Waying all the options (long)

Forgive me for venting. I'm stressed out about money. Could use a place to vent and deal with my concerns. To have a wedding, to elope, to get a marriage license at town hall and have a ceremony/reception at a better time - and if so accept that it may not happen.

I've been living with FH for over 2 years now, our families do the holidays together, we live our lives like a married couple and are very much in love. I have a beautiful e-ring from the days when money wasn't much of an issue. Now things are different. FH was laid off from a job for 7 months, found a new job for painfully less than he was making, but with good opportunity for him to get into management - which now he is working toward getting and they will pick first picks in June. I left an intolerable job back in January, was recently denied unemployment and will begin a waitressing job after May 17 - I'm taking a Real Estate class, and the restaurant wants to start my training when my schedule will allow for me to be consistent. So I have things lined up, but I'm not sure how it will work out and how fast the cash will come in. So money's tight. I'm just getting by paying my bills now thanks to my tax refund, but when that runs out waitressing better pay off.

We bought a house 2 years ago and as much as it has been great and has even produced some equity - it's also produced some financial burdens - obviously a mortgage, but also a pipe breaks here, a fridge needs to be replaced there, etc. My bathrooms falling apart and I want a new kitchen like there's no tomorrow, we need a new roof, we killed our front lawn, etc. I know this is the pains of home ownership, but it's hard when you are also wanting a wedding as well. It was decided that FH will probably not pay anything toward the wedding b/c he needs to pay our mortgage, which I cannot afford to contribute to.

Okay, so that's the money part of my issues. With that, I also add... I have a very small family. In NY I have a mom, a dad, a sister, 1 cousin (and her husband), 1 uncle. I have cousins down in FL, but they never come up to NY and I wouldn't be surprised if they were unable to come up for the wedding anyway. My FL cousin has her hands very full with a newborn and she doesn't really have anyone to watch her VERY young kids for her while she's at a wedding in NY - we weren't going to invite kids outside the wedding party and her's would be too young anyway. I don't even feel like my parents care anymore anyway. They are contributing a little bit to the cost, but it's still going to cost me some cash. The wedding band I want alone will cost about $5k! But it goes nice with my e-ring which is crazy fancy - get a plain band anyway????

As for friends... I have one good friend... my best friend that's it! I moved around a lot in my 20's - like to other states... and made friends, lost friends, failed to stay in touch with people, etc. My best friend/MOH should we have the whole wedding thing is about to have her first baby at the end of May. If I were to elope on an island somewhere - I would definitely want her and her hubby there since they have always been so uplifting to FH and I even when the cards were down. I'm thrilled that they are having a baby, but also know that this will change our relationship and that the thought of them joining us for our elopement would be impossible - doubt they would leave a baby or even a 1 year old if it were next year as planned for friends who are eloping far away.

Another acquaintance who got married recently told me that if she were to do it all again she would not have waisted the money on the wedding, it was crazy expensive and she was short changed big time by some of her guests when it came to recouping via gifts. She's in her 40's so I feel like she's a bit wiser than I in this kind of thing. She totally encouraged me to think about going away and getting married. FH is open to all ideas, but the concept of spending any money right now stresses him out. It made talk of a happy occassion - not so happy. So I stopped talking about it so much and now when it does come up - he's not so unhappy.

So what to do? It's not like I have a ton of friends and family who are so excited to see me walk down an aisle. FH has more friends and family than I do - do I wait another year or 2 to save the money up just to walk down an aisle to a bunch of people I couldn't care less about looking upon me? Or do I just keep it something special and sacred between FH and I and make it romantic as possible on a beach in the Bahamas - just the 2 of us? Is it really any cheaper to get married in the Bahamas if my p's are contributing a little anyway? Plus, FH has a son from a previous marriage who I am blessed in that he LOVES me and LOVES the idea of us getting married. It may break his heart not to be involved in the wedding b/c we eloped. I'm lucky enough to have a step child who likes me - I know that is not always the case in a lot of families. Then again, I hate to say it, probably child support is another reason we don't have money - so do we continue to put a wedding on hold over money?

