Ladies, I took out a new account so I can talk annonymously.
FH and I had a huge fight tonight. Major fight. I am on the couch right now because I cannot bear to be next to him at the moment. I know I should not have left the room and he begged me to come back in but I just need some time to clear my head.
I do not think I can continue in this relationship. I feel like FH would just be happier if I was no longer a part of his life.
There was some major drama with his family today, and I know for a fact they all hate me and talk about me behind my back. I cannot ask him to choose, but I can no longer suffer silently while they ignore me and treat me like pond scum. Everything I say and do is twisted around and they call him to complain. No one will speak to me about it despite my many attempts to get to the bottom of why they feel this way.
I have tried so hard to be nice, and I am not innocent in all this, but I can no longer go on like this. When I try to defend myself, like today, things only got so very much worse. Now no one is speaking to me, and FH is torn. And all he wants is for everyone to get along but he is unwilling to get in the middle and try to smooth things out. He will do anything to avoid and confrontation with anybody.
This is his family. I cannot make him choose. I just feel like it will all be better if I just call the whole thing off, break up with him, and let him be with his family. I am willing to do that because I see how much this all upsets him. It seems like every problem in his life right now would just go away.
I love him and want to fight for us. But I have spent the past 2 out of 6 years trying to find a reasonable solution to all this (it wasn't always this bad) and it keeps getting worse. It should not be this hard. I cannot keep going like this. I have no more fight left in me.
He loves his family and they mean the world to him. I am not going to make him choose. So I feel like I should just bow out and let them win. I am crying as I write this because I am so utterly heartbroken.
Has anyone ever felt this way. I know it is so stupid, that if you love someone you should fight for them. But I have spent the past 2 years trying and it is only getting worse. I love him too much to keep putting him through this.
lolalovesacroat
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
My heart really goes out to you but I also feel so bad for your FH.
Are you sure he does not defend you? Most men, my Fh including never defends me in front fo someone bc it is not his style. He takes them aside and defends me.
Can you sit down with someone from his family and discuss that you both love him and you do not want it to ruin your marriage.
I know tons of people who do not talk to the inlaws for various reason. They just turn a blind eye but when children come along things change. Sometimes it gets better other times it gets worse.
For example my mom cant stand her mother in law(my grandma)for various reasons. My mom complains and nags to my dad, his simple response is She is my mother.
I think the best thing to do is to sit with his family and talk, I mean 6 years is a very long time and breaking up is not a solution, bc it just shows that his family won this battle.
Best of luck!
clarkej5284
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
Hi, I'm sorry for your situation. I just watched a show called Outlaw In-Laws, and it had a couple who described your situation except the couple was married and had a baby. His parents kept criticizing her and he never stood up for her. They also wanted him at their house all the time instead of doing the stuff for his own family. He never wanted to create conflict.
So this advice expert comes and works with the family and helps them understand what's wrong with the communication and how to talk to each other.
Maybe you can nominate your family or get a therapist to come work it out.
I think you need to have a neutral third-party. Good luck with whatever you decide.
maybebride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
I don't care if 'they win'. To me this is not a game.
Alot of you say I should talk to FH, but I do talk to him ALL THE TIME. I tell him everything I think and feel about this. How hurt I am. How uncomfortable I am. How unfair this all is.
He says 'well, I tell them to be nice to you but I cannot control what they say.' I told him of course he cannot control what they say, but he could tell them the truth so maybe they would realize the whole story. I mean, his sister once tried to tell him that maybe I was cheating on him because of how often I was out of the house.
My job involves client contact. Sometimes that means lunches and dinners. Sometimes that means I have to travel to offices around the country. And they are so totally against all of this and believe a good woman should be at home with her man.
And I know FH trusts me, and he says he loved how good I am at my job and that he is proud of me. But when his sister says things like that, he doesn't come to my defense. He says 'be nice', which is not the same as 'you are wrong, and stop spreading lies.' he doesn't confront them and tell them he will not put up with this anymore.
