Thanks.

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Posted by fashionhag

You guys seem way too involved in this drama. Arent you busy planning a wedding? Honestly I think you need to stop thinking about what other people are doing or did and concentrate on yourselves. It's really none of your business what 2 grown people do, even if they are related to you.

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I am not involved in any drama. It IS my business who comes to my wedding and who does readings at my wedding.

I do not want to confront them or throw anything in their faces. Like I said I don't plan on telling anybody in the family or holding a grudge. I don't think we even want to tell his sister we know.
My FH and I just feel uncomfortable having her do the reading. What she will be reading is meaningful to me and coming from her will be hypocritical.

Should I just get rid the readings all together than? Is this the nicest, least obvious way?

That's a hard situation for you to be in. Sorry!

I don't blame you for not wanting her to do a reading any longer, but it would be hard to come up with an excuse/reason that she would buy into.

I just wanted to wish you luck with this difficult decision.

WOW sounds like a Jerry Springer episode. I would leave it up to my FI to make the decision. I say if he doesnt want to be friends with him anyway he should call him and say look considering what happened between you and my sister I don't think it is a good idea that you come to the wedding. I am sure he will understand.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Good Luck

Julz - I totally understand how you feel and would feel sick about it as well. I would be afraid that at my own wedding, while she was reading, or talking to Chad, or whoever, her cheating is what I'd be thinking aobut!

That being said...unfortunately it IS your FSIL and you will have to spend many more holidays and gatherings with her for the rest of your life. So I'm not sure you want to start off on the wrong foot by telling her not to do a reading unless your FH totally agrees and is on board with that. Also, think of her innocent kids - won't they wonder what's going on?

I do agree, however, that it shouldn't matter whether or not she knows that you and FH know. If I were you I'd rather she DID know that you knew so she could be embarrassed and not repeat that behavior!

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Posted by julz33

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Posted by fashionhag

You guys seem way too involved in this drama. Arent you busy planning a wedding? Honestly I think you need to stop thinking about what other people are doing or did and concentrate on yourselves. It's really none of your business what 2 grown people do, even if they are related to you.

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I am not involved in any drama. It IS my business who comes to my wedding and who does readings at my wedding.

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i know what you mean, but kinda agree with fashionhag... it's unfortunate what happened and that you found out about it, but taking action is passing judgment and really, the only people that look like idiots are the two of them, it has no reflection on you. you asked them not knowing, it's not like their actions impacted you directly. FH may be upset with this now but she IS his sister and passing judgments MAY come back to bite you in the butt later on...

i wouldn't draw too much attention to it. if you want the readings, at this point i would just go through with it. there are so many hypocritical people in this world, all you really can control is your own behavior and actions. if you really don't want her involved then i would skip the readings altogether...

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Posted by kpny622

That being said...unfortunately it IS your FSIL and you will have to spend many more holidays and gatherings with her for the rest of your life. So I'm not sure you want to start off on the wrong foot by telling her not to do a reading unless your FH totally agrees and is on board with that. Also, think of her innocent kids - won't they wonder what's going on?

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I know... that is why I don't want to tell her we know or confront her. My FH feels the same way as I do. We don't want to say 'YOu cant do the reading anymore because we found out what you did 2 summers ago'. I think will just tell her we decided not to do the readings anymore because of time constraints and just have the officiant do them. Because honestly I can't listen to her read it. I might throw up.

It is a really crappy situation that you and your FH are put in but the reality is, you're there now. I am in total agreement with you as far as the whole cheater thing but it is his sister and she's not going away. Just booting her is obviously not an option, as you stated earlier, so you need to decide what is more important to you - having readings as part of your ceremony or not having her involved. There will be questions as to why you're suddenly not having readings 2 months before your wedding but if you're prepared to field those, then drop the readings. Just make sure it's what you both want to do.

As far as his friend goes, there's nothing you can do unfortunately. As far as they have drifted apart now, be assured that after the wedding that will be the end of it. Just say hello and move on with your day.

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Posted by eogara

As far as his friend goes, there's nothing you can do unfortunately. As far as they have drifted apart now, be assured that after the wedding that will be the end of it. Just say hello and move on with your day.

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Yes that is pretty much what we have decided to do about the friend. If it was a few days earlier though I probably wouldnt have mailed his invitation.