The problem is that after living together for so long I want the respect of his family as being part of his family and I want the same from my family toward FH. I feel like that is lacking horribly. It's like we are still only a 'possiblity' rather than a reality. I also 'play' step mother to Fh's child - willingly - but still I'm not really his step mother b/c I'm not really FH's wife. I just don't feel respected by his family and I don't feel my famiy respects FH the way I feel they all will toward us once we are married - that's why in some ways I just opt for a license ASAP and then if/when things aren't as tight financially we'd have a wedding. I just have a feeling - there'd never really be enough money for it so it would never happen. Could I live with never having a wedding? Does this even matter to a woman in her early 30's already who wants to have kids before 35 y.o.? What's more important when you are struggling with money. A wedding will only be another set back in the cash area of our lives. Any thoughts?

wow!!

can you live with aloping now... or having a small ceremony where you invite loved ones, and then maybe a little bit down the line, having a vow renewal???

Family friends of ours got married in Vegas alone, and then saved up and about a year later had a nice decent wedding....

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Posted by Mrs.Ptobe

Forgive me for venting. I'm stressed out about money. Could use a place to vent and deal with my concerns. To have a wedding, to elope, to get a marriage license at town hall and have a ceremony/reception at a better time - and if so accept that it may not happen.

I've been living with FH for over 2 years now, our families do the holidays together, we live our lives like a married couple and are very much in love. I have a beautiful e-ring from the days when money wasn't much of an issue. Now things are different. FH was laid off from a job for 7 months, found a new job for painfully less than he was making, but with good opportunity for him to get into management - which now he is working toward getting and they will pick first picks in June. I left an intolerable job back in January, was recently denied unemployment and will begin a waitressing job after May 17 - I'm taking a Real Estate class, and the restaurant wants to start my training when my schedule will allow for me to be consistent. So I have things lined up, but I'm not sure how it will work out and how fast the cash will come in. So money's tight. I'm just getting by paying my bills now thanks to my tax refund, but when that runs out waitressing better pay off.

We bought a house 2 years ago and as much as it has been great and has even produced some equity - it's also produced some financial burdens - obviously a mortgage, but also a pipe breaks here, a fridge needs to be replaced there, etc. My bathrooms falling apart and I want a new kitchen like there's no tomorrow, we need a new roof, we killed our front lawn, etc. I know this is the pains of home ownership, but it's hard when you are also wanting a wedding as well. It was decided that FH will probably not pay anything toward the wedding b/c he needs to pay our mortgage, which I cannot afford to contribute to.

Okay, so that's the money part of my issues. With that, I also add... I have a very small family. In NY I have a mom, a dad, a sister, 1 cousin (and her husband), 1 uncle. I have cousins down in FL, but they never come up to NY and I wouldn't be surprised if they were unable to come up for the wedding anyway. My FL cousin has her hands very full with a newborn and she doesn't really have anyone to watch her VERY young kids for her while she's at a wedding in NY - we weren't going to invite kids outside the wedding party and her's would be too young anyway. I don't even feel like my parents care anymore anyway. They are contributing a little bit to the cost, but it's still going to cost me some cash. The wedding band I want alone will cost about $5k! But it goes nice with my e-ring which is crazy fancy - get a plain band anyway????

As for friends... I have one good friend... my best friend that's it! I moved around a lot in my 20's - like to other states... and made friends, lost friends, failed to stay in touch with people, etc. My best friend/MOH should we have the whole wedding thing is about to have her first baby at the end of May. If I were to elope on an island somewhere - I would definitely want her and her hubby there since they have always been so uplifting to FH and I even when the cards were down. I'm thrilled that they are having a baby, but also know that this will change our relationship and that the thought of them joining us for our elopement would be impossible - doubt they would leave a baby or even a 1 year old if it were next year as planned for friends who are eloping far away.

Another acquaintance who got married recently told me that if she were to do it all again she would not have waisted the money on the wedding, it was crazy expensive and she was short changed big time by some of her guests when it came to recouping via gifts. She's in her 40's so I feel like she's a bit wiser than I in this kind of thing. She totally encouraged me to think about going away and getting married. FH is open to all ideas, but the concept of spending any money right now stresses him out. It made talk of a happy occassion - not so happy. So I stopped talking about it so much and now when it does come up - he's not so unhappy.

