Thursday's Laugh for the day! - A WEEK AT THE GYM - kinda long

Kinda long, but I thought it was interesting! Some of these quotes are from the people we think are intellectual!!! Interesting how silly everyone can be!

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: 'I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,' -- Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss USA contest.

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,' --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,' -- Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,' -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president.' -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it,' -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

'I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.' -- John Wayne

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' -- Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.' -- Al Gore, Vice President

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.' -- Dan Quayle

' It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another' -- George Bush, US President

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?' --
Lee Iacocca

'I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version.' -- Colonel Oliver North, from
his Iran-Contra testimony.

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.' -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports
analyst.

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people.' --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' -- Bill Clinton,
President

'We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.' -- Al
Gore, VP

'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.' -- Keppel
Enderbery

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances.' -- Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' -- Mark S.
Fowler, FCC Chairman

....Feeling smarter yet?

LOL Lauren - THANKS for the laugh!!

VERY FUNNY!!! Thanks for sharing!!

Great job, Lauren! Just what I needed to pick me up today! Sooooo tired!

I'm glad you all like!!! Stay tuned for the Laugh of the day for Thursday!

OH BOY, now I have to find something!

Here's Thursday Laugh of the Day!!!

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden
enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress, so here it goes:

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is
something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other $hit too.

THURSDAY:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took
me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If
there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
*$@#&&&&&&&& Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband
will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy!