TUESDAY HA-HA'S
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When your cat pees on the floor and you go to clean it up, try to remember where the pee is and don't step in it. Twice. Or a third time. #LFMF
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While running errands with your girlfriend's dad, do not suddenly remember (and speak out loud about) to pick up your girlfriend's, his daughter's, birth control pills. #LFMF
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Don't teach your child to scream bloody murder if a random person grabs her arm and drags her out the store. When she wants the new Barbie doll and you grab her arm and tell her it's time to leave without the doll, she will scream bloody murder, and there will be cops. #LFMF
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Do not sneeze while getting an enema. The wall behind you will look like a jackson pollack painting. #LFMF
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(703):
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling' you didn't have to sell us out phil!' to the cab driver.
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Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, 'what were you reaching for?' FML
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Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML
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Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML
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Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML
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Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help 'loosen me up' so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go f*ck myself. FML
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