So what to do? It's not like I have a ton of friends and family who are so excited to see me walk down an aisle. FH has more friends and family than I do - do I wait another year or 2 to save the money up just to walk down an aisle to a bunch of people I couldn't care less about looking upon me? Or do I just keep it something special and sacred between FH and I and make it romantic as possible on a beach in the Bahamas - just the 2 of us? Is it really any cheaper to get married in the Bahamas if my p's are contributing a little anyway? Plus, FH has a son from a previous marriage who I am blessed in that he LOVES me and LOVES the idea of us getting married. It may break his heart not to be involved in the wedding b/c we eloped. I'm lucky enough to have a step child who likes me - I know that is not always the case in a lot of families. Then again, I hate to say it, probably child support is another reason we don't have money - so do we continue to put a wedding on hold over money?

The problem is that after living together for so long I want the respect of his family as being part of his family and I want the same from my family toward FH. I feel like that is lacking horribly. It's like we are still only a 'possiblity' rather than a reality. I also 'play' step mother to Fh's child - willingly - but still I'm not really his step mother b/c I'm not really FH's wife. I just don't feel respected by his family and I don't feel my famiy respects FH the way I feel they all will toward us once we are married - that's why in some ways I just opt for a license ASAP and then if/when things aren't as tight financially we'd have a wedding. I just have a feeling - there'd never really be enough money for it so it would never happen. Could I live with never having a wedding? Does this even matter to a woman in her early 30's already who wants to have kids before 35 y.o.? What's more important when you are struggling with money. A wedding will only be another set back in the cash area of our lives. Any thoughts?

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In all honesty, getting married in NYC is about $40. It's the wedding part that is ridiculously expensive. I've gone back & forth with the whole wedding thing for months and the more I research it, the more I want to elope.

My priorities are just different now although I was totally excited about the wedding at the beginning of this process.

If being 'officially' his wife is the most important thing to you, a ceremony with just you and FH will suffice. I don't think your family or friends will mind since they must know your financial situation. Unless one of them (or all of them) plans to pay for the wedding, they have no say in it anyway.

I already own my apartment in NY and we don't plan on buying a house in NYC anytime soon. So far, this is where all my money is going....... (although the wedding fund is still intact at ING).

Investment property in VA that will be sold ASAP

What it will look like finished


Windows in & roof started


Gargage


view from back - kitchen on left, chimney in center and master bedroom on right


another pic of the back


master bedroom (far right of house)


And possible rental property I put a bid on this past weekend while in VA.

You can always have a renewal ceremony later. I went to one for a couple that had been married for about 25 years

You should do what your heart says... this way you won't have any regrets later. You could have a very beautiful and inexpensive wedding that would make you, your FH, and step-son feel like you're formalizing and celebrating your family.

Good luck with whatever you decide!!

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Posted by Mrs.Ptobe

My thought is that even in the Bahamas it could cost thousands - or am I totally off? My p's won't contribute anything for an elopement and they still 'demand' some sort of party afterward with the cash they are contributing - ummm then doesn't it just make sense to just have a wedding? AHHH!

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I went to a wedding in the Bahamas (Nassau) last May and it was not expensive - under $4K I'm told. The bride's family lives in Nassau.

The wedding was at Nassau Beach Club by the pool and overlooking the beach. Almost everyone that flew down stayed at that hotel so the wedding was probably free. The reception was at Arawak Kay (sp?) which was tented and family members brought food.

ETA - there were about 75 people I think?

poolside/beach in background

AAHH, I feel for you. It is so tough living here, owning a home and trying to pay for a wedding. What is most important to you? Getting married or having a wedding? If it is getting married, then you can do that fairly inexpensively. Remember, you can always have a reception to celerbrate your marriage, whether it be in 6 months or 6 years from now. There is nothing wrong with waiting to have a reception until you can afford it comfortably. When you are in a more comfortable place financially, you can renew your vows so you can wear the dress and have the church and everything else you want.

You can also do a destination wedding fairly inexpensively especially if you choose an off season. We went to Sandals in Jamaica for our honeymoon in September and because it is hurricane season, we got everything for just over $3000.00. You can buy insurance really cheap, $80.00 pp, to protect your vacation against a hurrincane but the weather was wonderful when we were down there.