All he ever says is 'be nice' and 'let's try to get along.' He never comes to my defense to tell them the truth about why I work so much, and how he works to little and is in debt.
I think alot about this in terms of my job. Once, a client berated an admin over the phone for about 20 minutes. She had made an easily fixable mistake on some paperwork and he flipped on her. I didn't realize it happened until I went into the bathroom and saw her and 2 admins talking while she was in tears. I talked to my manager about the whole thing and we agreed that no matter how important a client was, we were not going to allow them to speak to people on our staff like that.
2 days later this client sent the admin flowers and card with a hand-written apology.
I think about that alot right now. My manager didn't call the client and say 'we'd really like you to be nicer to our employees'. He told him in no uncertain terms that that kind of behavior would simply not be tolerated and if it ever happened again we would terminate their account.
If my manager was willing to put a couple million dollars on the line for an admin, why can't FH put his pride on the line for the woman he wants as a wife?
I am verry sorry you are going through this but what you are thinking is probably true. It sounds as though you have put alot on the line for him and that he is unable to swallow his pride and tell his family the truth. You don't want to wake up in 20 years and wonder why you've continued to put up with this. My heart goes out to you and all you are going through. It will get better
caligirl87
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
Hunny, I think you know what you have to do. I see it in every post. Hang in there! If you need anything at all please FM. If you need to vent or cry or just to talk...
Cassie15
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
I understand how you feel and I can relate to that feeling because I've been there myself many times with my husband's family before our wedding. Like many brides pointed out, this marriage is about you and your FH not his family. Although, marrying to him will in long term become a consequent of a life-long commitment to his family since you will see them from time to time. However, they will not be part of your daily life the way you would with your FH. His family will always put you to test and test you to see how committed you are to be part of his life and family as well. If you give up now, you will give up everything that you and your FH has worked or fought for which is the fact that you both love each other. And you will also prove to his family that they were right about you. Be committed to your relationship with your FH, do not let his family or anyone salvage everything that you both had to this point. If you love your FH, you should be determined to find a way to work through the ups and downs. I know, it gets tiring, I've been there and sometimes there is so much that one can fight alone. If you were to flip the situation around and let's say your family dislike your FH, would he expect you to chose your family over him & walk out of the relationship? If the answer is No, then you shouldn't narrow it down to those choices- either he defends you and create a tension with the rest of his family or he lets you walk away and presumably take his family's side. You can however try these two approaches which has proven to be effective in most cases: 1) Arrange to meet with your mother-in-law and have an openly one on one talk with her. Discuss everything that bothers you- 'I feel..., etc. Don't use 'You' or it'll turn confrontational. Let her know what you would like to see or improve in terms of your relationship with their family. 2) Ignore the whole thing, get married and only show up when you have to for family dinners, etc. Say your brief hello and goodbyes.---> This is not effective resolution but at that point, his family will see that you are married and you will be part of the family. NO IF's, And's or But's will change that fact. Hopefully, through time they will learn to accept you and gradually let you become part of their life. Best of luck!
Liv123
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
Posted by maybebride
I don't care if 'they win'. To me this is not a game.
Alot of you say I should talk to FH, but I do talk to him ALL THE TIME. I tell him everything I think and feel about this. How hurt I am. How uncomfortable I am. How unfair this all is.
He says 'well, I tell them to be nice to you but I cannot control what they say.' I told him of course he cannot control what they say, but he could tell them the truth so maybe they would realize the whole story. I mean, his sister once tried to tell him that maybe I was cheating on him because of how often I was out of the house.
My job involves client contact. Sometimes that means lunches and dinners. Sometimes that means I have to travel to offices around the country. And they are so totally against all of this and believe a good woman should be at home with her man.
And I know FH trusts me, and he says he loved how good I am at my job and that he is proud of me. But when his sister says things like that, he doesn't come to my defense. He says 'be nice', which is not the same as 'you are wrong, and stop spreading lies.' he doesn't confront them and tell them he will not put up with this anymore.
