UPDATE - NEED MORE HELP!! This wedding is tearing up my relationship with My Mom...

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by flairforfashion

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my Mom. She is not really a huge part of the planning BUT we do get along and are pretty close.

You really need to sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be a part of this.

As for your cousin, she is into her own wedding- unfortunately this happens. Bride getting married at the same time as another Bride is going to be very wrapped up in their own planning. I do agree that it's sh*tty that she missed your bachelorette party. I would just not go to hers and F it.

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i dont think i explained it right since my mind is in a million different directions - my mom missed my bach party - she has just made my cousins wedding her priority.. and now its day 2 of us not speaking....

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OMG, I am so sorry- I misread. I am so sorry she did that to you. I honestly think you really should tell her how hurt you are. Other than that, I really don't know what to say. :::HUGS:::

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Posted by flairforfashion

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by flairforfashion

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my Mom. She is not really a huge part of the planning BUT we do get along and are pretty close.

You really need to sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be a part of this.

As for your cousin, she is into her own wedding- unfortunately this happens. Bride getting married at the same time as another Bride is going to be very wrapped up in their own planning. I do agree that it's sh*tty that she missed your bachelorette party. I would just not go to hers and F it.

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i dont think i explained it right since my mind is in a million different directions - my mom missed my bach party - she has just made my cousins wedding her priority.. and now its day 2 of us not speaking....

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OMG, I am so sorry- I misread. I am so sorry she did that to you. I honestly think you really should tell her how hurt you are. Other than that, I really don't know what to say. :::HUGS:::

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Thanks.. I wrote her a very long email about my feelings and it was disregarded.. that was two days ago.. not so much as an email telling me to eff myself ... NOTHING.. I think that hurts more.. but I cant disregard my feelings ...

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by flairforfashion

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by flairforfashion

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my Mom. She is not really a huge part of the planning BUT we do get along and are pretty close.

You really need to sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be a part of this.

As for your cousin, she is into her own wedding- unfortunately this happens. Bride getting married at the same time as another Bride is going to be very wrapped up in their own planning. I do agree that it's sh*tty that she missed your bachelorette party. I would just not go to hers and F it.

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i dont think i explained it right since my mind is in a million different directions - my mom missed my bach party - she has just made my cousins wedding her priority.. and now its day 2 of us not speaking....

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OMG, I am so sorry- I misread. I am so sorry she did that to you. I honestly think you really should tell her how hurt you are. Other than that, I really don't know what to say. :::HUGS:::

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Thanks.. I wrote her a very long email about my feelings and it was disregarded.. that was two days ago.. not so much as an email telling me to eff myself ... NOTHING.. I think that hurts more.. but I cant disregard my feelings ...

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it breaks my heart that she wouldn't even respond and as hard as it might be, you have to rise above it. this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, and it is being consumed by the immaturity of your mother. FH and i were going through some issues with his dad, and have decided not to invite him. its so hard but we didn't want him or his wife to ruin our day. you want people around you that WANT to be there and want to share in your joy. i think you should let her be a part in the small ways she is and try and focus on the good things, that you are getting married. its so hard to have an issue with a parent. good luck!

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Posted by pandafish519

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by flairforfashion

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by flairforfashion

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my Mom. She is not really a huge part of the planning BUT we do get along and are pretty close.

You really need to sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be a part of this.

As for your cousin, she is into her own wedding- unfortunately this happens. Bride getting married at the same time as another Bride is going to be very wrapped up in their own planning. I do agree that it's sh*tty that she missed your bachelorette party. I would just not go to hers and F it.

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i dont think i explained it right since my mind is in a million different directions - my mom missed my bach party - she has just made my cousins wedding her priority.. and now its day 2 of us not speaking....

---

OMG, I am so sorry- I misread. I am so sorry she did that to you. I honestly think you really should tell her how hurt you are. Other than that, I really don't know what to say. :::HUGS:::

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Thanks.. I wrote her a very long email about my feelings and it was disregarded.. that was two days ago.. not so much as an email telling me to eff myself ... NOTHING.. I think that hurts more.. but I cant disregard my feelings ...

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it breaks my heart that she wouldn't even respond and as hard as it might be, you have to rise above it. this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, and it is being consumed by the immaturity of your mother. FH and i were going through some issues with his dad, and have decided not to invite him. its so hard but we didn't want him or his wife to ruin our day. you want people around you that WANT to be there and want to share in your joy. i think you should let her be a part in the small ways she is and try and focus on the good things, that you are getting married. its so hard to have an issue with a parent. good luck!

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thanks so much.. FH is astonished that an email hasnt been written back since she is very outspoken - i think i will just leave things be, I am sure she will call in the next few weeks for something...

Please take this advice with a grain of salt. I have many problems with my mother, and am just done giving her the satisfaction. From what I've read here, we could have the same mom. I don't know if you recall, but my mom cares so little about my wedding, that she has made the entire thing a complete and painful disaster, and has decided to wear pants, because she 'just wants to be comfortable.' I know that sounds like a minor thing, but this is from a woman who has steadfastly refused to allow anyone to wear anything remotely jean-like to our house on Christmas Eve, so appearances are EVERYTHING to her, and this is a major slap in the face. So know going into reading this that I am bitter, and am probably projecting. But I have some experience with people like this.

