VENT- what would you do? ( LONG)

I am sorry about the loss of your mom and I'm sure that's going to be an open wound for you for a long time, but this woman makes your dad happy. and if he's paying, I really don't see how you can ask him not to bring her to your wedding.

Good luck

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Posted by suven

If you think the conversation would get heated, you could try to get him involved in some of the 'honoring Mom' ideas.

Tell him you're going to honor her in the ceremony. Ask him for input on phrases to include in your program to honor your mom. Maybe then he will realize that this is a VERY sensitive issue for you?

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he nixed this idea already- I told him the priest said something about honoring Mom- he didn't want to bring her up- which I understand b/c it's really very soon

The one thing I am doing is a donation to the leukmia/lymphoma society in her honor- as my favor

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Posted by Beth1210

he nixed this idea already- I told him the priest said something about honoring Mom- he didn't want to bring her up- which I understand b/c it's really very soon

The one thing I am doing is a donation to the leukmia/lymphoma society in her honor- as my favor

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He nixed mentioning her during the ceremony entirely? What about the programs?

For my DH's Dad, we wrote a dedication on the back cover of our programs.

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Posted by suven

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Posted by Beth1210

he nixed this idea already- I told him the priest said something about honoring Mom- he didn't want to bring her up- which I understand b/c it's really very soon

The one thing I am doing is a donation to the leukmia/lymphoma society in her honor- as my favor

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He nixed mentioning her during the ceremony entirely? What about the programs?

For my DH's Dad, we wrote a dedication on the back cover of our programs.

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yes he did- I was going to include something with the donation favor - saying how this favor is to honor her memory


But this was months ago- when he also told me he would NEVER think of bringing a date to my wedding- I guess things can change

maybe I will try yo talk to him again about this

I think you should talk to him about this again.

I really think your mother's family will be very offended if she is not mentioned at all during her daughter's wedding ceremony.

Talk to him again about this.

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Posted by suven

I think you should talk to him about this again.

I really think your mother's family will be very offended if she is not mentioned at all during her daughter's wedding ceremony.

Talk to him again about this.

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I will- thanks- Maybe he will get the hint

hmm, I may have a different opinion than the others. First, I think it is totally acceptable that your dad is dating again. They say that happily married men usually jump into relationships soon than previously happily wed widows. I think it is great!

BUT, on the other hand, I think I would feel the same way as you. I think I would be more upset with having my wedding without my mother and this other woman there as a constant reminder throughout the day that she is no longer with you. If I were you, I would explain your feelings to your dad. Tell him that your wedding day is going to be hard enough without having your mom there and seeing him with his new girlfriend will be even harder. He has got to understand that.

However, in the future, I think you need to put aside your feelings for the sake of your dad's happiness. You can't be dodging holidays, etc. with this woman but for now, I think your wedding day and shower for that matter are totally acceptable. JMO though.

My mom died 8 years before my wedding, and you know what - it was still difficult going through all of the planning without her there and I got very upset from time to time. Doing all of this 10 months after you mom's death must be so incredibly tough!

I am going to suggest a different approach. Can you just get your nerve up and just tell him that honestly, that while you like her and have no problem with her, it is just too soon after your mom's death to have her there and it would upset you terribly on a day that is supposed to be a happy one? I think he might understand if he is saying even mentioning her in the ceremony would upset him. (I will add here that even mentioning my parents' names during the prayers of the faithful at our mass got me choked up - and this is 8 years afterwards!) Couldn't he see how having the girlfriend there could upset you? He may not be thinking about how you feel about this - he might just not want to go to the wedding alone. Maybe you can compromise and she can come to the ceremony and not the reception?

I know this is tough. I don't think you need to worry about what the rest of the family thinks. Do what you and your dad can live with and let the chips fall where they may.

Sorry you have to deal with this. This must be so hard for you. Do you think maybe you sister could talk to him?

Wow, what a tough situation...I am so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure it must be very hurtful to think of your father with another woman - particularly one that you aren't very fond of.

I think you should let your father take this woman to your wedding as his date, but make it clear that she will not receive any kind of special honor such as a corsage. His date does not have a special relationship with you, and therefore does not deserve any kind of honor at the wedding. Also, you should make it clear to your dad that he must accept the fact that you will be honoring your mother during the wedding in the way that you see fit. Although it might make him sad to think of your mother on your wedding day, I would imagine that it would make your mother's family even more upset if you did not honor your mother in some way.

That is just my $.02...and here are a few hugs...

I was thinking of doing something similar- I was going to tell him how I feel about the situation and let him decide what he feels is best- I am still his child and he should be concerned about how I feel

I don't he realizes how everything makes me and my bro and sis feel- he just doesn't want to be alone- he not 'in love' with this women

But he was too upset to have his name mentioned with out my Mom's on the invite- so he should understand

I know exactly how you feel
My mom died 11 years ago and it still feels like it's less than 10 months ago. Especially with the planning of the wedding. However, it's not just 'MY DAY'. I'm sure you want your dad to be just as happy as you will be on the day of. Even though it will be difficult, just suck it up and consider your dad's feelings also. Whether or not he's paying for it should not even be an issue. Just think about how happy you want your family and you to be that day as they share in your joy.

