Since we are both from different religious backgrounds, we are trying to put aspects from both religions into our ceremony. So far we have agreed on everything. FH is not really religious at all, I'm somewhat religious.
So shoot to Thanksgiving weekend with his family. All the females are now asking me a bunch of questions like are we having a chuppah, am I walking around him 7 times, are we breaking the glass, etc. I told them we haven't gotten to that point in our planning yet, but we're working on it. But I couldn't help but feel pressured. It was as almost as if whatever Catholic rituals I had in mind didn't matter.
Shoot to this week, and now FH is insisting on a chuppah. I'm thinking WTH since when does he care about such things, all this time he hasn't cared. He said he knows it would make his family happy. I told him it would make my family happy to see me married in a church, but you don't see them saying anything about that. I haven't made any requests, nor has my family. But now that the whole thing was brought up by his family, he is insisting on it.
Now I am not against having a chuppah. The problem I have is that this is something we should both agree on as part of our ceremony. Not something we felt pressured to do to make people happy.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Or am I just being a bridezilla?
xcalystax
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Re: The religious wars have begun!!
I totally agree with you. Both of you have to decide what both of you want and care about, regardless of what the families have to say about it. Compromise is key. :)
autumn
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one of my brother-in-laws are jewish and my family is catholic. my sister and BIL used a rabbi,deacon and a chuppah.
MattsBride
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Posted by xcalystax
I totally agree with you. Both of you have to decide what both of you want and care about, regardless of what the families have to say about it. Compromise is key. :)
I totally agree!
evnme
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Re: The religious wars have begun!!
janna, it is normal for 1 or both people to feel pressure by family to include certain rituals from their faith in an interfaith ceremony--but all in all, the wedding ceremony is about you AND fh...
you and your fh need to have a serious talk about what you and he want to include representative of both religions. for example, circling 7 times is not required and some interfaith couples have an arch of some sort instead of a chuppah. breaking the glass at the end is a nice ritual to keep as it is something that is recognizable as being part of a jewish wedding by non-jews. i dont know anything about catholic wedding rituals, so i can't help there....
this is something that must be discussed when you meet with your officiant for your premarital meetings.
i suggest that you get books on jewish and catholic wedding rituals so you both understand what happens and why. a good resource to start with is the new jewish wedding by anita diamont.
jewish lights publications has some books on interfaith marriages. i cant think of the titles offhand, but they have a website.
i hope this is helpful! Marnie
ps, you're not being a bridezilla.
lipglossjunky73
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Walking around 7 times is a VERY religious thing to do... Like ultra-Orthodox (I was raised in an Orthodox family on my mom's side - haven't dated a Jewish guy yet!!!)
BKtoLI
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Thanks ladies...I should probably give some background info here so you understand....
His family has all been jewish. He is the first person in his family to have an interfaith marriage, so I kind of understand the questioning. I was worried about this initially, but his family loves me and has accepted me.
My family is a little different. My parents are the same as us, my mother is catholic and my father is jewish. My father was also the first one to have an interfaith marriage in his family. My mother is religious, my father is not. Both of my brothers married women who were raised heavily catholic, so they both went through pre-cana and got married in a church.
So between my parents and us, history is repeating itself. I told him I am open to ideas, as long as I don't feel like they are forced down my throat. He feels the same way. But I do know this will still be a tough battle.
Goldi1021
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Posted by lipglossjunky73
Walking around 7 times is a VERY religious thing to do... Like ultra-Orthodox (I was raised in an Orthodox family on my mom's side - haven't dated a Jewish guy yet!!!)
You are right, it is traditionally an orthodox ritual, however, more often, conservative and reform brides are incorporating this part into their ceremonies- FH and I discussed this and I plan to do it!!! People do what is comfortable for them. Surprisingly enough there are Jewish brides who refuse to do it because they feel it demonstrates a submissiveness to a man. I personally love the pageantry and knowing how strong of a woman I am, I could never EVER be subservient to my husband. He knows it too.
In the case of a Chuppah, it is the one single most thing that identifies a Jewish wedding as Jewish. My brother's second wedding (his wife is Catholic) had one. They were married in their hall by a Reform Rabbi and an Episcopalian Minister as the Church wouldn't permit a priest to perform their ceremony. Out of respect for my parents, my brother would not get married in a Church anyway. The idea of standing in front of a crucifix would be rather unsettling to them.
They had a unity candle and they stepped on the glass but they did not say the seven marriage blessings as they discuss the perpetuation of the faith - something that was not going to be done since the faith of THEIR children would not be Jewish - their son is Episcopalian. They did NOT have a ketubah as it deals with living a life according to the laws of Moses and Israel - something my sister in law was not prepared to do. (Though I should mention that SOME ketubahs are interfaith but I do not know how that works).
The Rabbi performed the Jewish rituals UNDER the Chuppah, and the minister performed the Episcopalian rituals IN FRONT OF the chuppah. Neither set of parents stood under the chuppah - they sat in the front rows of chairs.
My sister and I had been asked to do readings. Typically, there are no readings in a Jewish ceremony but we knew it was an honor in non-Jewish ceremonies. We had been concerned that we would be asked to read a part of a bible we did not follow but it turns out that we were asked to read from the OLD Testament and my SIL's family read from the NEW Testament. The reading was beautiful and certainly something I believed in.
So there ARE ways you can incorporate both religions and have a happy medium that will please both sides and not offend either.
