Waying all the options (long)

Forgive me for venting. I'm stressed out about money. Could use a place to vent and deal with my concerns. To have a wedding, to elope, to get a marriage license at town hall and have a ceremony/reception at a better time - and if so accept that it may not happen.

I've been living with FH for over 2 years now, our families do the holidays together, we live our lives like a married couple and are very much in love. I have a beautiful e-ring from the days when money wasn't much of an issue. Now things are different. FH was laid off from a job for 7 months, found a new job for painfully less than he was making, but with good opportunity for him to get into management - which now he is working toward getting and they will pick first picks in June. I left an intolerable job back in January, was recently denied unemployment and will begin a waitressing job after May 17 - I'm taking a Real Estate class, and the restaurant wants to start my training when my schedule will allow for me to be consistent. So I have things lined up, but I'm not sure how it will work out and how fast the cash will come in. So money's tight. I'm just getting by paying my bills now thanks to my tax refund, but when that runs out waitressing better pay off.

We bought a house 2 years ago and as much as it has been great and has even produced some equity - it's also produced some financial burdens - obviously a mortgage, but also a pipe breaks here, a fridge needs to be replaced there, etc. My bathrooms falling apart and I want a new kitchen like there's no tomorrow, we need a new roof, we killed our front lawn, etc. I know this is the pains of home ownership, but it's hard when you are also wanting a wedding as well. It was decided that FH will probably not pay anything toward the wedding b/c he needs to pay our mortgage, which I cannot afford to contribute to.

Okay, so that's the money part of my issues. With that, I also add... I have a very small family. In NY I have a mom, a dad, a sister, 1 cousin (and her husband), 1 uncle. I have cousins down in FL, but they never come up to NY and I wouldn't be surprised if they were unable to come up for the wedding anyway. My FL cousin has her hands very full with a newborn and she doesn't really have anyone to watch her VERY young kids for her while she's at a wedding in NY - we weren't going to invite kids outside the wedding party and her's would be too young anyway. I don't even feel like my parents care anymore anyway. They are contributing a little bit to the cost, but it's still going to cost me some cash. The wedding band I want alone will cost about $5k! But it goes nice with my e-ring which is crazy fancy - get a plain band anyway????

As for friends... I have one good friend... my best friend that's it! I moved around a lot in my 20's - like to other states... and made friends, lost friends, failed to stay in touch with people, etc. My best friend/MOH should we have the whole wedding thing is about to have her first baby at the end of May. If I were to elope on an island somewhere - I would definitely want her and her hubby there since they have always been so uplifting to FH and I even when the cards were down. I'm thrilled that they are having a baby, but also know that this will change our relationship and that the thought of them joining us for our elopement would be impossible - doubt they would leave a baby or even a 1 year old if it were next year as planned for friends who are eloping far away.

Another acquaintance who got married recently told me that if she were to do it all again she would not have waisted the money on the wedding, it was crazy expensive and she was short changed big time by some of her guests when it came to recouping via gifts. She's in her 40's so I feel like she's a bit wiser than I in this kind of thing. She totally encouraged me to think about going away and getting married. FH is open to all ideas, but the concept of spending any money right now stresses him out. It made talk of a happy occassion - not so happy. So I stopped talking about it so much and now when it does come up - he's not so unhappy.

So what to do? It's not like I have a ton of friends and family who are so excited to see me walk down an aisle. FH has more friends and family than I do - do I wait another year or 2 to save the money up just to walk down an aisle to a bunch of people I couldn't care less about looking upon me? Or do I just keep it something special and sacred between FH and I and make it romantic as possible on a beach in the Bahamas - just the 2 of us? Is it really any cheaper to get married in the Bahamas if my p's are contributing a little anyway? Plus, FH has a son from a previous marriage who I am blessed in that he LOVES me and LOVES the idea of us getting married. It may break his heart not to be involved in the wedding b/c we eloped. I'm lucky enough to have a step child who likes me - I know that is not always the case in a lot of families. Then again, I hate to say it, probably child support is another reason we don't have money - so do we continue to put a wedding on hold over money?

The problem is that after living together for so long I want the respect of his family as being part of his family and I want the same from my family toward FH. I feel like that is lacking horribly. It's like we are still only a 'possiblity' rather than a reality. I also 'play' step mother to Fh's child - willingly - but still I'm not really his step mother b/c I'm not really FH's wife. I just don't feel respected by his family and I don't feel my famiy respects FH the way I feel they all will toward us once we are married - that's why in some ways I just opt for a license ASAP and then if/when things aren't as tight financially we'd have a wedding. I just have a feeling - there'd never really be enough money for it so it would never happen. Could I live with never having a wedding? Does this even matter to a woman in her early 30's already who wants to have kids before 35 y.o.? What's more important when you are struggling with money. A wedding will only be another set back in the cash area of our lives. Any thoughts?