All he ever says is 'be nice' and 'let's try to get along.' He never comes to my defense to tell them the truth about why I work so much, and how he works to little and is in debt.
I think alot about this in terms of my job. Once, a client berated an admin over the phone for about 20 minutes. She had made an easily fixable mistake on some paperwork and he flipped on her. I didn't realize it happened until I went into the bathroom and saw her and 2 admins talking while she was in tears. I talked to my manager about the whole thing and we agreed that no matter how important a client was, we were not going to allow them to speak to people on our staff like that.
2 days later this client sent the admin flowers and card with a hand-written apology.
I think about that alot right now. My manager didn't call the client and say 'we'd really like you to be nicer to our employees'. He told him in no uncertain terms that that kind of behavior would simply not be tolerated and if it ever happened again we would terminate their account.
If my manager was willing to put a couple million dollars on the line for an admin, why can't FH put his pride on the line for the woman he wants as a wife?
Your last post says it all. This isn't about his family. It's about him. He doesn't defend you. He just tells everyone to play nice. There is a difference. I also think that you are not asking for much - you want him to defend you, not FIGHT with them about you. There is a huge difference. If he isn't willing to stick up for you now, what are the chances that he will in the future ? (real question - not rhetorical) - You need to determine whether you are okay with it - if you are willing to sacrifice that to be with him.
BeLissa
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
Posted by Liv123
Posted by maybebride
I don't care if 'they win'. To me this is not a game.
Alot of you say I should talk to FH, but I do talk to him ALL THE TIME. I tell him everything I think and feel about this. How hurt I am. How uncomfortable I am. How unfair this all is.
He says 'well, I tell them to be nice to you but I cannot control what they say.' I told him of course he cannot control what they say, but he could tell them the truth so maybe they would realize the whole story. I mean, his sister once tried to tell him that maybe I was cheating on him because of how often I was out of the house.
My job involves client contact. Sometimes that means lunches and dinners. Sometimes that means I have to travel to offices around the country. And they are so totally against all of this and believe a good woman should be at home with her man.
And I know FH trusts me, and he says he loved how good I am at my job and that he is proud of me. But when his sister says things like that, he doesn't come to my defense. He says 'be nice', which is not the same as 'you are wrong, and stop spreading lies.' he doesn't confront them and tell them he will not put up with this anymore.
All he ever says is 'be nice' and 'let's try to get along.' He never comes to my defense to tell them the truth about why I work so much, and how he works to little and is in debt.
I think alot about this in terms of my job. Once, a client berated an admin over the phone for about 20 minutes. She had made an easily fixable mistake on some paperwork and he flipped on her. I didn't realize it happened until I went into the bathroom and saw her and 2 admins talking while she was in tears. I talked to my manager about the whole thing and we agreed that no matter how important a client was, we were not going to allow them to speak to people on our staff like that.
2 days later this client sent the admin flowers and card with a hand-written apology.
I think about that alot right now. My manager didn't call the client and say 'we'd really like you to be nicer to our employees'. He told him in no uncertain terms that that kind of behavior would simply not be tolerated and if it ever happened again we would terminate their account.
If my manager was willing to put a couple million dollars on the line for an admin, why can't FH put his pride on the line for the woman he wants as a wife?
Your last post says it all. This isn't about his family. It's about him. He doesn't defend you. He just tells everyone to play nice. There is a difference. I also think that you are not asking for much - you want him to defend you, not FIGHT with them about you. There is a huge difference. If he isn't willing to stick up for you now, what are the chances that he will in the future ? (real question - not rhetorical) - You need to determine whether you are okay with it - if you are willing to sacrifice that to be with him.
