Uncooperative BM

I chose one of my cousins as a bridesmaid, thougnh I know her personality can be a handful. I figured we were close.........so why not. I wasn't sure if she would have enough money so I said, 'I would love for you to be in my bridal party, but I don't want to make you poor either..........lol. If it's going to be to expensive, I would understand if you declined ( I didn't want to make her feel obligated to do it either). So she says yes and I end up helping her pay for part of her dress. No big deal, I did not care.

So I send out voicemails and an email to the girls to let them know I thought of dying the shoes to match the dress. I asked them to call me if they thought this would be a problem. If I didn't hear from them, I was presuming that all was good. I also said they could pick any style shoe they wanted and recommended a bunch of places to go dye the shoe and then take it back for free to have the shoes dyed to black after the wedding if they chose to.

After trying to call my cousin many times (she doesn't drive) to see what day I could take her to go get shoes. She never returns any of my phonecalls. I have also learned from people that she has done nothing to help the bridal party with anything (i'm not getting involved w/ that because my MOH can handle her). So, she's online this morning and I ask her about the shoes. She goes, 'I already got a pair of silvery blue ones that don't need to be dyed and match the dress perfectly'. All I asked was how does she know if they match perfect when her dress is stored at my house and she has no swatch to match it. So she gets off of AIM and avoids all my phone calls.

I feel like paying her back the money for the dress and asking someone else to be in my wedding party at this point, because she won't even talk about a pair of )&*$& shoes

Am I wrong to feel this way? I really haven't cared up until this point what the girls did, except for the fact that I was very accommodating when I made my request and she does her own thing anyway. She's avoiding me, so I can't even find out if it was a misunderstanding by talking to her. Mind you I'm 25 and she's a few years older than me. I feel like I'm in HS again.

Sorry so long.........vent over!

Update!
Still no change. I thought of asking her not to be in the bridal party because SHE STILL IS AVOIDING ME! I would pay her the money for the dress, but then if I were to ask someone else it would be weird. I'm so frustrated because its not even like she is giving me the time of day to speak to her............what can I do?

Sorry. Yea, that would certainly be annoying. Maybe she figured bc you were so laid back at the start and willing to help that she would take the extra mile and assume she can pick out whatever shoes she wanted, etc. Shes fam, so JMO, I would reapproach her very nicely and just ask if she can stop by w/ her shoes so you guys can look at them w/ the dress. If she refuses to come to you, I might even go to her and check it out myself. If they look fine, that would work out great. If they look horrible, Id tell her, and Id give her the dyeable info once again and leave it at that. Let her know she needs to get it done.

GL!

I would freak out...I have an uncooperative BM and trust that I may actually fight her soon
I think if you feel really stronly about her stepping out then maybe give her the option of explaining herself. I always take in to account the fact that people do have their own lives and their own things going on. SO maybe give her a call and when you do talk to her ask her whats been going on that you are 'worried' about her since everyone has said they havent heard from her...she may feel bad and start acting like she is supposed to

WHY OH WHY do people think it's ok to stress out the BRIDE??? I'm so sorry you're going through this! All I can say is follow your heart. I wonder if she is going through something, but if you've reached out to her numerous times and you're not getting any type of response, then how much more can you do!?!???

be aware that if you kick her out there may be familial discord. ask your mom or dad or whoever's side she's from before you make that decision. last thing you want is to cause problems between your parents.

it stinks but HTH

She probably doesn't have the money to buy a pair of shoes and get them dyed, and probably doesn't see the reason of spending money she doesn't have when she has shoes that she thinks will be fine. And she's avoiding you because she's embarassed and hopes it will blow over without having a big argument about it, or having to ask you to buy the shoes as well as helping her with the cost of the dress.

What you have to do is think long and hard about whether you want to ruin your relationship with your cousin, probably forever, over a pair of shoes. You asked her knowing that she might have some issues, but you did it anyway. Also, this may very well cause a lot of problems in the family when others like aunts, uncles, and other cousins--maybe even your parents--find out that you fired your cousin as bridesmaid over a pair of shoes. Yes, it's not really over the shoes, but that's what they'll think. If you want to avoid all that, why don't you send her a message or leave her a voicemail saying that you really want all the shoes to match exactly, you understand that her shoes are close, but since you're being a 'crazy bride' (insert laugh here) and you want them to be exact, YOU will pay for the shoes, you just need to know when you two can go and buy the shoes. And say you don't want to ruin your relationship over a pair of shoes. Believe me, weddings bring out the worst in family members, I'm living through this right now over something equally as stupid that totally got blown out of proportion, and now is threatening to mess up my wedding day. I had nothing to do with it, even, so there's nothing I can do to fix it. But you have a chance to stop it now. Trust me, you don't want all this family strife over a $50 pair of shoes. Buy her the shoes, and if she is otherwise uncooperative, laugh it off, because you knew she'd be like that but you asked her anyway.

Good luck.

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Posted by Leslie143

i had the same problem with my cousin! it wasnt over a pair of shoes but she was hard to get ahold of and she never even came for a fitting but kept saying she would make it down to try dresses on. she lives about an hour away from me..an she does drive. well, i havent spoke to her in about a month now and i didnt tell her she was out of the wedding, i just asked someone else that i was close to. its not my responsiblility to make sure she comes and does what she is supposed to do. being in someones wedding should be an honor and she acted as though i had to wait on her when the timing was right and conveinent (sp) for her. so i would def pick someone else to be in it, you cant rely on people like that, especially if their hard to get ahold of ya know. ask someone else it wont be odd trust me.

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I agree totally. If she is doing this over shoes and she is not helping the BP, she does not deserve the title!