I hope this helps.

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Posted by teany

If you have a small group of family and friends anyway, who's to say you can't have a nice, small ceremony in a park somewhere and dinner at a nice restaurant (a la Steve and Miranda on SATC). Much more meaningful than just the two of you, IMO.

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What she said. Keep it simple and local so that people close to both of you can celebrate with you.

Put the $5K wedding band idea on hold for now; you can always get it later when you're not as stressed about money.

Its really what you and your FH feels 'is right.' Living in Virginia, I will tell you New Yorkers have a VERY different view of weddings than a lot of other people in the country. I grew up in Long Island, grew up with that kind of idea of what a wedding should be, but down here, they are small, 2 hour affairs and the couple is just as in love as if they would've spent $10K or more. Its hard to get out of that idea of what a wedding should look like and only you can answer that yourself. A lot of people elope and then have a reception when they come back. Like a backyard type of thing so that his son could be involved adn so could your MOH. Plus, a lot of people have renewal ceremonies that are often times more elaborate than the first.

As for teh wedding band, you 'll have separate camps on these. For me, I would get the more simple one and then upgrade in a few years when the $ is right. It is just a symbol of what you two have but if its just going to add stress to your finances then you may want to look at where you could spend that money elsewhere, all of this is just my opinion and you should do what makes you feel the most comfortable, something you won't regret, and what will feel 'right' as you are walking towards your FH.

My family would be very hurt if they were not at our wedding and if we eloped. I don't think your family means any harm, but the day that their children get married is a lot more important to them then some people give parents credit for.

Does someone in the family have a nice house with a big backyard? You could have it tented and catered, and you could have a judge come to the house to marry you? I'm not talking backyard barbeque wedding, I mean it can be done very nicely and cost $5k with servers, renting plates, etc.

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Posted by lilacwine

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Posted by teany

If you have a small group of family and friends anyway, who's to say you can't have a nice, small ceremony in a park somewhere and dinner at a nice restaurant (a la Steve and Miranda on SATC). Much more meaningful than just the two of you, IMO.

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What she said. Keep it simple and local so that people close to both of you can celebrate with you.

Put the $5K wedding band idea on hold for now; you can always get it later when you're not as stressed about money.

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ditto and ditto-
this is about your love- so just do a small family gathering- no need for dj, expensive flowers, etc...it will probably cost about the same as a rd.

I had a similar situation with regards to age and having a small family (and DH's family is out of state and did not come in for the wedding). But I would have been sorry if I hadn't done something, even if it was small.

There are places where you can have very small weddings- 30 or so people. If you don't want to spend on the big splashy affair (and I can understand that- I had about 70 people at my wedding) you can still have a small, intimate and lovely celebration. The daughter of a friend of my mom's is getting married at my hall, in one of the smaller rooms. The price is good and the food and service are excellent. Maybe look into something like that?

IMO, you can do something nice on a budget, especially if you keep it small.

Honestly, its a very hard decision to make. In all honesty, if I were to do it all over again ( and keep in mind I did not have a wedding yet) I would probably not do it, at least not this way. This whole wedding planning turned out to be an affair planning - not marriage.
I think I would much rather go to Hawaii, or something, invite family and closest friends that can come, and just get married there, and have a honeymoon there. It will be that much cheeper and so much less stressful! Also, I keep hearing from everyone that the day just goes by and you don't even notice it. My friends have to watch their video to remember what happend at their wedding. It all goes by so fast, and $$$$$$ later, you realize what a waiste it is.

Having said that, at least I had this experience to go through. I don't know if that is how I would feel hence my FH and I decided to just get a house and go to Hawaii. I think I would always feel that I missed out on something. My cousin never had a wedding, and she to this day 10 years later, still regrets it - and lives through mine. Though, after seeing what I am going through I don't think she wants one anymore!

Its a hard decision. This is the one day that everyone comes to see you! From all walks of life, together, in one room, celebrating you and FH. Do you want to give up on that?


I know I didn't help you much, but these are the thoughts that I am constantly struggling with ...