I completely agree with this. Your last post sounds like you are confident in how you feel and know what you want to do although its a tough decision. And you bring up a really good point with your work reference. I understand wanting to keep the peace, but theres nothing i hate more than someone who avoids confrontation so much so to the point where issues become worse and worse because they simply refuse to face them and talk. You're not asking him to fight with his family about it - a simple 'i refuse to hear you speak about my future wife this way and i wont tolerate it anymore' drives the point home a bit more than 'be nice'. He is trying to appease you both so that his family doesnt find out about his problem, but in actuality he's throwing you under the bus to do so. and while hes not 'siding' with them in their feelings towards you, he's certainly not backing you up. Its unacceptable.
nraboni
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
Honestly, I think you know what you need to do. It will be one of the hardest things for you to do but you know in your heart and soul that you cannot live like this and no one should have to live like this.
He should be a man and stand up for you and be on your side. Telling his family to 'be nice' and 'try to get along' is ridiculous and cowardly. This is something that is never going to change. You have been dealing with it for 6 years and will continue to deal with this for the rest of your life. You have to think about down the line when you have children and how things are going to be then. Will he continue to not stand up for how you want to raise your children? Because you know that they will have something to say about that too. Will he allow them to speak to you that way in front of your children? And if that does happen and he doesnt stand up for you then that is only teaching your children that it is ok to treat a person that way. I think if you do continue this relationship and you do have children and all of the above happens you will leave him and then it's a messier situation because now children are involved and you will be connected to that family forever.
Bow out now while you can and deal with the pain and the anger and the sorrow that will come. It will be easier now then when children are involved.
lolalovesacroat
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very Upset and I need help
Posted by Liv123
Posted by maybebride
I don't care if 'they win'. To me this is not a game.
Alot of you say I should talk to FH, but I do talk to him ALL THE TIME. I tell him everything I think and feel about this. How hurt I am. How uncomfortable I am. How unfair this all is.
He says 'well, I tell them to be nice to you but I cannot control what they say.' I told him of course he cannot control what they say, but he could tell them the truth so maybe they would realize the whole story. I mean, his sister once tried to tell him that maybe I was cheating on him because of how often I was out of the house.
My job involves client contact. Sometimes that means lunches and dinners. Sometimes that means I have to travel to offices around the country. And they are so totally against all of this and believe a good woman should be at home with her man.
And I know FH trusts me, and he says he loved how good I am at my job and that he is proud of me. But when his sister says things like that, he doesn't come to my defense. He says 'be nice', which is not the same as 'you are wrong, and stop spreading lies.' he doesn't confront them and tell them he will not put up with this anymore.
All he ever says is 'be nice' and 'let's try to get along.' He never comes to my defense to tell them the truth about why I work so much, and how he works to little and is in debt.
I think alot about this in terms of my job. Once, a client berated an admin over the phone for about 20 minutes. She had made an easily fixable mistake on some paperwork and he flipped on her. I didn't realize it happened until I went into the bathroom and saw her and 2 admins talking while she was in tears. I talked to my manager about the whole thing and we agreed that no matter how important a client was, we were not going to allow them to speak to people on our staff like that.
2 days later this client sent the admin flowers and card with a hand-written apology.
I think about that alot right now. My manager didn't call the client and say 'we'd really like you to be nicer to our employees'. He told him in no uncertain terms that that kind of behavior would simply not be tolerated and if it ever happened again we would terminate their account.
If my manager was willing to put a couple million dollars on the line for an admin, why can't FH put his pride on the line for the woman he wants as a wife?
Your last post says it all. This isn't about his family. It's about him. He doesn't defend you. He just tells everyone to play nice. There is a difference. I also think that you are not asking for much - you want him to defend you, not FIGHT with them about you. There is a huge difference. If he isn't willing to stick up for you now, what are the chances that he will in the future ? (real question - not rhetorical) - You need to determine whether you are okay with it - if you are willing to sacrifice that to be with him.
I agree I am sorry that I wrote that they won but I agree with post this bc your problem is with him, not his family.
If he is in debt and his family doesnt know then I think that is major problem with him.You work hard for yourself and for him, if they dont realize that then what type of people are they?
Reality is that you cant along with these people and his solution of being nice is not a solution.
