Wedding issue (family related) I can't seem to shake

This is gonna be a long one, something happened at the wedding which I am kind of upset about. While yes it is DH’s issue to be upset about (and he isn’t) we’re now family so what his family does affects me and my feelings now too. I don’t think I will ever say anything about it, but I am just worried that the ILs are gonna bring it up (we’re gonna see them this weekend for the first time since the wedding). And I don’t wanna lose my $hit over it.
SIL and her daughter were in the wedding. Her daughter was the FG, she is 5. I have my issues with the way SIL handles her kids but I figured she’d be OK at the wedding. Her DH did not attend with her, as he was home with their other two kids. All morning I felt like I or my other BMs had to tell FG what to do. She had to have her hair redone because after she had it done the first time she was outside my parents house running around and all the curls fell. I told her if she had it done again then she couldn’t go outside. As soon as she got finished with her second hair adjustment she exclaims “I’m going outside.” SIL was standing right there and said nothing, I had to yell across the room (while getting my makeup done) that she couldn’t go outside. Her feelings obviously got hurt.
Throughout the wedding not once did my SIL tell FG how to behave. FG got mad when she couldn’t ride in my limo with me (she was in the other with her mom and all the BMs), be in pictures with DH and I and even during things like our first dance, cake cutting, etc she kept trying to stay with DH and I, which wasn’t really feasible as we were trying to take pictures etc. SIL didn’t pull her aside once or try to take her out of pics and such.
Right before we had to cut the cake DH and I went downstairs to take night pics on the beach. When we came back, SIL, FG and FIL were sitting at a table outside the reception room and FG was crying at the top of her lungs. DH ran over to find out what happened and apparently she hurt her arm. DH would have stood there and had an hour long convo but they kept bugging us that we had to cut the cake. I wasn’t trying to be rude but I had to pull him away.
So we’re cutting our cake and FG keeps coming up to try and talk to us as we’re trying to feed each other and have photos and video taken. At this point FG was fine, the tears were gone. So the MD put her hand on FGs shoulder and said “come on sweetie we have to go over here” and backed her away, the whole time SIL just stood there. I saw the whole thing and the MD was very gentle.
After our cake cutting I danced with my dad and as soon as I got off the dance floor I come to find out FIL left with SIL to take FG to the hospital because her arm was hurt. I was LIVID!
Turned out there was absolutely nothing wrong with FG, I think her feelings just got hurt and she used the arm thing as a reason to cry. By the time they got to the hospital she was fine and not crying and the doctors found nothing wrong. FIL missed DH dancing with his Mom (who was going to leave as well but got talked into staying by our DOC) and the last hour of our wedding. All 5 of DHs aunts and uncles as well as 2 sets of mine offered to take SIL to the hospital and she refused insisting her dad take her.
I just feel like DH always comes last. It was his damn wedding day and his dad left with his sister for nothing. If that was me at my sisters wedding and my kid got hurt I would have insisted my parents stay and either drove myself to the hospital or taken up someone else’s offer to drive me. And I feel like had SIL kept an eye on FG the whole day none of this would have happened. Everytime I looked over either the MD, one of my BMs or GMs was trying to entertain FG while her mom stood by and watched.
I know I should get over it and if anyone is upset it should be DH, but it still bothers me. Especially since the next morning at brunch SIL was laughing about it, seeing nothing wrong with the fact that her dad missed the last hour or so of DHs wedding. Am I being ridic? Should I just let it go and get over it?

WOW that's some piss poor parenting skills right there!!!!

I think you should let it go... unless they say something first or attack you in any way for it. I think that if you fight with any one of them... it seems as though they will all stick with eachother. This seems like an ongoing issue.
If you do end up saying anything about it... i think you should do it VERY carefully and tactfully. Don't make it look like you are attacking in any way; I fear they might actually gang up on you. CLEARLY the FIL and other family members have NO PROBLEM with SIL not watching or taking care of her own child. And not only that... but it was also FIL choice to leave.


I agree 100000000000000% that it was all ridiculous!!!! ABSOLUTELY!! And its not only shocking but also very sad and even scary that they let a little girl seem to run the show like that. I don't have any kids.... but I know enough that kids need boundaries and they need to be told right from wrong... those things need to start when they are young because as teenagers.... that's SOOO not going to be cute or fun to deal with.

ABSOLUTELY if she was seriously hurt... the ONE to take her should have been SIL!!! It's sad that she's incharge of another person..... clearly she seems incapeable!!!!

I sorry you had all that go on. It must be VERY frustrating to watch.

Edit to add: I also think SIL is VERY selfish!!!!!

I would be livid! I dont blame you at all for being p issed off!! A similar thing happened at my wedding where my stepson kept wanting to be near us even during pics he would stand behind us. but atleast my inlaws watched him and would tell him he had to move and he would....SS is 9 so he is a little older then your FG.
If I was you I think I would say something to FIL about how he left the wedding early. that would be really upsetting to me also! Im really suprised DH isnt upset! Or do you think he's just acting like its no big deal because he doesnt want to start drama?

