Brides Helping Brides ™ - Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

superkat Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:06 PM

Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

Yesterday we spent the holiday with Jimmy's family. We live in Texas so we are in New York until after New Years. I expected a lot of wedding questions from the family and I was really excited to talk to them about it. My fiance is Chinese so there are a lot of superstitions we have to be aware of and I wanted to check with his aunts to make sure we are ok. They are younger and more 'modern' than his mom, who is old school.

So I was talking to his aunt and she basically told me she didn't like anything I was doing. She didn't like red for the bridesmaids, she didn't like the tall centerpieces, or the candelabra. She didn't like the BM dresses and told me I needed to give the BM's 'more options'. One of her nieces is a BM.

So fast forward to dinner and I am talking to my BM. I told her I would like to get together someday while I am in town. She responded very non-committal and blew me off. I talked to her later on and it was the same thing. SO BUSY, so stressed, etc.

I am upset because I am only in town for a while and I won't be back up here very much before the wedding. I wanted to go dress shopping with her but she wasn't interested. She also doesn't like the BM dress but won't tell me to my face. I asked her if she liked it and she said it was 'cute'. I am getting annoyed because SO much about this wedding is turning into what everyone else wants.

I was basically told I need to change into a Chinese wedding dress during the reception. I don't want to wear one! I have spent years dreaming of MY wedding dress and I want to wear it for as long as I can, not change into another generic dress.

Please help ladies, I couldn't sleep this morning because I was so upset over this stupid drama.

SummerBride06 Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:13 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

if they don't like the color or the dress because it beaks a chinese taboo or superstition, then you might want to change it.

but if they just don't like it, too bad!

in order to honor his heritage, maybe you could change into a traditional chinese wedding dress for an hour at the party..or during your cocktail hour. and then change back.

don't let them run your day, but it would be nice to honor some of their traditions if they or your FH feel strongly about it

superkat Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:15 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

I chose red for my dresses because it is the lucky Chinese color. Otherwise, I would have gone with a warm purple color. I am trying to honor the traditions by compromising on flowers, on colors, the dress etc. I was upset when his aunt told me we would 'look like clowns' if the BM's were all wearing red. I have seen pics of wedding parties with red and I think it looks beautiful. Am I mistaken?

SummerBride06 Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:16 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

i'm using red (wine) and think it looks beautiful! if they don't like the red idea, go with your original purple idea.

what color DO they want you to have? it seems like there's no pleasing them.

superkat Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:26 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

She was recommending pastel colors. Pink etc. She got married a couple of years ago and everything was light pink and lavender. Those are pretty colors but they don't really suit me. I just want to marry my sweetie and not worry about all of this family drama. Thanks for listening to me whine a little.

xcalystax Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:33 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

OMG, I think I would flip out and tell them I am wearing lingerie to the reception so bite me.. but that's just me.

In regards to the BM dresses if they don't like red AND you wanted purple then go for the purple! It could be a blessing in disguise. REMEMBER this is your wedding. You only get to do this once so do it your way! I understand your feeling about not wanting to change into a different gown, I wouldn't want to either (wedding gowns are expensive so I want to wear it nonstop!). I would do what the poster above says and wear it for an hour and then change.

BKtoLI Posted: Dec 26, 2005 12:33 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

If there's one thing a lot of us has learned form wedding planning, it's that sooner or later someone will have an opinion that will upset you and make you think twice. Don't!!!

This is your and your FH's wedding, and it should be done the way you 2 want it, with respect to both families. However, do not cave in at their every whim. You only get one chance to do this, and you do not want to go looking back on your day wishing you had red dresses and didn't. His aunt had her wedding already. Yours does not have to be the same as hers.

I gave in on one thing from my FH's family, and that was it. I made it clear to them and to my family when my brother said our wedding will be unconventional, that this is our wedding and no one else's. Everyone else had their chance to do their wedding their way, so now it is your turn to yours your way.

I would make sure FH is okay with your choices, because ultimately, his opinion is the only one other than your own that matters here.

EmberLynn Posted: Dec 26, 2005 01:16 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

You know what, you can't please everyone! Its your day, if they won't work with you, then don't work with them.

CTarantino Posted: Dec 26, 2005 01:21 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

Posted by EmberLynn

You know what, you can't please everyone! Its your day, if they won't work with you, then don't work with them.

Well said! I think red looks beaituful too. Don't worry and if they are not willing to work with you while you are here don't look for them for help and advice again. Sorry but that was mean to hurt your feelings. I hate people with such negativity.
Good luck and I think your wedding sounds beautiful!

BRod-Cheng Posted: Dec 26, 2005 01:55 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

I've noticed that everyone always wants to put in their two cents. They usually start by asking a question like 'what kind of BM dresses are you having?' Then if they don't like your answer, they give thier opinion and suggestions.

So, now whenever someone asks me something I always say 'I haven't decided yet' no matter what the topic. I don't care if they think that my FH and I am procrastinating with the wedding planning.

It has worked for me so far, maybe it will help you too.

superkat Posted: Dec 26, 2005 02:15 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think 'we haven't decided yet' sounds like a great answer. I think I am trying too hard to care about everyone else's opinion. Thanks again ladies!

October Bliss Posted: Dec 26, 2005 04:20 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

In the beginning, I cared about everyone's opinion. Then I realized if I kept it up, the wedding would not be our dream come true, it would be a mishmash of everyone else's dream, and be something I hated. I have gone completely in the opposite direction now, almost to the point where I am blowing off FH's opinion (not something I recommend doing). His is now the only opinion I bend to AT ALL. When all is said and done, he and I will have the wedding of our dreams. We are each responsible for our own happiness - anyone who doesn't have a good time at our wedding will have only themself to blame!

EmberLynn Posted: Dec 26, 2005 04:30 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

Does your FH have sisters? Because those are the weddings they should be planning. Wear your dress as much as you want. I understand you want to respect their culture, but they must respect yours as well. Offering to have red and other chinese aspect added to your wedding is very kind. You don't have to do that. This is your wedding and you should have it your way.Although its nice that you agreed to do that and it reflexs your husbands culture but when it comes to your dress its YOUR DRESS. Wear it all day if you want! However if your husband wants to wear the traditional chinese garb for his part of the cremony and the recption, I think you should let him and not fight it. Because this is his wedding too and you have to allow him to show his culture as well as you should be allowed to show yours.

Mayflower Posted: Dec 26, 2005 08:16 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - LONG

i'm chinese and culturally, nobody wears red to a wedding except for the bride, so i can understand why she would comment on that. (it's sort of like how in american weddings, women don't usually wear white dresses.)

i really love mjy wedding gown too, but to make my grandmothers happy, i am changing into a chinese wedding qipao with the dragon and phoenix embroidery for the receiving line at the end of the evening. (most chinese weddings have the bride changing into 3-6 different dresses). on the other hand, when my cousins got married, 2 of them didn't bother changing into the traditional dress, so it's really up to you.

if you want to incorporate some of your fh's traditions into it, i would pick and choose the ones that don't go against what you want. if you want red for the bm dresses, then you should do that. it's YOUR wedding and you and your fh's opinions are all that matter.

Feel free to fm me if you have any questions on the chinese traditions. Good luck!

superkat Posted: Dec 27, 2005 03:29 PM

Re: Ugggh. Family problems - UPDATED

Partial update: I spoke to my BM yesterday. We had a nice talk but basically she backed out of the wedding party. I was a little disappointed because I really do like her but I am glad she told me now instead of later. She had been avoiding me before we talked but once we talked she was more open with me, like she usually is. I feel better that this part of the drama is over, I just need to find a new BM now.