This is a bridesmaid issue you havent heard of....

I have 7 BMs. 3 friends, 1 sister, 2 step-sisters, and 1 niece.

There have been so many problems with one of my step-sisters in the past when my other step-sister was supposed to get married a few years back. This is because she is gay - not a lipstick type, but more like a man. I hope this doesnt offend anyone. She gets iffy about wearing a dress when it comes to the color and the fact that its girly, etc. But she said of course she would do it for us since its our wedding and its only one day.

She never brings the wedding up so I said to her tonight (we got together tonight - we rarely see each other) you know you have to buy a dress, shoes, etc. At the end of the year. She said yes and all that. I was just asking her because she has money problems too. (she is currently living with her friend and makes $5.15 an hour) So when I told her it would be a dark pink she snorted. Then my other sister said, would you put gel in your hair (she has a boy hair cut) and wear makeup? She said she would but as long as I know that I will have a 'dyke' in my wedding. I said I know, I dont care what you look like, I just want you to be in it. She also said she wouldnt go to the spa that my sister is throwing for my bachlorette party but shell meet us at the lunch.

Anyway, what I am saying is, I guess I dont have a problem persay, maybe I am just venting......

What do you ladies think? Any advice on how to handle this or similar experiences?

WHy wont she go to the spa? It stinks when people feel different but then they take actions that further alienate themselves....I think that honestly, you really cant change her. If you want her to be in the party, She will be in the party. It might be extremely uncomfortable for her to wear pink, gel and make-up...but she agreed to do it right?

Hope this doesnt offend anyone either, but I just think you cant expect much more from her!

In all fairness, it seems like she's already going WAY out of her comfort zone, I don't think you should push your luck. I understand that you want her around for all the special BM get-togethers and at the spa, but you make just have to let it go. Good luck!

P.S. It was defintely a new BM post!

It's a interesting situation. I think it says alot that she is willing to wear the dress and the makeup, especially since it so obviously isn't her thing. That's a big deal in and of itself.

It's a shame that she isn't comfortable going to the spa with everyone, but she is willing to meet for lunch. Sounds like she is being quite reasonable.
Like you said, as long as she is there with you, that is the most important thing.

I think it is nice that she is willing to wear the dress and do her hair, especially since that isnt her thing. I think you might be pressing your luck expecting her to go to the spa, she is not being totally unreasonable since she is paying for everything and she doesnt have a lot of $, plus she is willing to meet BM for lunch.
if it makes you feel better I have a close friend that is gay and not into the whole dress/makeup thing (she will probably wear a suit to my wedding) and she was in a BP a couple of years ago. She wore the dress and got her hair done and she was the prettiest girl in the BP
I just wouldnt push her too much cause you want her to have a smile on her face for your big day!

Well ... I suppose you broke the ice. I am in the same situation, and did not say anything for the entire year or so that I've been on these boards. My sister is gay and is in the bridal party. She has been pretty good about the whole thing, however I don't push her. I agree with the comment that was made about pushing someone out of their comfort zone. I think that you can ask that she wear the dress etc., but beyond that, I don't really think it's fair to expect more. My sister may get her hair done because she has the same sort of hair I do ... wavy, long, tassled, potentially messy looking. However, if she chooses not to, I will live with that. I do not expect her to wear makeup, but she may choose to ... she sometimes wears mascara.

In part because of this situation, I selected a place to get dresses where the girls can choose their own ... and they each chose a different style. I guess what I'm trying to say is that having someone who is a lesbian in your wedding party does pose some interesting concerns, but they can all be handled well if you keep respect at the base of everything.

I hope this helped.

Maybe you should let her know that you do not have a problem with her being gay and while you know dresses aren't her thing, you appreciate that she's doing it. Maybe she needs to feel reassured that no one is trying to 'change' her.

Maybe she is using the fact that she's gay and wants to look 'dykey' to cover the fact taht she doesn't have alot of money?

I think that's why she doesnt' want to do the spa thing.

Either way if she's willing to compromise on things, that might be easier on the both of you.

Mary