Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

We went to visit them over thanksgiving for coffee one evening. Now first I have to say this is FH father and step-mother - they have been very nice to me but they have never really been there for FH. His parents were divorced when he was young and his father was never around. He is just starting to have a relationship basically with him now.
We go there for coffee and they ask about the wedding. FH starts to tell them about it and they start making all of these comments.
First, - (when describing our church) oh we hate churches like that they are so big and impersonal can't you have it at a small more modern chapel instead or we will just hate the ceremony.
Next, Oh you are having it a country club why would you have it at such a stuffy place like that. We went to a country club on the island - it was the fox hollow (remember my reception is at a private club) and it was horrible way to stuffy - why don't you have it at some place ritzy like where FBIL had his wedding.
Next - You cannot have 1 hour between the ceremony and the reception (ceremony at 4 cocktail hour at 6) or WE will refuse to come - because we will refuse to sit around for and hour, that is the rudest thing we have ever heard.
Next - This isn't a formal wedding is it- because Saturday nights are usually formal. (us - well yes it is a formal wedding) well we don't do formal weddings You mean I will have to put a tux on - And FSMIL says hmmm - well I refuse to wear a long dress I will just wear a casual pant suit. Ugh
Then - Well you will have FH's neices and nephew in the wedding right but no other children will be allowed there. That will just ruin the whole wedding. (we have been going back and forth - MANY of my relatives have children and they are all coming from all over the country and so if they come they have to bring their children. We have considered having them in a separate room with a babysitter and plenty of activities to keep them occupied if we do not allow them in the room.)
Then they tell us that their grandchildren (FH neices and nephew) MUST BE IN the wedding because they will only behave if they are the center of attention (I LOVE CHILDREN but they can be absolute holy terrors - to the point FH has said he really doesn't want them in the wedding party)and since FBIL is the BM they will have to be up there with him because they will not behave for anyone else.
Next, They HAVE to be sat on the opposite side of the room from FH's mother or THEY will be problems they claim. Also they insist on being sat with MY parents - who have their own family members they want to sit with.
They WILL NOT attend the rehersal dinner (so they will not also be contributing to it) because FH's mother will be there.
Also they told FH that they would be inviting 10 people to the wedding. Now they tell us when FH asks them to get addresses together in case we decide to send save the date. They tell him 1) that they no longer will be inviting anyone to the wedding, and 2) they do not want us sending out save the dates - who ever heard of sending out save the date cards no one does that and we don't want you to send those.
Where do you two think you will go for your honeymoon? We say we are not sure, Disney and maybe a cruise, hawaii, we really don't know. They tell us - why would you want to go to any of those places no one goes there - you should go were we went for our honeymoon - if it was good enough for us it is good enough for you two. (they went to niagra falls)
FH is convinced that they are saying this because they are afraid he will ask them for money to pay for the rehearsal dinner since my parents are paying for the wedding and FH and I are paying for anything we don't agree on and the honeymoon (they also gave FBIL a sizable amount for his wedding and paid for the rehearsal dinner) These people never gave their son a dime and they are NOT wealthy BUT CERTAINLY NOT hurting for money - they just sold their summer house upstate and are building a house to retire to in the poconos and they take multiple trips each year and only stay suite level.
We had not planned on asking them for a dime (since FH never really got anything from them in the first place) but thought of it as if they volunteered to help us great if not that was ok too.
Now I am upset because we will be spending Christmas Eve with them and who knows what they will say this time?
FH and I fear that they will be problems with his parents at the wedding but he feels for once in his life his father is trying to spend time with him and take an interest in him. And he says he will tell them that he will never speak to them or forgive them if they start anything at our wedding.
Sorry for the long vent. It just really upset me. They have never been anything but nice to me before and seemed really supportive of the wedding and said they were only sorry we weren't getting married sooner?

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

Oh my god, I am so sorry you had to listen to all that. These people sound like they are on drugs! Honestly, I would just tell them in as nice a way possible that you and FH are really excited about your plans and if they have nothing nice to say then you would appreciate it if they said nothing. Tell them you can do without their negativity. You have every right to stick up for yourself, no matter who these people are to your FH, their comments are way out of line!

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

You poor thing. I was shocked reading that stuff. Stay away from them. They sound like two of the most miserable people on the face of the earth. I'd avoid them and not discuss anything with them anymore, I think it would be a lot healthier for both you and FH.

