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This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

Original post by nrvbrd

completely on their own?

I am one of these people. I am proud of this, but it is quite the challenge. Neither families are in the position to help us. It would be nice to have an extra couple of thousands of $$$$ but oh well.

I have been thinking that when I have kids and it is time for them to get married I want to be able to contribute. While they will pay for a good portion of it, I want to be in a position where I can help them so they are not struggling as much as I am.

Is this something you guys think about?
Sorry for the vent, but I am stressed and broke.
Lisa Rose Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

I know exactly what you are saying. Harry and I saved every dime to pay for our wedding. My parents were in no position and was his parents to pay for our wedding. But I have to say, just like JennBaby, that day we had the ultimate statisfaction that we paid for everything ourselves. It also was good because we got to make our own decisions on EVERYTHING without having to consoult 2 sets of parents. I do wish we had had more $$$ to spend on certian things but we had the most amazing day!
So, do dispare, all the sacrifics today will be worth in on your day! You will have many years to take many many vacations!!

Enjoy!
kelly6273 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

We are also paying for the whole thing ourselves. Our parents have offered money but we have asked them to give whatever they choose as a gift on our wedding day. We really wanted to do it on our own...be proud of yourself!!!

I know what you mean about your kids....I also hope to be in a position to pay for theirs...how much do you think weddings are going to cost by the time they get married? Now there's a scary thought!!!
MayDay16 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

We are paying for it ourselves. MY FH's parents who are well off and paid for both of their daughters weddings would not contribute. They felt it was up to the M&FOB to pay for everything. When I told them my parents can't financial afford it they nearly fell off their seats! They told my FH that they will give it to us on the day of the wedding. Whatever that means?! It was hard for me, I pretty much wiped out my savings. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let my children go through this financial stress. I guess only time will tell.

Rob-luvs-me Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

I think the reason FH is SOOOO bent on doing these things is that his parents are divorced and his father insists on FH always being there for him BUT he is NEVER there to help FH. They used to regularly go to their summer house - for years and FFIL would invite FH - FH would say to them I'm sorry but I have to work unless you want to help me out this weekend so that I can come - but they told him no you need to pay for everything yourself. (Mind you this man could afford to help his sons out - they just choose to spend their money on FSMIL's neice and her boyfriend instead- by taking them on vacation giving them money, furniture - while FH and his brother struggle and were never helped out. He has been working full time (with many overtime hours - not taking vacation time b/c he needed the money) and going to school full time as well - just so he could pay for school on his own and help his mother pay her bills.

We feel it is important to have our children know the value of a dollar - BUT - I don't want my children to stuggle IF I can afford to help them.

I have friends whose parents pay for everything who have no problems running up HUGE bills on daddy's credit card - and I KNOW they will NOT make it on their own without daddy's help. THIS is NOT what I want to teach my children - but I feel that there is a balance between the two - you can have your children have a job and pay for many things but if you can afford it -help them with their educational tutition.

I don't really think that anyone can say you should or you shouldn't do this or that - b/c everyone is in a different place in life and has been taught different lessons - this is what makes us individuals -

You girls who are paying for everything deserve a lot of credit.
OctBride05 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

fh and i are also paying for the majority of our wedding. it is very hard,we have to give up alot of the things we enjoy to make this wedding everything we dreamed it would be. we are also in college and even though we get some financial aid, it doesn't cover it all. but like alot of people said when that day comes and you and fh say we did this all on your own, it's going to be a wonderful feeling. i have already told fh when our children are born, i want to start right away and save money in a seperate account for their wedding and college because i wish my parents had done that for me. because the price of weddings when our chioldren get married will probably 10 times higher than what were paying

nrvbrd Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

Just got a chance to read all of these.

I am glad I am not the only one who feels the way I do.
HearzBellz Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

MayDay16.... I have the same problem, my mom is recently divorced & has been out of work for the past few months due to some health issues. My FILs have money, but they refuse to give us any b/c they say that it is the bride's family who should be responsible. I t really aggravates me that they won't support us emotionally, but now they are refusing to give FH some money they set aside for him for his 1st house b/c he asked for it to buy my engagement ring!
Some people are really unbelievable!

