UPDATE - NEED MORE HELP!! This wedding is tearing up my relationship with My Mom...

UPDATE: Since posting this - I had spoken with a FH and a few of my girlfriends about the situation and everyone seems to come up with the same answer, that my feelings are justified and to just leave it alone until after the wedding, since it could potentially make things worse. Well they could not have been more right. Here is the back story - in addition to everything that I had posted earlier - my cousin is getting married a month after me and FH - her father is mucho $$$$ - shes getting married at Oheka castle and is going to have billy joel there on the guest list (whooptie do.) - and ever since my cousin got engaged she has been obsessed with her wedding - I had to move our weekend to atlantic city around my cousin's bridal shower since its at a reception hall and will have a DJ and Matire D (again who cares?!) and she refused to go with us that weekend because 'how could she miss it?!?'- so I have felt like second best.

I kept my cool and on Wednesday I called her to make sure she was going to be coming away with us for the weekend to atlantic city. she bailed out on me after I called HER to confirm, meanwhile I already paid for the rooms and the limo for us to all go - she didn't really have a reason as to why she didnt want to go, she just 'didn't' - that kind of peeved me but I let it go and filed it under 'its just not that important to her' - I got home from work on that same day and I called to let her know who of her RSVPs have come in - well my step dad tells me she is out with my cousin looking for a WEDDING DRESS!! Well I kept my cool with him and called her on her cell phone, and I felt like a switch change inside of me and I just lost it! She hung up on me and didnt want to discuss it any further. I wrote her a long email explaining my feelings and how hurt I have been and how can she disregard everything for me but drop everything for my cousin (who isnt even blood related or that she is close to - I think she is star struck or something) - well that was on Wednesday everything happened.. Only a few weeks to go until the wedding and not so much as an email to tell me to eff myself - NOTHING... I don't know if I should persue it or just leave the ball in her court......... Thanks again if you made it this far......

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I am a frequent poster, but as too many people lurk on me, this is something that i would rather be anonymous with - well - Since planning our wedding, My Mom has become 'Mom-zilla' for lack of a better word, I booked my hair trial for when she could come with me, and she planned a spur of the moment vacation and cancelled on me, I went for my first make up trial, same scenerio, just was 'too busy' to make it. Mind you, my mother does NOT work.. - I had a hair trial set up for her for next week, well she is on 'vacation' again and made me cancel it - I had my first dress fitting a few weeks ago - she 'went on vacation' and was unable to be there with me. What tore me up inside was that I went with her for her first fitting for her MOB dress, I went in for my bridal gown, and the woman who runs the salon, says 'do you want to wait a little while until your mom gets here'... I had to explain that she wasnt going to be making it. She calls EVERYDAY to see 'who of her friends have RSVP'd' - well thanks - I have alot going on as well - thanks for asking how the planning is coming along, how my first fitting was - as I was there all alone on one of the days that I really wanted her to be there with me. There is never any concern given to how I am holding up, what I need to get done, is there anything that she can help with.

I know this is more of a vent - but this has pushed my relationship with my mother to a place that is ugly, and it tears me up inside to think that this is how she has always been. Looking back on all other situations, I was really blind to this. My FH and I were talking about it last night, and he said to me - pretty much that this is how she has 'always been' - why he never gets excited to go to my mom's house because they never come by us - never recipricate (SP?) - it is not a two way street - definitely 1 way only... its very ME ME ME when it comes to her.. Its just sad that it had to be the happiest event in my life thus far to pull me and my mother so far apart. FH was telling me last night he is so fearful that she will embarass us - she tends to be very loud, things weird things are oh so funny and can be very obnoxious - she just has a very 'distasteful' sense of humor. I want to in the worst way tell her exactly how I am feeling, but I am afraid that it will just make things worse.

Sorry that this was so long - thanks for making it this far if you did....

I think you have to sit down with your mom (if you can get here there) and have a heart to heart. Just let her know that you wish she were more involved in your wedding because you value her opinions.