Don't bother talking to her. That's what she wants- you are again falling into the trap of making it all about HER.

Just stop calling her and asking her opinion completely. I know you are hurt- clearly she has hurt you before. It seems you have articulated your feelings to her previously, and she hasn't cared enough to listen.

This woman will continue to hurt you, because you allow it, and who could blame you , because you are her daughter. I fall into the trap as well. I keep thinking this woman will wake up, and realize I am her daughter and she loves me and will show me warmth, but that's just not who she is, and it will never happen. I know it's so easy to say- I STILL go to her for her approval. I have yet to get it, and it's a major blow every time. I think she finally gets it a little- I have involved her in NOTHING in this process, after I asked her for her guest list early on, and she laughed in my face and said I was being ridiculous for 'getting into it so soon'. It didn't matter that I needed to find our RH and you need at least an IDEA of how many people you will have. I was so hurt, that that was it right there. She has been frozen out since. That's not to say she hasn't inserted herself in the process- I've posted MANY times about the 'kids-at-the-wedding-battle-royale' - and she seems to delight at every opportunity to throw it in my face that these kids will be there.

I think there are just some moms who are not ever going to be what we want. I don't know if it's jealousy, competition, dislike, or resentment, but whatever it is, it has taken a toll on my life, and I'm trying to cut it off.

For this woman to laugh in your face is behavior I wouldn't exhibit to a stranger. I think you may need to realize that she is self-obsessed, and just doesn't have the room for your feelings. And if that's the way she is, you may just have to proceed accordingly. Don't try to 'talk' to her - haven't you tried that before? You're just giving her another opportunity to make you feel bad.

Take away her opportunities. She has made it clear she has no respect for your feelings. It's time to discount hers.

Please remember, this is the advice of the bitter and angry, and it is probably in your best interest to NOT follow it. However, I recognized similar relationship patterns as I have, and thought maybe some experience might benefit you. I hope your situation turns out better than mine. Unfortunately, that's not entirely up to you, and it doesn't seem your mother is willing to recognize how she is hurting you. It actually seems that she takes pleasure in it.

Example- my family was going through a tragic period years ago. My mom, chronic victim, kept talking about how they were going to have to sell the house, even though my Dad said that that would not happen. This talk upset me so much that my stomach would hurt for days, and I couldn't deal with it. I told my mom how much it upset me when she would talk about it, so I asked her not to mention it around me, until such time as it looked like it would actually happen.

After I said that, she took EVERY opportunity she could to mention it. EVERY time she saw me. The only logical conclusion was that she liked to upset me. My friend came up with a very interesting theory- that she wanted to upset me so she could feel necessary and make me feel better. However, her theory was disproven by the fact that she never ONCE tried to make me feel better.

It's a harsh reality of life that parents are flawed individuals, some more than others. I'm so sorry you're not getting the love, support, and warmth from this woman that you yearn for and deserve. I'm even more sorry to say that sometimes, it never comes. But please don't allow yourself to be a victim again.

From now until the wedding, no more calls, no visits, no questions. When she calls for her friend tallys, don't pick up. Or tell her you're busy and can't talk. Cut her out. If she cares, she'll notice. If not, she won't. Don't be mean, just indifferent.

Please feel free to tell me this is the worst advice in the world. But after dealing with a carbon copy of this, and after exhausting myself trying to 'fix' it over the years, I have given up. People with different moms can't understand, because it seems so incomprehensible. But I'm so sorry for all of this, and I hope you can get yourself to a place where you are able to deal with her as she is. And that place may be, you don't deal with her at all.

Please think long and hard before taking this advice. It's not a good feeling to cut yourself off from your mom, but sometimes, it's necessary for your own mental well-being.

Best of luck, and I hope everything is resolved, and you can have the relationship with your mother that you want. I truly hope it all works out.

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Posted by littlepixie12

Has your mom emailed you now? I dont even know what to say? Can you try to talk to your step dad about this to get his insight on it?

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nothing yet - i called my younger brother on his cell phone earlier since he is coming to visit me later today at work and he was very short like one word answers - I can only assume she was hovering over him while he was on the phone with me.....

Wow! That's terrible! I'm so sorry that you are going through this I would definitely make a time with her to sit down face to face and let her know how hurt you are by everything and let her know how much you need her right now. I can't even imagine being a situation like that. I'm so sorry!!!!

I think that you need to leave the ball in her court. Just plan your wedding because you already explain things to her and that is all you can do.

Good Luck

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by littlepixie12

Has your mom emailed you now? I dont even know what to say? Can you try to talk to your step dad about this to get his insight on it?

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nothing yet - i called my younger brother on his cell phone earlier since he is coming to visit me later today at work and he was very short like one word answers - I can only assume she was hovering over him while he was on the phone with me.....

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the more i read and think about it, it is so not worth it. i agree with suzanner, don't give her the satisfaction of letting her get to you. don't let anyone take away from the joy that should be a part of this time. if she doesn't want to be a part of it, that is her loss. surround yourself with the people that DO care about it.

