Updated Employee Handbook Effective Immediately
Updated Employee Handbook Effective Immediately
>
> DRESS CODE:
>
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
>
>If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we
>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
>raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
>better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not
need a
>raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> SICK DAYS:
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you
>are
>able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>SURGERY:
>
>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need
>all
>your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
>intact.
>To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS:
>
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>VACATION DAYS:
>
>All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The
>vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
>
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
>friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done.
>
>ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
>
>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks
>notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
>
>
>RESTROOM USE:
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we
>will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance,
all
>employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees
>whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're
>unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the
>next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees
may
>swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must
approve
>this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time
>limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the
>toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture
will
>be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on
the
>company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK:
>
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that
>they
>can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes
>for
>lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and
take a
>diet pill.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
>positive
>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input
should
>be
>directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week.
>Management
>
> DRESS CODE:
>
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
>
>If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we
>assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
>raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
>better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not
need a
>raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> SICK DAYS:
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you
>are
>able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>SURGERY:
>
>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need
>all
>your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
>intact.
>To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS:
>
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>VACATION DAYS:
>
>All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The
>vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
>
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
>friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done.
>
>ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
>
>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks
>notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
>
>
>RESTROOM USE:
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we
>will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance,
all
>employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees
>whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're
>unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the
>next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees
may
>swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must
approve
>this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time
>limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the
>toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture
will
>be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on
the
>company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK:
>
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that
>they
>can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes
>for
>lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and
take a
>diet pill.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
>positive
>employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input
should
>be
>directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week.
>Management