If your FH feels that strongly about having a Chuppah, have his explain why it is important to him.
JanuaryBride06
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BKtoLI
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We do have an officiant who is working with us on all of the rituals. So far we have agreed on the unity candle, the wine, the breaking of the glass, some readings that are not from a Bible or either Testament, and that's it. We have yet to see if anything else will be added.
I know he only wants the chuppah because his family wants it and that it would make them happy. I then asked him to put everyone else out of the picture and then decide if he really wants it. He said yes. Then I said are you sure you are not just saying yes because your family really wants it. And then he said 'well it would make them all happy'. I said what about my family, they couldn't care less because it's our wedding not theirs, but they're going to wonder why we're getting married under a chuppah. I told him if it means that much to him, then fine. But I still feel uneasy about his giving in because of his family.
I just feel like it's the chuppah now, and then closer to the wedding it will be other things he will want to do to make them happy with disregard to my or his own feelings.
JanuaryBride06
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you have FM
Goldi1021
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Posted by JanuaryBride06
...walking around 7 times (I don't know what that's about
This will appear in our program and will surely help those who don't understand Jewish rituals:
'The Chuppah is the wedding canopy under which Leslie and Edward stand during the wedding ceremony. It represents the home they will build together as husband and wife. Reminiscent of the home of Abraham and Sarah, it is open on all four sides so that family and friends know they are always welcome. When Leslie reaches the Chuppah, she will circle Edward seven times. Circling the groom symbolically creates the space the couple will share as husband and wife. The number seven reminds us of the seven days of creation and the seven marriage blessings.'
Janna, if you would like me to send you the text of my program - which has yet to be sent to print - (Can I get an 'OY VEY' please) it has the meanings of the other rituals as well so you can have a better understanding - um wait, you will see for yourself!!!
BKtoLI
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Yup!!! Trust me, I will be taking notes at your wedding!!!
If you see that I have stolen some ideas when you get to my wedding, please don't kill me!!
Goldi1021
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Janna it will be my pleasure to help you in any way I can!!!
ssdbk
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Janna--Just remember that even if you were the same religion, everyone would have an opinion, and they'd want you to do things the way they envisioned it. Do what you like.
My thoughts on some of this:
My mixed 'review' on the idea of getting a chuppah. Personally, I loved my chuppah. It is symbolic of your first home together and they are often so pretty. However, they are so overpriced sometimes! So if you have family members insisting on it, drop the pricing info on them and tell them that if they want it, they can pay for it!!! And if you don't want a chuppah don't get one. When you have one, it is likely to be in every ceremony picture. So, if you didn't want it, it could suck to have to look back at the photos.
Circling around the groom: This is definitely not required!!!! What we did was, I circled him 3 times, and he circled me 3 times. It was more egalitarian and we didn't get dizzy. Also, we were not sure until the day of whether we would do that at all. I needed to see how it would work with my train (and I can explain that if you need).
VogueBride
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Re: The religious wars have begun!!
no your not wrong...i think maybe you shoudl sit on it for a fewe days and then express this to FH like that....its about YOUR (mean the both of you) wedding....so it should be aspects you both bring to the table that you agree upon. and how wonderful to have such a wedding where there is a wealth of traditions to pick from..you were both blessed with this!
mka06
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Re: The religious wars have begun!!
one of my college friends just got married to a jewish guy. she's very catholic. thry got married in a church and then the invite said the 'chuppah' will be raised at X time. They had a rabbi do a ceremony at the reception hall with a chuppah held by 4 people (all relatives on her DH's side) at the very beginning of the recpetion (post-CH bc they were not there. were taking pics). I have never been to a jewish wedding ceremony, so I don't know what they did and didn't do, but they both repeated vows, drank wine that their parents drank too, and smashed the glass. THere was no walking around 7 times. I thought it was great and really nice to incorporate both! I believe his family was very happy with this arrangement too. If you're interested in more details on how they structured it, FM me.
MrsH1156
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Re: The religious wars have begun!!
Janna - It sounds like he's giving in to the pressure his family is putting on you both. As I know you know, it's amazing what a little bit of pressure can do to a person. When you've had a little time to calm down, try talking to him about it and see if there are any other reasons he can come up with BESIDES it will make his family happy. If there are, there are ways to add elements of both religions into the ceremony (but I know you know that already!). So basically, no, you're not being a bridezilla and yes, you have the right to question him about what he really wants.
Mrs. dleeny
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I totally understand your situation.
I am Jewish and he's Catholic, neither one of us is very religious at all. But I have to tell you, getting married changes how you feel about certain things. for me, I had to have a Rabbi marry me. It was DH's choice not to have a Priest too. I also wanted a chuppa and him to break the glass (which he wanted to do anyway).
So while neither of us is very religious, I am traditional in many ways and it meant a lot to me to have those things incorporated on the most important day of my life.
I hope that helps explain things... and I wish you luck.
ETA: I am also the 1st one in my family to marry outside the faith. so that is another reason why it meant a lot to me to keep a lot of the Jewish traditions in the ceremony.... for my parents - namely my Father who is Israeli.
sk1nny27
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Re: The religious wars have begun!!
i felt pressure from my fathers side to get married ion the catholic church by my great uncle who is a priest. meanwhile i consider myself protestant. it was hard for me to explain to my dad but i did and now everyone respects my decision. i would have been miserable getting married catholic. your families dont really have a say. you have to do what you both want!!