I certainly understand how upset and frustrated you must be ... but honestly, at this point there is really very little you can do about any of it. I certainly think venting helps though so if you need to do more of that, then feel free! I just don't think that saying anything to any of your ILs will change what already happened in the past ...

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Posted by GT143EA

I would be livid! I dont blame you at all for being p issed off!! A similar thing happened at my wedding where my stepson kept wanting to be near us even during pics he would stand behind us. but atleast my inlaws watched him and would tell him he had to move and he would....SS is 9 so he is a little older then your FG.
If I was you I think I would say something to FIL about how he left the wedding early. that would be really upsetting to me also! Im really suprised DH isnt upset! Or do you think he's just acting like its no big deal because he doesnt want to start drama?

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DH said to me, and I agree that FG is only 5 and has never been to an event like this, so she didn't know how to act. Which is fine, but when SIL saw how she was reacting she should have said something to her.

I just think DH is so used to coming last (behind his sis and bro) that it doesn't bother him anymore. His sis has 2 other children and this is typical behavior for her. I was surprised when she offered to have the other two kids stay home. Our wedding would have been a 3 ring circus had her two boys been there as well.
I don't plan on saying anything unless it is brought up by someone else. DH knows how I feel about the subject and I think he knows if anyone brings it up to curb it ASAP. I even told him on our wedding night I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

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Posted by Dr Meg

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Posted by GT143EA

I would be livid! I dont blame you at all for being p issed off!! A similar thing happened at my wedding where my stepson kept wanting to be near us even during pics he would stand behind us. but atleast my inlaws watched him and would tell him he had to move and he would....SS is 9 so he is a little older then your FG.
If I was you I think I would say something to FIL about how he left the wedding early. that would be really upsetting to me also! Im really suprised DH isnt upset! Or do you think he's just acting like its no big deal because he doesnt want to start drama?

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DH said to me, and I agree that FG is only 5 and has never been to an event like this, so she didn't know how to act. Which is fine, but when SIL saw how she was reacting she should have said something to her.

I just think DH is so used to coming last (behind his sis and bro) that it doesn't bother him anymore. His sis has 2 other children and this is typical behavior for her. I was surprised when she offered to have the other two kids stay home. Our wedding would have been a 3 ring circus had her two boys been there as well.
I don't plan on saying anything unless it is brought up by someone else. DH knows how I feel about the subject and I think he knows if anyone brings it up to curb it ASAP. I even told him on our wedding night I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

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5 is old enough to be told yes you can and no you can't. 5 is cetainly old enough to be told... no you cannot play outside right now. 5 is old enough to be pulled away from the cake cutting table and certainly out of your picture shots. Having been to an event like this or not... these are basic rules that should be instilled in ALL kids from early on. It's a part of learning how to act. She won't learn if her mother doesn't tell her, show her and reinforce it as these things come up. And now that she has been to an event like this.... will she act differently the next time? Doubtful because she wasn't told how to act by her mother.

But I think you are right about DH being used to it. Which is sad. And I'm sorry that he comes last too.
At least you can express how you feel to DH about it. And I think you are right to not bring it up. I HIGHLY doubt that anything would change if you did. Actually it would most likely create animosity between you and some of the relatives.

I don't know if you and DH plan on having kids... but if you do... the best way for this woman to see that her partenting skills are lacking.... is from you showing her through your exceptional parenting skills.

IMO...........Kids that age do not belong in bridal parties or at weddings at all. I've been to many weddings they all had kids involved & it was a problem at every wedding. Sure they are cute.........but kids will be kids! My cousin ( I was her MOH) had a little FG ( her husband's sister's kid) this kid just did not want to listen & her Mother was in the BP & did nothing. Kids will be kids it's not their fault, they don't know any better. It's the idiot parents not watching their offspring that cause the problem.

LET THIS POST BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE KIDS IN YOUR BP. KEEP IN MIND WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO DR.MEG!

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Posted by KerriJohnS
I don't know if you and DH plan on having kids... but if you do... the best way for this woman to see that her partenting skills are lacking.... is from you showing her through your exceptional parenting skills.

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We don't plan on having children. All SILs kids are out of control but I know it isn't my place to say anything.

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Posted by italgal

IMO...........Kids that age do not belong in bridal parties or at weddings at all. I've been to many weddings they all had kids involved & it was a problem at every wedding. Sure they are cute.........but kids will be kids! My cousin ( I was her MOH) had a little FG ( her husband's sister's kid) this kid just did not want to listen & her Mother was in the BP & did nothing. Kids will be kids it's not their fault, they don't know any better. It's the idiot parents not watching their offspring that cause the problem.

LET THIS POST BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE KIDS IN YOUR BP. KEEP IN MIND WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO DR.MEG!

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While I agree that weddings aren't necessarily the place for kids, not all kids are out of control. My nephew (who is 6) was there and totally well behaved. 2 of my cousins, ages 9 and 14 (although he is autistic) where there and there were no issues with them. I think what it comes down to is parenting. I should have known this would be an issue with SIL and FG because of they way she cares for her kids, but I couldn't imagine she'd let it affect our day like that.

