The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

BY: DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER

I finished reading the book, and, here are my thoughts, as promised:

I'll break it down by chapter:

Chapter 1: The Improper Care and Feeding of Husbands. The title tells all. It talks about how women tend to neglect the feelings of their husbands and put themselves first, without even realizing it. I'm going to take a quote from the book here, which sums it up.

'Kaye, a listener, sent me this e-mail to express her awakening to the notion of gratitude:

I must say that an important point came for me when I was listening to you on the radio, Dr. Laura. You were listening to some woman grouse about picky little things, and you asked her, 'Does your husband provide well for your family? Are your kids all healthy? Do you get to stay at home with them?' and so forth. She answered yes to all of those questions. Then you said, 'So stop whining! You have forgotten to be greatful!'

It was as though God took me by the shoulders and said, 'Hello! This is you idiot!' Right at that moment, in the car, I began to thank God for my husband and for every excellent quality he has. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to do the following things:

Thank God daily for such a terrific guy, mentioning specific qualities for which I'm grateful.

Look for daily ways to be a blessing to my husband (trying to understand what pleases him, anticipating his needs, etc.)

Chart my menstrual cycle and remind myself on PMS days that what I'm feeling isn't true and to keep my mouth shut and let it pass.

Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.

Take responsibiliy for my own emotional well-being: Stay rested, don't over committ and then complain, stay in touch with friends with a positive influence.

Stay focused on making a home for my family and remember that it is my highest calling and responsibility, and that it has eternal value. The more I do this, the happier and more content I am.'

That's the first chapter, in a nutshell. It is so important for us to realize that we each chose our FH for a reason, and that we need to keep him for that same reason. It is SO HARD to find a good man, and SO EASY to keep one.

It is also so easy to get caught up in the everyday struggle of life, and neglect those closest to us (our husbands) because they're there, and they'll always be there.

Chapter 2: The White Rabbit Syndrome

The White Rabbit Syndrome refers to the retort of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.... 'I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time.'

It's very important to make time in your day for FH. Even if it's a 5 minute phone call. Let him know how much he means to you EVERY DAY. Don't take what you have for granted. Don't let (your future) kids, job... etc. get in the way of your marriage, if it weren't for your marriage, the rest might not exist.

Chaper 3: 'You're a nag!'

Just as the title says. Don't be a nag. Praise your FH for doing things, even if they are everyday things that they are supposed to do (i.e. take out the trash, put their plate in the dishwasher). It'll make him want to do even more for you. Trust me.

Chapter 4: Men have feelings? Really? You're kidding!

Now, men do not, and never will have the same feelings as us, and have the ability to express them in the same way. It is very VERY important to understand that.

From the book:

A man needs to feel strong and as a protector for women -- basically, to conquer the beast and rescue the fair maiden.

What every man wants is for his woman to make him feel that he is strong and the head of the household. I am not talking caveman style, dragging the woman around by her hair, but just as the leader of the family.

A man wants respect, kindness, and love from his woman.

A man wants to be put on a pedestal, not so that he can look down at everyone, but, to show him that he is the most important thing to his woman.

A man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.

** The man should be the major breadwinner in the family. Every man needs a battle or war to win to prove himself that he is strong and capable of conquering any and all dragons that life throws his way. Taking care of his family by working and providing are his battles.

A man needs enthusiastic approval, appreciation, and respect from his wife for being a competent man, husband and father.

A man needs his wife to show some interest in his interests, especially when it's an activity she may not 'get' or like. Just being there is important.

A man needs his wife to greet him after work with love and enthusiasm.

A man needs to know that his wife is sexually satisfied by him.

A man needs his wife's encouragement in order to be a man.

**I don't necessarily believe this one, it's a little too old school for me, but, I put it out there, it was on the list and I didn't want to leave it out.

It's really important to realize that your FH has feelings too, and, even if he can't express them as well as you do, they're there, and they mean something.

Chapter 5: 'Huh? Honey, what did you say? What did that mean?'

In the interest of not making this the longest post ever, in a few words:

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Men don't get subtle hints. If you want to go to the movies, say:

Honey, let's go to the movies.

NOT:

Honey, what do you want to do tonight? And then get mad when he says he'd like to stay in.


Chapter 6: What's Sex?

Don't ever withhold sex from your husband. Everyone gets tired, and that is no excuse. It's part of a healthy relationship. Don't ever use it as a tool to get what you want, it's just hurtful, and wrong.

A man wrote it:

'My wonderful wife has put it best: 'Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks, on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks.' Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful.'


Chapter 7: A Man Should Be Respected In His Own Home

This sounds so much more barbaric than the meaning behind it.

Basically, respect your husbands choices and work together, not against each other.

Here are two more quotes from the book:

This is about a woman who used to be REALLY critical of her husband, and, then she realized, that he may not do things the same way she does, but, he gets it done, and that is what counts.

'And in the end, it doesn't much matter that they eat PBJ sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a day or that one tooth brushing gets overlooked or whatever little thing that used to set me off?
What matters is that our sons have learned that their daddy is an awesome, competent and loving caretaker. More important, I have learned that I set an example for my sons of how a wife should act. Would I want my sons to marry someone who treats them the way I used to treat my own husband? NO!'

And, the other, really important.

'My mother, I believe, had the best advice; in fact, I tollow it to this day as a married woman. The general idea behind her words was simple: If you want me to love and respect the man you date and eventually marry, don't come to me with complaints about all his faults and weaknesses. You may forgive his words and actions easily; I, however, am your mother, and I don't like to see you hurt. It will take more for me to accept his apologies than it will for you.'

SO TRUE. How often do you complain to your mom about your FH? I know I have. But, it's true. Nobody else is there living your life with you everyday, and, we all get into little arguments. Telling your mother about every little thing is such a bad idea. You may have forgiven and forgotten weeks ago, but, a mother doesn't.

And, finally:

Chapter 8: Guy Time

I'll be quick here.

A guy needs his guy time, be it with his brothers, his parents, his cousins, his friends, whomever. It has NOTHING to do with you, and it does not mean he doesn't love you as much.

We all need and take our girl time, so, we have to reciprocate.

Believe me, when guys get together, it's for nothing else other than to watch a game, or play cards....

It is sometimes hard for us to understand this. 'Why do you need to go out without me? What are you doing that I can't be a part of?'

The answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing. He's being a guy. Let it go.


Okay, that's it. I hope this helps, and, I hope that you girls go out and get the book. It was a great read, and, I highly recommend it. It is NOT for everyone, though, and, you have to read it with an open mind!