Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

Jan60504 Posted: May 23, 2003 12:35 AM

Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

First, let me say, this has nothing to do with FI and me. We are so happy together and very much in love and I have no doubts or reservations about marrying him. But...
As I'm sure you've seen, I've posted a few things about my FIL's and some problems they have been giving us. Well, they don't or rather choose not to speak English, so they fight with FI about all of it. I don't even know what's going on half the time. Well, the fighting between the FIL's and FI has become incessant and I'm afraid it's really taking a toll on him. His family has become increasingly more rude and nasty to both me and my family as time passes. See, the problem is they didn't really want him to marry me because I'm not from their country in fact they tried to break us up several times throughout our relationship (and always failed). Now it seems that they have decided to really go all out. They have even gone so far as to tell FI that he is turning his back on his family and he will no longer be a part of them anymore! FI is torn! His family left him in 'their country' when he was 7 and he finally got to come here when he was 14. Even when he came here they didn't take him in - they put him in a basement apartment! FI has been trying desperately to be a part of his family ever since he was a little boy.

Jan60504 Posted: May 23, 2003 12:35 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

Continued...
All they do is hurt him. Now they are fighting about everything and saying all these things to him - it's going to be a division between him and his family. I'm starting to wonder how much of this he can take. I don't want him to give up our relationship (I KNOW he loves me and is very happy - we both are) because his family is doing this to him. I also don't want him to be miserable because he's torn apart from the family he's been trying for so many years to finally be a part of. I'm so upset! I just don't know what to do or how to help. The only thing I've done wrong is be an American. I can't change that, nor would I for the world! Someone help!!! Anyone else having problems like this??? I need a support group!

swags1016 Posted: May 23, 2003 12:39 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

I am sooooo sorry! I don't even know what to say to help you. Is there anyone in FI's family that can step in on your behalf? Is he still close with the relatives that he stayed with for the 7 years that his parents were here and he was there? What do they say?

Have faith in your love. I know it is hard and hurtful but remember that you and FI are building a new family.

julybride444 Posted: May 23, 2003 12:41 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

Talk to your FI. What does he want? How is he feeling? Talk to him, he will be your support. And, perhaps a couples counselor couldn't hurt. You are both planning to stay in NY when they move to FL right?

edited to add sympathy :)

yabbobay Posted: May 23, 2003 12:41 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

I'm so sorry that FH is in this situation...but it sounds like his family put a burden on him long before you were with him...

think romeo and juliet (but forget the part where they die at the end)

maybe you can have your family 'adopt' him and be the loving family that he might be longing for...

my father never had a son...and loves to tell DH war stories...and my MIL never had a daughter, so she treats me like a princess...perhaps your family can do this for your FH...

Jan60504 Posted: May 23, 2003 12:47 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

yabbobay - My family has definitely taken him in. They have been his family for the past 5 years and love him like a son. FI has adopted them just as much as they have adopted him and it's really wonderful. He actually even lives with a family member of mine right now (to help us save for the wedding). Of course his family doesn't like that either. There was a HUGE scandal when he invited my parents to his college graduation - he really wanted them there because they have been his love and support system for all of his college years, but he had to go through hell to have them there even though his family would be there too! But FI calls my house and where my family is 'Home' but of course it will never take the place of his own family.

And yes, we are staying here when the family is all in FL. Tonight's incident actually came from him speaking to his sister who's already in FL though.

Scoop Posted: May 23, 2003 05:02 PM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

How terrible this must be for you and your fi. The only advice I can give is to continue to love each other and everything will work out. Maybe a small 'break' from his family will work. If you (meaning both of you) don't spreak or see them for a while, they may change their tune.

Good luck!

bride2be2004 Posted: May 23, 2003 07:01 PM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

i am so sorry to hear about your troubles. but if fi and you don't get married he still wouldn't be happy. it seems that his family has a problem that is bigger than your relationship. where are these ppl from? hopefully they will get over this.

prncssrachel Posted: May 23, 2003 11:57 PM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

You need to know that there is probably nothing that you or FH can do to change this situation. People like his family will constantly find something to use as an excuse for their lack of love and support. But depending on where they are from, it may be a cultural thing. It sounds like your FH will need to let go of his hopes for a 'family' with his blood relatives. You will both start your own family soon and know not to make the same mistakes. My father's family is very similar, and they moved to FL as soon as my parents were married. They are very negative people and have always had minimal interest and investment in my father and my family. He adopted my mother's family as his own, but more importantly, his energy and love has gone to my mother, my sister and I, and he takes every opportunity to tell us that he loves us and that our family is the most important thing in the world to him. I think you and FH need to take a step back from his family and move forward with your lives together. I wish you so much luck, and I know in my heart that in time, you and FH will make the most of a bad situation and make it work for you in the end!

Bacardi527 Posted: May 24, 2003 12:31 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

WELL SAID!!!

deby Posted: May 24, 2003 02:43 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

endlessluv429 Posted: May 24, 2003 09:57 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

you have FM!

Thrilled Posted: May 24, 2003 01:11 PM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

I can only offer you hugs and an ear. THis is a very difficult situation. Best of luck!

shigrl517 Posted: May 26, 2003 01:09 AM

Re: Very upset! Starting to get nervous about my relationship!

I was kind of in a similar situation- not with FH but with my ex. His family is from another country, and thye were very old-fashioned and into arranged marriages. His family did not like that he refused to marry who they picked, and when he starting dating an American, his parents disowned him. Of course he was hurt, but he wanted true love. And he felt that it shouldn't matter what nationality you are- love is love. And if his family could not see thta and support him, then he did not want them around. He still has contact, but very little, and does not regret his decision at all- he is happy.