this is a big one- I need your advice (kind of long)

Although I don't post on this board that often, I frequently look at the posts and know that you ladies are insightful and helpful- so now I am turning to you.

FH and I are paying for 100% of our wedding (it's on 4/24/04). The room that we are having our reception in holds 160 people. We have decided to do rolling invitations (first wave in Jan, second wave in Feb, etc.). For the first wave, we told both of our parents that they could invite 35 people each. They will get more invitations as the responses come back- divided evenly.

While my parents intially accepted this, they are now telling me that they will not come to my wedding unless they can invite 55-60 people, all in the first wave. They claim that they will suffer endless embarassment and humiliation if they don't invite all of these people. The only way that this can happen is if we cut out 20 of our friends or sacrifice all of the money that we paid and postpone our wedding so that we can get a bigger place. FH is convinced that this a power play by my parents to force us to give into their demands but that they will eventually give in and come to the wedding.

Needless to tell you, I am so upset and sick from this that I had to leave work. Please give me your thoughts and advice on how to handle this. Thanks.

Would your parents be able to pay for the extra twenty people??

So sorry that you are going thru this.

First, *hugs*, I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Second, I agree 100% with your FHs thoughts on this - FH is convinced that this a power play by my parents to force us to give into their demands but that they will eventually give in and come to the wedding.

This is your wedding, not your parents. I think it's really selfish and hurtful for them to be more concerned with their friends and how they look to their friends, than their own daughter. (No offense.)

If you are paying for everything, you call the shots. If your parents want more people, they should pay for them. It sounds unreasonable for parents to demand that their children pay for so many more guests and not contribute.


Do you think it is a mind game to get you to ask for financial help from them? Is there more to the story we don't know? (i.e. Mom and Dad offered to host wedding, but you wanted to do it on your own and now they want you to beg)

I'm sorry you are going through this!!
I honestly think you should explain it to your parents the same way you just did to us. Make sure they understand that you aren't willing to cut out your friends from the first wave. They should organize their list in such a way that nobody would find out there were seperate waves of inviting.

one other thing that I should say- they tried to book a wedding for me last year to be held on a Sunday afternoon in November. We spoke to many of our friends who told us that it would be a hardship to come- not to mention that I was not all that eager to get up at 4 in the morning that day. So FH and I changed it to a Sat. nite in April. They are bitter about that.

Thank you all for your responses- they are very helpful and consoling.

I am so sorry that you are going throught this.

But I do agree with you and what everyone else has said. If you are paying for the wedding, then you and your FI decide who is getting invited when. I think it is very selfish of your parents to put you in such an awkward position. Why should you have to choose between your parents and your own friends? I say do what you and your FI want, your parents will deal with it.

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, and I wouldn't take any of that from wither one of our parents. If we are paying, its our way or the highway.

This is YOUR wedding and I would simply tell your parents that if they want to pay for the deposits you will lose by having to switch to a bigger place, then fine....not to mention that they can also pay for the extra 20 people they just HAVE to invite...
or they can come to grips with the fact that this is YOUR WEDDING and not their social gathering.....

I would imagine your FH is right in assuming they are not going to refuse to come to your wedding based on headcount....

I am so sorry to hear that your parents have put you in this type of situation.....It's awful!

Good Luck!

i agree with the other girls,its your wedding and you are paying not theres. their threat is just a threat, if they're talking about being embarased by not inviting everyone, then they would me MORE embarassed telling people they didnt go to their daughters wedding...
also remind them that some people do rsvp no, so there will be a chance for them to invite the extra people, just not from the start, if they wanted all those extra people, then they should have told you from the start and offered to pay for a bigger hall

That's just selfish and unreasonable for them to make that demand upon you. DO NOT cut your friends from your list! You will regret sharing this day with people who not only care about you, but who KNOW YOU!
I honestly don't understand why it's so important to invite your parents friends, my mom is inviting like 5 people! WHy do these people want to come to your wedding other than to socialize?
I'm guessing that you have a maximum that the room can hold. Unfortunatley your parents will have to deal with the 'embarrassment' same as you will have to deal with the hurt their selfishness is causing you.
My heart goes out to you.

I think you are being totally unreasonable. You should let your parents invite as many people as they like. How much is your per person cost? Add 20% and as long as they give you a check before the invites went out for those people, what's the problem?

People don't realize how expensive weddings are, especially when you are trying to save money for a house or apt and are paying student loans. I really don't understand how parents who aren't contributing can demand to add people to your list. I don't want you to cut your nose to spite your face, but maybe you can compromise.

Good Luck!!!

sure, invite them! just tell your parent that they have to pay for the extra people!


I feel so bad for you - I really hope your parents will back down on their threat.

I would tell yoru parents exactly what you just posted, taht it would mean you have to sacrifice your own friends and postpone it...I woudl gently say that you will gladly invite more if they want to buck up the cash! Its yoru wedding....it sounds like you are doing teh best that you can! Im sorry you are faced with such tough decisions!!!

I do think you should stick to your original plan & your FH is right that this is a power play. BUT before you call their bluff . . . really think if you'll be happy if your parents do decide not to attend your wedding.

My room also holds 160 & we invited 200. For a minute it didn't seem like we'd get under 160 but we did & have even been able to add a few who weren't on the original A or B list.

Can you ask your parents if any of their guests are considered 'courtesy invitations' & if they are unsure if they'll really attend? My mom had a few friends who we sent invites to & they sent a check - they never intended on coming.

Anyways, I'm sorry your parents are putting you through this. Of course we dunno what your relationship is w/them, but know I'd be crushed if my Mom wasn't at my wedding no matter the reason. Good luck!!