I have a very similar situation to yours but it is involving my mom, and my three sisters. I am always the outcast of the family and the wedding has made things worse. Even my FMIL is angry at how my family is being. The sick part is my family twists it and tells me I'm the one who is always wrong. I won't post the most recent story but to make a long story short, I had surgery 2 weeks ago and yesterday when my FMIL dropped me at my mom's house to spend the week (I spent last week with FMIL), my sisters refused to help me. I can't really carry things so they watched my FMIL carry everything for me. So rude. Then my mom has the nerve to write me this e-mail:
I do not need an account of she said I said she did I did
Again ALL of US need lessons in PATIENCE, MUTUAL RESPECT and BOUNDARIES
WE ALL need to reflect on how we may not have honored basic rules of respect and boundaries yesterday and before
That's all I have to say
If you do not agree ,fine I am not going to push my opinions or views. That is how I personally feel
Reflecting on how we can personally change to make things better is better than feeling like we were victimized, in my personal view
So yeah, my family is being awful and they always act this way. Fh is nervous about them at the wedding too. I understand totally how you feel!

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Posted by KPetekie

I have a very similar situation to yours but it is involving my mom, and my three sisters. I am always the outcast of the family and the wedding has made things worse. Even my FMIL is angry at how my family is being. The sick part is my family twists it and tells me I'm the one who is always wrong. I won't post the most recent story but to make a long story short, I had surgery 2 weeks ago and yesterday when my FMIL dropped me at my mom's house to spend the week (I spent last week with FMIL), my sisters refused to help me. I can't really carry things so they watched my FMIL carry everything for me. So rude. Then my mom has the nerve to write me this e-mail:
I do not need an account of she said I said she did I did
Again ALL of US need lessons in PATIENCE, MUTUAL RESPECT and BOUNDARIES
WE ALL need to reflect on how we may not have honored basic rules of respect and boundaries yesterday and before
That's all I have to say
If you do not agree ,fine I am not going to push my opinions or views. That is how I personally feel
Reflecting on how we can personally change to make things better is better than feeling like we were victimized, in my personal view
So yeah, my family is being awful and they always act this way. Fh is nervous about them at the wedding too. I understand totally how you feel!

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yea - its ugly by us - i had sent her photos via email of my hair/make up trial and she had the audacity to tell me i should have had numbers under my face because they looked like a mug shot.. she did this 'icky pig scrunchy' type of nose at my dress when I fell in love with it, its just not 'her style' - everything is about her dress, her hair, her make up, HER HER HER.. there is no concern that I am her ONLY daughter getting married, she is living vicariously through me.. should have just gotten her dress in white.. would have made it all easier...

The best advice I can offer you is to do what you need to do for you. It s ucks because you probably felt the way I did when you got engaged- that planning the wedding with your mom would bring you closer together, when in fact its doing the opposite BUT it is YOUR wedding and you need to enjoy it as much as possible. It is sad that your mom is acting that way and it totally blows but maybe you should just stop trying to include her so much. Thats what I am doing. I only include my mom in the things I don't really care about so that she doesn't say I'm excluding her and meanwhile, her opinions won't upset me as much then. I completely understand how you feel. Handling it this way is the only thing that is working for me.
I also have to do things like tell my sisters that the photographer is not there to take pictures of them and their boyfriends before hand. They are so unhelpful and rude and selfish.

The one thing I can is Im very sorry. I cant imagine what you must be feeling or how hard it is to go through the happiest time in your life and have your mother act like that. Im truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.