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

I haven't told my family about any of it because they already don't like his father because he never helped FH. They haven't met yet so it makes it harder. If I didn't think it meant a lot to FH to have them at the wedding I would not be inviting them after those comments. My parents say they will have them escorted out if they start any problems (or uninvite them) or if they think they will be a problem will uninvite them.
Oh and I SAW pictures from FH's brothers wedding so I KNOW they wore formal wear to that wedding. I understand that they have been thru a lot (breast cancer, and FFIL colon cancer) but they are healthy and taking vacations and after all of their comments they told FH that well now that they are retired they think they will go to the 5,000 dinner that they get invited to as a Bush fundraiser. Nice huh - throw money on that but not offer to help your son who is struggling with loans etc to get thru grad school in another state.
This whole thing just gets me angry - FH is one of the sweetest guys out there and would do anything for anyone - not a mean bone in his body and he was really given the short end of the stick - and he turns it around and says now that he is starting a relationship with his father. It is a hard situation for him. I think it hurts to see that his parents can't even be in the same room after 19 years of divorce.

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

Wow, that almost sounds like a page out of my life. I feel so bad for you and Rob. It's a shame that the cost of having his father in his life is having his father try to run it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I truly hope that his father & step mother realized how RIDICULOUS they are being. Or maybe Rob could talk to his father (just the two of them) and tell him about how hurtful his remarks are and that he wants him to participate in the wedding?

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

Hi there,
I am mortified at your FFIL and FSMIL's behaviour. They are obviously out to make your wedding a total nightmare!!! I am sorry to say but if your FFIL really wanted to mend the relationship with your FH, he will be more supportive emotionally, financially and for goodness sake more sensitive.
I kinda feel for you because my FMIL is not paying a dime for the wedding and I do not respond when she tries to suggest something about the wedding that makes no sense. I just nod in acknowledgement and and she seems to get the message because the conversation does not go further than her voicing her opinion. So your FH's family can talk all they want but you must try to stay focused on your plans and not let them influence your decisions with their unreasonanble opinions.

As for the seating arrangement, I would tell them that you can put them close to your parent's table since your parent's table already is already filled with your immediate relatives. Do not make the mistake of putting these lunatics next to your parents since they may make their lives a living hell.

I am so upset that they are treating you this way. Parents should know better!!!!

Also you should ask you FH to have a meeting with your FFIL and let him know that you do not want any scenes on the wedding day and he will need to work out all his issues before with your FMIL so the experience is not as unpleasant. Make sure FH reiteterates that this is nothing but a joyous occasion and if the father/son realtionship means anything to him, he would try to cooperate. I have a feeling he will be a little more considerate without your FSMIL present

Be strong and let me know hoe it goes. We are all here for you!!!!


Karen

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

That stinks. Just plan the wedding the way you want to and hopefully they will come around. There is no reason to do anything they want like inviting 10 people or putting extra kids in the wedding if you don't want to and they are not paying. DOn't let them get you down.

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just remember that this is your and Rob's wedding. You have to do what makes the TWO of you happy.

Good Luck and I hope everything goes well. When is Rob coming home?

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

What a bunch of boobs! I feel so bad for you and Rob. Althought Rob is the one who will have to make this decision but it may be a good idea to not have these people in your lives. It's a hard choice but they seem like toxic people and haven't they hurt your FH enough. You unfortunately are in the worst place! I guess just try to be supportive of any decision he makes and try and bite your tounge(I know this is hard when you want to pop these people on the mouth ) Good luck to you guys and keep your chin up

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

Well it is really his father and not his stepmother that is the pain. I heard his father was walking past his mother at his brothers wedding and elbowing her everytime. Ugh.
Rob sees it as well he just wants to be a spectator in his life just as he has always been. He father is a grumpy old man what can I say?

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all this. Let me give you some words of advice here: It is your wedding, and you should do what you want. I have had SO MANY issues with my FH's family too. They are horrible to us. You need to stand up for yourself, do not allow them to insult you in such a way. Certaintly do not change any of your plans to accommodate such rude people!

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

OMG - I am so sorry you are going through this. I think that if the topic of the wedding comes up again you shou;d say how excited you and your FH are, and that while you hope they will join you in the celebrations, if they feel they cannot then you totally understand. Tell them you can't please everyone and you have a vision for your wedding and together you and your FH are carrying that vision out.
It sounds like no matter what you and your FH do they will cirticize it. So no matter what, continue with your plans exactly as you want to, and pity these two who are so unkind and miserable. You only have room for love, love, love. Keep away from these sour grapes as much as possible.

Re: Vent! With FFIL and FSMIL

OMG!!!! That is disgusting!

I don't know what to say except I really feel your pain. My only advice is to IGNORE them and yes them to death -- easier said than done, I know.

Also, when you go there, try to stick close to your FH -- last thing you want is to be cornered alone by one of these two clowns.

Hope you can leave early on Christmas Eve