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Posted by julz33

As far as his sister goes, what she did was HORRIBLE! I am one of those people who will not stand for cheating at all.., I will not rat her out but I am still disgusted by what she did. .... I don't think I can stomach her reading something about true love and marriage after what she did.

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Julz, just wanted to say I am sorry because this really is a crappy situation. I am glad that you stand firmly behind your values! I understand what the other girls are saying, but I definitely see where you are coming from too. I would feel that the reading would be 'cheapened' because of the reader's own actions. I hope you find a solution that you are OK with in your heart!

i think that if it bothers you and your fh so much then why not talk to her about it in private. i think that there are 3 sides to most stories and i think you should really hear it directly from her. i am not condoning her behavior in any way but maybe you are not having the whole story. i feel that since you already know and it is bothering you i think you should both call her and speak to her and just get the complete story or at least her version. if you after speaking to her you still dont want her involved in your wedding ceremony then the only fair way to exclude her now after you asked her is to not do any readings. i think that if you suddenly just excluded her people will start wondering and it will open up all kinds of drama that you really dont need and im sure dont want on the day that is going to be the happiest day of your life. . i hope it works out

Julz, I totally understand why you're upset. But I have to say that it's easy to say 'I'm never going to cheat ' when things are going well and you're in love and getting married. But it sounds to me like your FSIL was in the middle of some serious marital problems when all this happened--who knows what was going on, maybe she thought her husband was cheating on HER. Either way, she was clearly really messed up at the time. Your story actually made me feel a little sorry for her since she obviously doesn't usually behave like that. It's possible that she was torn apart by the whole thing, especially if she actually did end up pregnant from it. But one stupid, confused one night stand should not ruin your entire opinion of this woman. Everyone makes mistakes.

Seems to me that someone who was that close to leaving her marriage, but who decided to stay and work it out, is actually a good example of 'for better, for worse.'

Chad, however, is just an oppotunistic jerk.

Please don't be offended. I just think you always seem so sweet in your posts that I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to forgive her.

Just wondering does your FSIL know that this guy Chad is going to be at the wedding? Perhaps your FH should speak with his sister and air this whole thing out. If you have already asked her to be a reader it may be difficult to take that back. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

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Posted by julz33

I know... that is why I don't want to tell her we know or confront her. My FH feels the same way as I do. We don't want to say 'YOu cant do the reading anymore because we found out what you did 2 summers ago'. I think will just tell her we decided not to do the readings anymore because of time constraints and just have the officiant do them. Because honestly I can't listen to her read it. I might throw up.

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You feel very strongly about this... don't get involved in what they did in the past, but do take matters of your future. Just eliminate having them do the readings altogether, and have the officiant do them. If they ask why they're not doing them anymore, you can definitely say due to time.

The worst part in all this is whether they do readings or not, when they are read by the officiant, you will still remember what they did, and why they're not reading. Sorry, julz!

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Posted by julz33

Thanks for all your suggestions
I know what I am going to do.

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Good Luck!!!!

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Posted by fashionhag

Just ask yourself if you would like to be judged today on things you've done in the past.

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I would never do anything to hurt the people I love. I have nothing in my past to be ashamed of. That is not really the question here.

I am trying to keep their involvement in the wedding (and my life) to a minimum without causing any problems.
The friend is easy to handle.
My FSIL, since she is family, we will not completely ban her from our lives. We love her kids very much. It is easier they are out of state. We will still visit with her when she is here in NY to visit and still talk to her on the phone and stuff.
I just don't want a person with those morals to do a reading at my wedding ceremony.
I am going to have to get rid of the readings all together.

And by the way, she told FH's brother that her Husband doesn't know. That is the reason she told him... she had to talk to someone.

I also feel bad for what she is going through. But then again I have no tolerance for cheating no matter what excuse.

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Posted by julz33

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Posted by fashionhag

You guys seem way too involved in this drama. Arent you busy planning a wedding? Honestly I think you need to stop thinking about what other people are doing or did and concentrate on yourselves. It's really none of your business what 2 grown people do, even if they are related to you.

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I am not involved in any drama. It IS my business who comes to my wedding and who does readings at my wedding.

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Julz, I didn't mean that. I meant it's...oh nevermind. Anyway I still suggest you do what makes you most comfortable. But I don't think the reading coming from her would be hypocritical. Who said she doesn't love her husband? Agh, it doesn't matter. Please, do what you think is right for yourself.