What I can advise is 1. DEF try to have a heart to heart with her, BUT if this is the way shes ALWAYS been and your just realizing it now, shes NOT going to change =/ BUT its still worth it to make sure she is aware of how you feel.
2. DONT LET IT BE ALL ABOUT HER! DONT HELP her with her hair or her makeup or her dress. DONT be the victim and DONT be an enabler to her behavior. And say VERY BLUNTLY this is MY DAY and YOU are not going to take it from me! PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for all of your words- I advised my mother prior to her cancelling her 3rd hair trial (yes cancelled her 3rd scheduled trial) that that was the last straw - good luck - because I am NOT taking away from my hair woman's schedule any more - just bring a picture of what you want the day of, and thats it - It is all about me and FH and its disheartening that it needed to be like this ... It has brought me and my step mother MUCH closer, I wish she lived closer, I took pictures from my first fitting and sent them to my mother and my step mother, same response from my mother 'oh its.....nice'.. my step mother called me crying to tell me how beautiful i looked and was so happy that my big day is coming up - it was all of the things that MY mom should have been saying. At this point, we have only a few more weeks to the wedding - I have a feeling that it may only get worse before it gets better... The one thing that I will have to talk to her about because it is a concern of FH's as well is that she we fear she will embarass us with being loud and such, if she takes it the wrong way, oh well, but with our bosses and such being at the wedding, I don't want them to say anything that may embarass us on the 'work end' of everything...

At least you have your step mom. I am glad I have FMIL for wedding stuff. She's like a second mom to me because I've dated Fh since I was 16 and after college, I lived in her house because I couldn't get along with my mom (surprise!).
Focus on the positives and ignore the other stuff. No use getting upset.
Let the RH and the Maitre'd know your concerns about your mother, and they will be able to watch out and step in to defuse any situation if they need to.

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Posted by KPetekie

At least you have your step mom. I am glad I have FMIL for wedding stuff. She's like a second mom to me because I've dated Fh since I was 16 and after college, I lived in her house because I couldn't get along with my mom (surprise!).
Focus on the positives and ignore the other stuff. No use getting upset.
Let the RH and the Maitre'd know your concerns about your mother, and they will be able to watch out and step in to defuse any situation if they need to.

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Thanks for everything..

I am so sorry you are going through this it sounds like you have a wonderful and very understanding FH I hope things improve with your mom

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this I can really relate to you. I have a very tough situation with my mom as well, and it sounds A LOT like what you are going through. You're so lucky to have an FH who cares and understands you. He is completely right, if she has always been like this, she will probably always be like this. It absolutely heartbreaking, but you know what? This is about you and FH. Forget about your mom, and try to channel that pain into excitement, anticipation, strength to proceed for the next couple of months til you marry the man you love!!! Don't let your mom take this time from you! My mom is also really loud, obnoxious, etc. Selfish, manipulative, negative...She makes the 'I just smelled something bad' nose scrunch to me about 6 times a week about things she doesn't like, and EVERYTHING is tacky to her. But as the wedding gets closer, I've been trying to pay less attention to her and she's actually been getting better I have to say. And she's a craaaazy biatch, seriously!! So maybe your mom will start to come correct as it gets closer and closer to your big day. Focus on your FH, planning, job, etc. and try to let her handle her own shiz (dress, mu, hair etc.). Let her figure out her own hair, she's obviously just pushing your buttons and LOVING it, so don't give her that satisfaction!!! Also you are starting a brand new chapter in your life really soon, and if you feel like your mom is a negative influence still after the wedding, you can spend less time with her, and more time with your new husband starting your own family

im so sorry u r going through this

i think u need to talk 2 her...tell her exactly how u r feelinga nd let her know how much she is hurting u..maybe she dont even realize she is doing this to u.maybe she does but give her a chance to explain herself..now in saying that if u talk 2 her and she doesnt seem to care then i say keep plannig without her..i know its hard and u want her there but if she keeps going *** when u need her dont invite her to come..u need people around u that will be there to support u...hth feel better and please keep us posted

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Posted by KPetekie

I disagree with the trying to talk to her. In my own experience with my mom, that makes things worse. Talking to someone about how you feel only works if they are reasonable in the first place.

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so u think its better for her mom not to know how she is feeling?

I think that you need to thinkt he situation out I agree with Kpetekie... rationalization only works with rational people! I understand how much you would like her to be a part of your day but it sounds like it is really disheartnening what is supposed to be the happiest day of YOUR life. I know this may be harsh but you might want to think about not answering any wedding questions from her and distancing your wedding plans with your mom. Obviously easier said then done. Soes she know it's really making you upset what she is doing?

