So, as I’m about to get married I have witnessed/observed (not really sure of the right word) infidelity all over & I wanted 2 open up a topic, discuss my views & opinions & invite all of you to do the same. It’s been quite an eye opener & I’ve actually gained knowledge & confidence 4 knowing.
Now one of my BM’s got engaged a few weeks ago but I can’t help feeling like she’s cheapened the whole marriage thing. When they started dating she was faithful (as far as I know) for about a year and then became involved w/ 2 of his BEST friends, & I mean BEST friends. At separate times but, on more than one occasion and for a length of time with each. The BF has/had no idea. They have since moved on from her & she’s moved on to others. It’s continued through out her relationship. She doesn’t think I know about the recent (Feb) incidences but I’ve always prided myself on being open minded and non judgmental. I mean who am I to say what you should and shouldn’t do. I’ve always said as long as it doesn’t involve me, my SO or my family. It doesn’t really concern me. I’m not here to cast my views and opinions on others. Besides they were only dating and we’re young.
For the record this girl is a mess. She has HUGE body image issues, struggled/struggles with bulimia. I suppose its part of the reason she craves the attention from every male around her and literately hates other beautiful women. I’ve always supported her & tried to be a good friend. I feel kind of bad for her that she lacks self-assurance & confidence. But now that she’s engaged I’ve gotta say I’m a little ticked! I mean this kind of thing should be reserved for the people who mean it! I haven’t always been an angel to my BF’s. Actually I’ve been somewhat of a devil 2 some but w/ my FI the thought never even crossed my mind. I love him. How could I hurt him like that? So again I say I feel that she has cheapened this marriage thing for me. It’s like she doesn’t even take it seriously. He has no idea, probably never will. I’m not sure what would be worse for this poor guy knowing his FI was unfaithful or knowing his best friends who will be in the wedding party slept with her.
Story #2: Another BM of mine (I know their quite a bunch!) Is involved with a married man. They worked together & were attracted 2 each other. She knew he was married but wasn’t concerned. And again who am I to judge? At that time the relationship wasn’t physical. It didn’t take long for them to get emotionally serious. He lives 2 hours away so he would come to see her on the island sometimes. She was in the middle of something quite complicated and he was supportive. He was there for her & gave her what she needed during a very hard time in her life. He is actually still supportive after her “situation” has got a bit uncomplicated “not much” but again. He’s cheapened this! Regardless of his situation (I can’t verify it. I only know what he tells her so who knows what’s really going on at home, ya know) he’s still married. He says he doesn’t want to divorce his wife because she'll take the kid and he’ll never see it. I think it’s an excuse. They (BM & Him) joke about getting married in 9 years when the kids old enough to choose who it lives with. This relationship has now gotten physical. Once again cheep, cheep cheep!!! Last night I went out w/ her the married guy and a friend of his. Even this friend of his was talking about how he slept with this girl from work and that girl from work. He goes to S&M clubs and sleeps with women he meets on the internet. I asked my friend if he was married and he IS! He’s got a kid and everything. With all due respect maybe she condones this, I didn’t ask. But even if she did why even get married.
Story #3 – A couple I knew years ago just got married and I feel bad for her I think. Her now husband has cheated on her and I know that for a fact! It was while she was in college and maybe they had an open relationship. I do know of an incident of him cheating with a stripper 1-2 years ago. Now she may very well know but I highly doubt that. How can this guy stand up there and say those vows knowing he’s been unfaithful. My real point is not that he did it but that he never grew a pair of balls large enough to come clean and let her make the decision regarding there relationship. If she chooses to stay or leave it’s her life. I would support someone either way. I just hate that she has no idea. CHEEP!
I’m sorry for rambling, just painting a picture. These examples haven’t affected my relationship. If anything it makes it stronger. I love him more and more every time I see or hear about people like this. I just gave people way too much credit for too long!
BMD'sPeanut
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
I don't even know what to say.
These things happen--unfortunately you happen to know several people this has happened to. It's good that you're trying not to let it jade you.
I guess the best thing to hope for is that we are on the same page as our SO's (whatever page that may be) and that all concerned remain faithful to that page...And that we're given the strength to deal in the event of a page-turn....
