With my wedding 3 weeks away and the guest list growing before I can take a breath - I think FH and I will be divorced before we are even married.
My dilema???
I originally wanted a small wedding of maybe 150 people. 150 people was in our budget range and I felt comfortable with that -
so I invited 40 of my close friends and family -and figured since FH has a huge family he can take the rest -
I know most of you have heard me rant about this - but here it goes again - the list that came back for FIL - was over 150 and counting - of FIL friends and family more than half of these people we don't even know - when the invite list count got to 260 - I voiced my concerns numerous times that we can't afford all these people - I was hushed several times with assurances from FH that his family will help and so I hushed... My dad had agreed to help us and gave me 7K - my dad is a bus driver and gave me all he could - and then FH and I put in some more - I again expressed my concerns over the guest list and FIL told me not to worry these invites are going out more 'out of respect' and that most of these people WILL NOT attend this exact quote came from FH's father.
fast forward to last night -
a) I find out FIL got their hands on more invites and are still sending them out!
b) FIL said they can only give us 3k!
c) FH said absolutely nothing about this.
d) did I say the wedding was in three weeks and 100 of those people that are over our budget are friends of FIL that I don't know and FH does not know and that they are still inviting people?
and there are still 40 invites out there past the rsvp date that have not responded all from FIL side and people that I don't know so therefore I can't call them myself.
so last night I freaked out and wanted to call the entire wedding off because I don't understand how FIL can do this to us - leave us out there like this -
I understand that they may not have the money - but then how and why did you invite all of these people 'out of respect' ?? - and why are you still doing it???
how do you expect your son and his new wife to pay for this wedding of mostly your friends?
am I wrong? Once I began to cry last night I couldn't stop. I seriously felt like taking the rsvp cards and burning them - this is my wedding aren't I supposed to be happy?
then FH says his best friend has offered to lend us the extra money - but is that the point?
the point is his parents should understand what they did is wrong and that we are freaking out - we walk into the FIL house smiling like all is well - and we leave smiling then get in the car and argue like there is no tomorrow....
shouldn't we say something? Shouldn't FIL know that they should be concerned and helping us get our hands on more money?
sorry this is so long jeez.
littlebookworm4
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
OMG!!! Honey I an so sorry!! I can't believe the nerve of them!! Assuring you that all is fine and then completely screwing you! As we all know 3K is a piddily drop in the bucket. I wish I even knew what to do especially since the invites went out already. As far as I'm concerned that 'loan' from the friend should be paid off by your FIL though and NOT you and your FI.
tanielle5k
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
Invitations were our hardest part too, I am so sorry you ar ein this situation and that FH is not being more supportive.
BHW
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bluesashbride
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Wow, they are basically asking you to go into debt to host their friends.
This is a gut check moment. I think you have to say something and make it final.
I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you are being put through this. Its outrageously rude.
mable
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
I am sooo sorry to hear it.. I would definately say something.. My mom and my fh and I are paying for this, I gave his family a few to choose but that is it.. most of my wedding party is his family HELLO I do have some family.. I think peopel just do not use there brains,.. And I am sick of hearing abotu the respect.. I have a few for that reason too, my thing is you want these extra people so bad pay for them..
jpavig
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
Sorry you have to deal with this so close to your day.
I had a similar situation. We only wanted to invite 230, but ended up inviting 340 because FIL's had to invite everyone they knew. Thankfully they're chipping in a ton to help us out.
Just try to breath and know everything will work out in the end.
mendara
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
I told Fh that he needs to talk with his parents - and tell them that we are over our budget and out of cash - and that they need to help us.
but if he doesn't do this - I think I will talk to his mother myself.. and hope that my being the one to confront them does not ruin my relationship with FH - because I love him more than anything - but he is just not strong enough to do this - almost like he is afraid of his father - and yes his father is very intimidating - but I can't let my poor dad worry over this - especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding - this is not the real - it can't be real that they don't see this for themselves.
2BeAMrs.
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
OMG!!! I feel terrible for you! Tell them what I told my family and FH's family - this is the number of people I can invite because this is what I can afford. Anything over that - they have to pay for!! Needless to say, they didn't add any more to the list.
Mrs. dleeny
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Posted by mendara
I told Fh that he needs to talk with his parents - and tell them that we are over our budget and out of cash - and that they need to help us.
but if he doesn't do this - I think I will talk to his mother myself.. and hope that my being the one to confront them does not ruin my relationship with FH - because I love him more than anything - but he is just not strong enough to do this - almost like he is afraid of his father - and yes his father is very intimidating - but I can't let my poor dad worry over this - especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding - this is not the real - it can't be real that they don't see this for themselves.
You are doing the right thing Kim! Don’t be afraid of them, THEY are the one’s that need a reality check!
Be strong, do not let them walk all over you! good luck to you!!
brooklynbridezilla
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Posted by mendara
especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding
oh. my. goodness.
good luck, kim!!!!! please let us know what happens.
McSulllivan
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Posted by mendara
especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding - this is not the real - it can't be real that they don't see this for themselves.
