be poor and just pay the rent and have total privacy then to save a bit and be miserable without privacy

I would be just as upset if i were you, no one (even your parents) has the right to invade your privacy. i dont know them but i dont think it would get better after he moved in, it might get worse. you can try to talk to them, but i dont know the situation, and with friends in this situation talking it out with them didnt work.

you dont have too many options here, unless im wrong it seems that you either have to stay at home and have your dream wedding, or move out now and scale down the wedding a bit. if you can move out and save for the wedding that would be your best bet but i think all of us who live at home probably feel the same way.

i am in that situation where i have to make that decision, and i am choosing to move out now and scale down my wedding. i would personally rather sanity now than anger for 20 months just so 6 hours of my life is fancier. but that is your decision, maybe you can stick it out for a while so you can have your dream wedding.

all i know is that you are not alone in this home struggle!! Hang in there.

see heres my situation... im a full time student i work 18 hrs a week im im lucky i bring ome 300 bucks every 2 weeks... fh works for the NYPD and if u saw his check you would die at how little it is...the wedding is all FHs dream.. i wanted a small small wedding so we wouldnt have the problem of money but its something that he wants so i went along with it.

my parents have NEVER EVER EVER been this disrespectful towards my privacy.. so its just really upsetting.

is ther no way to compromise... like can they help u find a place since they will not accodomodate you both there?
have you talked to them about your mail?
i dont understand why parents are so nosey.

i was looking into renting out in deer park/ Babylon/ lindy... AM NY (the free paper) has listings i read daily... some arent 'that' bad.... 1200 i have seen the lowest... i always figured if we have to rent... who needs hot water...

Why did your parents change all of a sudden?

as for the wedding, please dont make the mistake i did. i also wanted an extremely small wedding but FH wants a big celebration. i am now having so many doubts about out 30K planned wedding that whenever i think about it i am upset, because if it werent for what HE wanted, we would be buying condo instead of finding the cheapest rent apartment we can....

voice your concerns, maybe after your FH really realizes what you would gain with a smaller wedding he will like that idea better. i dont know about your FH, but with mine you really have to draw out a picture for him VERY clearly or he dosent really get it. now i think he sees that the money may be better elsewhere, but we are still in compromising mode, lol

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Posted by debbieh

is ther no way to compromise... like can they help u find a place since they will not accodomodate you both there?
have you talked to them about your mail?
i dont understand why parents are so nosey.

i was looking into renting out in deer park/ Babylon/ lindy... AM NY (the free paper) has listings i read daily... some arent 'that' bad.... 1200 i have seen the lowest... i always figured if we have to rent... who needs hot water...

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or food or heat/ac... the 2 of us together make maybe 2000 a month thats not including my bills and his bills.. hes got 75k in school loans.. ihave 30+ and a car loan and insurence... i need a HELP!!! what makes me mad is that FH family has an apt in the basement and wont even offer it to us. it not like were not willing to pay rent we can afford to do like 550-600 but we just cant afford anything more. its driving me nuts and my parent werent giving us the apt rent free it was going to be about 450.. so i think if were paying we deserve a DOOR!!

i talked to them about the maila nd my dad always seems tosay he thoughtit was my moms im megan and shes marianne so he said he just gets confused

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Posted by SeaMaiden

Why did your parents change all of a sudden?

as for the wedding, please dont make the mistake i did. i also wanted an extremely small wedding but FH wants a big celebration. i am now having so many doubts about out 30K planned wedding that whenever i think about it i am upset, because if it werent for what HE wanted, we would be buying condo instead of finding the cheapest rent apartment we can....

voice your concerns, maybe after your FH really realizes what you would gain with a smaller wedding he will like that idea better. i dont know about your FH, but with mine you really have to draw out a picture for him VERY clearly or he dosent really get it. now i think he sees that the money may be better elsewhere, but we are still in compromising mode, lol

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i could say it till im blue in the face.. its too late we payed alot of the RH already and booked the photo. im already giving up my honeymoon that i want so ive just had it with the whole wedding and am going through with it for him. i understand compromise but it seems to be everything lately

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Posted by Soon2BMrsD

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Posted by debbieh

is ther no way to compromise... like can they help u find a place since they will not accodomodate you both there?
have you talked to them about your mail?
i dont understand why parents are so nosey.

i was looking into renting out in deer park/ Babylon/ lindy... AM NY (the free paper) has listings i read daily... some arent 'that' bad.... 1200 i have seen the lowest... i always figured if we have to rent... who needs hot water...

