What are your thoughts on this.
Diocese faces backlash as it bans certain gravestone imagery
BY RITA CIOLLI
STAFF WRITER
September 29, 2004
Every day, Tony DeCanio visits his wife Janet's grave at Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Coram to soothe the heartache of losing his partner of 42 years.
It has been a place of consolation for the past year. However, the bus driver's grieving has been displaced with anger as the Diocese of Rockville Centre has ordered the removal of a ceramic memorial photo he affixed to her headstone. 'I miss my wife terribly. This makes it so much harder. They want me to look at a cold stone instead of a beautiful woman on the stone,' said DeCanio, who was told that he has until Oct. 15 to correct the violation or the diocese will have it removed.
The dispute between the diocese-owned cemetery and families who want memorial photos began this summer when a woman who had just buried her husband inquired about putting his picture on the gravestone. When told that it was against the rules, she pointed to the nearby grave of Edith Ryan, who is depicted in a heart-shaped cameo, holding a butterfly. On July 22, Joseph Ryan of Ronkonkoma received a letter asking him to remove the photo of his wife, who died in February, one month before their 47th wedding anniversary.
'When my grandchildren go there I want them to see nanny,' said Ryan. 'The first time they saw it, they thought it was really, really great. I honestly didn't know I couldn't do it. I never inquired,' added Ryan, noting that the written rules do not specifically mention photos.
Although the use of photo memorials is banned, about three years ago Catholic cemeteries began allowing portraits of the deceased to be etched into headstones, said Sean Dolan, a spokesman for the diocese. However, many families say photos are warmer and more personal than the etchings, which are done with a laser technology. The process does not have an appeal to some because it is costly, requires a black or very dark stone to be visible and doesn't have the same emotional impact as a photograph, family members say. In addition, it would require already standing stones to be removed at the risk of being damaged.
Fear of removal spreads
Word of the notices has quickly spread among a close-knit community of family members still grieving about loved ones. Those who haven't gotten letters are worried that their pictures will be removed, and others who have just purchased memorials are unsure whether to display them.
Cathy McLaughlin of Medford spent $350 for a cameo of her only two children, who were killed in a 2001 crash on the Long Island Expressway. Cathy, 19, and Billy, 18, are shown smiling with their arms around each other at a Jones Beach concert. Their mother wants to place the photo above engraving that reads 'brother and sister together in heaven.' For now, she has it attached to a small pole. 'I want to place it on the stone; it is more secure and I won't be afraid that it will be stolen,' she said.
Dolan described the Holy Sepulchre controversy as a 'difficult' situation but said all photos had to be removed.
'Cemeteries have a responsibility to balance practical approaches expressing love and caring for members of one family with the sacredness and overall character of the cemetery,' he said.
Administrators say the rules are designed to keep the grounds safe and dignified, as well as to maintain a setting that is 'truly lasting and reflective of our Catholic faith.' The church regulates the size and placement of headstones, what text can be engraved on a marker as well as the type and size of plantings permitted in front of one. For instance, from April to October, only fresh flowers may be placed on graves. The rules note that 'bric-a-brac of any description are not permitted either in planting areas or placed on or affixed to monuments.'
Not a new tradition
Displaying photos on gravestones began in the 1850s when the French began firing photos on enamel and porcelain. The custom quickly spread in southern and eastern Europe and immigrants from those areas brought the tradition to the United States. The resurgence of memorial photos are part of an overall cultural trend to make gravesites more personal.
'It is popular again as our society has looked for more imaginative memorials. We are back to putting on epitaphs, pictures, family logos and political statements,' said Paul Elvig, vice president of the International Cemetery and Funeral Association.
Elvig said cemetery administrators nationwide are struggling to determine what is permissible - citing one dispute in which a son was eventually allowed to put a lyric from the Beatles song 'Strawberry Fields' on his mother's stone - while still keeping the overall dignity and philosophy of the particular burial ground.
