Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Ok..Fh and I have been dating for 5.5 years. For the past 2 or 3 years we decided we didn't want to be apart on thanksgivng (this is basicaly the only holiday our families have in common b/c he's jewish and I'm catholic). So he's always come ot my house b/c 1) I do most of the cooking for my family
2) my family loves him and accepts him, his family really doens't like me, didn't even want to invite me until recently, etc etc. plus I'm a vegetarian and when i'm home I cook all kinds of good stuff, but at FH's family's thankgiving even the mashed potatos have meat in them! So anyway, we've been having dinner at my house, then dessert with his family. Thanksgiving was alwaysa struggle b/c it's the only holiday other than passover that is family gts together usually, but..anyway..

so in the past year and a half, FH lost both of this grandparents, and they were usually the ones to host the dinner in brooklyn (when it wasn't with his aunt in jersey)..and it included FH's family and his aunt and cousins.

This year, with grandma gone, there's no 'family thanksgiving dinner'...

FH's aunt isn't planning anything special, and FH's aprents do NOTHING to bring the family together...my FSIL is spending the holiday upstate where she lives with a friend, and she invited FMIL and FFIL but they said no...

ok..this is the WEIRD part..

they said something to her like that they were spending thanksgiving with us...they described the dinner I'm making....tofurkey, etc..which was TOTALLY fabricated b/c I don't make tofurkey or anything they were talking about and in fact my family DOES have a turkey, so that would eliminate their talk about turket pot pies..like..I would think it's a misunderstanding, but it's this whole fabircated story and I don't know where they got it from.

Then Fh asked them offhand..'So whata re you doing for thanksgiving' and they said something like 'oh well aunt C isn't doing antyhing and erica's with janice, so, we won't go there, we'll just have our turkey pot pies and they'll have their tofurkey' and we have NO idea who this THeY is, and we know it's not us because !) we didn't invite them and 2) we've never ever had tofurkey...

I don't know if they're mixing it up b/c a LONG time ago, before FH even had an apartment, he mentioned MAYBE we'd host thanksgiving..but we're not..and they know that...

so I don't know what to do?

i feel really bad that they're alone, but we really can't invite them..my parents are too overwhelmed with other family things...I don't think they could handle it, plus when FIL's come over, often there's drama going on...

On the other hand I don't feel SO bad for them. I think it's pathetic that they can't get their family together, or at least TRY, and that my parents ahve the over for holidays and they have never invited my parents over...so how can they expect this? And I hate that his mom is putting the responsibility on ME to get HER family together..it's HER responsibility. If she wants her family together she should make it a point to do so... but blah


I don't know what to do! My mom is even MORE agaisnt inviting them now b/c she thinks his mom is saying all this to TRY to get invited..somehow..(I wouldnlt be surprised)...so it's just realy weird...and if we invited them then we'd ahve to make this big dinner and have a turkey and all this stuff we don't have the money or really the emotional whatever right now to do...

I don't know what to make of this situation! What do you think?

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Hmmm...that's a weird one. Maybe you can invite them over for dessert - this way you'll make it clear that they're not invited for dinner, while still including them for part of the day? It will eliminate some of the financial strain and you can suggest something she could bring with her????

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

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Posted by usuk2004

Hmmm...that's a weird one. Maybe you can invite them over for dessert - this way you'll make it clear that they're not invited for dinner, while still including them for part of the day? It will eliminate some of the financial strain and you can suggest something she could bring with her????

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HAHAHAHAH omg..you don't know my FIL's! they'd show up 2 hours early with NOTHING!

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

If you don't want them over for Thanksgiving, than you shouldn't feel obligated. But I do think that you should have lunch/dinner (however your family does it) and then bring dessert over to your FILs and spend some time with them. Yes, she should make the effort to get her family together, but since she's not, you can be the bigger person and suggest that you get together in the evening.

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

That's a good idea

maybe we'll call them and say 'How about we come over aroun 8 for coffee? Mary will bring her famous pumpkin pie!'

