The First Year is the Hardest....(semi long)

So I have heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest and I think I have witnessed that already with some friends of mine. I have 2 friends that have been together for years and do love each other they were married last fall and the wedding was beautiful. I know they did pre-cana, had lots of classes and discussions to 'prepare' them for marriage. I dont however think they really knew what they were getting into.

They seem to argue ALOT, there is plenty of blame for who causing the arguments and not much resolution. I think they both try to compromise in situations, but when it comes down to it,,,, they do not know how to communicate. It is sad to see because tonight, as they loudly argued and pointed fingers in a bar, the bouncers were paying attention, other people were paying attention, and our friends felt very awkward about the situation and have seen this one to many times. The 'd' word was brought up, in not so many words... (I dont think they are at that point yet however)

I did my best to diffuse the argument by seperating them and calming them down, then telling them to relax and talk. I love my friends and feel horrible that they are having such a rough patch.
But in the end I learned a lesson: Communication is key. Then comes understanding and being able to truly be one.


Please don't feel sorry for them,, I believe they can work through this. But keep your future marriage on track and know what you can and cant tolerate with your FH and be able to communicate any problems.

Goodnight

I agree, alot of couples don't know how to communicate at all. Its either they're loving or just all out yelling matches and thats how they discuss things or get their points across. I went through all of that for years and promised myself i would never go through that again. Unfortunately alot of people don't learn from their experiences, even the bad ones from our past, instead of looking back reflecting at things we did wrong or things we shouldn't have dealt with and how to handle things differently in the future people just become used to being like that and carry it on.

With Fh i was completely different than I had ever been. I think my ex would be shocked and all his friends lol if they knew how i handled things now. Before any little thing I would flip out about and I mean flip out, he was the same so it would turn into an all out war and we didn't care who was around. Now i look back and I am embarassed by that behavior, so much so that now if something upsets me if we are out or around others i just calm myself down and say 'we'll discuss this later when we're alone' Ive learned to let alot of the small stuff go and even big things i handle differently now. Instead of just wanting to go off and flipping out, i wait a few mins to calm down before I react and think about what it would lead to, whether its even worth it and what can I do or say to try and resolve things instead of making them worse, or finding better ways to express how I am feeling. Fh is also a different type of person, so much better so he does deserve better treatment lol but honestly if i didn't go through a crazy relationship and went through bad things in the past then I probably wouldn't handle things the way I do now. Because I saw the results in the past and saw what happens when you act a certain way or just are in general i make sure to do the opposite now.

Everyone always wants to blame the other person all the time and its not worth it, arguing about who is wrong or right and proving your point won't get you anywhere. Finding solutions to your problems and how to fix it together and just moving on is whats going to help. You're in it together not enemies

Laura- Yes, they have lived togeter for well over a year before the wedding. and have been together almost 6 years total.


I think you are right Denise.. when you look back it is sometimes sad to see how you handled a situation. I think that if you take time and really listen to what the other person is saying then yes you can communicate and understand,, not just assume you know what they mean, or blame them for the problems.

good advice!! Me and FH have lived together for 3 years or so now.. and we have had some pretty big blow outs.. because of his past relationships he doesnt communicate well.. he's been cheated on twice. once by someone he was engaged too.. he also grew up dealing with a lot.. so he shuts down fairly easily and he has a hard time dealing with problems.. he'd rather pretend they aren't there.. but knowing this i've tried to help him open and change the way i deal with arguments to make it easier for him(and me quite honestly). It's not always easy.. but communicating is really key. I regret the way i handled lots of arguments, i have def. gone off the deep end at times, i would just get to a point where im like U ARENT GETTING it .. and then i'm at a loss.. and fh being how he is will come right back, but usually he wants to go in another room and ignore it all.. and i like to settle things and talk them out! it can be extremely frustrating. but now i take a little of that each time and try to learn from it!! You're never gonna agree all the time.. and honestly why would you want that..?? I guess it's just easier to blame than accept the fact that you may be part of the problem too!! Once you really sit back and look at it from an outside point of view your like wow?

it is hard that first year regardless of whether u've lived together or not.. it's a huge period of adjustment.. and fh and i WILL be praying our way through it..

the biggest problem with arguing like that in public is that where as it's hard to get over things said in the heat of the moment it's even harder when it's said in public.. because then it's not just a matter of disrespect, it's disrespect and embrassment.. ego and pride can then get in the way of resolution.

fh wants to talk about EVERYTHANG right then and there..... but knowing me he knows i need a moment to breathe before we talk. so he gives me that minute.. or hour.. or afternoon..

It's always sad to hear when a couple is hitting some rocky patches. But hopefully they'll be able to learn how to communicate, which we all know is key, and start that happy life that they planned.

I think all couples go through it in some way or another. Pre cana doesn't always help. Couples therapy, may be a condsideration for them. FH and I go to couples therapy to deal with some issues from our pasts and present and to help us with communication. We're not fighters, or yellers, but our communication wasn't great. But the therapy definitely helps. We're doing it to try an prevent that 1st yr blow out and to be more together as a couple.

You sound like you're such a great friend to both of them, they are lucky to have you.