Yikes. I hope everything works out for everyone you mentioned. Hate to think of anyone suffering.
hbradio
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
I have been thinking a lot about this too lately. I recently found out about a friend that is married - who I thought was the most 'wholesome family man-type' person in the world has been fooling around with/trying to get with several different women.
Its very disheartening, dissapointing, sad, etc. But I say as long as you and YOUR SO arent involved in that then let others do what they are going to do.
Like you said it only makes YOUR relationship stronger.
ambersmom
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
I know of a few affairs going on at work (one of the parties involved) used to be what I thought was a very good friend of mine. I attended her wedding, etc. Some days it's very hard to look her in the face because I know what is going on...her 'extra cirricular' is also a family man, with several kids. I have no respect whatsoever for either party.
The other office affair is with a guy who I used to think was pretty upstanding and a girl who only got married like two months ago.
I know you're not supposed to judge others but it seems like no one values their vows and committments, not only to each other, but their children as well. The whole situation makes me very ill....
D- weren't we just talking about this?
JimmysBride
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
This kind of stuff is so disturbing to hear. I remember that when I was engaged I knew a couple of people in similar situations. One was a BM who planned to get engaged to her then BF yet she was cheating on him with different guys all the time. Another was a friend of mine having an affair with a newly married woman. It was so disheartening to me ... and to hear more of it like this now is still so disturbing to me.
lullabella
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by Ladybug63
Once again cheep, cheep cheep!!! Last night I went out w/ her the married guy and a friend of his. Even this friend of his was talking about how he slept with this girl from work and that girl from work. He goes to S&M clubs and sleeps with women he meets on the internet. I asked my friend if he was married and he IS! He’s got a kid and everything. With all due respect maybe she condones this, I didn’t ask. But even if she did why even get married.
Sorry but I would not/could not hang out with someone knowing they were out cheating on their wife. I don't care if it was my best friend's man or not. If your so against it, why would you be around him? I would probably go off on him if I was you.
Wintersbride
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by lullabella
Posted by Ladybug63
Once again cheep, cheep cheep!!! Last night I went out w/ her the married guy and a friend of his. Even this friend of his was talking about how he slept with this girl from work and that girl from work. He goes to S&M clubs and sleeps with women he meets on the internet. I asked my friend if he was married and he IS! He’s got a kid and everything. With all due respect maybe she condones this, I didn’t ask. But even if she did why even get married.
Sorry but I would not/could not hang out with someone knowing they were out cheating on their wife. I don't care if it was my best friend's man or not. If your so against it, why would you be around him? I would probably go off on him if I was you.
I hate to say it (and please no one flame me) but I kind of agree. To me it's just a difference in values that I can not live with. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but being on the other side of the fence before and knowing how that feels it makes me sick to hear about it.I had a friend in college who started sleeping around w/ a guy who was in a commited relationship. I don't understand why people just don't leave the person they are with if they want to be w/ someone else. They aren't doing that person any favors by sticking around. Once I heard what she was doing and how they were trying to justify it I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and just found myself not wanting to be around her anymore. JMO, I know it happens, but it is just very disturbing to me.
The Original 2nd-time-around
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
It's funny, I was JUST having this conversation with my mother and sister last night. I swear I know more people that cheat than those who don't. It seems to be more 'normal' than not lately, and yes, it is very disheartening. I sometimes wonder why people bother getting married, and I think that in the future, less and less people will.
I trust my DH 10000%, BUT I am not naive and know that anything COULD happen.
Hallowedding
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
The sister of a guy I used to date had an affair with her WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER!!! (I have no idea who she used) She got pregnant, terminated the pregnancy and then after a year or so the affair. Her whole family knew about it, but was just like 'That's Cindy for ya.' WHAT?!!!! I couldn't even look at her, I was so disgusted.
I used to work with two women who 'swung' with their husbands and were very open about it. I asked them why they bothered getting married if they were always with other people, and they said something along the lines of 'Who could be with one person for the rest of their life?' Um, A LOT OF PEOPLE!!!
