ugh I need to vent

Fh just informed me this evening that if we don't have a house by the wedding, that we will live at the current house he is in with his parents. Not that I care, but I was really hoping to start our lives together OFFICIALLY on our own, not caring for his parents. I mean it sounds freaking harsh, but he has two older brothers who both have been married forever that could AFFORD to take care of them. Not to mention, we would have to share everything with his parents, kitchen, fridge, etc. I'm kinda brothered by this! Can someone give me some advice I spoke to my dad and he said this was a very bad bad idea. So I dunno what to do?!

Well FH and I bought a 2-family house with my mom, but it's a little different. Everything's separate. All we share is the basement, yard, and driveway.

Is there a reason you and FH wouldn't be able to find a place by next year?

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Posted by Sandradv121

Fh just informed me this evening that if we don't have a house by the wedding, that we will live at the current house he is in with his parents. Not that I care, but I was really hoping to start our lives together OFFICIALLY on our own, not caring for his parents. I mean it sounds freaking harsh, but he has two older brothers who both have been married forever that could AFFORD to take care of them. Not to mention, we would have to share everything with his parents, kitchen, fridge, etc. I'm kinda brothered by this! Can someone give me some advice I spoke to my dad and he said this was a very bad bad idea. So I dunno what to do?!

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My advice? Don't do it. Do not live with his parents and do not live with your parents unless there's a separate space for you that they don't intrude in, EVER. (Like, Laura's set up). My mom is begging us to make a legal mother daughter from her house... over my dead body. (and I love my mom). You want to start a new life in a place you can call 'ours' not a place you think of as 'his'.

A lot of my friends who lived with in-laws first HATED it, and it was a determent to their marriage. Think 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on crack.

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Posted by FallBride2010

Have you told him that this upsets you? I totally understand why it would. You wouldnt have any privacy etc? Do they own the house?

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Its a sticky situation, but he currently 'helps' them. I've told him, but he has a strong personality.... I was going to have my dad have a 'man' talk with him... but I'd hate to do that being that I would only use that as the very last resort...

The worst part is, HIS PARENTS LOVE THE IDEA OF US STAYING HERE!! My dad said he did this in the beginning of his marriage, and he said it def. put a strain on his relationship with my mom... something I don't really need to experience right now....

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Posted by JoanneAndJustin

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Posted by Sandradv121

Fh just informed me this evening that if we don't have a house by the wedding, that we will live at the current house he is in with his parents. Not that I care, but I was really hoping to start our lives together OFFICIALLY on our own, not caring for his parents. I mean it sounds freaking harsh, but he has two older brothers who both have been married forever that could AFFORD to take care of them. Not to mention, we would have to share everything with his parents, kitchen, fridge, etc. I'm kinda brothered by this! Can someone give me some advice I spoke to my dad and he said this was a very bad bad idea. So I dunno what to do?!

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My advice? Don't do it. Do not live with his parents and do not live with your parents unless there's a separate space for you that they don't intrude in, EVER. (Like, Laura's set up). My mom is begging us to make a legal mother daughter from her house... over my dead body. (and I love my mom). You want to start a new life in a place you can call 'ours' not a place you think of as 'his'.

A lot of my friends who lived with in-laws first HATED it, and it was a determent to their marriage. Think 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on crack.

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Oh god. We are in lynbrook too. I can see it now.... Oh i am going to cry....

How do I tell him this without coming off as insensitive?

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Posted by JoanneAndJustin
Think 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on crack.

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This is what would've happened if we had done it with my dad or his parents. But my mom isn't intrusive AT ALL. She even calls me on the phone when she wants to talk instead of coming up

But again, almost everything is completely separate. I would definitely try talking him into a starter. If you have to share everything with his parents, that's going to get real annoying, real soon.

Just a side note - where in Lynbrook? That's where FH is from

Oh girl!!
Good luck, be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. I hope this works out for you both.

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Posted by Jna2010

i feel that newlyweds who live with the parents in the beginning feel strain on their relationship.... theres just no privacy (or very little) and family issues def are heightened... i would suggest you try renting a studio orsomething for a year or so if that at all possible

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ITA Not only does it put a strain on your relationship, but also a strain on your FH's relationship with his parents. That is what happened with my brother.

I agree.. you have to be honest with him and say something!!! If you don't you'll just regret it later and when you are acting 'upset' b/c your stuck with his parents and he doesn't realize why, it will only hurt the relationship. Is there any chance at all of finding some type of home to move into before the wedding? Any reasoning with him to get something small?
You can try selling a small house on the idea of 'What are we going to do with all that space right away?' and It'll be more expensive for utilities and stuff to start out with. Also I've heard that if you get a small house 1st it's better to make money on when you sell it to 'upgrade' to a larger one. Not sure exactly how that works but look into 1st time home buyers facts and see what 'selling points' you can come up with to get a small affordable home before you're married.

hope everything works out

Another thing to take into consideration is filing your taxes. If you do your taxes as a married couple, you might find yourself in a higher tax bracket. My accountant highly suggested that we buy something when we get married. That way we can get a refund.

She also mentioned that if you pay student loans, once you get married you can't get tax credits on the interest. So I told FH, when we get married we better find a condo or small house to buy.

Fh and I just moved out of his parents house about 5 months ago... it was killling me. But it was great for the first 6 months or so, we were there for about 13 months. If its short term you will be fine, if its gonna be a long term thing,
id say find something now so you can avoid it...

goodluck!

Let it cool off.... then talk to him.

I am an only child, my dad passed away 12 years ago (this week, actually), my mom has been BEGGING us to make a legal two family or mother / daughter out of her house.

This is what I said:

'Mom, I love you. I always want to love you. I will NOT love you if I know you can stop by whenever you want and ridding us of our privacy. I will not love that you'll be barging in just to 'tell me something real quick' or nag me to remember to put out the garbage. and you know what you won't love.... you won't love the sound of us through the wall.'

She got the hint!

That sounds like a complicated situation. I can understand how you would be upset, I would too. The best thing is to talk to your FH now, so that the two of you are on the same page. Stuff like this can't be held within too long. GL.