VENT!

OK so FH and I just had our first wedding fight. I just got off the phone with my mother who calmed me down for the last 30 minutes but I'm still SO annoyed.

So here's the thing: I want to tackle our guest list while we're away in a couple of weeks because I know it's going to cause me an insane amount of stress (this is the part I'm dreading most about the wedding planning process) so I figured I would do it while we're in Punta Cana and when it becomes too much for me I can just put it down and lay on the beach. FH hasn't been to many weddings in his life and he's certainly never planned one, whereas my sister got married two years ago so I'm not a complete virgin to the process. He just doesn't get it that sometimes you have to make sacrifices!

My mom is one of twelve kids. I have over 60 first cousins. Since we are paying for this 100% on our own I clearly had to make quite a few cuts on my list to make sure we don't exceed our minimum of 140. He on the other hand is making everything extremely difficult and insisting we invite every single one of his first cousins. Granted, it doesn't compete with my staggering number, but it's still a decent amount, and only a handful of which are over 21! I don't understand why we need to invite 16 year old cousins of his that I not only have never met, but I don't even know their names! I've been trying to explain to him that it doesn't make any sense to invite them and what we should be doing is inviting only essentials like aunts and uncles, friends, and coworkers, etc., and if we can't meet our minimum THEN we can extend the invite to the younger kids. He is convinced that his family will be angry with him if we exclude them (I'm sorry for how mean this sounds but: I don't care), and he just keeps saying 'They're family and they need to be there.' I'm cutting a LOT of family members from my side and I feel like I'm doing all the work to try and make this as manageable as possible.

Let me also mention the fact that he hasn't seen some of these cousins he can't live without at the wedding since we've been together for over THREE YEARS! Am I wrong to be annoyed? It's not like they live out of state, some of them literally live in the next town and I've never met them so it's not like he's even close with them. Why on God's green earth are they so essential to him??!

grrrr I HATE this guest list nonsense!!!!!

I'm at my wits end over here!

VENT!

You're not wrong to be annoyed. I have a similar situation but I'm on the other side of. Fmil keep mentioning that her niece didn't invite any of her first cousins and she didn't have any kids at her wedding. I have 23 first cousins, some of them are kids and I want them all there because I talk to all of my family. It puts the number up near 150 but like I said I talk to all of them. I do have 8 cousins of my dad's who all have a bunch of kids each who I don't talk to. None of them are invited.
I understand wanting your family there but you have to draw the line somewhere.

VENT!

I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

I have a ton of cousins too, (not over 60, but over 15 including husbands and wives, which is still a lot) but I am also very close to my cousins and see most of them on a weekly basis. I even lived with 2 of them for a year each. I couldn't possibly imagine getting married without them being there.

BUT, my mom and dad have a lot of cousins who I am not very close with, live out of state, or just plain do not take an interest in our family. My mom's list includes many of these cousins of theirs. My parents are paying for half the wedding, so I don't exactly have the right to ask them not to invite these cousins, but what I have done is make it clear that the budget they've given us may need to be added to if we exceed it.

Is FHs mother or father pushing him to invite these cousins? If so, is there any way they'd be able to commit to contributing a small amount to cover the plates of these people who they feel are important guests?

FH and I decided from the very beginning that we don't want children, except for our FG and possibly a RB. We don't have any family that is in the weird, 'in between a kid and an adult' age, but if we did, we'd probably want to put some sort of cap on the age, eg no one under 21. Besides the fact that you don't want children/teens there, I feel that a wedding, where there is alcohol served plentifully and, especially in my case, at least a few people who will get bombed, is not somewhere a 16 year old wants to be, nor do I want to deal with the issue of not allowing them to be served alcohol or being responsible if they do.

I'd say take a day to calm yourself, and write out two lists. One with ALL cousins (yours and his), and one with only the people you had planned to invite and none of his younger cousins. Include how much it would cost for the amount of people on both lists. Maybe if he sees the numbers, his plan will become more reasonable. Or, if not, then talk to him and find out why it is so important to have his cousins there. Maybe he is being pressured by family, but maybe he really doesn't feel like he could get married if his cousins weren't there. Maybe he used to be close with them but because of life cirucmstances became distant from them.

As mad as I know this is making you, try to just make your argument as to why you don't want to invite anyone under 21 years old clear and concise, and it will be very hard to argue with you.

Good luck!!!

Re: VENT!

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Posted by sgf2

I feel that a wedding, where there is alcohol served plentifully and, especially in my case, at least a few people who will get bombed, is not somewhere a 16 year old wants to be, nor do I want to deal with the issue of not allowing them to be served alcohol or being responsible if they do.

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You have a right to your opinion but I have to disagree. I was a bridesmaid in my uncles wedding when I was 16. Everyone else was trashed. My brother actually threw up in his plate right next to me. Still one of the best times I've ever had.
But anyway I still say if you don't want certain people there it's your right to put your foot down.

VENT!

