Brides Helping Brides ™ - Thanks.

julz33 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 12:57 PM

Thanks.

Thanks for all your suggestions
I know what I am going to do.

CubanBride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:03 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

hmmm. This story was very long. LOL!

I really don't know what to tell you. What's between them is between them and I don't think you should punish people for something that happened 2 years ago or so. I mean, these people are no longer involved with each other and have carried on with their lives right? People make mistakes. Is there no forgiveness? Just ask yourself if you would like to be judged today on things you've done in the past. JMO

Anyway, I think you should do what makes you most comfortable. You don't want to feel awkward on your wedding day.

BMD'sPeanut Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:04 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

you can't control what other people do...

the die is cast (invitations sent out, reading invitation extended)

note: i think it's sort of judgemental of you to say that you don't want someone who cheats on her husband to do a reading at your wedding...you don't know what kind of inner things this person struggles with...(obviously a lot!!)

BMD'sPeanut Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:05 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

but on the other hand...i am a firm beliver in doing what is best for you! and this is your wedding day...so...do whatever you think will make you most comfortable...(with the least amount of feather rustling--you don't want any rude outbursts on your actual day-of!)

StepherG Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:11 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Unfortunately this is reality and it did happen. She obviously felt remorse for it....can she be punished forever? She doesn't sound like a bad person, just someone who is a little screwed up. Its obvious that you would never do this, neither would I, BUT this does happen and although you don't like it...what can you really do? To not have these people come or have her read? That may be going a little bit too far...people do make mistakes...

brideinapril Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:12 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Wow, that was a long story, however, this did happen two years ago and obviously she was very unhappy then - like the others said - we don't know what goes on in other peoples lives. I don't think you should hold this against them - your husbands friend was probably very ashamed - hence why he backed off of the friendship.
I don't know - I think I would just let it go - they are the ones who have to live with what they did. And since it was 2 years ago and you FSIL has worked things out with her husband I would let it go.

prncssrachel Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:15 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

I really do not think that you can do anything. She is a grown woman and the decision she made is her's to deal with, and from what you said, she DID deal with it. You don't know, maybe she told her husband about the whole thing, but did not want your FH to be mad at his friend. It's in the past, and I think that you should just move on with your wedding and not worry about it....especially because neither of them seem too worried about it. I am sorry that you had to find that out, though

Bebalina Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:15 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Posted by BMD'sPeanut

but on the other hand...i am a firm beliver in doing what is best for you! and this is your wedding day...so...do whatever you think will make you most comfortable...(with the least amount of feather rustling--you don't want any rude outbursts on your actual day-of!)

I agree....its ur day, and if ur not comfortable with it, you should say something.... I know its tuff, but why ruin ur day for something like that....do what what makes u happy....

nferrandi Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:19 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

WOW! That's pretty shi!!y situation you and FH are in. I think I would probably feel the same way as you, but I don't think there's anything I would do, at least as far as the wedding goes. As far as Chad being a guest, it's not like you or FH are really going to spend any time with him, so I wouldn't be too concerned about that. After the wedding, if FH wants to confront him he should. He should let him know how angry he is that he would go behind his back and do something like that. He shold pretty much say the same thing to his sister. But it's really his decision. You really don't have as much of a right to say something to either of them. Not to mention, like someone pointed out, this happened years ago. Sometimes the past is better left in the past. I'm sorry you and your FH are going through this!

GoingNutty Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:19 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Wow... thats tough...

He IS her sister, and although I understand you don't like what she did it would still be nice to include her in your wedding... but at the same time, she has been lieing to you. I dunno! This is hard!

As for the guy, maybe you will be lucky and he won't come...

Good luck!!!

julz33 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:20 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

We are not trying to PUNISH anyone. My FH feels very betrayed by his friend and like I said they have drifted apart. My FH would rather not even be friends with him anymore. It is just too bad we already sent out the invitations.
As far as his sister goes, what she did was HORRIBLE! I am one of those people who will not stand for cheating at all.., I will not rat her out but I am still disgusted by what she did. Not only did she cheat on her husband that week but she dumped her kids off on everybody and was MIA all week. The kids actually were very upset about this and so were FH's parents. My FH also feels like he was used (to hang out with) just to get closer to his friend.
Something else that Irks me about this situation is that a few months later she had a miscarrage. Whos baby was that? I guess no one will ever know. This really bothers me A LOT.
In the end, it is my FH's sister though.
I was thinking about just getting rid of the readings all togehter so then no one will know anything, no outbursts. I don't think I can stomach her reading something about true love and marriage after what she did.

