My fiance and I went yesterday to get out marriage license for our January Wedding. After a review of our personal feelings, discussion with our parents, and review of some messaging boards we opted to both take the same last name in the format: Hisname-Myname. The reason for this being that I need to keep my name for professional reference, we wanted the same last name, this was what sounded better, we are both the lasts of our name on either side of the family for our entire extended family, and we felt this would respect his family more because they were first and if we were to get lazy in the future we would likely drop my name not his.
Well, not only did the women at town hall try to tell us this was illegal, which it isn't in NYS, but when we got home his Dad lost it on us saying we were utterly slapping him in the face with disrespect. He seems to feel that since my last name is last that that is our real last name, and that when we have kids they will only have my last name. While we talked about the change many times prior he seemed to think we were joking, and while he has expressed his dissatisfaction in the past it was a simple 'I just don't like it but do what you want' without being harsh. Now is is livid...
I am starting to second guess this decision, and am just in general very frustrated by this because he has become very hurtful since this statement. Were we wrong in making this choice? Has anyone else made this decision or had similar issues in name choosing?
kaw2be
Posted:
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
You are NOT WRONG! Please don't second guess yourself, it is becoming more and more common for both husband and wife to combine their names. I think it's a lovely way to honor both of your families. First off, that woman at town hall needs to brush up on her facts. Secondly, his father has no right to decide what your last names will or will not be. Stand strong in your decision and don't feel bad about it.
RoandJoe
Posted:
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
Absolutely not wrong at all. I think it's a great idea. Like the above poster said, it's a great way to keep both families together, and your children will be able to keep the name of both families alive!
fintababyetc
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Re: Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
I have a friend who did it exactly this way, in that order (his-hers). They got married in NY and now live in CA. It is your choice as a couple.
fdnybride163
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
It's your choice as a couple! If your fh is ok w it then it shouldn't matter. I'm not going to lie though you are def going to get some heat for it, I think fh more than you, but as long as you go into it w happy hearts its ok. Just be prepared to defend your decision
scottsbride
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
It is your decision and you can do what you want.
klk072285
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Re: Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
Posted by fdnybride163
It's your choice as a couple! If your fh is ok w it then it shouldn't matter. I'm not going to lie though you are def going to get some heat for it, I think fh more than you, but as long as you go into it w happy hearts its ok. Just be prepared to defend your decision
ITA
prettylillizzy
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
I think what you're doing is great and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. A colleague kept her maiden name but her children have a surname that's the combination of her last name and her husband's last name, so it's totally more common than you think.
I think what you're doing is a wonderful tribute to both families.
Georgious
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
Now it's becoming more of an issue becasue my FIL has now reached out to his entire family, which for the most part is backing his demand that we change our names. Meanwhile, my mom is livid he is taking it this far and is saying that if we back down on our decision she will lose respect for us entirely. So frustrating... I don't think I owe anyone the respect to change it since I am getting none in return but wish there was a way to get family harmony back for the holidays and the wedding in less than a month!
HSsweethearts
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Re: Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
I think your words say it all HIS demands that you change YOUR name.
A name is a VERY personal thing. NO ONE has any right to tell you what to do. I'm appalled that your FFIL called the family to get them in on this. He has a right to express his personal opinion but not to involve the extended family in your personal manner.
i think this is VERY important. you need to deal with this now. if you feel strongly about this last name choice, stand your ground. Otherwise your ILs are just going to rally around and think they can get you to change ANY decision.
My ILs said they would not set foot in a church for our wedding (DH is Jewish, I'm Catholic). People flat out said they wouldn't go and that no one in the family would. Well, guess what> We stood our ground, kept the wedding at my church and EVERYONE came. Once they found out they wouldn 't win, they went along with it.
Don't let anyone's temper tanrum get between you and your FH. I know weddings bring out the best and worst in everyone and they are a family affair, ut believe me, it's got to be about YOU and DH from the moment you get married. YOU'RE the family.
Karin
Posted:
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Surname Crisis- What Are Your Thoughts
I agree. I see lots of future problems ahead if you don't deal with this in a way that you can live with. I hope your FH is taking the lead in addressing this with his family and supporting you. Otherwise, I think this is only the tip of the iceberg.
