Very Upset and I need help

Ladies, I took out a new account so I can talk annonymously.

FH and I had a huge fight tonight. Major fight. I am on the couch right now because I cannot bear to be next to him at the moment. I know I should not have left the room and he begged me to come back in but I just need some time to clear my head.

I do not think I can continue in this relationship. I feel like FH would just be happier if I was no longer a part of his life.

There was some major drama with his family today, and I know for a fact they all hate me and talk about me behind my back. I cannot ask him to choose, but I can no longer suffer silently while they ignore me and treat me like pond scum. Everything I say and do is twisted around and they call him to complain. No one will speak to me about it despite my many attempts to get to the bottom of why they feel this way.

I have tried so hard to be nice, and I am not innocent in all this, but I can no longer go on like this. When I try to defend myself, like today, things only got so very much worse. Now no one is speaking to me, and FH is torn. And all he wants is for everyone to get along but he is unwilling to get in the middle and try to smooth things out. He will do anything to avoid and confrontation with anybody.

This is his family. I cannot make him choose. I just feel like it will all be better if I just call the whole thing off, break up with him, and let him be with his family. I am willing to do that because I see how much this all upsets him. It seems like every problem in his life right now would just go away.

I love him and want to fight for us. But I have spent the past 2 out of 6 years trying to find a reasonable solution to all this (it wasn't always this bad) and it keeps getting worse. It should not be this hard. I cannot keep going like this. I have no more fight left in me.

He loves his family and they mean the world to him. I am not going to make him choose. So I feel like I should just bow out and let them win. I am crying as I write this because I am so utterly heartbroken.

Has anyone ever felt this way. I know it is so stupid, that if you love someone you should fight for them. But I have spent the past 2 years trying and it is only getting worse. I love him too much to keep putting him through this.

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Posted by msabla1

I know his family is not going to change but they should still accept you as part of his life because you two are in love and he should step in have a discussion in his family. I understand your predicament and it's not an easy situation. Just have a long sit-down talk with him & try to smooth things out and say to him 'let's not forget how much in love we are.'

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They should, but they feel like he is making a big mistake. He has not told them everything about what is going on in our life, because he is private. He is in TONS of debt and I work extra hours just to pay the bills. He does alot of extra stuff around the house because I'm simply never home to do any chores. I work 12 hour days. He works some night and weekends, so we never see eachother. The rare times we are both home and awake, we like to spend time together. And they want him to go over there inn his free time and do all these things for them. And when he says he can't, they think it is because I didn't 'give him permission.' I will say this flat out, FH has always made his own choices. He has never needed to ask me if he can come and go.

They see this as me controlling him. They blame me for the fact they never see him.

So they see things that don't look quite right and think it is all my fault. I heard his sister today tell him he should be the man of the house and should not have to clean things. This was at Easter when I was helping clear the table and clean. His sister said 'oh, I thought she didn't know how to clean since you are the one who does all the chores.' And what am I supposed to say? He says nothing to her except 'be nice' and I just pretend like I didn't hear it when EVERYONE heard it.

And he has too much pride to tell them the truth and I will not rat him out to his family to make myself seem better. So things like this keep happening and there is only so much I can take so after dinner I asked FH if we could leave because I was really not in the mood to see his family after 3 hours of being ignored and having snide comments thrown my way.

So, we get home and the phone starts ringing about ME. They call my house, to tell him about how rude I am because I wasn't talking to anyone except his 7 year old cousin. Well, the 7 year old is the only one who hasn't been constantly rude to me the past few years. I have tried so many times to be civil despite the insults and I have given up.

And then they complain about how we left early and how he is whipped and needs to be a man. So, I lost it. I took the phone out of his hand and told his sister that if she had something to say to me, she should say it. She said it was a private conversation between her and her brother, whom she has known alot longer than I have. So I told her she is no longer allowed to call my house to complain about me and I hung up the phone on her.

Now FH and I are in a huge fight about how I was rude for hanging up the phone. And I am like 'are you kidding me' and it just went nuts. he said he will talk to her and he always says that and nothing happens.And I am just so tired of it all. I am tired of having all my holidays ruined. If we go to my family they won't stop calling him. And if we go to his family I am simply miserable. And if we go our separate ways neither of us is happy either.

I am just wiped. Don't think I can keep having this happen

Honestly...I can only speak from my own experience. FH's family (FMIL specifically) had some problems with me and some concerns about me. She is very passive-aggressive and would always say things that would seem benign on the surface but I knew what she meant. FH is the kind of man who does not like to rock the boat. He just wants everyone to get along and he will usually just go along with things to keep the peace. That being said, there were many instances where FMIL twisted my words or took the wrong meaning from the things I said and related them to FH to tell him why she was concerned about him being with me, and he stood right up to her and said 'You are wrong and here's why'

Just as an example: Before I knew to keep somewhat guarded while with FMIL, I was talking to her about FH's daughter and how I do love her, but right now I'm glad to not have a child full-time so that I can still be a little selfish. She went to FH and told him she thought that I was a selfish person and that I just wanted to put myself first always. FH told her straight out that she was dead wrong, that I always put him and FSD before myself.