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Posted by lullabella

Sorry you have to deal with this. This must be so hard for you. Do you think maybe you sister could talk to him?

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No, unfortuately everything she tires to tell him how she feels- she gets into a screaming fight with him- My brother would be best he hasn't met her yet- so It could just be in general and not personal- he said he would talk to him- but he can't get up the nerve either

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Posted by mrsgtobe

Wow, what a tough situation...I am so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure it must be very hurtful to think of your father with another woman - particularly one that you aren't very fond of.

I think you should let your father take this woman to your wedding as his date, but make it clear that she will not receive any kind of special honor such as a corsage. His date does not have a special relationship with you, and therefore does not deserve any kind of honor at the wedding. Also, you should make it clear to your dad that he must accept the fact that you will be honoring your mother during the wedding in the way that you see fit. Although it might make him sad to think of your mother on your wedding day, I would imagine that it would make your mother's family even more upset if you did not honor your mother in some way.

That is just my $.02...and here are a few hugs...

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I totally agree with this ! I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this....

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Posted by Beth1210

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Posted by suven

If you think the conversation would get heated, you could try to get him involved in some of the 'honoring Mom' ideas.

Tell him you're going to honor her in the ceremony. Ask him for input on phrases to include in your program to honor your mom. Maybe then he will realize that this is a VERY sensitive issue for you?

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he nixed this idea already- I told him the priest said something about honoring Mom- he didn't want to bring her up- which I understand b/c it's really very soon

The one thing I am doing is a donation to the leukmia/lymphoma society in her honor- as my favor

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He nixed the honoring your mom idea? What the ????

Unfortunately you can only do a few things about it. Don't have her in the ceremony or receiving line. She is not part of the bridal party. Of course she will sit with your father and dance with him, but she is not your family and your mom just passed..there has to be some respect. Your Dad is entitled to be happy but also he needs to respect you and your family. There has to be a compromise.

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Posted by Blu-ize

Unfortunately you can only do a few things about it. Don't have her in the ceremony or receiving line. She is not part of the bridal party. Of course she will sit with your father and dance with him, but she is not your family and your mom just passed..there has to be some respect. Your Dad is entitled to be happy but also he needs to respect you and your family. There has to be a compromise.

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I was going to say something similar -since she is going to be there set some guidelines -
No corsage for her
She doesn't walk in with your dad (say at the reception)
She isn't in the receiving line
She's not in all the pics

And I would explain to your dad that since he doesn't even know her that long you have these guidelines so that down the road you're not stuck looking at all of these pics/videos of her if she's not around.
I know it's not the same but my brother at my wedding brought a girl he was only recently dating, she's not in any of my pics, I did have the photographer take a pic of the two of them but I didn't need her in my family shots.

I'm sorry about your mom - I can only imagine how hard this is ...

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Posted by suven

I think you should talk to him about this again.

I really think your mother's family will be very offended if she is not mentioned at all during her daughter's wedding ceremony.

Talk to him again about this.

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I agree. I know it must be so incredibly hard, and there is no way that you will not be thinking of her that day. I would think that you and your mother's family deserve to remember her. JMHO

Also, not to cause more drama, but if his new GF does come, it must be made ABUNDANTLY clear that she is in no uncertain terms to appear in any *family* photos. (this actually happened to a friend of mine, then her Mom broke up with the guy before the album was even finished & this *guy* had to be photoshopped out of a whole bunch of pics cuz he was in all of the posed pics).

Also, she should not be on the invite (if you have not printed it yet)

Good luck &

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Posted by mrsgtobe

Wow, what a tough situation...I am so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure it must be very hurtful to think of your father with another woman - particularly one that you aren't very fond of.

I think you should let your father take this woman to your wedding as his date, but make it clear that she will not receive any kind of special honor such as a corsage. His date does not have a special relationship with you, and therefore does not deserve any kind of honor at the wedding. Also, you should make it clear to your dad that he must accept the fact that you will be honoring your mother during the wedding in the way that you see fit. Although it might make him sad to think of your mother on your wedding day, I would imagine that it would make your mother's family even more upset if you did not honor your mother in some way.

That is just my $.02...and here are a few hugs...

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I agree with this and with the last few posts above mine. Let your father make the decision if he wants her there. But as mentioned above, don't stand her out from the rest of the guests in any way...no corsage..no family photos...no walking into the reception. Even though your dad is paying, you have the right on this very special day of your life to honor your mother in any way you wish...at the ceremony/reception. I wish you lots of luck in dealing with this as it is a tough situation for you. We are all here for you

ok- I am going to talk to my Dad and make him agree to those things above- I think it's more then fair

I don't want her there early either- ( since I am getting married there we get it early for pictures)

Beth-you definitely don't have to worry about everyone looking at anyone but you---you're beautiful!!!!!
Sorry I don't have any good advice, but I'm here for ya!