Update FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

FI asked me to ask'the girls online'!
FSIL called me & said she was 'hurt' by what I said (it was FI who said it) when we told her we are not having kids at the wedding. I am having a FG & RB-my cousin's children who I am close with-& they will be introduced at the reception & will leave with my cousin's in-laws. FSIL is hurt because her son's children (3 & 6) will not be invited & she is afraid that then her son & DIL will not come.
FI's sister is a woman in her 50's who I asked to be in the BP (because she told FMIL that she would be upset if she wasn't asked). She said to not invite her son's children is a disgrace & she has to fight for them. She also said there is no way we can have a day wedding without inviting kids.
Frankly, FI doesn't like his nephew & honestly would not care if he did not show up, & he is now yelling at me for even asking FSIL to be a BM. She kept saying - they are my grandchildren - they are NOT COUSINS!
Are we way off here? We don't want kids - we are especially afraid of turning the affair into a playground! FI wants to know - does 'ettiquette' dictate that we must invite his nephew's children?
My mom is having a party tonight for FSIL's whole family & mine - this may just ruin it!! Please help!
Thanks!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

OH MY G-D, I could write for hours on this subject. I would be furious. She has so nerve- YOU should definitely NOT invite her grandchildren (edited to correct). To me, it is black and white. Her grandchildren:

1- are too young to appreciate a wedding and what is taking place. they would be unhappy sitting at your wedding at ages three and six... They would rather be at a friends house playing with dolls and stuff. To hold a six year old inside when they are not in the wedding party on a beautiful weekend day is abusive. Not very nice to the kids.

2- Extremely disrespectful to you! I went to a wedding once, was sitting in the back and onloy heard children crying and carrying on the whole time. It is not the kids fault- they don't know whatis taking place. Also, my gf said that it overshadowed her whole video. You can't even hear the vows. The priest actually stopped the wedding until they quieted down.

The children do NOT belong at your wedding if you choose not to have them there, nor do they really want to be.... She has a lot of nerve!!! If you have to invite them, she better pay for the sitter. The nerve of some people!!!!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I don't think the etiquette dictates 'grandchildren' at a wedding. In fact, I think FSIL is pushing it too much. And tell you FSIL that FIY, many brides probably have day weddings with no kids. There is not a whole lot of reason for them to be there, especially if they are such distant relatives to your FH.

If you stand by your decision, and she is still furious, maybe you shouldn't have her in the bridal party, especially if you didn't want her there to begin with.

Sorry, your message actually made me furious with your FSIL

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I can only go by what I am doing which is not having any kids at all. I think if your cousin's kids weren't going she may not have a problem with it. The problem is, once you have 1 kid coming, you have everyone else wanting to bring their kids. But, it is also YOUR wedding and you can do whatever you like. You may just want to let her bring the kids to make peace, but just remember it is your wedding and the choice is yours. If you have the kids coming, maybe just let them come to the reception and not the ceremony. Good luck!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

First of all, who says you can't have a day wedding w/o inviting kids? My wedding will not have kids there (except for FH brothers and sisters - but not his nieces and nephews). No kids! Thats it! FMIL's grandchildren will NOT be there.
A wedding is not a place for such small children anyway, JMO.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

It is YOUR day, and if you don't want kids there, you certainly don't need to invite her Grandchildren, you did enough by putting her in the BP, and it seems you just did that as a favor. Nip it in the Bud right now, tell her they are not invited and that is it
Good Luck

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

Hmmm.... FH & I did not want to invite children either, however, I am VERY close with 4 particular children (they are brothers & sisters). He knows this and he knew I would NOT want to get married without them there. So... we compramised (sp?). They will be in the wedding party. And no other children will be invited.

Your FSIL needs to understand that if you invited her grandchildren you will have problems with other guests and their children. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that you are having a FG & RB and that's it.

However, if those are the only two other children, is it really a huge deal if they are there?? You will be so caught up in everything else, you probably won't even notice they're there. This is touchy because you don't want to start problems among his family. JMO.