What I am trying to say is that if he had not done these things I would not be marrying him. By proposing marriage he has proposed that we build a home and a life together, and I could not do that if I didn't know that he was 100% on my side. I think that you need to have your FH be the same way. I understand its hard to be in a financial bind and its a blow to the ego, but his family has painted you into a corner and the only way for them to understand that they are being terrible is he needs to tell them the truth. I can't say what you should do in your situation, you are your own person. But I think that your FH needs to come clean to his family and show them you are not the monster they make you out to be.

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Posted by MikesBride2B

What I am trying to say is that if he had not done these things I would not be marrying him. By proposing marriage he has proposed that we build a home and a life together, and I could not do that if I didn't know that he was 100% on my side. I think that you need to have your FH be the same way. I understand its hard to be in a financial bind and its a blow to the ego, but his family has painted you into a corner and the only way for them to understand that they are being terrible is he needs to tell them the truth. I can't say what you should do in your situation, you are your own person. But I think that your FH needs to come clean to his family and show them you are not the monster they make you out to be.

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Reading that last paragraph brought me to sobbing tears because that is EXACTLY it. I am so happy that at least someone understands me. It is so hard to hear the truth sometimes.

I know FH loves me. But his family has always been this way. He has always caved to his mom and sisters. And he has never stood up for himself, and now me, to them.

Thank you for that. Those words are ringing so true in my ear right now. I cannot bear the though of not coming home to FH. I cannot bear the thought of not marrying him. But I simply cannot go on like this anymore.

I cant even begin to explain how much I can relate to you. Fh's family is super passive agressive and they have all made me feel like the bad guy for taking him away and beleiving its my fault we arent there at least once a week. This has caused so many fights with FH and I and I have thought several times, do I want to deal with this, especially because it is getting worse (if only i told you all the stories)!

The truth is, it will not change. They will not change and you cant force them to accept you , like you or even be nice to you. The only thing you can change is how you and FH react to them. Itseems you and FH really love each other and that is all that matters. Fh needs to be willing to reassure you that you are going to be his wife and you guys are in this together and on the same side. He shouldnt choose but you should just be comfortable with the fact that you are his number one and he validates and respects your feelings.

It is going to be a tough situation and at least for me, sad that they aren't the inlaws you may have always dreamed about. But, you got the man of your dreams and that should be all that matters in the end.

First off, I'm so sorry your going through this.
I know it's hard, but when you have a good man (and from what you say he sounds like a good soul) you should keep him. I know from personal experience as well that family can really alter the 'chemistry' of a relationship. Too many voices can make anyone go crazy!
It sounds like his family is very protective because they know he is such a good guy and at the same time- he is very vulnerable to bad things financially and probably emotionally. What was his relationship with his past gf like? There are two sides to every story and I know it m ay be hard and extremely unpleseant but, you need to confront the situation.
At this point, you sound like your done with this situation and you have been going through these hardships for a while now...since your considering leaving him anyway I suggest you put it all out on the table. No matter how hard it is for you, no matter how much they don't like it I say you should approach them head on.
I wouldn't confront more than 2 people at a time bc it may get overwhelming but I would say do it in pairs like- if your FMIL is the 'instigator' then approach her with you FFIL and then his sister along with her husband (women tend to be nicer and more controlled in front of their hubbys) and so on...and so forth.

If in the end you walk away knowing that nothing was acoomplished, at least you walk away knowing you tried.

Weddings can put a lot of stress on a family- some more than others. It sounds like you FH is very loved by you and his family- everyone just has to learn how to 'share' the love.

I know it will be hard but, well worth the peice of mind.

Good Luck to you.

im sooo sorry you have to go through this!!!! we are here for you!!!!!!!!!!!! its so upsetting. but like a poster above said, you may not have the in-laws you dreamed of, but you have the man of your dreams. i have to say that i totally agree with your FH, that what goes on in your private life should stay there and nothing should interfer with that- however, its destroying your relationship, your FH has to be on your side and stick up for you, so after two years, its about time he did! you should throw it all out on the table and get it all out with him first (so you guys are on the same page) and then his family. his family is always going to be there, they are never going to go away, but they have to understand that you are a part of his life and will be in the same room alot and they need to be civil. there is no need for rude sarcastic comments ever.
if you cant imagine your life without him, fight- but in a civil way.
i hope you were able to get some sleep.