Acknowledging the trend toward personalization, Rockville Centre officials considered photo memorials two years ago but decided against it. In a letter sent to Ryan last month, a cemetery official says older cemeteries that allowed photo images in the past 'have suffered in appearance' when the pictures were poorly crafted or badly installed and that as time passed, there was often no one to contact when the image became faded or broken. 'For this reason cemeteries must think of items and memorials for not the next decade but the next century and beyond,' wrote Peter Ryan, assistant director of cemeteries for the Long Island diocese.
The Diocese of Brooklyn also has a ban on gravestone photos, but officials will soon allow them on indoor mausoleum crypts and eventually plan to allow photos on outdoor gravestones as well, said Frank DeRosa, a spokesman for the diocese that covers Catholics who live in Brooklyn and Queens.
'It is an issue that has been under consideration for a while,' DeRosa said. 'If that works out satisfactorily indoors then we will investigate how it can be applied outdoors. The issue is finding a suitable product that will withstand fading. We want a headstone to last forever, that is really the policy.' The Brooklyn diocese operates nine cemeteries, including three on Long Island.
On Long Island, starting in 1999, families of the deceased were allowed to submit photos to be included in the database of interments at the Memorial Kiosks available at all three diocesan cemeteries: Holy Sepulchre, Cemetery of the Holy Rood in Westbury and Queen of All Saints in Central Islip.
But visiting a kiosk doesn't provide the same measure of comfort for DeCanio or Ryan. To protest the diocese's policy, DeCanio has already collected 300 signatures from cemetery visitors on a petition asking the diocese to consider a change. Otherwise, the 59-year-old Shoreham resident said he will chain himself to his wife's headstone to prevent the cemetery from removing the photo depicting Janet, who had multiple sclerosis, at the 1987 wedding of their daughter. 'It was the last time, she could walk,' said DeCanio, choking back tears during an interview last week as he noted that she will be dead one year today.
DeCanio is part of a community that has come together at Holy Sepulchre for companionship of others who understand their loss. Sometimes, they go out to lunch and the widows who still can't get used to eating alone stop for dinner together before going home.
'We take care of one another and watch out for each other,' said Angel Sanchez of Coram, whose wife, Catherine, died in July. Her headstone has yet to be installed and instead Sanchez has put a photo of the couple from 1952, 'when we fell in love,' among the flowers marking her grave. Sanchez wants a permanent photo for her stone. 'People are very sentimental about their loved ones,' he said.
Alfonso Nocera of Farmingville said he is confused by the policy because the Catholic Church has such a strong tradition of honoring its dead. Two years ago, on a visit to his hometown in Sarno, Italy, he stopped to see the graves of his family. At the Catholic cemetery's office, porcelain photos were for sale. Nocera took the high school photo of his daughter, Serena, out of his wallet and had a memorial made. Serena died in 1999, at age 27, of a blood clot.
'It is really a comfort to see my sweetheart; I touch the picture every time I come,' said Nocera, who has visited his daughter's grave every day for five years. 'Before then there was nothing there, now it means something to come here and see her. It is a little more personal.'
I think its silly for the church to ban this. They have so many rules.![]()
It makes people not want to be that religion.
BY RITA CIOLLI
STAFF WRITER
September 29, 2004
Every day, Tony DeCanio visits his wife Janet's grave at Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Coram to soothe the heartache of losing his partner of 42 years.
It has been a place of consolation for the past year. However, the bus driver's grieving has been displaced with anger as the Diocese of Rockville Centre has ordered the removal of a ceramic memorial photo he affixed to her headstone. 'I miss my wife terribly. This makes it so much harder. They want me to look at a cold stone instead of a beautiful woman on the stone,' said DeCanio, who was told that he has until Oct. 15 to correct the violation or the diocese will have it removed.