Best of luck to your friends

Thank you ladies. I am glad that FH and I have almost a 2 year engagement. We are also living together during this time so that we can get to know eachother even more. I think that it is very important.

Thank you for the well wishes ladies! Glad that I could give some 'advice' about a real life situation.

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Posted by JTsGal829

good advice!! Me and FH have lived together for 3 years or so now.. and we have had some pretty big blow outs.. because of his past relationships he doesnt communicate well.. he's been cheated on twice. once by someone he was engaged too.. he also grew up dealing with a lot.. so he shuts down fairly easily and he has a hard time dealing with problems.. he'd rather pretend they aren't there.. but knowing this i've tried to help him open and change the way i deal with arguments to make it easier for him(and me quite honestly). It's not always easy.. but communicating is really key. I regret the way i handled lots of arguments, i have def. gone off the deep end at times, i would just get to a point where im like U ARENT GETTING it .. and then i'm at a loss.. and fh being how he is will come right back, but usually he wants to go in another room and ignore it all.. and i like to settle things and talk them out! it can be extremely frustrating. but now i take a little of that each time and try to learn from it!! You're never gonna agree all the time.. and honestly why would you want that..?? I guess it's just easier to blame than accept the fact that you may be part of the problem too!! Once you really sit back and look at it from an outside point of view your like wow?

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it's so true, everyone always wants to be right and have no faults that sometime we don't step back and look at how we are to blame. That was a HUGE problem of mine, I always wanted to be the one who was right and did no wrong in the relationship and I made sure to prove it but where did it get me. Yeah you can be right and also be right but miserable and causing problems with your SO, is it so important then. FH gets mad because when he apologizes for things, many times I'll apologize too for ways i thought maybe I contributed to the problem or didn't really help with it at all, he doesn't understand this. I tell him I'd rather be wrong about something, realize it move on, work it out and be happy rather than be right and miserable and causing problems with the person I love. I don't care who is right or wrong anymore, when you make sure to carry on that you are right and prove it and not let them forget it all you're doing is distancing yourself from eachother which i learned the hard way.

I just wanted to say that you girls really give good advice on all things other than wedding planning.

Someone once told me that without the bad times in your life you wouldnt know the good times. I hope your friends work through this bump in the road.
Life and marriage is an ever growing and changing dynamic that both partners may grow and change at different times and it takes work, patience and understanding to keep it going. We all are going on a path never traveled and it helps to know this info before we get knee deep into it..
My brother just casually mentioned last night that the old 7yr itch is the new 3yr itch.. How sad.....

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Posted by Kimbalina

I think you are right, if you just want to be right all the time, other things just go wrong in the marriage. I am not a person to bottle up how I feel, FH tends to do that some times,,, so he is working on it. Which is fine with me, as long as he works on it!

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Them trying is the first step and what is very important. The effort is what counts and within time they will be able to finally do it.

i agree that it is hard; i just dont know if its as hard if youve lived together

to be honest; i dont think our relationship will be any different than it is now except i'll have his last name

im not saying that living together makes everything better, but it does paint a clear picture of what life will be like

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Posted by Snowflake08

i agree that it is hard; i just dont know if its as hard if youve lived together

to be honest; i dont think our relationship will be any different than it is now except i'll have his last name

im not saying that living together makes everything better, but it does paint a clear picture of what life will be like

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I tend to agree, we're going on 3 years living together, we already share money, bills, chores, responsiblities, pets, family, etc. And that was ALOT of adjustment in the beginning. So much changes when you're sharing a bathroom and household chores with someone day in and day out, and picking up after them.... every. singe. day. ;) Now it's just the way it is.....but I agree, when we get back from our HM I'll have his last name but I don't see much else being different. For all intents and purposes, expect for the legal acknowledgement, we've lived like a married couple for 3 years now and I'm kind of glad we got all the 'living together' adjustment out of the way.

i totally hear that...and it is the truth..

communication has made fh and i stronger.

i hope it works out for the best, with your friends.

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Posted by missliss

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Posted by Snowflake08

i agree that it is hard; i just dont know if its as hard if youve lived together

to be honest; i dont think our relationship will be any different than it is now except i'll have his last name

im not saying that living together makes everything better, but it does paint a clear picture of what life will be like

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I tend to agree, we're going on 3 years living together, we already share money, bills, chores, responsiblities, pets, family, etc. And that was ALOT of adjustment in the beginning. So much changes when you're sharing a bathroom and household chores with someone day in and day out, and picking up after them.... every. singe. day. ;) Now it's just the way it is.....but I agree, when we get back from our HM I'll have his last name but I don't see much else being different. For all intents and purposes, expect for the legal acknowledgement, we've lived like a married couple for 3 years now and I'm kind of glad we got all the 'living together' adjustment out of the way.

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i agree with you girls. FH and I have been living together for over 2 years - and i don't really see what would change after marriage that would make us fight?? i dont really understand how people who have already been living together could have a hard time adjusting to being married?? i could def see that happening to a couple that hasn't lived together yet - i know alot of girls that think that because they see their FH alot, or sleep at his house on weekends or they've been together for years means that they will be fine living together but i think no matter how well you think you know someone things are definitley definitley different when you are actually living with that person. to be honest i dont think FH would have even thought of proposing to me if we werent living together first.