Hey Ladies! Congratulations to all future brides!! I was hoping to ask for some help from all of u...My FHand I are in a bit of a predicament and we need some help. My FH is the middle of 3 children. He has a younger brother (who will be his BM) and an older sister. We are very close with his brother and his girlfriend, and they are both in the wedding party (she is one of my BMs). His sister, on the other hand, neither of us are particularly close to. Him and her use to be close a few years ago, but things have since changed quite a bit. I have only seen her about 5 times since we've been together, and she has barely said more than a few words with me. Furthermore, she has never done anything to make me feel welcome in the family, when I have been nothing but sweet to her. In fact, she barely acknowledges me (both before and after the engagement). Believe it or not, when we got engaged, she didn't even congratulate me! She didn't even call her own brother, she just texted him! Needless to say, I was deeply hurt by this, and found her actions to be rude and bratty (she's 31, so this is HIGHLY inappropriate) and my FH is well aware of how I feel. Therefore, we have decided not to involve her in our wedding party. She will sit in the front row, but I have no desire to reward her actions by allowing her to walk down the aisle at our wedding. She knows nothing about me, us, or our relationship, and I just do not feel a need to have her be a significant part of it. My fiance is on board with me. His family, on the other hand, is hurt that she is not included. They feel that all immediate family should 'walk down the aisle'. I disagree. We're not close with her, and I don't want her in it. We don't want to upset anyone, or hurt anyone, but at the same time, it is my wedding, and I don't think its fair for me to have to appease anyone on my special day... I'm sure you can tell how frustrating this is for me, so any help would be very much appreciated. Thanks ladies!!
AwaitingAugust
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
unfortunately, weddings bring out the worst in people.
i had a similar situation - DH's brother got VERY mad that his son was not our ring bearer ... but we just said that it was our decision and we stuck by it. We told him (and the entire family) not to bring it up ever again because we were done talking about it.
DH's entire family never fully got over it, but they dealt with our decision. it was tough to put our foot down, but we were SOOO happy that we did.
michellelovesjohn
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
its not his family's wedding...its yours and your FH's. years from now nobody will remember or care who is in your wedding party...but you will...so in my opnion as long as you and your fh are on the same page (which it sounds like you are) then dont let anybody convince you otherwise
Soon2bMrsB91511
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Wow, it's so nice to hear from someone that knows what this feels like! Thank you for sharing and for your response! I completely agree with you. We're doing just that.
This initial discussion first began on Saturday, and up until I nipped it in the bud yesterday, it wasn't going to stop. My FH are putting our foot down, and we let everyone know that it is our wedding, at the end of the day. We are holding firm by our opinion, and while I'm sure they're not too thrilled with this decision, we are adults and they need to respect us and our choices. I expressed to my future in-laws that we would like our decision respected and not challenged. If they want to place blame, they can blame her for her behavior towards me from the get-go.
Thank you so much for your support!! I really need all the support I can get at this time!!
Loriane2010
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
I believe you made the right decision. You don't want anybody by your side on your DAY, that is not happy for you and your FH. You want POSITIVE ENERGY from your Bridal party NOT HATERS.
Soon2bMrsB91511
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Thank you Michelle!! I feel the same way, and I don't feel it is right for anyone to make me feel otherwise. Nor will I stand for his parents trying to guilt-trip him into this! I love my future in laws very much, they are incredibly good, kind, and overall wonderful people. However, I finally had to put my foot down the other day, and let them know that this is the decision I have come to, and that I have come to it with good reason. It's very easy for them to not understand why I have chosen to exclude their daughter from our wedding party, but its not so easy for them to see how much her actions have hurt me. I don't believe it is my responsibility to right her wrongs, nor do I feel the need to turn a blind eye to it on my own wedding day. I am not holding a grudge over her, I simply refuse to reward her bratty, selfish behavior by allowing her to walk down the aisle. Thank you again for your support !!
pjc92980
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
it is your wedding you get to decide who you want involved or not!!! I dont blame you at all for not wanting her to be a part of it and i wish my FH felt the same as your FH.
My FH has a younger brother...they never speak to each other. His younger brother actually came to our house for the first time and stole $50 from us last year. FH calls him every other week to check in on him and he NEVER returns the call. The only time they speak is if FH goes home to visit his family (his brother is 21 and still lives with his parents). I told FH to have one of his good friends be his best man but FH feels that they are brothers and that is all that matters...so he is the best man.
Sorry about my vent, but my point is that in the end as long as you and FH are comfortable with your decision too bad for everyone else.
Soon2bMrsB91511
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Thanks Loriane!! I couldn't agree more. If she were truly happy for us, I think she could've found a few mins to call me and congratulate me...or at the very least text me! I was really hurt by her actions.
It is one thing that she barely spoke to me when we were dating...BUT, that didn't change when we moved in together (and it should have!). Most importantly, that didn't change when he proposed to me!! I mean, how can my decision be different?!