I hope I helped a little. Good luck with this!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

Boy oh boy oh boy welcome to my family drama of the last week. I was so upset with my cousin that I actually burst into tears on the phone with my mother. My cousin basically told me that not having children (read: her two cuties that she was counting on being my flower girls even though I never even implied that's what I wanted) at our wedding somehow 'diminishes' the entire wedding. I was so flaming pi$$ed that I fired off a snotty email to her saying that me and FH's commitment to each other is in no way 'diminished' because her freakin' kids weren't invited to the reception. So then I call my Mom who lives with our grandma (our moms are sisters) and my grandma goes bananas, says she isn't coming to my wedding if I don't invite 'those babies' (they're 5 and 9).
Bottom line: Stick to your guns and make your wedding and everything attendant to it YOURS. Don't be pressured to do anything you want to do. My family may hate me but you know what - f***'em. They ain't paying for it...I am. Nuff said.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I also am not having children except my FG & MY RB. I personally don't like children at my wedding, I feel it's not a place for children.
It's YOUR day & you should be able to choose what you want.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

Like I've said many times before....I am not having children at my wedding.... I too feel that it is not a place for children and your FSIl has a really big set on her to even say anything.. how dare she?? tell her to go to hell!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I also know I will get some snyde comments or dirty looks....I am only having my daughter and neice as my flower girls and they will be the only children at my reception. I agree with all the other ladies that weddings are not a place for children. It takes away from the parents of those children to enjoy a night out.

I have plenty of activities for my daughter and niece to keep them occupied for the night.

Stick to your decision. It's your day!!! Good Luck sweetie.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I would contact your FSIL's son and his wife directly and explain to them that you are not having children at the wedding, not even your FG and RB will be attending the reception. Explain that your wedding will be an elegant adult affair. End of story. If they decide not to come because of this, oh well, their loss!
The reason why I say to contact them directly is because you never know if FSIL is causing more of the problem because of her own issues. It could be that her son and his wife will understand. Either way, it is best that these people hear your reasons directly from you without your FSIL being a filter on your words.
Most weddings I have been to have NOT included kids and that is the way I feel a wedding should be! Stand strong.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

Thank you all so much for your honest responses. You have all helped so much more than you realize!!! I showed FH the responses - he said he loves you girls!

I have to call her soon - I got off the phone with her by telling her I'd call her back today. I am still not sure what I am going to say, but I will read this thread through as I am dialing.

Thank you ALL for your input and support I can't tell you how much it means to both of us!

Thanks!

Mary

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I love Marcella's response
I can't stand it when I hear people telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing for YOUR wedding. Family members can really be a pain in he a$$!! It is their loss if they don't want to come to the wedding or not.

For my dad's surprise 50th b-day party, we invited his nieces and nephews who are older. Four of them have children. We wrote no children on a slip of paper for everyone, including family friends. They were so insulted my father's little nieces and nephews weren't allowed there, they haven't spoken to us in over 2 YEARS!! HELLO its an old man's 50th birthday party!! He is not 12 or 5 he is 50! The last thing my mom and I wanted were kids running around and my father said the same thing. People don't get it they really don't.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I have a very simple answer for this one - it's your and FI's day, if you don't want children there - then NO CHILDREN!!!! Some people have such nerve, it's unbelievable!!!! IMO - a wedding is no place for a 3 and 6 year old. What the heck are they supposed to do?? We also set a strict NO KIDS rule, and so far, so good!!

Best of Luck!!!!!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

April2603 - Keep us posted on this saga. I agree with everyone. I'm having a day wedding with no children. I don't think it's fair for the children to be on their best behavior for 6 hours on a July afternoon. We don't have a playground at our reception site so there isn't anything for them to do. It is your wedding and therefore, you decide whether you want children there or not. Good luck!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I am also having a day wedding and only having 2 children (my 2 flower girls) My stepmother tried to get me to invite my stepbrothers 2 children, mind you these are 2 kids that don't even know who I am. I never see them. NOT!!!!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

I am also having a adult reception! I put adult reception on my reception cards! I would do this so their is NO misunderstanding!!! It is your wedding do what you want! Stand your ground and good luck!

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

Oh, a subject so close to my heart! We made this very clear (politly and kindly) from the start: no children at our wedding! Everyone got it and made a note of it! Surely, not everyone was happy with that statement but that's how it is! As it said in an earlier post: children don't belong at the wedding if you don't invite them! Period. End of story. You and your Fi are absolutely within your right to make the event what you want it to be and if adults are throwing little tantrums over their kids not being there, then it's their problem, not yours.

Re: FIL Help needed desperately PLEASE - LONG!

Glad to help, sweetie! What happened?