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Posted by italgal

IMO...........Kids that age do not belong in bridal parties or at weddings at all. I've been to many weddings they all had kids involved & it was a problem at every wedding. Sure they are cute.........but kids will be kids! My cousin ( I was her MOH) had a little FG ( her husband's sister's kid) this kid just did not want to listen & her Mother was in the BP & did nothing. Kids will be kids it's not their fault, they don't know any better. It's the idiot parents not watching their offspring that cause the problem.

LET THIS POST BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE KIDS IN YOUR BP. KEEP IN MIND WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO DR.MEG!

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I know my FG is 5 and she acts the same way I am a little nervous

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Posted by las1

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Posted by italgal

IMO...........Kids that age do not belong in bridal parties or at weddings at all. I've been to many weddings they all had kids involved & it was a problem at every wedding. Sure they are cute.........but kids will be kids! My cousin ( I was her MOH) had a little FG ( her husband's sister's kid) this kid just did not want to listen & her Mother was in the BP & did nothing. Kids will be kids it's not their fault, they don't know any better. It's the idiot parents not watching their offspring that cause the problem.

LET THIS POST BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE KIDS IN YOUR BP. KEEP IN MIND WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO DR.MEG!

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I know my FG is 5 and she acts the same way I am a little nervous

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I had 3 flowergirls- 6,7,9....they were ANGELS and very well behaved, they even stayed in the hotel with us girls the night before. It was the BEST ever. I can't imagine not have kids at my wedding- we even had a kids table at capacity BUT in my culture there is NO tolerance for misbehaved kids and anyone is free to scold and correct children....and they listen.

SO, I guess it depends. You have to know your audience.

To the OP, I'm SO SORRY. It's SO WRONG that this happened at your wedding.


I wouldn't say anything right now, honestly. You don't want this drama....if it's the family dynamic that your DH has accepted, that's his issue. YOU don't have to allow it to continue. At least you know early on. Keep them at arms length . Maybe around the holidays, once time has passed, you can talk to your Father in Law about how disappointed you were that he was not with you until the end....as for SIL- write her off. She's a *((* and should know better.

I'd be seriously pissed BUT I don't know if I'd bring it up, it's not going to change anything or make it better but it has the potential to make everything worse and start a huge blow out.

Enjoy your married life with DH and focus on that! If the in-laws bring something up then tell them the MD barely touched her and she was fine but needing attention, etc but I wouldn't say a peep if they don't.

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Posted by italgal

IMO...........Kids that age do not belong in bridal parties or at weddings at all. I've been to many weddings they all had kids involved & it was a problem at every wedding. Sure they are cute.........but kids will be kids! My cousin ( I was her MOH) had a little FG ( her husband's sister's kid) this kid just did not want to listen & her Mother was in the BP & did nothing. Kids will be kids it's not their fault, they don't know any better. It's the idiot parents not watching their offspring that cause the problem.

LET THIS POST BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE KIDS IN YOUR BP. KEEP IN MIND WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO DR.MEG!

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Wow that's a bit harsh don't you think? I had 3 kids in my BP, ages 2 1/2, 4, and 7. They were near perfect!! It really really s.uc.ks what happened to the OP and her DH's family really dropped the ball but it's more the parents than the child. My 4 y/o FG was doing the same thing as hers but her parents had the decency to pull her away when they saw she was getting in the way.

And while we intended not to have any additional children at the wedding, we ended up 3 more ages 4 months, 6, and 10. I didn't hear a single PEEP out of them the entire night!

Sure you had a right to be upset, and I'm sure your FIL didn't look at it the way that you do. He wasn't trying to hurt you guys.

Try to let it go as much as possible now.

Be happy you are married to a great guy and be glad the girl wasn't hurt.

Hugs

I think its done with at this point. You cant tell her how to parent her kids and IMO when you have kids in the wedding party you have to be prepared for anything to happen. Our FG was 3 and ended up being very well behaved but we knew going into it we could have had the complete opposite.

As far as how the parents treat DH compared to SIL.....that will probably never change and its something you will have to deal with cause Im sure your DH is used to it by now.

I think by talking to IL's or SIL about it will just cause issues.

I'm sorry this happened - unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do or say to the ILs that will change them.

What I really feel bad about is that your DH has accepted always being last in his family. My FH has the same issue with his and it's really much harder for me to deal with than him.

I am sorry that you had to experience this on YOUR wedding day; and it's a shame that SIL didn't control her own child.

As for DH 'accepting' the situation....my FH is sort of the same. He accepts everything that his family does to me and me.....and just 'lets it go'. Which irritates me like you wouldn't believe!

I think FH deserves better (just like I'm sure you think DH does) but sadly we can't change people.

Talking to them won't change what happened, but maybe it can prevent a similar situation from happening in the future.....

I'm sort of on the fence with this one; in my situation with FIL's I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'd see them with an opened mind, see how everything goes and then maybe talk to them.

Does DH not want you to talk to them about it?