Thanks again for the support :)
Soon2bMrsB91511
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Hey PJC, Thanks so much for the support, and please don't feel the need to apologize for the vent! That's what this is all about...very few people understand where we're coming from as brides, unless they are currently in, or have recently been, in a similar situation. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. It is perfectly valid and warranted given what you have shared. I am a firm believer that just because you're related doesn't make you 'family', and vice versa. As a matter of fact, I honestly haven't felt like she has been a significant part of our lives since FH and I have been together...and I am sure you have similar feelings about your future BIL. I think we just need to make sure that our FH's are ok with our decisions. After all, they're the one's that really matter the most in all this
wearefamily608
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
If someone does not play an active role in your life they do not deserve to be given the honor to play a part of the most important day of your life. If his family is upset, they should direct their issues to her. While you don't want to upset your FIL's, this is not your issue it's their sons and he needs to speak up or it will create a riff that doesn't go away.
If she had demonstrated any interest in you or your life, your wedding I would have included her in some way, whether a reading, etc. Some honors need to be earned and this is one of them
fdnybride163
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
i dont believe that just because your family you should automatically be in the wedding party.
My brothers are not groomsmen because they are not close with my FH. they live in CT and they are not really a part of my day to day life. I will however make them ushers or something to distinguish them as family, but thats it.
you need to speak w his family and say listen, we want to keep it small and intimate, and we only want people who know us both on a personal level, and who will BE THERE FOR US whenever we need. if she couldnt be friends w you before the engagement, she sure as helll shouldnt be a bridesmade.
MrsG2011
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Posted by Loriane2010
I believe you made the right decision. You don't want anybody by your side on your DAY, that is not happy for you and your FH. You want POSITIVE ENERGY from your Bridal party NOT HATERS.
THIS!
Soon2bMrsB91511
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Thanks a lot, Ladies!! I really appreciate the support...It's nice to feel like im not alone in this. It's really difficult to stand firm with my FIL's because I do love them and respect them a lot. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, despite the fact that I'm being made to feel like a leper at the moment. It's not fair, and i wish it were different. But, at the end of the day, it's my wedding, and she's done nothing to deserve being a part of walking down the aisle. And I think I just really need to not even bring it up anymore. The more the topic is raised, the more they'll think that there's still a negotiation that can take place. And there isn't. In fact, to try and accommodate her, I even told my FH that we can have her do a reading, make a speech, or say a few words. She didnt reply to his text. So, i don't see it as my problem anymore.
IrishAli
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
They will get over it. This is your wedding and your decision, and if she wants to be a brat then let her.
irisheyes23
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
Maybe this will be the kick in the *** she needs to realize her behavior is immature and selfish and won't be tolerated.
We had to dis-invite DH's nieces and sister-in-law (all over 35 years old mind you) because of their obnoxious behavior towards me before the wedding.
Watermelon5
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
I agree w/ the above; if you are not close it just doesn't make any sense for her to be involved in the wedding party at all, especially if she isn't a child and understands her behavior. If it is causing THAT big of a problem maybe she can do a reading or something? But I 100% agree that if you are not even remotely close and FH agrees w/ you, then that is your decision and no one elses!
leesah85
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
i think you made the right decision.
however, i sort of have a similar situation - FH's sister basically hates me and FH and her get along well, but they're not 'close' by any means. he really wanted her in the BP, so I put her in. So it was more of an issue between me and him, not us and his family.
Jennielee15
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
I wen through this with my brother's wife. I was harassed for months to put her in my partym but I stood strong and she will not be in it. I said to my parets that she did not respect my relationship with FH and has shown nothing but hatred towards him so I did not want her up with me on the big day. Luckily for me, her and my brother thought it was a releif for her not to be in it. On the other hand, my brother is in the party even though Fh didn't really want him. But I am close with my brother and it is something I really wanted. If your FH is fine with his sister not being in the wedding then that is all you need to know!
spdy540
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
this is a hard situation but trust me if you do not feel comfortable DONT DO IT. My ex fiancee was similiar didnt make me feel welcomed and I tried to be the better person and have her in my bridal party. It was nothing but fights and problems which she brought his whole family into. She was the start of the last fight we had before calling off the wedding the month before it was took place. Not everyone is going to be happy but its your wedding and if you or fh could explain nicely that would be the best route.
Pinkchick913
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Re: Wedding Etiquette PLEASE HELP!!
I can relate to this post as well. I just got engaged on Xmas Eve and when I went over to FH house that night his sister didn't really seem that happy for us.
When I asked her if she was ready to be in the wedding party she told me she can't afford it. She has about 17 months or maybe even longer to save up for it but god for bid she put her cigarette money towards her brothers wedding and not in her lungs.
His sister in law will be in my wedding party and she's GREAT so I'm happy about that but his sister and I have never seen eye to eye and I lived in the upstairs apt. for 2 yrs and she never came up and said hello.
At the end of the day if she doesn't want to be apart of her brother's special day then personally I don't care. It's better for me probably because I was worried that she would be an issue with the rest of the girls if she decided to be in my party.
