UPDATE' this is no joke'

Original post by catsgirl

Dec 07, 2007 08:40 AM

i posted my friends husband left her for his mom !! well here a mo. ago he went out w/ friends, and he called and said he was staying w/ so and so cause he was to drunk to drive, well here he stayed w/ another man he met at the bar, now he sez he is confused and cant stop thinking about him, what the F*CK, DOES THIS MEAN HE IS COMING OUT THE CLOSET? i told her to just end it, to me that is sick, i'm just as confused as she is. i feel so bad for her she is such a wreck, and it is causing all kind of controversy and she is hearing so much different advice from family she is at wits end, and her parents and family said he is never welcome again, i dont know what to do for her, this whole time i just listened and offered lots of hugs, now i feel bad for telling her to let go, i feel this was the wrong advice, i am speechless and dont know what to do for her, any suggestions would help. thanks for listening.

GinaBambina08 Posted: Dec 07, 2007 11:10 AM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

Whoooooaaaaaa....

FinallyEngaged Posted: Dec 07, 2007 11:21 AM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

I am speechless... ur poor friend.

You are doing everything right. Just be there for her, be the shoulder for her to cry on, help her with the baby and even just sitting there next to her is probably a lot more help than you realize!

LeeLee111 Posted: Dec 07, 2007 12:33 PM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

OMG I didnt think that story could get any worse. I'm so sorry shes going through this

SugaBeans Posted: Dec 07, 2007 12:40 PM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

WOW thats crazy!!!

msflesch Posted: Dec 07, 2007 01:26 PM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

That is horrible. And he is just disgusting .... if he has these feelings for this guy then that means he knew he might be gay before he fathered a child and married your friend. He is selfish and a coward and used your friend to try to 'fit in' society...he should have figured this out BEFORE he committed to your friend. He is a seflish Pig, I don't feel sorry for him at all.

You are doing all you can, she is lucky to have you.

anneandchris Posted: Dec 07, 2007 01:39 PM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

Posted by bluegreen08

If this is true, I feel horrible for both parties (instead of hating the guy). He must have felt really trapped if he got married and even went so far as to have a baby. He was probably planning on that being his life, until he got drunk and his smothered feelings came out.

I wouldn't try to push for them to get back together, although if she could ever forgive him down the road and wants to, he could still be a part of the child's life.

Just be there for your friend and validate her feelings. This has got to be so tough and embarrassing for her. I'm sure she's thinking 'how did i date him all these years and not know he was gay?' 'did he really love me or was i just a cover act?' etc. it's normal to think that. she shouldnt smother her feelings.... thats what he did and look what happened.

it's just an awful situation and i feel so bad for your friend. hopefully she has a great support network of family and friends (which it sounds like) and people can step in to help with the baby too.

so i guess in sum the things you can do are:

1. be there for her as a listener
2. validate her feelings
3. help out with the baby
4. try to keep people from talking about her behind her back if you think you can
5. support her in her decision of what kind of relationship if any she chooses to have with her soon to be x
6. suggest counseling, and offer to go with her

I agree with this and wanted to add -- it might be best if she leaves her family out of it for a little while. Of course you want support from your family but sometimes they are just as much emotionally involved and it can cause unecessary problems (like them saying he is never welcome -- he is the father of their grandchild).

Its not the ideal way to find out that you are gay or finally come out about it but it doesn't make him a horrible person. It is so raw right now that it is hard to see any peace with it --but it could bethere.

As for you feeling bad about telling her to run -- I think any good friend would have said that with the information available at the time. Now just continue to be there for her and maybe be her safe unjudgemental person. Those people are the best in a situation that involves SO MANY people!

FutureMrsRice Posted: Dec 07, 2007 02:02 PM

Re: UPDATE' this is no joke'

WOW. As I read your post I just started to cry because my BF in college ended up being gay after 3 years of dating. I thought we were going to get married. He was his fraternity president and a very guys guy. No signs ever that he could have been gay.

He had a very similar experience in that he went out with friends one night, got really drunk and then didn't come home because he went home with some guy. He came out to me when he got home the next morning. I was devastated. I had to take a term off of school and I was going to two different therapists because the overwhelming feeling I had was that somehow I wasn't enough or that I turned him gay.

I moved out that day and I've never seen him since. My biggest piece of advice is:

1. Help her get therapy - there's no way she won't need it.
2. Let her cry and be angry -- bottling it up helps no one
3. Make sure she gets space from her husband -- it's too hard to heal when the other person is around

FM me if you need anything!!