I hope everything works out for you
's

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Posted by tinadansr

I think that you need to thinkt he situation out I agree with Kpetekie... rationalization only works with rational people! I understand how much you would like her to be a part of your day but it sounds like it is really disheartnening what is supposed to be the happiest day of YOUR life. I know this may be harsh but you might want to think about not answering any wedding questions from her and distancing your wedding plans with your mom. Obviously easier said then done. Soes she know it's really making you upset what she is doing?

I hope everything works out for you
's

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I told her while she was on vacation that I wished she was here, and we had it out about her cancelling her last hair trial, I pretty much told her 'this is the third time i am rescheduling this for you - hope you like the way your hair comes out the day of the wedding, because im not wasting her time anymore, i will NOT schedule you another trial'. She laughs, which twists me up, into such a knot, it is like I would rather her just yell at me than laugh it off as not being a big deal. I told her I wished she was there with me for my fitting and she said that my MOH is probably very happy that she is spending that time with me and she would have been there 'this was just very important that they went on vacation'. I guess up until this vacation I was very dependent on what she thought and what she said to me. After going through this and having such a heart to heart last night with FH and him validating everything that I was feeling - it just hit me like a ton of bricks...

But I dont think there is anything left to say. How many times can you try and explain to someone that they are so important in this process to you and they blow you off and laugh at your feelings? Its going to be what its going to be....

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Posted by QuestioningB2B

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Posted by tinadansr

I think that you need to thinkt he situation out I agree with Kpetekie... rationalization only works with rational people! I understand how much you would like her to be a part of your day but it sounds like it is really disheartnening what is supposed to be the happiest day of YOUR life. I know this may be harsh but you might want to think about not answering any wedding questions from her and distancing your wedding plans with your mom. Obviously easier said then done. Soes she know it's really making you upset what she is doing?

I hope everything works out for you
's

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I told her while she was on vacation that I wished she was here, and we had it out about her cancelling her last hair trial, I pretty much told her 'this is the third time i am rescheduling this for you - hope you like the way your hair comes out the day of the wedding, because im not wasting her time anymore, i will NOT schedule you another trial'. She laughs, which twists me up, into such a knot, it is like I would rather her just yell at me than laugh it off as not being a big deal. I told her I wished she was there with me for my fitting and she said that my MOH is probably very happy that she is spending that time with me and she would have been there 'this was just very important that they went on vacation'. I guess up until this vacation I was very dependent on what she thought and what she said to me. After going through this and having such a heart to heart last night with FH and him validating everything that I was feeling - it just hit me like a ton of bricks...

But I dont think there is anything left to say. How many times can you try and explain to someone that they are so important in this process to you and they blow you off and laugh at your feelings? Its going to be what its going to be....

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Thats my point. Exactly what happens with my mom. When I try to explain things to her and my sisters they twist it and make it me being a brat and makes the stress of it so much worse. Just do things YOUR way. It would be awesome if you and I could both be having that perfect wedding, but its better that our moms/family are the non-supportive ones rather than fhs!

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my Mom. She is not really a huge part of the planning BUT we do get along and are pretty close.

You really need to sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be a part of this.

As for your cousin, she is into her own wedding- unfortunately this happens. Bride getting married at the same time as another Bride is going to be very wrapped up in their own planning. I do agree that it's sh*tty that she missed your bachelorette party. I would just not go to hers and F it.

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Posted by flairforfashion

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my Mom. She is not really a huge part of the planning BUT we do get along and are pretty close.

You really need to sit down with her and tell her that you want her to be a part of this.

As for your cousin, she is into her own wedding- unfortunately this happens. Bride getting married at the same time as another Bride is going to be very wrapped up in their own planning. I do agree that it's sh*tty that she missed your bachelorette party. I would just not go to hers and F it.

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i dont think i explained it right since my mind is in a million different directions - my mom missed my bach party - she has just made my cousins wedding her priority.. and now its day 2 of us not speaking....