VENT: FH's grandma

is a PITA!!!

FH's grandma is a devout Catholic and months ago, expressed some concerns with him marrying me (I'm Presbyterian.). To make her happy (or so we thought), we went to his parish and spoke with the priest there, who is helping us with our dispensation and we are doing pre-cana Jan 21 so we can get the certificate. (If she didn't express her original problem with him marrying me, we wouldn't have gone through the dispensation process since FH and everyone else in his family did NOT have a problem with us getting married in a non-Catholic ceremony.)

Well, FH just called to tell me that his grandmother shared with his mom last night that she still will NOT attend the ceremony or the reception because it is againt her beliefs to come watch and participate in the ceremony since it's not a Catholic church!

I have nothing against her beliefs, but if I went through the trouble of getting the marriage sanctioned (which means it's not against her beliefs anymore), the least she could do is show up? I'm so annoyed right now, I'm tempted to tell FH to tell his grandmother that if she has no intention of showing up anyway, I'm not wasting my time completing the dispensation process.

That stinks! It sounds like she's just one of these, 'I'm-in-charge-of-this-family' grandmothers...

I have the same issue. I'm Episcopalian, and my FH was raised Catholic. (He's also Italian-American, and I'm most definitely not...) He doesn't practice at all now, and has some issues with the church. We decided before we even got engaged that we would be married in an Episcopal church by my uncle (who is an Episcopal priest).

We were also going to do the sanctioning thing...We even asked a Jesuit priest from Boston College (where we went to school) to co-officiate at our wedding. We explained all of this to her, and she says *AT EASTER DINNER*, 'WEll, it doesn't matter anyway. I've given up on you, John.' WHAT!?!?!? I just sat there and my FH just sort of sat there dumbfounded. Someone tried to change the subject, but she just kept on pounding away at it.

Honestly, as long as you FH isn't affected by what she thinks, and your FMIL/FFIL are ok with you not being Catholic, who cares? My FMIL took me aside a couple of weeks later and told me that she's totally ok with what we're doing, and not to worry about her mother....

Just take a deep breath, put a smile on your face and try to ignore her...that's what I do.

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

I'm sorry, that really stinks. Did someone explain to grandma what you guys are doing to please her? Can't someone tell her grandson's happiness is more important than the building you get married in?

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I have to agree...

I also meant to add to my last post; Could you have your FMIL step in and try to talk some sense into her?

I went thru a similar situation my hubby's Grandma- she didn't come to the wedding

she doesn't like me b/c I am Irish and Sicialn
and she thinks I am Jewish

I am a confirmed catholic- unlike her percious Grandson- who was not even baptised

no one in my family had any issues with us getting married- only her

she made me really upset- and Jake no longer will speak to her

she felt it was HER duty to speak for the family-

she also thinks b/c he is Banker- I must be using him- another funny Joke- insulting really

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Posted by Boston&NY2006

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

I'm sorry, that really stinks. Did someone explain to grandma what you guys are doing to please her? Can't someone tell her grandson's happiness is more important than the building you get married in?

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I have to agree...

I also meant to add to my last post; Could you have your FMIL step in and try to talk some sense into her?

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Thanks. That's what FH told his mom to do and they are considering having the priest that we met with talk to her about how it's not against her religion if the Church sanctions it. The really frustrating part about this whole thing is that I went out of my way to try to make up for the fact that I'm not Catholic (I have no intention of converting and I am extremely active in my church, but I can understand why that would be a sore topic if she's really devout.) and she's still not satisfied. It's like her mind was already set beforehand that I'm not good enough because of my religion.

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Posted by Beth1210

I went thru a similar situation my hubby's Grandma- she didn't come to the wedding

she doesn't like me b/c I am Irish and Sicialn
and she thinks I am Jewish

I am a confirmed catholic- unlike her percious Grandson- who was not even baptised

no one in my family had any issues with us getting married- only her

she made me really upset- and Jake no longer will speak to her

she felt it was HER duty to speak for the family-

she also thinks b/c he is Banker- I must be using him- another funny Joke- insulting really

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How awful! Right now, I'm mad enough to be fine with the fact that she doesn't want to come, but it would be wonderful if she could just suck it up and show up. She should be thankful she's even invited and we WANT her there.