People are ridiculous. Thank god my fiance and I aren't
dpli
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by FutureMrsH
I hate to say it (and please no one flame me) but I kind of agree. To me it's just a difference in values that I can not live with. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but being on the other side of the fence before and knowing how that feels it makes me sick to hear about it.I had a friend in college who started sleeping around w/ a guy who was in a commited relationship. I don't understand why people just don't leave the person they are with if they want to be w/ someone else. They aren't doing that person any favors by sticking around. Once I heard what she was doing and how they were trying to justify it I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and just found myself not wanting to be around her anymore. JMO, I know it happens, but it is just very disturbing to me.
I agree with this 100%. If my friends starting cheating on their husbands, it would cause me to question whether or not I wanted to continue the friendship.
I had a friend who was friendly with a couple. The wife cheated and told her about it. Wife ends the affair and then tells the husband and they go to counseling and work it out. But when the husband finds out my friend knew about it and didn't tell him, he is upset and doesn't want to talk to her anymore, so she loses both of them as friends. Cheating hurts everyone involved and I do not want to be part of all that drama, even remotely.
Wintersbride
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
I just had this thought in my head. With all of the horrible diseases out there, why would anyone want to cheat? No cheap thrill is worth dying for (or killing someone else for) in my book. I just don't understand those who say 'well, I love my wife/husband, but...', if you love someone then you will only want to be with them.
Robeymuse
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
sometimes friends do stupid things but that doesn't mean you should just ditch them. Then you aren't really friends with them in the first place. DH and I are friends with a married couple and at some point within the last 4 years I have known them, they have been married for 18 years, they cheated on each other. I don't condone it, but they are trying to work through it and I am still friends with them.
Imagin916
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around I swear I know more people that cheat than those who don't. It seems to be more 'normal' than not lately, and yes, it is very disheartening. I sometimes wonder why people bother getting married, and I think that in the future, less and less people will. QUOTE]
I know!!!! It seems like everyone is cheating nowadays, it makes it hard to trust anyone. The only thing that makes me not swear off a relationship forever is that I do know couples who I know they would never cheat on each other. I hold out hope that if I know they wouldn't do it, then I can find a man who wont cheat on me.
boobobunny
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by ambersmom
I know of a few affairs going on at work (one of the parties involved) used to be what I thought was a very good friend of mine. I attended her wedding, etc. Some days it's very hard to look her in the face because I know what is going on...her 'extra cirricular' is also a family man, with several kids. I have no respect whatsoever for either party.
The other office affair is with a guy who I used to think was pretty upstanding and a girl who only got married like two months ago.
I know you're not supposed to judge others but it seems like no one values their vows and committments, not only to each other, but their children as well. The whole situation makes me very ill....
D- weren't we just talking about this?
Shar, since you already posted this...I dont have a story to add.
Why get married if you can still consider sleeping with someone else? IMO this means that you are not ready to get married.
dpli
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by Robeymuse
sometimes friends do stupid things but that doesn't mean you should just ditch them. Then you aren't really friends with them in the first place. DH and I are friends with a married couple and at some point within the last 4 years I have known them, they have been married for 18 years, they cheated on each other. I don't condone it, but they are trying to work through it and I am still friends with them.
I agree, people do stupid things, but I was thinking of the original poster's first story, where it seems that the cheating is a pattern of behavior and she doesn't seem to feel remorse for it. That's the type of person I would wonder about as a friend.
Ladybug63
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
So as I respect everyone's opinions or else I never would have posted. The purpose of it was to get everyone thinking and feeling. I love to open discussions on 'real life' topics.
For the record, I never hung out with the married guy and my friend before. I met him once in passing. I don't think I would go out with them and my FI. He would never anyway. I went because I was at my friends house he was there and they were going for a few drinks. I joined. Now I support my friend and I'm there for her. I don't think it's right for me to question her lifestyle or her motives. She would never hurt me and I know that. I don't question my friendship with her because of who she chooses to sleep with. And even more I don't have any right to judge him. For all I know he may be living in hell. The wife may know and turn her head. I can't say and I don't think it is for me say.
