VENT(LONG)-So mad at FH

UGH-I'm so annoyed w/FH. Granted I've had a lot going on personally lately with friendships; deaths & financial stress...It was probably the WRONG time for him to start!

But we just had an argument over the phone; which started over an e-mail that I sent to him last week Friday (at his job that he just saw this morning). It was a KNot.com article on budget weddings in NY. And I was suggesting we do some of the saving suggestions and even think about doing a cocktail reception and make our 'reception' more of a party so we can actually enjoy our time and not have it so traditional.

Then he was all like how he thought we were 90% on board w/booking the Swan Club & our date. And I just tried to explain to him how we (or atleast I) have other financial responsibilities right now and despite how affordable SC is that I'm not sure if we can swing the costs of a 125+ guest wedding w/a full open bar; full sit down dinner limo's etc. He was like he doesn't see a wedding to be any other way. That a wedding needs to be a full dinner meal. So then I got mad saying that the whole wedding is being based around his stipulations. He HAS to invite his entire guests; he refuses to get married on a Friday or Sunday-only a Saturday because it's more convient for people; that he needs to have offer a full meal. He needs to have Limo's. I told him to stop trying to impress other people. The wedding should be about us and what we want; and he said that the wedding isn't for us; that it's for everyone else. That the weddings are never for the bride & groom; that they don't even get to enjoy it. I told him stop trying to impress everyone; because I'm not going to go broke and skimp and try to save every penny trying to impress other people. That people we're so concerned w/trying to impress aren't really friends and our real friends who know us are going to be happy to just share the day with us and won't care what we did or didn't include.

So then he was like 'f' this 'f' that whatever you want; I'm done; I'm tired of going back and forth; whatever you want. UGH So freaking annoying!! He originally wanted to just do a destination wedding; but because of certain reasons if we did a DW my father wouldn't be able to come and that is not an option for me. I did look into other locations nearby and even looked into going to Vegas with friends but he didn't want to do any of those destinations either! If it wasn't a beach in the Caribbean he wasn't interested. He said it would cost the same amount as staying here. Not doing an international DW is the ONLY 'demand' I've made. OTher than that it's me making suggestions; and him saying No I don't want to do that.

I just feel totally tired & drained by all of this I'm numb to any of these arguments.

I think I'm being fair in trying to come up with ways to make the wedding fit into OUR means & our personalities not what everyone else expects or wants. He says the wedding at the SC (or anywhere else) is our only option. Am I not being fair??

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Posted by FutureMrsDe

i had some of the same problems with my FH. He adamantly refused a friday wedding becuase he didnt think his 2 cousins from PA would come on a friday. we could have saved sooooo much money that way. so now its his problem to come up with more money for things.

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I should just let him deal w/worrying about everything! I should just let him deal w/paying for all the extra expenses but i'm trying make this a mutual process and fair for us.

But you know what; if this is the way he wants it; then he can come up with the $$ for what he wants. I work a 2nd job to cover my own personal expenses that aren't even wedding related; let him go and get a 2nd job to pay for all those people he wants to invite and all those things he wants to include to impress people.

Well I def disagree with your FH's point in saying that the wedding isnt for you guys - that kinda made me sad

But I see both of your points - you are realistic and he is a dreamer (sounds a lot like my FH lol).

But there has to be some things you can cut back that he wants that makes it realistic for you. Have it at the SC but don't have limos - or only have a cocktail half hour - or have a Saturday day wedding.

Have you presented a budget to him? I know I am a visual learner so i need to see it to really understand it. Maybe if you took all the items he wanted and wrote it out in a budget format - then compared it to one where you substituted some things out he could see the difference - maybe it will click.

Good luck and hang in there - but most importantly this day should be about you guys, i hope he sees that!

I definitely think he needs to compromise on some areas! There are things that are very important to some people.

For example, if FH feels very strongly that he needs the wedding on a saturday, then let him have that BUT he needs to give up limos or dinner with all the frills. He can't have EVERYTHING and you can't have EVERYTHING.

I think you should itemize all the things he wants with the total on how much these things will cost vs. scaling back.

If he still wants the big wedding, ask him for a proposal on where the money is going to come from.

The important thing is getting married here!

FH let me have the photographer I wanted but that meant cutting out engagement photos for example.

Give and TAKE!!

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Posted by WeezyGirl2354

Well I def disagree with your FH's point in saying that the wedding isnt for you guys - that kinda made me sad

But I see both of your points - you are realistic and he is a dreamer (sounds a lot like my FH lol).

But there has to be some things you can cut back that he wants that makes it realistic for you. Have it at the SC but don't have limos - or only have a cocktail half hour - or have a Saturday day wedding.

Have you presented a budget to him? I know I am a visual learner so i need to see it to really understand it. Maybe if you took all the items he wanted and wrote it out in a budget format - then compared it to one where you substituted some things out he could see the difference - maybe it will click.

Good luck and hang in there - but most importantly this day should be about you guys, i hope he sees that!

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I know; i was also taken a-back when he said it wasn't for us; but he always says that weddings aren't for the bride & groom in the sense that you don't get to enjoy it; you don't get to eat; you're constantly being pulled in every direction. BUt come on now; he's got to be willing to compromise somewhere.

We're doing a saturday day time to save costs; i would have preferred an evening event but i was compromising and doing the day time to save costs.

I don't want Limo's but he doesn't see how he'll get to the hall and then get back home. Man; the more i type this and re-read what i'm writing; he sounds like the groomzilla! I'm more like well lets not do this to save $$; he just wants to spend everything!

Suggest a HOLIDAY sunday.
My FH 3 rules were no friday and no Sunday and no daytime event, he absolutely hates going to weddings those days, and we ended up going with the sunday before labor day becuase atleatse pople with office 9-5 jobs will all be off that monday

ok, i think you both really need to sit down and talk things through.

it sounds like you both have REALLy different ideas and opinions on what a wedding should be.
i agree, no one should go broke planning a weddings - starting a marriage in debt, is no way to start a life together - and will only give you more things to argue about later on.

if you like the swan club, just like your FH, then why not look into having a day wedding? they are usually cheaper than night weddings and maybe you could still pull off a saturday wedding. if that's still not feasible, then how about a Sunday day wedding? at least everyone will still be able to come because it sunday during the day.

also, something to discuss and might be able to save money on is to see if the SC offers buffet dinners? they are usually a lot cheaper than a sit down dinner.

Hope all works out!

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Posted by Moonmist09

ok, i think you both really need to sit down and talk things through.

it sounds like you both have REALLy different ideas and opinions on what a wedding should be.
i agree, no one should go broke planning a weddings - starting a marriage in debt, is no way to start a life together - and will only give you more things to argue about later on.

if you like the swan club, just like your FH, then why not look into having a day wedding? they are usually cheaper than night weddings and maybe you could still pull off a saturday wedding. if that's still not feasible, then how about a Sunday day wedding? at least everyone will still be able to come because it sunday during the day.

also, something to discuss and might be able to save money on is to see if the SC offers buffet dinners? they are usually a lot cheaper than a sit down dinner.

Hope all works out!

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Thanks for all the suggestions! We had already decided on doing the daytime wedding at SC.
So we're saving $$ that way.

It's such a stupid arguement we're having! UGH!!

Well FH called to apologize-guess he finally realized the things he was wrong about.

He called me and said he was sorry for cursing & getting so upset. That he agreed we should look at other ways of cutting costs; but that we really shouldn't cut out a meal and only offer a cocktail reception.

So i told him before we book the SC that i want to at least look at some loft type places that might have a low rental fee; and that we can bring our own food. But i'm thinking that will still get pricey; b/c depending on what is included in the rental; we'd still need to bring in linens; beverages; food; possibly even tables etc. Oh and of course wait staff. So looking at everything seperate-might be best to stick with the SC for a total package and not have to worry about anything!

I'm really sorry about FH... money is so stressful, unfortunately.
I think youre ideas for saving are good... FH was the same way about having a 'proper dinner' and that the wedding is for the guests (although he recognizes it's for us as well) and he's the same way about putting on a show for other people which I can't stand. I don't really have advice for you since I have a lot of the same problems with FH... he's a baby when he doesn't get what he wants sometimes... but I'm here for you to vent. It'll work out though You'll figure out how to have a great wedding the way you BOTH want without going broke.

Actually, one piece of advice. Let it go fo now. Wait a few days. When you guys have some time, and you're just chilling out, bring it up then, when you're both not worked up over it. Explain your concerns about havin a larger wedding and it's not that you don't want what he wants, but you're scared about the financial consequences. Try to make him feel like you're on his side, but you're concerned, maybe a different approach will help him understand you need his help in compromise.

ETA, okay, somy illustrious advice was a few minutes too late... but glad FH realized he was acting poorly and he apologized, that's a good man. You'll work it out!

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Posted by JLWSJC

I'm really sorry about FH... money is so stressful, unfortunately.
I think youre ideas for saving are good... FH was the same way about having a 'proper dinner' and that the wedding is for the guests (although he recognizes it's for us as well) and he's the same way about putting on a show for other people which I can't stand.

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Thanks!
I was glad that he called back and we were able to talk more level headed instead of being so upset and not being able to see each others points.

I can't believe your FH is the same way too! I thought it was just mine! I hate the idea of having to put on a show; i just want us to have a day that's reflective of the both of us without constantly feeling like we have to impress people!

Why don't you look at places that offer package deals such as Douglaston Manor? That way it'll save you guys $ but you also won't lose out on the 'extra's' (e.x., limos).

Also keep in mind that a Sat night in Jan-March could be comparable to a Friday night in the other months.

I agree with Adri

check out an off month...if you push your wedding to dec or january...you might save more money!

FH & I are having the same problem...I want to save the money and he wants a big lavish affair

you might have to compromise and go with the Swan...but tell him that you must cut corners elsewhere- flowers, limos etc

good luck! it will all work out!

my FH is the same way. he wants everything! I cant have a sat wedding bc my family is Jewish and sat night is pointless for us bc he wants to book a RH that's on the beach and what's the point of a night wedding when you cant see it?

I say compromise is key. I told him no limos. We own 2 cars. we can drive.

We're getting married sun afternoon. your family will come if they want to.