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Posted by Mayflower

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How awful! Right now, I'm mad enough to be fine with the fact that she doesn't want to come, but it would be wonderful if she could just suck it up and show up. She should be thankful she's even invited and we WANT her there.

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I agree with you 100%- I really thought she would want to see her only grandson get married- I was shocked - as I am sure you are also

FM me if you need to vent more!

nothing is going to change. You're not going to convert. You are still going to get married. It sounds like a losing battle.

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Thanks. That's what FH told his mom to do and they are considering having the priest that we met with talk to her about how it's not against her religion if the Church sanctions it. The really frustrating part about this whole thing is that I went out of my way to try to make up for the fact that I'm not Catholic (I have no intention of converting and I am extremely active in my church, but I can understand why that would be a sore topic if she's really devout.) and she's still not satisfied. It's like her mind was already set beforehand that I'm not good enough because of my religion.

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I think you guys are taking a really good approach, but at some point, you might just need to let it go and accept her being stubborn and stupid about this. She's the one that's missing out. People that have these ridiculous prejudices are irrational by definition. If someone is of the opinion that the only belief that's correct or worthwhile is their own, then there's almost no use arguing because they've already decided that everyone else is wrong.

It sounds like your FH/FIL's are being really supportive about this, and I think you've really taken the high road on this one. Don't beat yourself up about this. At the end of the day, you will know that you made every effort to include her and please her. She will be the one with this on her conscience.

thanks for listening everyone.. i'm still at the situation and can not, for the life of me, comprehend what the stick up her butt is from. Why can't she just be happy and not make a big stink about something so minor?

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Posted by Mayflower

thanks for listening everyone.. i'm still at the situation and can not, for the life of me, comprehend what the stick up her butt is from. Why can't she just be happy and not make a big stink about something so minor?

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. You definitely did everything you could to please her (aside from converting which would just be crazy) and hopefully she will realize that sometime before the big day. If not, it is her loss. Good luck and keep us posted!

AGAINST HER RELIGION?!?!?! Are you kidding me? I'm Catholic, and my mom is VERY devout Catholic. However, my brother became born again about 15 years ago. He was married, in his church, 5 years ago. We went and none of us burst into flames. I was in his wedding party and he is going to be in mine.

How many of us have gone to weddings that were a different religion? How many of us have been IN a wedding of a different religion? Was anyone kicked out of their religion for doing this? I could go on for days, but I won't.

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Posted by waterspout4

AGAINST HER RELIGION?!?!?! Are you kidding me? I'm Catholic, and my mom is VERY devout Catholic. However, my brother became born again about 15 years ago. He was married, in his church, 5 years ago. We went and none of us burst into flames. I was in his wedding party and he is going to be in mine.

How many of us have gone to weddings that were a different religion? How many of us have been IN a wedding of a different religion? Was anyone kicked out of their religion for doing this? I could go on for days, but I won't.

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Thank you! I think you just summed up all of my frustrations perfectly. I highly doubt she's going to be sent to hell or wherever for showing up! Why do some people have to be so difficult and ignorant?

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Posted by Blu-ize

Let her stay home. Everybody thinks they have a say.

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I agree, remember it's your day and the most important people will be there you and you fh!!! Let her stay home I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life it's not like she is the one getting married outside the church and as a catholic I have never avoided going to a wedding b/c it was not in a church.

I love how people love to stick their noses in where they DO NOT belong! this marriage is about YOU and your FH! not HER beliefs

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this stress. I'm sure that there are a flood of emotions around all of this as well...between anger at the unfairness and hurt by her unwillingness to accept things. You do not deserve any of this and I wish you weren't going through this.

What has your FH said about it all? How does he and his family feel about her behavior and her threat to not come to the wedding?

It's always easy to give advice when I'm not the one involved so please excuse my advice but is there anyway you can just say forget her and brush it all off? Can you make yourself forget her and her nonsense and just basically disown HER? Would serve her right...IMO. She's going overboard and I think she knows full well what she is doing. She's got some issues - fear of losing control over family...jealousy...who knows but something isn't right in her heart - and THAT is not being a good catholic.