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Posted by Aug07OFCbride

Sorry. Yea, that would certainly be annoying. Maybe she figured bc you were so laid back at the start and willing to help that she would take the extra mile and assume she can pick out whatever shoes she wanted, etc. Shes fam, so JMO, I would reapproach her very nicely and just ask if she can stop by w/ her shoes so you guys can look at them w/ the dress. If she refuses to come to you, I might even go to her and check it out myself. If they look fine, that would work out great. If they look horrible, Id tell her, and Id give her the dyeable info once again and leave it at that. Let her know she needs to get it done.

GL!

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I tried talking to her nicely online about coming to see them and her solution was to sign off AIM. She hasn't talked to me since thurs night! I called once each night to let her know is important she gets back to me. I needed to tell her about some up coming events because she hasn't even had the courtesy to contact my MOH. Not even ONE phonecall returned

I'm soo frustrated

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Posted by PegaLega

I would freak out...I have an uncooperative BM and trust that I may actually fight her soon
I think if you feel really stronly about her stepping out then maybe give her the option of explaining herself. I always take in to account the fact that people do have their own lives and their own things going on. SO maybe give her a call and when you do talk to her ask her whats been going on that you are 'worried' about her since everyone has said they havent heard from her...she may feel bad and start acting like she is supposed to

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I've called her once fri, sat, and sun. She never returned any emails or phone calls. How can I let someone know how I feel if they won't make an atempt to call meee........grrr so frustrating! Is she gonna ignore me on the alter or during the reception.

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Posted by Pencils

She probably doesn't have the money to buy a pair of shoes and get them dyed, and probably doesn't see the reason of spending money she doesn't have when she has shoes that she thinks will be fine. And she's avoiding you because she's embarassed and hopes it will blow over without having a big argument about it, or having to ask you to buy the shoes as well as helping her with the cost of the dress.

What you have to do is think long and hard about whether you want to ruin your relationship with your cousin, probably forever, over a pair of shoes. You asked her knowing that she might have some issues, but you did it anyway. Also, this may very well cause a lot of problems in the family when others like aunts, uncles, and other cousins--maybe even your parents--find out that you fired your cousin as bridesmaid over a pair of shoes. Yes, it's not really over the shoes, but that's what they'll think. If you want to avoid all that, why don't you send her a message or leave her a voicemail saying that you really want all the shoes to match exactly, you understand that her shoes are close, but since you're being a 'crazy bride' (insert laugh here) and you want them to be exact, YOU will pay for the shoes, you just need to know when you two can go and buy the shoes. And say you don't want to ruin your relationship over a pair of shoes. Believe me, weddings bring out the worst in family members, I'm living through this right now over something equally as stupid that totally got blown out of proportion, and now is threatening to mess up my wedding day. I had nothing to do with it, even, so there's nothing I can do to fix it. But you have a chance to stop it now. Trust me, you don't want all this family strife over a $50 pair of shoes. Buy her the shoes, and if she is otherwise uncooperative, laugh it off, because you knew she'd be like that but you asked her anyway.

Good luck.

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I don't even care about the shoes anymore. Its just the fact that she's ignoring me over something so stupid. All I did was ask her how she matched the color? After that question, she signed offline and will not talk to me. I didn't even mention to her that I hated the idea of those shoes with the dress. So I think she is being childish by not giving me a chance to explain myself and is ignoring me. I was just puzzled and didn't realize she had bought shoes that were not dyed (duh) which is why I asked her. Getting offended by that question really confused me, because I did not ask in a nasty way.

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Posted by AlliCatB

be aware that if you kick her out there may be familial discord. ask your mom or dad or whoever's side she's from before you make that decision. last thing you want is to cause problems between your parents.

it stinks but HTH

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Did that. Mom's response was to do what I want and then yeah it could make things weird. Her side of the family has suddenly decided that family doesn't really matter anymore outside of their own immediate group.

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Posted by Pencils

She probably doesn't have the money to buy a pair of shoes and get them dyed, and probably doesn't see the reason of spending money she doesn't have when she has shoes that she thinks will be fine. And she's avoiding you because she's embarassed and hopes it will blow over without having a big argument about it, or having to ask you to buy the shoes as well as helping her with the cost of the dress.

What you have to do is think long and hard about whether you want to ruin your relationship with your cousin, probably forever, over a pair of shoes. You asked her knowing that she might have some issues, but you did it anyway. Also, this may very well cause a lot of problems in the family when others like aunts, uncles, and other cousins--maybe even your parents--find out that you fired your cousin as bridesmaid over a pair of shoes. Yes, it's not really over the shoes, but that's what they'll think. If you want to avoid all that, why don't you send her a message or leave her a voicemail saying that you really want all the shoes to match exactly, you understand that her shoes are close, but since you're being a 'crazy bride' (insert laugh here) and you want them to be exact, YOU will pay for the shoes, you just need to know when you two can go and buy the shoes. And say you don't want to ruin your relationship over a pair of shoes. Believe me, weddings bring out the worst in family members, I'm living through this right now over something equally as stupid that totally got blown out of proportion, and now is threatening to mess up my wedding day. I had nothing to do with it, even, so there's nothing I can do to fix it. But you have a chance to stop it now. Trust me, you don't want all this family strife over a $50 pair of shoes. Buy her the shoes, and if she is otherwise uncooperative, laugh it off, because you knew she'd be like that but you asked her anyway.

Good luck.

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Shoes or money is not an issue at all to me. And its not even about that. Its about the fact that she has to avoid me instead of trying to speak to me. I have called her, emailed, and left messages to get in touch about upcoming events w/ my bridal party and dropped the whole shoe thing. She still will not call back. My MOH is going to try, so if she doesn't hear from her, that just tells me what my cousin really thinks of me and will decide from there I guess.