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The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Original post by AmandaLynn04

Thread views: 12,103

BY: DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER

I finished reading the book, and, here are my thoughts, as promised:

I'll break it down by chapter:

Chapter 1: The Improper Care and Feeding of Husbands. The title tells all. It talks about how women tend to neglect the feelings of their husbands and put themselves first, without even realizing it. I'm going to take a quote from the book here, which sums it up.

'Kaye, a listener, sent me this e-mail to express her awakening to the notion of gratitude:

I must say that an important point came for me when I was listening to you on the radio, Dr. Laura. You were listening to some woman grouse about picky little things, and you asked her, 'Does your husband provide well for your family? Are your kids all healthy? Do you get to stay at home with them?' and so forth. She answered yes to all of those questions. Then you said, 'So stop whining! You have forgotten to be greatful!'

It was as though God took me by the shoulders and said, 'Hello! This is you idiot!' Right at that moment, in the car, I began to thank God for my husband and for every excellent quality he has. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to do the following things:

Thank God daily for such a terrific guy, mentioning specific qualities for which I'm grateful.

Look for daily ways to be a blessing to my husband (trying to understand what pleases him, anticipating his needs, etc.)

Chart my menstrual cycle and remind myself on PMS days that what I'm feeling isn't true and to keep my mouth shut and let it pass.

Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.

Take responsibiliy for my own emotional well-being: Stay rested, don't over committ and then complain, stay in touch with friends with a positive influence.

Stay focused on making a home for my family and remember that it is my highest calling and responsibility, and that it has eternal value. The more I do this, the happier and more content I am.'

That's the first chapter, in a nutshell. It is so important for us to realize that we each chose our FH for a reason, and that we need to keep him for that same reason. It is SO HARD to find a good man, and SO EASY to keep one.

It is also so easy to get caught up in the everyday struggle of life, and neglect those closest to us (our husbands) because they're there, and they'll always be there.

Chapter 2: The White Rabbit Syndrome

The White Rabbit Syndrome refers to the retort of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.... 'I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time.'

It's very important to make time in your day for FH. Even if it's a 5 minute phone call. Let him know how much he means to you EVERY DAY. Don't take what you have for granted. Don't let (your future) kids, job... etc. get in the way of your marriage, if it weren't for your marriage, the rest might not exist.

Chaper 3: 'You're a nag!'

Just as the title says. Don't be a nag. Praise your FH for doing things, even if they are everyday things that they are supposed to do (i.e. take out the trash, put their plate in the dishwasher). It'll make him want to do even more for you. Trust me.

Chapter 4: Men have feelings? Really? You're kidding!

Now, men do not, and never will have the same feelings as us, and have the ability to express them in the same way. It is very VERY important to understand that.

From the book:

A man needs to feel strong and as a protector for women -- basically, to conquer the beast and rescue the fair maiden.

What every man wants is for his woman to make him feel that he is strong and the head of the household. I am not talking caveman style, dragging the woman around by her hair, but just as the leader of the family.

A man wants respect, kindness, and love from his woman.

A man wants to be put on a pedestal, not so that he can look down at everyone, but, to show him that he is the most important thing to his woman.

A man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.

** The man should be the major breadwinner in the family. Every man needs a battle or war to win to prove himself that he is strong and capable of conquering any and all dragons that life throws his way. Taking care of his family by working and providing are his battles.

A man needs enthusiastic approval, appreciation, and respect from his wife for being a competent man, husband and father.

A man needs his wife to show some interest in his interests, especially when it's an activity she may not 'get' or like. Just being there is important.

A man needs his wife to greet him after work with love and enthusiasm.

A man needs to know that his wife is sexually satisfied by him.

A man needs his wife's encouragement in order to be a man.

**I don't necessarily believe this one, it's a little too old school for me, but, I put it out there, it was on the list and I didn't want to leave it out.

It's really important to realize that your FH has feelings too, and, even if he can't express them as well as you do, they're there, and they mean something.