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or food or heat/ac... the 2 of us together make maybe 2000 a month thats not including my bills and his bills.. hes got 75k in school loans.. ihave 30+ and a car loan and insurence... i need a HELP!!! what makes me mad is that FH family has an apt in the basement and wont even offer it to us. it not like were not willing to pay rent we can afford to do like 550-600 but we just cant afford anything more. its driving me nuts and my parent werent giving us the apt rent free it was going to be about 450.. so i think if were paying we deserve a DOOR!!

i talked to them about the maila nd my dad always seems tosay he thoughtit was my moms im megan and shes marianne so he said he just gets confused

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yeah ive heard the mail 'story' also... we both are D's....

if you were paying then i think you DESERVE a door... can FH talk to his family about their basement?

im trying to see other options here... sorry if im asking alot.

Truthfully, you're parents are being unreasonable.

IMO, go find something to rent, you'll be able to save money but it's going to take you longer than you expected... hang in there girl

i really appriciate it.. i only have a couple of friends that live around here and none of them have any kind of money problems so talking to thema bout this stuff is like talking to bill gates about being poor... so i really appriciate you taking the time to talk to me..

ive asked him to ask his parents and they said they have good tenent and dont want to kick him out and we dont want to live in a basement

FHs cousin has offered us their basement apartment on more then one occasion and i really wnat to say YES at this point but its 1000 a month and its kina pushing it.. but im going to talk to FH and see if we can really pinch pennys and try and take them up on their generous offer

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Posted by AMGBride2008

Truthfully, you're parents are being unreasonable.

IMO, go find something to rent, you'll be able to save money but it's going to take you longer than you expected... hang in there girl

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thanks

i just think they want us to live here just using the rooms ya know not actually making it an APARTMENT if you know what i mean..they have never been this way before and i dont understand what happen

that sounds liek a great idea,.... my other option that other classmates are doing now...

they are taking out Extra for their loans, but putting it into a savings acct, earning interest and using that to pay their rent.. they only take out what they need...

so if you want to do that.... its a long stretch you can figure if you take a decent place to rent... figure out teh rent for a YEAR... pay it off, but save at the SAME time, so the following year you can have money to pay rent out of pocket...

next year consolitdate your loans...

things will work out .. loan wise... its alot but i kno people who are making it work.

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Posted by Fall Bride 2008

I highly suggest that you dont move into your parents house only because the first year of your marriage should be bliss not stressful. Sorry that you have to go through this.

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as hard as it sounds or will be I totally agree.
i know ive mentioned this before but my parents offered to have us live in the apt in our house, we have declined. we know it will not be good for our marriage especially as newlyweds. FH really doesnt want to. as much as we love our parents., we agree we dont need that extra aggrivation.

Now of couse i dont want to sound like in saying this for all people who are planning on living at home, but in your situation, i dont see it being a good idea. in mine either.

Good luck!

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Posted by Soon2BMrsD

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Posted by AMGBride2008

Truthfully, you're parents are being unreasonable.

IMO, go find something to rent, you'll be able to save money but it's going to take you longer than you expected... hang in there girl

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thanks

i just think they want us to live here just using the rooms ya know not actually making it an APARTMENT if you know what i mean..they have never been this way before and i dont understand what happen

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They have to understand that living together is a huge adjustment and even bigger than that (and in addition to), so is being married. Having your parents there every waking hour, being able to walk in and out as they please and snoop thru your private life (that, after your married, is totally separate from there lives) is going to make those life changes that much harder.