I totally feel ya on this one. For our e-party, he had a crazy list of friends to invite. Some of them I never even met. It was so hard for me to say no, because I had the same amount, if not more in family.
The difference was, I see these people a few times a week, where he sees some of these people once every few months. I feel like if I were invited to some of THEIR engagement parties, I'd kind of wonder why they invited me.
We have a huge minimum that we have to meet, because we overestimated the amount of people we would be inviting, so I don't think this will be an issue at our wedding.
Maybe have him think about how often he really sees these people and put it into perspective.
This is a totally rational reason to be annoyed. But as mentioned above, maybe he really does want these people at the wedding. Is it possible for him to make cuts in other areas of his part of the list?

VENT!

Do you have an 'equal amount' of guests for the wedding? My invite list is 200, and my FH's is about 100...I feel like I can't tell him who he can or cannot invite since my family is so much bigger then his. If the invite list is mostly your family...maybe that's why he's pushing so hard for his first cousins.

VENT!

I think thats what we have to do. Just try and divide it evenly and see how many we each have and go from there.

I've had some time to calm down and think it over so I'm feeling a little better now. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of him not being able to get married without these younger cousins there that are half his age and who he hasn't made any attempt to see in almost half a decade. How important can they REALLY be, ya know? Ugh...

Re: VENT!

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Posted by sgf2

I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

I have a ton of cousins too, (not over 60, but over 15 including husbands and wives, which is still a lot) but I am also very close to my cousins and see most of them on a weekly basis. I even lived with 2 of them for a year each. I couldn't possibly imagine getting married without them being there.

BUT, my mom and dad have a lot of cousins who I am not very close with, live out of state, or just plain do not take an interest in our family. My mom's list includes many of these cousins of theirs. My parents are paying for half the wedding, so I don't exactly have the right to ask them not to invite these cousins, but what I have done is make it clear that the budget they've given us may need to be added to if we exceed it.

Is FHs mother or father pushing him to invite these cousins? If so, is there any way they'd be able to commit to contributing a small amount to cover the plates of these people who they feel are important guests?

FH and I decided from the very beginning that we don't want children, except for our FG and possibly a RB. We don't have any family that is in the weird, 'in between a kid and an adult' age, but if we did, we'd probably want to put some sort of cap on the age, eg no one under 21. Besides the fact that you don't want children/teens there, I feel that a wedding, where there is alcohol served plentifully and, especially in my case, at least a few people who will get bombed, is not somewhere a 16 year old wants to be, nor do I want to deal with the issue of not allowing them to be served alcohol or being responsible if they do.

I'd say take a day to calm yourself, and write out two lists. One with ALL cousins (yours and his), and one with only the people you had planned to invite and none of his younger cousins. Include how much it would cost for the amount of people on both lists. Maybe if he sees the numbers, his plan will become more reasonable. Or, if not, then talk to him and find out why it is so important to have his cousins there. Maybe he is being pressured by family, but maybe he really doesn't feel like he could get married if his cousins weren't there. Maybe he used to be close with them but because of life cirucmstances became distant from them.

As mad as I know this is making you, try to just make your argument as to why you don't want to invite anyone under 21 years old clear and concise, and it will be very hard to argue with you.

Good luck!!!

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Great advice, thank you so much!!!!

Re: VENT!

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Posted by ladygoodman

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Posted by sgf2

I feel that a wedding, where there is alcohol served plentifully and, especially in my case, at least a few people who will get bombed, is not somewhere a 16 year old wants to be, nor do I want to deal with the issue of not allowing them to be served alcohol or being responsible if they do.

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You have a right to your opinion but I have to disagree. I was a bridesmaid in my uncles wedding when I was 16. Everyone else was trashed. My brother actually threw up in his plate right next to me. Still one of the best times I've ever had.
But anyway I still say if you don't want certain people there it's your right to put your foot down.

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As a 16 year old, I would have been very happy. But as someone who sees drunk people do stupid things on a regular basis when bartending, it scares the **** out of me.

Agree to disagree.

Re: VENT!

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Posted by sgf2

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Posted by ladygoodman

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Posted by sgf2

I feel that a wedding, where there is alcohol served plentifully and, especially in my case, at least a few people who will get bombed, is not somewhere a 16 year old wants to be, nor do I want to deal with the issue of not allowing them to be served alcohol or being responsible if they do.

---

You have a right to your opinion but I have to disagree. I was a bridesmaid in my uncles wedding when I was 16. Everyone else was trashed. My brother actually threw up in his plate right next to me. Still one of the best times I've ever had.
But anyway I still say if you don't want certain people there it's your right to put your foot down.

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As a 16 year old, I would have been very happy. But as someone who sees drunk people do stupid things on a regular basis when bartending, it scares the **** out of me.

Agree to disagree.

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Agreed

VENT!

Ugh boys are stupid.

My FH thinks that anyone who said Congratulations to him needs to be invited...in the beginning he'd come home from work and be like oh so and so said congrats, we should add them to the list. like really!!??

Re: VENT!

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Posted by NIKOLE

Ugh boys are stupid.

My FH thinks that anyone who said Congratulations to him needs to be invited...in the beginning he'd come home from work and be like oh so and so said congrats, we should add them to the list. like really!!??

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Hahahaha sounds like my FH too

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