Chapter 5: 'Huh? Honey, what did you say? What did that mean?'

In the interest of not making this the longest post ever, in a few words:

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Men don't get subtle hints. If you want to go to the movies, say:

Honey, let's go to the movies.

NOT:

Honey, what do you want to do tonight? And then get mad when he says he'd like to stay in.

Chapter 6: What's Sex?

Don't ever withhold sex from your husband. Everyone gets tired, and that is no excuse. It's part of a healthy relationship. Don't ever use it as a tool to get what you want, it's just hurtful, and wrong.

A man wrote it:

'My wonderful wife has put it best: 'Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks, on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks.' Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful.'

Chapter 7: A Man Should Be Respected In His Own Home

This sounds so much more barbaric than the meaning behind it.

Basically, respect your husbands choices and work together, not against each other.

Here are two more quotes from the book:

This is about a woman who used to be REALLY critical of her husband, and, then she realized, that he may not do things the same way she does, but, he gets it done, and that is what counts.

'And in the end, it doesn't much matter that they eat PBJ sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a day or that one tooth brushing gets overlooked or whatever little thing that used to set me off?
What matters is that our sons have learned that their daddy is an awesome, competent and loving caretaker. More important, I have learned that I set an example for my sons of how a wife should act. Would I want my sons to marry someone who treats them the way I used to treat my own husband? NO!'

And, the other, really important.

'My mother, I believe, had the best advice; in fact, I tollow it to this day as a married woman. The general idea behind her words was simple: If you want me to love and respect the man you date and eventually marry, don't come to me with complaints about all his faults and weaknesses. You may forgive his words and actions easily; I, however, am your mother, and I don't like to see you hurt. It will take more for me to accept his apologies than it will for you.'

SO TRUE. How often do you complain to your mom about your FH? I know I have. But, it's true. Nobody else is there living your life with you everyday, and, we all get into little arguments. Telling your mother about every little thing is such a bad idea. You may have forgiven and forgotten weeks ago, but, a mother doesn't.

And, finally:

Chapter 8: Guy Time

I'll be quick here.

A guy needs his guy time, be it with his brothers, his parents, his cousins, his friends, whomever. It has NOTHING to do with you, and it does not mean he doesn't love you as much.

We all need and take our girl time, so, we have to reciprocate.

Believe me, when guys get together, it's for nothing else other than to watch a game, or play cards....

It is sometimes hard for us to understand this. 'Why do you need to go out without me? What are you doing that I can't be a part of?'

The answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing. He's being a guy. Let it go.

Okay, that's it. I hope this helps, and, I hope that you girls go out and get the book. It was a great read, and, I highly recommend it. It is NOT for everyone, though, and, you have to read it with an open mind!

kellybean Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by AmandaLynn04

Posted by megzzie

Wow what a great and detailed review - thanks for sharing!

I think this part is so true - 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.'

So many people do this and it causes so many fights - I've seen it happen between couples!

Thank YOU. It took me an hour to type this up, to just have it beaten down! I appreciate you saying that. Everyone is so quick to jump down my throat!!!

I think the time and effort you put into this is amazing...I may not agree with it...but what works for one is not always going to work for another.....I think it is a very large compliment to your FH that you are putting so much effort into making sure that you are both happy.......thats wonderful.....I dont think people are beating you down I just think people are different....'different strokes for different folks.'

hb123 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Don't get me wrong, this is not a tit for tat argument. if I am doing a load of laundry, I am most certainly going to wash FH dirty underwear. Keeping 'score' is teh WORST thing a couple can do, kind of reminds me of teh Everybody Loves Raymond where the luggage sits on the staircase for 2 weeks.....

Again, it's about sharing responsibilities, whatever they may be. If I did not have a job and was at home full time you could bet your bottom dollar that I would be responsible for most of the household chores, it's only fair. But that is not the case in my situation or that of most other women on this board. Most of us work full time and don't have time to 'greet our husbands at the door' each night with a freshly baked pie. It's just ridiculously unrealistic.

