**UPDATED BELOW/REPOST FROM NEWLYWED BOARD/ADVISE NEEDED!

For a girlfriend of mine, I am going to cut and paste from her email and just name the guy X
she told me I could b/c I just got off the phone w/ her crying again!! and I told her I would send a link of this to her. It seems she thinks no one really can help her so I thought if she got genuine replies it might somehow aid her in her thinking....... and where she had her husbands name I took it out and just said 'my husband'


here is some background information: She has been married for a year and five months now, they do not have children yet and were planning on waiting for their second anniversary to save money.........
her DH often puts her down and makes her cry but is a good guy/honest guy in general. Right now she is having various issues w/ him concerning money, and when to TTC.
She has told me numerous times she loves her Dh but doesn't like many things he says/does....

ok..... here is what her problem is from part of her email.......


As you know I have known X since I am 16 and for the past seven or eight years he has been my best friend. You also know that while we never were 'together' in that sense we did kiss or fool around a few times and you know how much I used to like him. Lately, I have been having many doubts about staying married for many different reasons. What I find to be ironic and these can all be coincidences or I do not know if they are 'SIGNS' to help me in deciding whether to stay and try to work things out even thuogh I am not happy or to leave the house whether temporary or permanently. Lately X keeps popping up, for example the other day, my husband of all people says how come this didnt go to the dry cleaners yet? I thought you were going to take it in yesterday! Can you please take it in today, I DID Not feel like going to the dry cleaners but did anyway...... I pull up in front and there are two cars w/ three guys just standing in front of the dry cleaners talking, who is the one in the middle of them........ Yep, you guessed it X, on a day where I am on the verge of tears why him of all people show up in my path? Kind of weird dont you think? we just talked for a few minutes and thats when he told me him and you know who are no longer together and that - that part of his life is over and done with it and I should please call him because we are friends.............. do you find it strange that he was there? why at that moment? two weeks later I just called to check in and say hi and he laughed and said oh its so funny you called me b/c I just came from ( I TOOK NAME OF STORE OUT )( in case someone she knows reads boards).... so he says he just came from there! another weird coincidence as I worked there for an eternity, why did I call then and all these things are just weird and I wonder if they are happening for a reason............ such as how stabile is my marriage and do I really need to be on my own or wind up eventually w/ X, so, what do you make of this?

In a nutshell, she's looking for an out. Anything can seem like an 'out' when you are unhappy. So silly things like running into someone seem like 'signs'. Problems like money and when to have a baby, aren't reasons to consider being with another person. I don't think it's money or when to have a baby that is her problem in her marriage. She just seems genuinely unhappy with who she is married to.

I will preface this by saying...I do not believe in 'signs'.

I think this 'X' person showing up out of the blue, is just coincidence...and in no way relative to the issues at hand - her focusing on these coincidences is clouding the issues between herself and her husband.

Her husband seems to disrespect her and b/c of that I would NOT call him a decent or good guy. The #1 thing to me in a relationship is respect - respect of myself and respect from the person I'm choosing to be with.

I would suggest that your friend push 'X' out of her head and focus on herself and what is going on in her marriage. What she wants and expects from it - from herself and her husband...and go from there.

Has she brought her feelings to her husbands attention? Have they sought counseling?

Lara- I agree but if one is genuinely unhappy should they leave? I do find it a little weird she always sees this guy when she is upset but it could be coincidental or maybe not. I also know she would never be unfaithful, she would either stay and be miserable or leave for good.


CP- They had made arrangements to go for counseling then decided not to?

Hmmm...then that's another problem - not seeking counseling. One or both are either afraid of what counseling will surface or one or both aren't willing to make every effort to make their marriage work. Either way, it sounds as if one or both are detached from the other and there may be no going back at this point...IMO.

Personally, I give 110% of myself in a relationship - through the good and the bad. I would want to exhaust every avenue before I made a decision such as divorce. Some people just look for the easy way out - whether that's to stay while miserable or to walk without effort. Like I said, JMO.

I have to agree with the girls. It looks like right now your friend is looking for a reason out and also a 'safety blanket'. Alright I know my example is not even close to the seriousness of this issue, but I think it's relative. When I was in high school I dated this guy for close to a year. Somewhere around the 7 or 8th month I started to realize that he was a little disturbed and that he had no respect for me. But I just felt as if I couldn't break up with him. I knew he was treating me wrong and I knew I could do better than him, but yet I stayed with him. A couple of months later the guy that I had liked before him came straight out and said to me, why are you with a guy like him? He also then told me that he really likes me and that he wanted to date me. I broke up with my boyfriend a week later. This guy telling me how he felt made me feel secure in breaking up with my boyfriend. I knew a had a better option.

