To Everyone Invited to My Wedding

I just saw this on a friends Myspace and thought it was pretty funny!

To Everyone Invited To My Wedding,

I apologize for expecting you guys to mail back the RSVP card included in your invitation - I mean, with all of the benefits of modern technology, what was I thinking? My bad for spending hundreds of dollars on an 'acceptable' wedding invitation, and even further my bad for spending the extra money on stamps for the return envelopes! Many of you probably looked at them in confusion - it's been a while since you've seen those, huh? If I had been smarter about it, I would have just posted a Myspace bulletin or sent an E-Vite, just like I always get for people's BYOB barbecues! Sorry for wasting your time with opening the envelope!

I can't believe what a bridezilla I've turned out to be! I have been so consumed with myself and my upcoming nuptuals that I didn't even begin to THINK of how busy everyone is! I mean honestly, who has time to deal with regular mail anymore? Just licking the envelope takes 3 seconds. And especially for those of you work work in the office all day and can't get to a post office - it would be SO unprofessional to expect your mail person to pick up a piece of your personal mail when he or she is collecting the company mail. How would you ever find time to get it done by the RSVP date? I mean, honestly, do they even HAVE mailboxes anymore?

And, I have to say, you all have taught me a HUGE lesson on organization. Here I am, putting together Excel spreadsheets to keep track of who's coming, what they're eating, and where they're sitting, when you guys totally knew a better way. Text messaging! It's so much easier to stay on top of everything when you text me with 'Beef.' This way, I know which meal you're having AND you create a much easier system of deciding where everyone is sitting. Table 1: Drunken 3 am People. Table 2: Can't spell for sh*t People. Table 3: Can't even bother to pick up the phone and ask me what the side dishes are People. And so on!

I had no idea that you were ALL such close friends that I should have ASSSUMED you would be RSVPing AND remember that you don't eat beef or poultry. I should have made the font larger when I left my phone number in case of a request for a vegetarian dish - I just can't get anything right, can I??

Anyway, it's no biggie if I'm not really sure on the attendance. Since it's costing me about $105 per person, when you factor in the meals, chair covers, centerpieces, favors, liquor, and so forth, it's super easy to just pay MORE than enough, just to be safe. Sure, it will be nice to get refunded anything I pay over, but who wants to deal with all of that? These vendors and their contracts are so lame anyway. I mean, how can I be expected to know the exact amount of people attending, 5 days before the wedding? Pesky details, I tell you!

And to top off everything that you've been asked to do - the fact that 'tradition' expects you to give the new couple a gift just blows my mind. I mean, honestly, being on hand for the happiest day of my life is gift enough. We've been perfectly fine eating frozen dinners heated up in our hand-me-down microwave. What would we even do with a toaster, coffee maker, or pots and pans? We're much happier spending money, time and energy on a party for everyone ELSE than worrying about paying our electric bill or eating good food!!!

So once again, I apologize for all that I have asked of you. I can't wait to see all of you at the wedding to personally thank you for all of your hard work. Thanks to you guys, planning this whole shananagan has been a breeze! If not for you, Xanax, and merlot, I may have really gone off the deep end. I can't believe that I actually thought running off to Reno was the way to go! I'm SOOOO glad I let everyone talk me into a real wedding. You all wanted to celebrate it so badly, and now we are!