AmandaLynn04 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by kellybean

Posted by AmandaLynn04

Posted by megzzie

Wow what a great and detailed review - thanks for sharing!

I think this part is so true - 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.'

So many people do this and it causes so many fights - I've seen it happen between couples!

Thank YOU. It took me an hour to type this up, to just have it beaten down! I appreciate you saying that. Everyone is so quick to jump down my throat!!!

I think the time and effort you put into this is amazing...I may not agree with it...but what works for one is not always going to work for another.....I think it is a very large compliment to your FH that you are putting so much effort into making sure that you are both happy.......thats wonderful.....I dont think people are beating you down I just think people are different....'different strokes for different folks.'

You're right. I guess just because I believe a lot of what she says, it's hard for me to differentiate between MY beliefs being beaten down, and HERS being beaten down, you know?

LuvMyAlfonse Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Regardless of what the post says (which I think it comes down to this anyway) is I think ALL relationship advice - whether it be your fiance, husband, friend, mother, brother, waitress, garbage man, etc - comes down to the basest and very first piece of advice we probably all received.

The good old golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It's plain old reciprocity.

ant n tilde Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by AmandaLynn04

Posted by kellybean

Posted by AmandaLynn04

Posted by megzzie

Wow what a great and detailed review - thanks for sharing!

I think this part is so true - 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.'

So many people do this and it causes so many fights - I've seen it happen between couples!

Thank YOU. It took me an hour to type this up, to just have it beaten down! I appreciate you saying that. Everyone is so quick to jump down my throat!!!

I think the time and effort you put into this is amazing...I may not agree with it...but what works for one is not always going to work for another.....I think it is a very large compliment to your FH that you are putting so much effort into making sure that you are both happy.......thats wonderful.....I dont think people are beating you down I just think people are different....'different strokes for different folks.'

You're right. I guess just because I believe a lot of what she says, it's hard for me to differentiate between MY beliefs being beaten down, and HERS being beaten down, you know?

i totally understand and agree with you!! that is why i usually dont talk about this stuff

we are always going to be the minority and it is going to be very easy for people to bash us simply bc there is more of them lol

like i always tell my family. . . i should have been born in the 40s

AmandaLynn04 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

Regardless of what the post says (which I think it comes down to this anyway) is I think ALL relationship advice - whether it be your fiance, husband, friend, mother, brother, waitress, garbage man, etc - comes down to the basest and very first piece of advice we probably all received.

The good old golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It's plain old reciprocity.

AmandaLynn04 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by ant n tilde

like i always tell my family. . . i should have been born in the 40s

lmao.... me too!!!

FutureMrs.T Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

While I was one of the first to disagree in this chat, I must say, I do appreciate your review and my comments were not directed towards you but rather Dr. L and her old school way of thinking.

All the burden should not be on a woman to make the relationship happy and work. If that relationship were to fail, that woman would feel like it were her fault, when in reality, it was both parties fault.

You should always feel like an equal in your relationship and never feel like you hol the burden of making all parties involved happy. That is a lot of pressure to put on one person.

Of course I do little things to make my FH happy. He does things for me too. But we do that not to get something in return. We do little things for each other because we want to, not because I want to train him to do nice things for me. That would be selfish and would take away from the nice thing that I am doing for him.

It is a rough topic that we are talking about and it something that people will always disagree on.

My mother did everything for my father, raised the children, cooked, cleaned, ran all errands, ironed his clothes, got his dry cleaning, etc.and worked a full time job and they got divorced after 30 years and he is remarried to someone who works and expects him to help out. So, it doesnt always work out.

cbcf Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by hb123

Don't get me wrong, this is not a tit for tat argument. if I am doing a load of laundry, I am most certainly going to wash FH dirty underwear. Keeping 'score' is teh WORST thing a couple can do, kind of reminds me of teh Everybody Loves Raymond where the luggage sits on the staircase for 2 weeks.....

Again, it's about sharing responsibilities, whatever they may be. If I did not have a job and was at home full time you could bet your bottom dollar that I would be responsible for most of the household chores, it's only fair. But that is not the case in my situation or that of most other women on this board. Most of us work full time and don't have time to 'greet our husbands at the door' each night with a freshly baked pie. It's just ridiculously unrealistic.

oo i completely agree. one of my friends and her FH do that tit for tat thing and I am like how do you ever get along...its kinda sad...

but yes i agree it is def about sharing responsibilities. i dont want to feel like i am doing everything but nor should fh like you said. and yea i mean if i am a stay at home wife (haha yeah right i need to get my *** out of the house and do be active haha) but anyway if i was i would def be responsible for alot more than FH. And yea i undertand on this board there are alot of us who are working as well as fh working. but things change with time and with kids in the pics...which i dont find anything wrong iwth working while having children or being a stay at home mom. both are just as important. but yes i know i wont be at the door with a pie in hands haha that is unrealistic i agree...but a kiss isnt

i mean i dont live with fh but i go to school full time and work full time and completely understand where you are coming from- i am not saying anything bad in that regards!!

cookieling Thread views: 12,103

.

megzzie Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by cbcf

Posted by hb123

Don't get me wrong, this is not a tit for tat argument. if I am doing a load of laundry, I am most certainly going to wash FH dirty underwear. Keeping 'score' is teh WORST thing a couple can do, kind of reminds me of teh Everybody Loves Raymond where the luggage sits on the staircase for 2 weeks.....

Again, it's about sharing responsibilities, whatever they may be. If I did not have a job and was at home full time you could bet your bottom dollar that I would be responsible for most of the household chores, it's only fair. But that is not the case in my situation or that of most other women on this board. Most of us work full time and don't have time to 'greet our husbands at the door' each night with a freshly baked pie. It's just ridiculously unrealistic.

oo i completely agree. one of my friends and her FH do that tit for tat thing and I am like how do you ever get along...its kinda sad...

but yes i agree it is def about sharing responsibilities. i dont want to feel like i am doing everything but nor should fh like you said. and yea i mean if i am a stay at home wife (haha yeah right i need to get my *** out of the house and do be active haha) but anyway if i was i would def be responsible for alot more than FH. And yea i undertand on this board there are alot of us who are working as well as fh working. but things change with time and with kids in the pics...which i dont find anything wrong iwth working while having children or being a stay at home mom. both are just as important. but yes i know i wont be at the door with a pie in hands haha that is unrealistic i agree...but a kiss isnt

i mean i dont live with fh but i go to school full time and work full time and completely understand where you are coming from- i am not saying anything bad in that regards!!

Very well said!

stephanief Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by AmandaLynn04

Posted by ant n tilde

Posted by AmandaLynn04

Posted by megzzie

Wow what a great and detailed review - thanks for sharing!

I think this part is so true - 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.'

So many people do this and it causes so many fights - I've seen it happen between couples!

Thank YOU. It took me an hour to type this up, to just have it beaten down! I appreciate you saying that. Everyone is so quick to jump down my throat!!!

i think everyone appreciates your effort - dont take it personally. This is a topic women feel VERY strongly about on both sides!

Yeah, I know, maybe I'm just feeling that way because by these reactions, it's clear who read it, and it's clear who is jumping on the bandwagon!

so If we do not agree with what she is saying, then we are 'jumping on the bandwagon?'

that is interesting

cbcf Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by megzzie

Posted by cbcf

Posted by hb123

Don't get me wrong, this is not a tit for tat argument. if I am doing a load of laundry, I am most certainly going to wash FH dirty underwear. Keeping 'score' is teh WORST thing a couple can do, kind of reminds me of teh Everybody Loves Raymond where the luggage sits on the staircase for 2 weeks.....