Oh honey I am so sorry. Unfortunately I feel a lot of us always dreamed of having nice in-laws and the perfect relationship, but most of us don't. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! If you can sit down and write these words on LIW, then you know how to express yourself emotionally. Have you shared these exact thoughts and feelings with FH? I can only relate this to my FH, and sometimes when I tell him things I know it affects him, but he still doesn't show me the same emotion. That happens A LOT when it comes to his family (which is totally screwed up). His SF and his new wife are so selfish and I think could care less about my FH.

I don't think you should walk away, b/c you are giving him an easy out. Not b/c he doesn't want to be with you, but b/c he doesn't want to deal with conflict. I'm sorry, but MARRIAGE is all about communication. He must understand that although that has been his family all this time, in a few short months he will be starting his own family with you. How can he just let them walk all over you knowing how important you are to him? Talk to him and tell him that it's time he took a stand! Don't put it all on him, say 'hey I know I've let my emotions get to me and have said some things I prob shouldn't have to your family, but I feel like things have gotten way blown out of proportion b/c I'm alone in this when it should be us standing up for our relationship.'

Good Luck, and stay strong! This is a test of the strength of your bond....don't let anybody break you down!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Don't walk away now, because maybe this is something that is fixable. I think you should talk to FH and explain how this is making you feel- even if you think he already knows. Let him know that it is making you question everything, and that it is putting you in a bad spot.

Ultimately, if you want to marry him, I think he needs to tell his family to stop all of this. Asking him to stick up for you IS NOT making him choose, it is asking him to stick up for you so that both you and his family can live in relative peace.

The world will never be all shiney & happy, but I feel there should at least be help from FH to help rectify this situation.

We talked and he just keeping saying ' this is my family and this is how they are'. Causing a big argument isn't going to change things.

So, what am I supposed to do? He won't stand up for me, and he just thinks I need a thicker skin.

i really just don't see a future anymore. I have reached a breaking point and cannot go on like this. Yes, I love FH. But I also know I am setting myself up for a lifetime of heartbreak if he refuses to stand up to his family. I was able to deal with his debt and stuff even though he hid alot of that from me. I forgave him for that because I always thought he would be in my corner in the bad times.

I will not make him choose. I just think I need to bow out. I really appreciate the advice. But I just have accepted the reality of the situation

I ammmm sooo sorry you are going through this. I don't think you should give up, but maybe take a break if you can. I agree with many other posters here, and we've all been in complicated situations before, you can't give up. However, if you move out a while or put some difference there and let him understand how important this is to you and your future together....he will feel it in your distance. My friend went through something like this, had the serious sit down, parents and all, told him its basically all or nothing, pulled away...she never did this before...not even 3 days and he KNEW she was serious. He cleaned up his act, and stepped up for her. I'm sure you know you can vent all you want here...if we can help we will. But don't have any regrets. Make sure you exhaust all of your options first. You have a lot of added stress with the wedding planning, etc., so it can be a lot ot handle right now. Think on it...sleep on it. Let us know what happens....

He doesn't need to choose, I don't think. He does need to talk to his family. You are his chosen family, and the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He needs to speak with his family and explain this to them. Maybe they won't ever like you, but they have a lot of nerve to not even be civil toward you, and FH should be a lot more upset than he is about that. It sounds like he doesn't want to rock the boat with his family, which on one hand is a good thing since it means he is not a hothead or a drama queen ... but if he allows them to speak to and about you like that ... that's a bad thing. He needs to put his foot down with his family, talk to them and tell them that it is unacceptable for them to treat you this way ... just as he would probably tell you if the roles were reversed. Whether it is chosen or blood family holding people together should not matter.

I think the most important thing here is that your FH has not put his foot down with his family, and if he does not do it now, he won't ever do it, and you will never be able to resolve the fighting. Like I said, your relationship with his family might not ever be perfect ... but it will only get worse if they systematically talk to and treat you this way, and by your FH allowing it, his family will only continue to think it's OK.

Speak to your FH, and tell him that he needs to speak with his family. It's the only way.

My heart breaks for you reading this. I have the opposite problem. I love FH's family more than my own.
However, I asked myself what I would do.

I'd hate to break up with him but if he does not fight for you now, what will the future be like?
On the other hand, why let them drive you away and win?
Has he had this problem with past girlfriends?

Have you tried, without FH knowing, to sit with them and talk?
Maybe they have this misperception of you or are just miserable people?
How do the males treat you?
If it's just the females, I think it's jealousy.

I am so sorry for you! This is such a crappy, awful situation to be in. You are not alone.

Does your FH know you are considering walking away from everything because you can not deal anymore? He does not need to choose you or them, but he should stand up for the woman he loves or he is going to be alone. And from what it sounds like, his family will drive any and everyone away. He asked you to marry him dispite his family's opinions. He has already choosen you over them. I agree with the poster above -- lay everything out on the table, you have nothing to lose if you are willing to walk away. And you should do it, in pairs, with your FH by your side. That way they know, it is unacceptable to treat you this way.