I agree with everything Suzaner said.
Trust me...

FM ed you too!

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Posted by Suzanner

Please take this advice with a grain of salt. I have many problems with my mother, and am just done giving her the satisfaction. From what I've read here, we could have the same mom. I don't know if you recall, but my mom cares so little about my wedding, that she has made the entire thing a complete and painful disaster, and has decided to wear pants, because she 'just wants to be comfortable.' I know that sounds like a minor thing, but this is from a woman who has steadfastly refused to allow anyone to wear anything remotely jean-like to our house on Christmas Eve, so appearances are EVERYTHING to her, and this is a major slap in the face. So know going into reading this that I am bitter, and am probably projecting. But I have some experience with people like this.

Don't bother talking to her. That's what she wants- you are again falling into the trap of making it all about HER.

Just stop calling her and asking her opinion completely. I know you are hurt- clearly she has hurt you before. It seems you have articulated your feelings to her previously, and she hasn't cared enough to listen.

This woman will continue to hurt you, because you allow it, and who could blame you , because you are her daughter. I fall into the trap as well. I keep thinking this woman will wake up, and realize I am her daughter and she loves me and will show me warmth, but that's just not who she is, and it will never happen. I know it's so easy to say- I STILL go to her for her approval. I have yet to get it, and it's a major blow every time. I think she finally gets it a little- I have involved her in NOTHING in this process, after I asked her for her guest list early on, and she laughed in my face and said I was being ridiculous for 'getting into it so soon'. It didn't matter that I needed to find our RH and you need at least an IDEA of how many people you will have. I was so hurt, that that was it right there. She has been frozen out since. That's not to say she hasn't inserted herself in the process- I've posted MANY times about the 'kids-at-the-wedding-battle-royale' - and she seems to delight at every opportunity to throw it in my face that these kids will be there.

I think there are just some moms who are not ever going to be what we want. I don't know if it's jealousy, competition, dislike, or resentment, but whatever it is, it has taken a toll on my life, and I'm trying to cut it off.

For this woman to laugh in your face is behavior I wouldn't exhibit to a stranger. I think you may need to realize that she is self-obsessed, and just doesn't have the room for your feelings. And if that's the way she is, you may just have to proceed accordingly. Don't try to 'talk' to her - haven't you tried that before? You're just giving her another opportunity to make you feel bad.

Take away her opportunities. She has made it clear she has no respect for your feelings. It's time to discount hers.

Please remember, this is the advice of the bitter and angry, and it is probably in your best interest to NOT follow it. However, I recognized similar relationship patterns as I have, and thought maybe some experience might benefit you. I hope your situation turns out better than mine. Unfortunately, that's not entirely up to you, and it doesn't seem your mother is willing to recognize how she is hurting you. It actually seems that she takes pleasure in it.

Example- my family was going through a tragic period years ago. My mom, chronic victim, kept talking about how they were going to have to sell the house, even though my Dad said that that would not happen. This talk upset me so much that my stomach would hurt for days, and I couldn't deal with it. I told my mom how much it upset me when she would talk about it, so I asked her not to mention it around me, until such time as it looked like it would actually happen.

After I said that, she took EVERY opportunity she could to mention it. EVERY time she saw me. The only logical conclusion was that she liked to upset me. My friend came up with a very interesting theory- that she wanted to upset me so she could feel necessary and make me feel better. However, her theory was disproven by the fact that she never ONCE tried to make me feel better.

It's a harsh reality of life that parents are flawed individuals, some more than others. I'm so sorry you're not getting the love, support, and warmth from this woman that you yearn for and deserve. I'm even more sorry to say that sometimes, it never comes. But please don't allow yourself to be a victim again.

From now until the wedding, no more calls, no visits, no questions. When she calls for her friend tallys, don't pick up. Or tell her you're busy and can't talk. Cut her out. If she cares, she'll notice. If not, she won't. Don't be mean, just indifferent.

Please feel free to tell me this is the worst advice in the world. But after dealing with a carbon copy of this, and after exhausting myself trying to 'fix' it over the years, I have given up. People with different moms can't understand, because it seems so incomprehensible. But I'm so sorry for all of this, and I hope you can get yourself to a place where you are able to deal with her as she is. And that place may be, you don't deal with her at all.

Please think long and hard before taking this advice. It's not a good feeling to cut yourself off from your mom, but sometimes, it's necessary for your own mental well-being.

Best of luck, and I hope everything is resolved, and you can have the relationship with your mother that you want. I truly hope it all works out.

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I have to say that I agree with what Suzanner said about your situation and the advice that is being given...she's talking from experience. Think about what she is saying.

I don't really have advice, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I think you're right your mom is starstuck. If you said what you had to say in the email, I guess leave it alone and see what happens. Please don't let it ruin your beautiful day and all the happy feelings. Be stong!

I'm so sorry. You have every right to be upset, I can't imagine cutting a mom out of your life, but I don't think you should rely on her for support anymore. Sometimes friends are more like family.