To me your friend has probably known for a while now that the marriage was not what she wanted or what she thought it was going to be. But she's too scared to end it. Now she sees someone who possibly has an interest in her and she starts realizing that she can find someone else and maybe she shouldn't stand for the way her husband talks to her.

I don't think she should end the marriage right away. She should talk to her husband about how she feels and ask him if he would be open to going to counseling. Even if he doesn't want to go, maybe your friend can go on her own to sort her own mind out. She needs to make this decision without even thinking about the other guy. She needs to decide and seek what's right for her.

She is looking for an out...and to be quite honest here....even though you said her husband is generally a nice/good guy....putting her down and making her cry reguklarly IS MENTAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE. I did it for 5 years of my college realtionship. Your friend is having doubts in her marriage and therefore needs therapy and to figure all this out. We cannot decide for her but we can help. I hope she finds the strength to get some help.

Hi Tammy. I think that your friend needs to be honest with herself about her love for her husband. If she does love him, but is at her wits end with being frustrated regarding their arguments about money and TTC, she should consider going to marriage counseling with him. I don't know the extent of how her husband is putting her down and making her cry. And without knowing more I wouldn't assume that he is verbally abusive. Especially because you seem to think that he is a good guy in general. I would think that you would have stronger words to describe him if you thought your friend was being verbally abused.

Money and babies - those are the stuff that arguments between a married couple are made of!! Especially money.

Also, I assume that your friend and her husband have good times as well. Does she think about x at those times, or only when she is frustrated with her husband.

I can relate to the dry cleaning thing. My DH (or I should say PIAH) is always conning me into taking his clothes to the dry cleaners and then when he goes - he has the nerve to NOT take mine

I hope that your friend and her husband can work things out, or that she has the strength to do what she needs to do to be happy. No more crying phone calls

It's obvious that she is having doubts about her marriage... Seeing X aren't necessarily signs that she should be with Mr. X but more that her doubts to her husband are strong and shouldn't be ignored. We all think the grass is greener on the other side. Most of the time you're just trading one set of problems for another.

Your friend and her DH have to want to work things out. If they can't work their problems out, than at least they tried. Marriage is not easy.

I'm sorry your friend is going through this. I wish her a lot of stregnth

WOW,we have some smart ladies here I do not know half of the answers to your and the newlywed board questions but will try to find out. I do know that her DH knows she is unhappy at times b/c she told me that she tells him. Ill try to find out the rest but I leave tomorrow for mexico and wont be back until the 21 but I will send her this link and the newlyweds one to keep checking what you say, she is not an LIW member so I do not know if she will log in or not
thanks again

well I called Kathy last night and she read both threads........ she said she is not looking for an out but did admit to me that she likes to talk to X as a friend but she does think of it working out w/him only in times of trouble and fights...... (I think Becky said that! she might be doing that)

She said that while she does get upset that they do need to communicate better and there is more good than bad in their marriage so she is willing to do whatever it takes whether go for counseling, etc.......

Her DH did not object to counseling either so I do not know if they are going to go or not but she was making more sense and did not cry yesterday the last time I spoke with her.
She did say she was intrigued by the what nobody tells the bride book someone mentioned b/c she reads a lot. Do you know who authored it? (SOMEONE, CANT REMEMBER WHO MENTIONED IT IN THE NEWLY THREAD)

Thanks again!

It is a great book - but WILL NOT replace a therapist.

Im kind of late on this one, but I can feel for this person.

My ex was the one for me, if you know what I mean. It just couldn't work for us. 4 years off and on and I finally got the picture. I love my FH and am very happy. But I can see the dilemma.

I think she just wants to be happy. Marriage is hard. Being so close to eachother and being forced to work things out makes it harder. I'm not going to say I don't believe in divorce, both our parents are divorced, but I don't like it as an out. If divorce were not possible she needs to learn how to work this out. The whole Mr. X factor is just fluff. It's an out as the others say. It's too easy. It's one of those 'what if.. ' sitituations.

I wish her all the best. I hope she has the strength to know that there are harder and bumper roads ahead, but if she truly loves her husband, then she's going to have to fight to keep this marriage working. Counseling is a big step in the right direction. Seems like communication here has started to fail.

Good luck!

I also am not one to believe in 'signs'

and I think your friend needs to separate these 2 situations...If she does decide not to go on with her marriage (AFTER COUNSELING...this is a must...divorce is VERY expensive) she must be prepared to be single....not seeing 'X' as someone who will be there for her...