I would always offer help, but I would hope to have my children be as responsible as they can with their money so that they would be as proud of paying themselves as we all are!
christine1221 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

DH & I paid for most of our wedding. We had some help, but the bulk of the responsibility fell on us. My mom, divorced as well, could not afford to give us as much as she wanted. This was perfectly ok with me. I KNOW she felt bad/guilty about this & thought it was her job to do this for me. I was glad it worked out this way.

Vinnie & I worked very hard during the year to come up with a savings plan & worked together to make it happen. He was involved in every part of the planning. If it had been my mom's gift, I don't know how involved he would have been. I felt like at the end of the day, we accomplished something great together & truly enjoyed our day.

I agree with the sentiment that children should be taught responsibility. Too often, kids who get everything without working for it do not have any idea what being responsible is about. That means working & contributing to their finances & learning about saving money etc.

I don't think there is anyone who would say that they would deny their children, but to teach them how to be independent successfully is what parenting is all about IMO!
Scoop Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

My parents had set up a 'college' account and 'wedding' account for each of us from when we were born. Through the years they contributed to the accounts whenever they could and when people gave us gifts for the holidays, birthdays,etc...the money went straight into the account. I plan to do this for my children too.

mv1003 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

FH & I are paying for 1/2 and my Mom is paying for the other 1/2. We would not be having THIS wedding if we had to pay for the entire thing. (We'd probably have a very small gtg)
I am very grateful for my Mom's help. Not just $$, but witht the great lessons I have learned in paying for this other 1/2. FH and I have made several sacrifices in order to have the things we want. We've had to compromise on some of those things too. This lesson was hard to learn, but in my opinion, necessary. Sometimes I got jealous of everyone who could have everything they wanted and didn't have to think twice of how it was going to be paid for. I'm human too.

Now that our day is getting closer, I wouldn't change a thing. I am extremely proud of the way we set a goal and will achieve it. I do hope to be in a position where we can help our children, however, I do hope also, I can teach them this lesson as well.
Be very proud of your wedding day! Keep your head up, I know some days are better than others when thinking of $$$$.
wearefamily608 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

We are 100% doing it solo. My mom is buying me a wedding gown (not working, stage 4 cancer) and I don't expect anything from my father though he is in a position to give plenty. FH parents are older, retired and live on a fixed income.

I'd rather be broke and happy than rely on others if that makes sense. I'm proud we're doing it ourselves even if it's a budget, DIY wedding. I was originally doing to do a back room restaurant and I'm having a REAL wedding.
RFutureBegins2day Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

Yes!! I think about it. That is why I hooked up with a financial guy to help me put away a little here and a little there. So, when my kids are at that point, I will have something to give them.

I have a financial guy who can sit down with you in your home. He does not charge anything. I thought that it would cost me an arm and leg, but honestly, when I started the fund, I put $50 a month. There is no minimum/maximum.

FM me if your interested. He is from a company called first investors in Melville.
thefloreswedding Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

definitely! we are paying for the wedding on our own and i definitely dont want my kids to go through that....i mean i want to help them but i wont be paying for the whole thing either LOL

but i will definitely help them!
fdnybride163 Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

even though we are luck enought to have parents paying for our entire reception we still have to pay everything else on our own. and no matter how much you think you have its all gone in 2 seconds

**PS Ive already started a savings for my daughters wedding**
FutureWifey Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

I used to work for First Investors! It's a great company.

My FH and I are paying fully for the wedding. On top of that... our parents want certain things for them.. such as 'parent albums,' which to me is a little ridiculous because they aren't offering to cough up any cash. It's my day.. not theirs to show off. I guess I'm a little bitter too.

I actually plan that when I have kids, I'll put money into accounts for each one. Even if it's $25 a week each, that money will definitely add up a lot. That will be the amount that they get for college/wedding/life. Knowing me.. I might add a little to it because I know how hard it is to start out. I'm doing an entry level job while going for my MBA and trying to pay my way through school and for the wedding and we need to buy a house. It's definitely not easy, but it's life.

