Vent: FMIL has decided to wear WHITE

So, some of you may remember from the summer when FH's mother bought her dress. It was a green strapless dress with white beading on top. Mind you, we are having a December wedding yet she insisted on buying a summer dress. Fine, no harm no foul. Yet.

I made the suggestion that she cover up with a green shawl or jacket so she'd be warm (I also wanted her to cover up the white beads b/c in person they are very 'loud' and also my dress is ivory). She didn't want to get a shawl b/c she 'doesn't know what to do with her arms' and she gesticulates when she talks. Fine. So she finds a jacket pattern she likes and decides to make a jacket. She claims to have gone everywhere to find green fabric. Hasn't found any that 'works' with the dress, she claims.

So what does she do? Buys stark white bridal lace! I kid you not, I tried on entire dresses made out of the same exact lace. So now her top will be all white with the green skirt poking out from below (the jacket comes down about mid-thigh).

I have tried dropping suggestions, and then I also tried being blunt (telling her in person I felt it was inappropriate for anyone other than the bride to wear that much white). Two weeks ago when I was home, I took time out of my schedule to go to a few fabric stores and purchase fabric that was in the same color family as the dress. I sent her the swatches which she got yesterday, and instead of a 'thanks for trying' what I got was this:

'Got the swatches and I thought I told you I went to JoAnn's already. None worked. Don't bother going anywhere else. I am very happy with what I have.' That's all she wrote. No thanks, no signature, NOTHING.

This woman is so self centered. I drafted an email to respond to her but held off on sending it. My shower is on Saturday, she'll be there, and I'm a little afraid that she may make a scene. She's generally clueless, and doesn't have an unselfish bone in her body, but I also dont' know what she'll do if I were to send her my reply.

Sorry to vent. I just knew that you guys would understand. Thank goodness his stepmother is an angel. How many of you think I should respond, regardless of the shower being tomorrow?

oh im sorry you are dealing with this..
i agree 100% with you though... she is wearing too much white and it takes away from the bride.. its your day and not hers.. why is she not understanding how you feel .. you are just trying to help her..
as for the email, depending on how your wrote it, if you think she will cause a scene, then i would hold off till after the shower.. otherwise i would say send it.

i hope everything works out!! let me know!

I'd be a little p*ssed if my MIL wore white!!!

How does your FH feel about it? they are always clueless though themselves about these things!

i would wait to send anything and then maybe try talking to her in person?

OMG what a JERK. The white lace jacket is just a SYMPTOM, the larger problem is that she's completely selfish as you noted above...
I don't think addressing it will give you any resolution though. More likely, she'll use that as ammo to cast you as the villain and dear FH will be square in the middle between his bride to be and his clueless mother. People like that ALWAYS need to be the victim.
I vote for restraint, vent here or wherever you need to. Perhaps there's another relative who can objectively point out it's just not 'done'.
But on the day you'll hardly notice her, I SWEAR. Let everyone ELSE notice that she's a self-centered clod.
And with all that said, the evil part of me would be thinking about paying someone to spill red wine on her lace jacket...

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Posted by Colette

OMG what a JERK. The white lace jacket is just a SYMPTOM, the larger problem is that she's completely selfish as you noted above...
I don't think addressing it will give you any resolution though. More likely, she'll use that as ammo to cast you as the villain and dear FH will be square in the middle between his bride to be and his clueless mother. People like that ALWAYS need to be the victim.
I vote for restraint, vent here or wherever you need to. Perhaps there's another relative who can objectively point out it's just not 'done'.
But on the day you'll hardly notice her, I SWEAR. Let everyone ELSE notice that she's a self-centered clod.
And with all that said, the evil part of me would be thinking about paying someone to spill red wine on her lace jacket...

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Love the red wine idea!! I would hold off on the email. What does FH think, can he ask her to not wear white? And why such a long jacket?

Thanks ladies.