Again, it's about sharing responsibilities, whatever they may be. If I did not have a job and was at home full time you could bet your bottom dollar that I would be responsible for most of the household chores, it's only fair. But that is not the case in my situation or that of most other women on this board. Most of us work full time and don't have time to 'greet our husbands at the door' each night with a freshly baked pie. It's just ridiculously unrealistic.

oo i completely agree. one of my friends and her FH do that tit for tat thing and I am like how do you ever get along...its kinda sad...

but yes i agree it is def about sharing responsibilities. i dont want to feel like i am doing everything but nor should fh like you said. and yea i mean if i am a stay at home wife (haha yeah right i need to get my *** out of the house and do be active haha) but anyway if i was i would def be responsible for alot more than FH. And yea i undertand on this board there are alot of us who are working as well as fh working. but things change with time and with kids in the pics...which i dont find anything wrong iwth working while having children or being a stay at home mom. both are just as important. but yes i know i wont be at the door with a pie in hands haha that is unrealistic i agree...but a kiss isnt

i mean i dont live with fh but i go to school full time and work full time and completely understand where you are coming from- i am not saying anything bad in that regards!!

Very well said!

thanks meg and i agree with you about the whole magazine thing and stuff...i feel they are stupid haha

FutureMrs.T Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

When Dr. L writes 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like'

Isnt that what she is writing about???? Its sort hypocritical (sp?).

Snowflake08 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by AMGBride2008

Posted by HearzBellz

I cannot speak for anyone else, but I think that it is dangerous to tell people that 'methods' like this can equate to a happy marriage or save a marriage. That is all I meant. If I pulled this Donna Reed crap, Dh would get really bored once the novelty wore off.

I agree with you. I feel like it would lead to one-sided happiness... the DH basically has the DW do everything for him... how is the DW taken care of other than being 'protected'? I know I don't have to scurry to the kitchen to fetch my FH a beer in order for him to protect me when need be.

I just think, in the wrong hands, the 'advice' in this book can be very misleading.

ETA: I don't think people are jumping down your throat Amanda... I just think that you brought up a very controversial topic that has many people stating their very different opinions... not only different from your's and what stated in the book, but from each other. Kudos for engaging us all in a discussion that's a little more stimulating than crinolin slips and invitations.

i agree with kim
it is very controversial and i dont think people are necessarily jumping on the bandwagon
many people have listened to and heard of Dr. L before so although she may be new to you and / or others; i an quite familiar with her points of view

I think it also matters where people are in there lives, as kim stated 'if it ends up in the wrong hands'

Getting married 'later in life' as i call it, i am very set in my ways, have worked VERY hard for my career and although i would love to be able to afford not to work ; that simply is not feasible in today's society or in the life i wish to lead

lilangel369 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

omg .. can i just say ... i LOVE this book

AmandaLynn04 Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by FutureMrs.T

When Dr. L writes 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like'

Isnt that what she is writing about???? Its sort hypocritical (sp?).

She didn't say that... one of her listeners did.

cbcf Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by FutureMrs.T

When Dr. L writes 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like'

Isnt that what she is writing about???? Its sort hypocritical (sp?).

um not sure if i am right in saying this but i think what she means is books and magazines that tell us how our husband should be...meanwhile she is helping those who take her advice to apprecaite their husbands for who they are and know thta they have different emotions and dont necessarly understand how we feel...and also that when we want respect we should give it as well..idk thats kinda what i got from it she isnt really telling us how a husband should be...

FutureMrs.T Thread views: 12,103

Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!

Posted by cbcf

Posted by FutureMrs.T

When Dr. L writes 'Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like'

Isnt that what she is writing about???? Its sort hypocritical (sp?).

um not sure if i am right in saying this but i think what she means is books and magazines that tell us how our husband should be...meanwhile she is helping those who take her advice to apprecaite their husbands for who they are and know thta they have different emotions and dont necessarly understand how we feel...and also that when we want respect we should give it as well..idk thats kinda what i got from it she isnt really telling us how a husband should be...

You are right that she is not telling us what husbands should be....she is telling us what we should be as wives...which is just as bad.