Funny thing is... our parents want the big wedding. We just tried to budget it in.. and to be honest.. I'm happy we are. I'm psyched... but still a little anxious about the cash..
PhyllisNJoe Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

Posted by smooch

I'm very proud of all of that, and I don't resent my parents for not helping me financially. They have given me so much more than money can buy. I have their undying love, support, friendship, and more.

THAT is what I will give to my kids. Sure it would be nice to help them financially, but I know too many people (NOT SAYING THIS ABOUT ANYONE ON THIS BOARD SINCE I DON'T KNOW YOU! Please don't think that I am judging anyone!!) who were handed life on a silver platter and have no financial responsibilities at all. One of my dear friends is always running into money problems, and her parents bail her out all the time, though I know they don't have a lot. And she still is out shopping for clothes all the time. I do not want my kids to grow up like that. Everything I got from my family I cherish, but the intangilbles are worth more to me than anything I've had to pay for for myself.



ITA

We are paying for everything ourselves. And when I say we, I mean more FH than I bc I don't make as much $$$ as he does... but we both contribute to our wedding acct. a certain % weekly. Even with that, it's a struggle and I worry all the time about how we are going to pay for it all.
And at the same time trying to find a way to make more money to save for a down payment on a house. It feels impossible most days, but little by little it's all coming together.

With as hard as it is - we are proud.

THIS IS JUST MY OPINION AND I AM NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE, SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY...

I feel like saving for your wedding, working the extra hours for something you really want and learning that you have to sacrifice your every day life/weekends/vacations for a cpl years to make it happen, makes you a stronger person and a strong couple. You learn something about yourself and the both of you as a couple before you even start your life again. YOU KNOW what you two are capable of and what you can accomplish together.
You really KNOW how much things cost and you decide on what you NEED most. Do I NEED the most expensive dress in the store? No. I didn't look above my price range and found one for half of what I was willing to spend and LOVE IT! And because I saved on some items (dress, DJ, etc.) I was able to get a few extras DOC, Photo booth, Tent for outside..

Sometimes when I'm worrying about the $$$$ I wish I could have someone just say - don't worry, I'll pay for that...then I realize that comes with a price too. If they are willing to pay for it, it usually means they have an opinion. Then it isn't just about you and what you want, it's about what THEY want too - bc they are paying for it.

With my children... I will try my best to have a savings account set up for them for school (which to me is most important). And another saved for a wedding, house, business start or anything else they may need. BUT it will not be handed to them just because they are my children. I think growing up without is what taught me to be appreciative and understand that life is really about. And its not about $300 jeans and $700 purses. So yes, the money will be there if they NEED it. I want them to work for what they have so they appreciate everything they have gained and have that sense of pride.

I bought myself my first diamonds. A set of stud earrings. After working for 4 years and having to help support my family with my pay, I finally had enough saved to buy myself something that wasn't Food, Clothing, Transportation - And 10 years later, every time I put them on I remember the pride I felt the day I bought them. Can't get that from something that was just Given to you.
HSsweethearts Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

I'm more worried about the present but I definitely don't want my kids to be in the position I'm in now. I partically financially support my mom. I know she wishes it could be the opposite and she could help me. I don't want to hand my kids everything on a silver platter so to speak, but I definitely hope and pray that i can take care of myself and I'm not in the position my mom is in and that my kids don't have to go through what I have been through.

olganfreddy Posted:

Re: This may sound bitter, but a question to those paying for their wedding

Our parents would give us the shirt of their backs....but they were in no position to pay for the wedding of our dreams. FH and I paid for this wedding 100% on our own. Thats the only way we were able to have a wedding we truly wanted. Our $$, our decision...we loved the freedom and liberty. Given our family's situation I would not want them contributing their retirement savings to pay for my wedding. We had a wedding we could afford....and its even more satisfying to say that we paid for it 100%. Our parents gave a very generous gift and I am thankful for that! If your parents could....be thankful for that. I know a most of my friends got married and their parents split the cost of the wedding...and thats fantastic. I'm happy for them. But we went into it knowing its 100% us....so our decisions were alligned with our budget. I got everything I wanted and couldnt be happier with how everything turned out! Be thankful for your parents help....and be proud of yourselves if you are on your own like we were.

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