FH agrees with me (as a teenager, he left her house and moved in with his father for the rest of high school b/c she was so nuts) and he is leaving the decision up to me on what to say and when to say it. I feel awful for him b/c he is in the middle, but at least he recognizes that she's nuts. The problem is that she just doesn't understand why people get upset with her, and her husband won't tell her what's what. Even more sad, is that her sister is just like her and won't see the problem. So there really isn't hope for anyone setting her straight. I think it would take one of my parents saying something to her, which isn't fair to them, and that would really cause drama. Luckily my parents haven't had to meet her yet, though my mother will meet her tomorrow at the shower...

I think what I'm afraid of here is not saying something and letting this just further along this behavior. Obviously, she's a 50-something adult who is set in her ways and she's not going to change. But I don't want her to think that stealing our show at our wedding is appropriate. God help us when we have children. Hopefully we'll be living back in NY and far away from her in DE!

Thanks for listening. I dont' know what I'd do without having you all here.

Is there any way that at your rehearsal the person that will be doing the ceremony say 'Please remember that they only person in the bridal party that is allowed to wear white is the Bride, anyone else wearing white will be a distraction and will take away the attention from the bride and groom' Maybe she will get the hint.

Good Luck!!!!!!!

PS Love the red wine suggestion. Can someone sneak into the house and steal it prior to the wedding day? She'll just assume she misplaced it.

I agree with most the ladies here, just ignore her; its not worth the aggravation.

I also love the red wine idea!

I think I'm going to see how she is at the shower on Saturday and then send my email to her next week. I won't see her again until the wedding at that point. I think part of this is her doing it on purpose, another part b/c she genuinely believes she looks nice (the whole color scheme is horrible for her complexion), and b/c she's being challenged. Triple wammy.

I am LOVING the red wine idea!

I have to agree that I would be upset but to be honest we had a guest at the wedding that wore white and I didnt even notice~this is someone VERY close to DH also. Really, it wont take away from you at all. Everyone will know who the bride is AND they will talk about it later with friends. Try not to let it get to you~i promise that it will not affect you day at all

Woah, what a loon!!!!

On one hand, while I believe that she is obviously trying to be disrespectful , I do not think it's going to matter. I do not think that anyone is going to be distracted by her in her white lace jacket as compared to you, the lovely Bride, in your magnificent dress.

Having said that, if I were you, I would insist that DH tell her that she is going to be the laughingstock of the entire wedding. I would make him tell her that it is inappropriate and that she is not welcome in her WHITE Jacket and that she must wear something else, or her invitation is revoked! End of story....no negotiating, no ifs, ands or buts.

Forget the email; tell her to her face. Perhaps in front of people (aka witnesses). AT THE SHOWER.

I'm not saying to embarrass the woman. But I would say something like....

'XXX, I've been thinking about it a lot and it really hurts me that you want to wear white. It may seem silly to you, but it means the world to me. Please wear something else. It would really be such a gift to me and your son if you could just honor our wishes on our wedding day.'

If she flips out, she'll be doing it in front of everyone & look like a jerk. If she STILL wears white, she looks like a jerk b/c everyone will know you asked nicely and she did it anyway. Its a win-win


I keep screwing up this post!!!

Sorry....

mine did, and frankly I didn't care. I think white being reserved for the bride is an american thing, and MIL, being polish, probably doesn't realize its a bit tabu. Our wedding colors for the bridal party were ivory and black... apparently, it's really bad luck according to MIL for female family to wear any black to a wedding, so she wore ivory. I'm fairly sure that was her thought process.....

that said, it is your wedding, and she should respect your wishes..........

I agree -- I would say something face to face to her with FH present. Honestly, I think he should be the one to say something, but if he won't you need to nip this one in the bud.

WHAT A SELFISH LADY!!

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Posted by PegaLega

I have to agree that I would be upset but to be honest we had a guest at the wedding that wore white and I didnt even notice~this is someone VERY close to DH also. Really, it wont take away from you at all. Everyone will know who the bride is AND they will talk about it later with friends. Try not to let it get to you~i promise that it will not affect you day at all

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So TRUE!! I had a few people in white- nonn eof which I noticed the day of!! It was afterwards when EVEYONE I talked to commented on the people wearing white!! It really won't ruin your day!!