OMG! THAT IS OUT OF CONTROL!!! I'm so sorry!
glinda_goodwitch
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
Posted by dleeny
Posted by brooklynbridezilla
I would sit down with IL's and demand to know who they invited. I would tell them that unless they can hand you cash for each and every single one of those people, that a letter is going out saying the following:
Dear so and so:
It is with regret that we must withdraw the invitation to our wedding. FH's parents sent out many invitations without our knowledge and permission. As a result, we are far beyond our budget and the maximum occupancy for our hall. We are deeply embarassed and very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. Thank you for understanding.
Sincerely, You and FH.
I AGREE 100%!!!!!!!!!!! it is dispicable that they got their hands on your wedding invites and sent them out!
I agree with this, and the only thing I would change is signing the letter with your FMIL and FFILs names. It is their fault that you are over your budget, and they should be the ones owning up to their mistakes. The embarrassment should be theirs, not yours.
Blu-ize
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
Is your FFIL under the impression that it costs $10 a head for this wedding?
This has to stop and if your FI won't do it, you need to for your own sanity. You can't start your lives in debt like this and always resenting your FFIL.
Don't put anything in writing-Talk to them. If you get nowhere, you will have to fib a little and tell them that the wedding will be canceled unless they come up with much more money.
This doesn't make sense..have you already spoken to them after they came up with $3K?
Stand up for yourself..this just stinks like a buzzard in a sh!t wagon.
Nautical bride
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Posted by Beth1210
I think you should break it down for them
add up your and your FH's guest list
add up theirs- do the math- show them how much it is costing
they are so rude! I am shocked that a parent would do this to a child
I can't believe the nerve of some people! This sounds like something out of Whose Wedding Is It Anyway.
DO talk to your in-laws, but I suggest you try to get FH to go with you and tell him you will do the talking if he feels weird. This shows a united front.
DO show the math. Try not to sound emotional or defensive when talking to them. Use the math as a way of presenting the issue. Show how much money you are in the red over this. The numbers will speak volumes. Try to present all of this in a problem-solving, pragmatic context and not a complaint session.
Most of all, GOOD LUCK!! We're here for you!
mendara
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
fh - told me he spoke to his father and they will figure it out for me not to worry -
I am hoping he DID actualy talk to his father, but I will trust that he did -
he said he wish he could tell everyone to go to hell and marry me in a small chapel somewhere - i said so do I.
I don't know how they are planning on fixing this - but I will leave it up to them - HOWEVER - I will no longer keep quiet should the subject come up or I feel like spaeking about to them personally.
Ladybug63
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I'm soooo sorry you are dealing with this! I can't believe the nerve of them!!!!
I would definitely stand my ground. You really need to be stern. It's not fair for you or your father to worry about this. And worst of all the stain it's putting on you and your FH.
I would have a sit down with them, go over the budget, the # of people comfortably seated in you hall and hash it out. And soon!!!
You both may have to make compromises but whatever it takes at all costs don't let this fester any longer!
Pmpkn087
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I would be very angry. I think that you should definately tell your FILs that what they are doing is wrong, and you can only pay for the 150 people that you originally planned for. If they can't come up with the money, they will need to explain to their guests that they can't afford to have them there. you don't even know the people for goodness sake. you probably will never ever meet them besides for your wedding.
stephanief
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I agree that you HAVE to say something, put your foot down. I am shocked to read what you are going through. Good luck
pinkstar025
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im glad that your FH did speakup....its the right thing to do! I ope they ame o an understanding and will help out more.
Fh and I are SOLELY paying for our wedding.....and each of our parents invited like 2 couples that they are friends with and we dont really know...but THATS IT! Your FIL have to understand where you are coming from and if THEY claim to not afford it, how can they expect YOU to. I wish you nothign but the best through this and happinss fromhere forward.
And you will NOT regret the wedding and process....the good thought always outlast the bad!
baglunch
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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long
I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I think whoever gave your FIL's all those invites is at fault, if you give people an inch they'll take a mile. I myself am in a very similar situation except on i'm the other side of the fence..
Our estimated count was 150 heads. My SO comes from a small family + friends comes out to 60 and my list far exceeded 200 with friends (this is just the pre-list, no invites have been issued). So in the interest of sanity and our marriage, I cut friends of fam, all but my closest friends that i speak to at least weekly, no business associates, no work friends, no family past 3rd cousin (2nd cousin ok). Another option we had but decided against was 'adults-only', but we swapped in kids for the 3rd cousins+. My grandmother dropped $3k to pay for the 15-20 2nd cousins she wants there. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, unfortunately both our parents are in no position to help us financially due to the job market and cost of living being what they are. Although your FIL only put in $3k, maybe that's all they can spare, you can't blame people for their economic situations (unless they're just cheap bastards). Our end number is 179, which minus the 20 heads my g-ma payed for up front is only 9 above our target number.
Marriage you two, and you should both understand that compromises may need to be made on either side to make things work, and if your FH doesn't understand that then they better learn quick if they want it to last.
Dually unfortunate, my SO just lost their job, if they can't find something within a month i'll be looking for a 2nd or new job with more pay to make up for their loss.. but that's a whole other story.