CubanBride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:25 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

You guys seem way too involved in this drama. Arent you busy planning a wedding? Honestly I think you need to stop thinking about what other people are doing or did and concentrate on yourselves. It's really none of your business what 2 grown people do, even if they are related to you.

prncssrachel Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:25 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Posted by julz33

In the end, it is my FH's sister though.
I was thinking about just getting rid of the readings all togehter so then no one will know anything, no outbursts. I don't think I can stomach her reading something about true love and marriage after what she did.

I understand completely. I think this is the best option if you really want to not have her read. All or nothing. Good luck!

2UNTAMED Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:25 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

If you both had found out about it two years ago, what would have happened? Your FH would have distance or cut off his relationship with his friend? And how would it affected his relationship with his sister? I am sure you and your FH would have have been very hurt, angry etc... But I am sure in time, those feelings would have passed, and probably you would have still invited his friend and asked his sister to read. I feel if anyone should be hurt, and be the person to forgive them, it would have to be her husband. He has obviously already done that, otherwise, I am sure he or she would have asked both of you not to invite him to the wedding. Has he responded yet? The other point, they were both adults, no matter how much younger he was at the time. It was their decision to make. I don't see the need to bring up all these things now. Perhaps if you do, it will only bring up bad feelings between your FH sister and her husband. If they worked things out, let it go. Make your wedding a happy occasion instead punishing them. Besides, I wouldn't want that to be the focus of my wedding. They were adults who made a mistake. JMO.

Corduroy94 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:26 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Sorry - forgot the quote & it posted twice!

Corduroy94 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:27 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Posted by Bebalina

Posted by BMD'sPeanut

but on the other hand...i am a firm beliver in doing what is best for you! and this is your wedding day...so...do whatever you think will make you most comfortable...(with the least amount of feather rustling--you don't want any rude outbursts on your actual day-of!)

I agree....its ur day, and if ur not comfortable with it, you should say something.... I know its tuff, but why ruin ur day for something like that....do what what makes u happy....

I wish I could say you should put the past behind you but it's your wedding day so I have to agree. You shouldnt have to deal with anything or anyone that will make this day uncomfortable for you. Maybe it would help if you 'talk' to her about this - not 'confront' her about it. There might be something you don't know but it may confirm everything you already know. I'm sure you two will make the right decision for your day.

ETA - It sounds a little like you've made up your mind but are worried of the effect it will have - listen to your heart & do whats right for both of you & the relationship you want to have with her for the future.

CubanBride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:28 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

Posted by 2UNTAMED
I don't see the need to bring up all these things now. Perhaps if you do, it will only bring up bad feelings between your FH sister and her husband. If they worked things out, let it go. They are adults who made a mistake.

I agree. Bringing it up now will only make things WORSE. Remember, he is her sister and you will NEVER be rid of her. She will be at your house, around your future children, etc. You really really really have to let it go. The future relationship with your husband depends on it.

newbie Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:30 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

That's very sad but, as difficult as it is, the past is the past. It seems as though both parties realize they made a mistake. IMO, I think she should stay on as a reader at your wedding. Truth is, no one knows what skeletons are in anyone else's closet.

tourist Posted: Jul 14, 2004 01:34 PM

Re: SERIOUS -I need advice about FSIL and Friend - VERY LONG!!!!!

uggh! that's rough. I don't know what to tell you.

It is probably best to let people live their lives. You can still love someone even though you don't approve of everything they do all the time, and she is still your fiances sisiter, so its probably better to keep in her the wedding. You just have to believe she realized her mistake & has turned things around.

However, I would be pissed & I don't see anything wrong with telling them you know--mostly I'd want to know what the friend was thinking, but it was 2 years ago, so maybe it's best to let things go.