The other girl The habitual cheater, we're not close. I realized in the past few years that when she became my friend and was 'there' for me, is when I was at my worst. I was at a very transitional, rocky, destructive place in my life. Now that I've gotten my act together she is rather nasty and jealous, but that's another topic. I consider her my 'pity' BM. If I didn't involve her she would have been so hurt. Now I know better. I should have never asked her. She actually asked me to be her MOH but I declined. That's too much for me knowing her past.
Either way, I just cant grasp how someone can enter into a marriage with someone knowing the have cheated (and the SO doesn't know)? How do they justify it? I'm not judging but I'd love to really know. How someone goes home to there DH or DW and looks then in the eye. Are they just so numb?
I always say, If you need to go somewhere for something you should be getting from your current relationship (emotionally or physically) then you need to re-evaluate the relationship.
An X BF's mother once said to me 'You may love each other very, very much. That's not in question. But he may not be giving you what you need and you may not be giving him what he needs. It just wont work if you cant get everything you need from the relationship.'
Wintersbride
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
I understand what you are saying Ladybug. It just turns my stomach into knots when I hear these things. I trust FH 100%, but I have had other relationships that did not go as smoothly (which is why I did not consider marrying them). I think it's a personal choice on how one handles these situations when it comes to friends or aquaintences. I just don't like the idea that 'these things just happen'. I have heard people try to justify it that way and it indicates that they do not have any choices or control over their behavior, that's all. One never knows the other side, it's just that someone always winds up getting hurt one way or another and that is never good. That's just the way I handle it I guess, but that is me. It makes me wonder if some really listen to the vows.
Sweet_Face
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
If I were to ever find out that any of my friends cheated or are cheating on their significant other, I would be sure to tell them in no uncertain terms that I find it to be wrong and repulsive! And I would encourage them to fess up on their own or I'll do the fessing up for them!!! There is a thin line between being judgmental and simply standing up for what you believe to be right. And I would, in a heart beat, risk being labeled as judgmental if it meant holding fast to my beliefs.
If any of us were to find out that a close friend has committed several murders, would we turn our back and say, 'who am I to be judgmental?'. I personally believe our society has taken this judgemental thing way too far. And it's now being used by folks to justify their loathsome behavior. After all, who are we to condemn the acts of suicide bombers? It's a slippery slope people.
I do not care how horrible one's significant other may be, NOTHING justifies cheating on them. The relationship should be dissolved if one party wants to be with someone else!!!
myasmom
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
Posted by Sweet_Face
If I were to ever find out that any of my friends cheated or are cheating on their significant other, I would be sure to tell them in no uncertain terms that I find it to be wrong and repulsive! And I would encourage them to fess up on their own or I'll do the fessing up for them!!! There is a thin line between being judgmental and simply standing up for what you believe to be right. And I would, in a heart beat, risk being labeled as judgmental if it meant holding fast to my beliefs.
If any of us were to find out that a close friend has committed several murders, would we turn our back and say, 'who am I to be judgmental?'. I personally believe our society has taken this judgemental thing way too far. And it's now being used by folks to justify their loathsome behavior. After all, who are we to condemn the acts of suicide bombers? It's a slippery slope people.
I do not care how horrible one's significant other may be, NOTHING justifies cheating on them. The relationship should be dissolved if one party wants to be with someone else!!!
I agree with almost everything you said except the 'I'll do the fessing up for them.' My husband had a guy friend who was cheating on his baby's mom and so called ' friend' who couldnt keep her mouth shut told his girlfriend...well he came home that night and he shot her (GF) and then himself..this was about 4 years ago in Far Rockaway..so I say if you are disgusted tell your friend how you feel but dont go rocking the boat..you may not be able to live with the consequences.
Ladybug63
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Re: SUPER LONG - RE: CHEATING!!!!!!
OMG!! That's terrible!!
I appreciate everyone's opinion. I agree with a lot of what everyone says.
I can see how some people think I'm just looking the other way but it's not really like that.
I really believe that it's none of my business what other people do in their own lives. What I believe in for myself the next person may not believe in. I guess it's not so much judgmental as it is, none of my business.
I think we can all agree that what comes around goes around and people who do hurtful and mean things with out remorse or guilt get what they deserve in the end regardless.