After reading your posts, I really feel for you. I can only imagine how difficult all of this may be. I think that your FH really needs to realize that he is in a way responisble for how his family views you. That is extremly unfair to you. It seems like he is saying,'this is just how my family is' to avoid having to tell them the truth about his debts. Obviously, you both love one another very much but it is important that one marries someone that will always be by their side. It doesn't mean that he has to rid his family off but he should be standing up for you and protecting you in a sense. What about when kids come into the picture...things will only become more difficult. If I were you, I would set up some sort of intervention or family meeting. I am sure you want to have a good relationship with everyone and his family REALLY needs to know the truth so things can be mended.

Something needs to be done. It may take time for your FH to come along and agree to this. See if he will at least speak to a counselor or something so that he can come to a point where is ready to confront them. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a marriage that will only continue in this way. You are now protecting him and in return, getting the brunt of it from his fam. This is not something that will just go away.

I know I just wrote a ton but if theres one point I am really trying to stress its that this will not go away. A lot of people have issues with confrontation and working on that is the only way to ensure that this will not be an issue later on. Until your FH learns how to communicate with his fam, problems will always be there. I always root for love but not at the expense of my sanity. Good luck to you.

I wanted to throw in the perspective of someone who has been married for almost 3 years and together with her hubby 12 years total and a recent mom....

If you are having these kind of issues now and he does not stand up for you, then this is something that will snowball and get worse. As his future wife he needs to be able to side with you no matter what. If he is too 'proud' to let his family know why things are the way they are, then he is basically saying he rather his family think horrible things about you rather than think poorly of him.....not good in my book. I would never allow ANYONE to bash my hubby and he wouldn't let anyone do it to me either. It sounds to me like you are putting in alot of effort, helping with his debt but that he just wants you to accept how his family treats you.

Think of it this way, what if you guys decide to have kids? I like my ILs but having a baby makes that dynamic so much harder. What if his family wants to take the baby for the weekend? Most moms have a hard time leaving their babies with their own mom let alone someone like you described. Would he allow them to speak to you in this way in front of your kids? Alot of questions that seem so far out into the future but things that need to be thought about and brought up to him. There is a long life after the wedding...so I applaud you for thinking ahead and really trying to figure out if you are doing the right thing. I am truly sorry you are dealing with this.

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Posted by xcalystax

I wanted to throw in the perspective of someone who has been married for almost 3 years and together with her hubby 12 years total and a recent mom....

If you are having these kind of issues now and he does not stand up for you, then this is something that will snowball and get worse. As his future wife he needs to be able to side with you no matter what. If he is too 'proud' to let his family know why things are the way they are, then he is basically saying he rather his family think horrible things about you rather than think poorly of him.....not good in my book. I would never allow ANYONE to bash my hubby and he wouldn't let anyone do it to me either. It sounds to me like you are putting in alot of effort, helping with his debt but that he just wants you to accept how his family treats you.

Think of it this way, what if you guys decide to have kids? I like my ILs but having a baby makes that dynamic so much harder. What if his family wants to take the baby for the weekend? Most moms have a hard time leaving their babies with their own mom let alone someone like you described. Would he allow them to speak to you in this way in front of your kids? Alot of questions that seem so far out into the future but things that need to be thought about and brought up to him. There is a long life after the wedding...so I applaud you for thinking ahead and really trying to figure out if you are doing the right thing. I am truly sorry you are dealing with this.

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This was so well said and a great point of view. Ive been reading your post for the past two days and I didnt have any good first hand advice for you unfortunately but I think this makes some excellent points. I wish you the best of luck, really!!

I have been reading your posts for the past two days and my heart goes out to you.

On the one hand, love conquers everything - or at least it should.
If you love each other, that is enough.
But the reality is that he IS extremely close to his family and they are a part of your life whether you like it or not.

You can either talk to him, AND his family. Talking to him about how much it hurts you to go through this and that you NEED him to stand up for you (it could be a simple matter of him not putting up or listening to anyone who has to say bad things about you - walking away from that convo) - and talking to his family too - letting them know that you have had your differences in the past, but you love him, and he loves you and that you are going to be his life. Let them know that you know how important they are in his life too. If you both love him that much, then you should all make a genuine effort to put the past behind you and start anew.

If this cannot be done, then you need to choose - whether you can live with this or not. This is not about being selfless and giving him up to his family. He made the conscious decision to marry you so don't try to choose FOR him.
Choose for yourself. Can you be with him for the rest of your life, despite these encounters ? Is it worth it to you ?

Best of luck. I hope it all works out.