This is going to be a doozy...LONG

My FH's grandmother is really controlling and likes to think that she's in charge of the entire family. Some examples:

-FH had NEVER been to a holiday with his father's side of the family until after his parents' got divorced when FH was 21 years old. It was 'understood' in his house that all holidays were to be spent with his grandmother.

-FMIL invited her husband's (both of FH's parents remarried very quickly) daughter and grandchildren to Thanksgiving dinner. FH's grandmother got angry and pouted all night because she said that Thanksgiving dinner should be 'just family' (evidently they don't 'count')

-Told my FH at Easter dinner in front of me and FH's entire family that she has 'given up' on him because he is marrying a non-Catholic (for the record, I'm an Episcopalian, not some sort of $atan-worshiper, and FH hasn't been to a Catholic church since he was confirmed).

Anyway, now that you have the background, you'll understand why I tread lightly with this woman. She can be very sweet, but if you dare to cross her things get scary.

My uncle is performing our ceremony (he's an Episcopal priest) and offered to do our ceremony programs for us (very sweet of him). Well, I sent an e-mail to my FMIL asking if how she wanted to be listed in the program (legally, she has her new husband's name, but generally uses her old lastname because of FH's 15 year old sister). She wrote me back, I e-mailed my uncle...done.

Today I got an e-mail from her saying, 'I forgot to add, you should list my parents in the program as Mr. and Mrs. Henry D. ___ because my father always includes his middle initial. I e-mailed my uncle to add it (because I was under the impression that it's customary to only include the names of the parents of the bride and groom) and the programs have already been printed!

I am totally at a loss for what to do about this...

I know that FH's grandmother is going to make a HUGE deal about it and will see it as some horrible personal insult against her.

I'm thinking of just not saying anything and then playing dumb on the day of the wedding...

What do you girls think I should do?

Edited because I didn't realize we couldn't write the word '$atan'...strange.

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Posted by JandJ1224

I would just play dumb, don't show them the programs before the big day. Its not like you included your grandparents and not his right??

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AGREED. COMPLETELY

I'm not sure I understand, are FH's grandparents completely not included in the program or are they listed without the middle initial??

If they're not included I truly don't see what the problem is - parents get listed, not grandparents (as far as I know). If it's just the middle initial, ignorance the day of is the way to go.

Listen, people are going to act crazy. I think you did the right thing, & so you should let her complaints roll off your shoulder. Honestly, it sounds like if it wasn't this matter of the programs, it would just be something else. I think she has a real control problem.

You did your part. You were courteous enough to ask FMIL which way she wanted her name to be displayed & took her feelings into account. If Grandma going to moan about it, I think you should just tell her that it can't be changed now, & that you tried to include the other names, but it was too late. This way, your name is cleared & she can't say anything.

I wouldn't even waste a minute stressing over this lady. If you feel it would help, why not have FH talk to her when she starts barking? He needs to let her know that if she's messing with YOU, then she's messing with HIM! And what grandmother wants to be on her grandson's crap list? I think FH is the KEY factor in this. And also, I think it would make her steamed if she knew that her grandson is putting someone else before her!! Let me know what happens.

Well you can play dumb but you really don't want a scene the day of the wedding....that would be bad. Maybe you can show a copy of it to the family before the wedding day. I'm sure she'll be insulted but I mean she isn't supposed to be in the ceremony program. That's stupid. Don't sweat over it, let it go but make sure she knows what it says before your big day.
Good Luck

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Posted by Boston&NY2006

They're not listed at all...We just listed parents. I assumed that only parents were listed...I guess she assumed differently.

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We included grandparents names but that is just because we wanted to - and my living grandparents walked down the aisle in the processional.

Tell her the truth - that they are already printed and that none of the grandparents names were included. What will she really do, make a huge deal and seem like a control freak by asking that they be reprinted

hmmm... personally i would just tell her that i'm very sorry but i was under the impression that only the parents were listed on the programs, not the grandparents. tell her that you tried to add them but unfortunately the programs have already been printed.
if she makes a big deal out of it, so be it. you tried to accomodate her wishes. you were polite in telling her it just didn't work out. and if she wants to be a witch about it, then let her pout. there's only so much you can do to please everyone and it kind of seems like she's the type of person who would find something to pout over, regardless.
i dunno, maybe it's just me but i have dealt with enough people pouting and complaining and not being happy with something. this is our freakin' day, not theirs. i do my best to make everyone happy and if it doesn't work out - well in the end, as long as FH and i are happy, that's all that matters to me. if someone doesn't like it, don't come

lol i'm becoming bitter

First, I can relate to the need to 'step lightly' with certain people.

I don't think I would say anything and if she sees them and questions you, then say 'oh, yes, unfortunately they were already printed when the last additions were requested' or you can just explain that you only wrote parents or whatever.

Good luck!