And that way we're spending timw with them, but it's also clear that they're not invited to my house

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

I have no advice, just

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

thanks!

I should rename this post 'And you thought YOUR in laws were nuts'

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

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Posted by marymoon

thanks!

I should rename this post 'And you thought YOUR in laws were nuts'

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I was thinking that as I read your first post

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

thanks! It really gets me! At first I was really upset, when FSIl told me they said they were spending time with us' but the more I heard the word 'tofurkey' the more I knew it wasn't a misunderstanding but either some insane fabircation or a manipulative thing...

or maybe she lied and told FSIL she was spending it with us so she wouldnlt feel bad? I dunno..that doens't really seem right either

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

I'm confused -- if you do the cooking, why will the presence of extra people overwhelm your parents?

Nuts or not, I would always welcome my in-laws to a holiday if they were going to be alone. They are your family now (or at least soon will be!) Merging the holidays will save you from the stress of who to go to in future years.

The decision to make a more elaborate dinner and have a turkey is yours -- they haven't forced that upon you. If in the end you feel it is necessary for their attendence, and money is tight, you can and should ask them to help cover the costs. Personally though, I'd avoid that if possible (perhaps by cutting back on holiday gifts) --- it doesn't seem family-like to make someone cover their costs to attend.

I do have to add -- I find it kind of sad that they would have to hint to be invited, and that you wouldn't have already considered the invitation a given. You complain that they haven't welcomed you, yet you are passing up a great opportunity to set a pattern of warmer relations. Why should they have to try? In my opinion inviting them should be a given -- unless they were truly abusive and your FH's relationship with them was nonexistent.

Clearly, your family has been nicer to them then they have been in return -- you know what my feeling is on that? So what. They are still family.

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Okay, what you're saying amkes sense, but..more people IS overwhelming to my aprents b/c my FIL's are seriousl stressful people. They're loud obnoxious, and yes, they cna be abusive. The cooking is a problem b/c we only have 2 people who eat turkey, so we were just gonna make a pack of turkey legs and call it a day, rather than making a huge turkey. it's easier when it's 'just family' than when you're inviting guests.

I seriously didn't even think of inviting FIL's because I assumed they'd want to to with their daughter and gradnchildren, which is usually what they choose to do. There was no way i could invite FSIL and her tribe over (too many people, plus they'd never come because we don't actually get along, and there's a relationship that really is nonexistent)..and we figured as usual, they'd do their thing, we'd do ours. I asked FH a long time ago what his parents were doing and he said they would probably be with his aunt or his sister and her kids. It never even occured to us to invite them to my house b/c we figured they have other people they'd rather be with (FH doesn't have a good relationship with his parents)...we just figured it would be status quo.

Also, when they come over the cuase drama..they bring their family problems over to us. I remeber one of the last tmes they were here, they were here for a screaming match until 4pm yelling back and forth with FH about his relationship with his sister and me trying to say stuff and them basically telling me 'shut up, it's not about you', even though it is ina lot of ways..and it wa a really insane thing to have happen. So it IS stressful. My grandmother just had breast cancer surgery and she's now in an assisted living in PA, and not handling it well, we have a lot of stress...That's why it's not like 'of COURSE we'll invite them..' b/c they're really difficult people...and they can be really mean, abrasive and even abusive when they feel like it

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Are they definitely expecting to be invited or are you just assuming? It's not clear. Maybe you can have your FH ask them straight up what they are planning on doing. If they say that they are staying home or hint to be invited, have him explain that his FIL's are having it at their house, and since he can't invite people to someone elses house, that you will stop by later for dessert and to say 'hi'. Does that work?

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Im sorry you have to go through that with your future in laws! just let them know that you are going to your parents house and that after dinner you want to come over and spend time with them. they shouldn't put that on youand your fh. gl i hope things work out.

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Well they told FSIL they'd be with us....so...

I dunno..we have to take care of this before any more time passes..but it's hard to get FH to call his parents

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

Bringing dessert to them in the evening seems the best way to go....good luck

Re: Thanksgiving conundrum..(long) please give me your opinion..its so confusing

gl.