The dispute between the diocese-owned cemetery and families who want memorial photos began this summer when a woman who had just buried her husband inquired about putting his picture on the gravestone. When told that it was against the rules, she pointed to the nearby grave of Edith Ryan, who is depicted in a heart-shaped cameo, holding a butterfly. On July 22, Joseph Ryan of Ronkonkoma received a letter asking him to remove the photo of his wife, who died in February, one month before their 47th wedding anniversary.
'When my grandchildren go there I want them to see nanny,' said Ryan. 'The first time they saw it, they thought it was really, really great. I honestly didn't know I couldn't do it. I never inquired,' added Ryan, noting that the written rules do not specifically mention photos.
Although the use of photo memorials is banned, about three years ago Catholic cemeteries began allowing portraits of the deceased to be etched into headstones, said Sean Dolan, a spokesman for the diocese. However, many families say photos are warmer and more personal than the etchings, which are done with a laser technology. The process does not have an appeal to some because it is costly, requires a black or very dark stone to be visible and doesn't have the same emotional impact as a photograph, family members say. In addition, it would require already standing stones to be removed at the risk of being damaged.
Fear of removal spreads
Word of the notices has quickly spread among a close-knit community of family members still grieving about loved ones. Those who haven't gotten letters are worried that their pictures will be removed, and others who have just purchased memorials are unsure whether to display them.
Cathy McLaughlin of Medford spent $350 for a cameo of her only two children, who were killed in a 2001 crash on the Long Island Expressway. Cathy, 19, and Billy, 18, are shown smiling with their arms around each other at a Jones Beach concert. Their mother wants to place the photo above engraving that reads 'brother and sister together in heaven.' For now, she has it attached to a small pole. 'I want to place it on the stone; it is more secure and I won't be afraid that it will be stolen,' she said.
Dolan described the Holy Sepulchre controversy as a 'difficult' situation but said all photos had to be removed.
'Cemeteries have a responsibility to balance practical approaches expressing love and caring for members of one family with the sacredness and overall character of the cemetery,' he said.
Administrators say the rules are designed to keep the grounds safe and dignified, as well as to maintain a setting that is 'truly lasting and reflective of our Catholic faith.' The church regulates the size and placement of headstones, what text can be engraved on a marker as well as the type and size of plantings permitted in front of one. For instance, from April to October, only fresh flowers may be placed on graves. The rules note that 'bric-a-brac of any description are not permitted either in planting areas or placed on or affixed to monuments.'
Not a new tradition
Displaying photos on gravestones began in the 1850s when the French began firing photos on enamel and porcelain. The custom quickly spread in southern and eastern Europe and immigrants from those areas brought the tradition to the United States. The resurgence of memorial photos are part of an overall cultural trend to make gravesites more personal.
'It is popular again as our society has looked for more imaginative memorials. We are back to putting on epitaphs, pictures, family logos and political statements,' said Paul Elvig, vice president of the International Cemetery and Funeral Association.
Elvig said cemetery administrators nationwide are struggling to determine what is permissible - citing one dispute in which a son was eventually allowed to put a lyric from the Beatles song 'Strawberry Fields' on his mother's stone - while still keeping the overall dignity and philosophy of the particular burial ground.
Acknowledging the trend toward personalization, Rockville Centre officials considered photo memorials two years ago but decided against it. In a letter sent to Ryan last month, a cemetery official says older cemeteries that allowed photo images in the past 'have suffered in appearance' when the pictures were poorly crafted or badly installed and that as time passed, there was often no one to contact when the image became faded or broken. 'For this reason cemeteries must think of items and memorials for not the next decade but the next century and beyond,' wrote Peter Ryan, assistant director of cemeteries for the Long Island diocese.
The Diocese of Brooklyn also has a ban on gravestone photos, but officials will soon allow them on indoor mausoleum crypts and eventually plan to allow photos on outdoor gravestones as well, said Frank DeRosa, a spokesman for the diocese that covers Catholics who live in Brooklyn and Queens.
'It is an issue that has been under consideration for a while,' DeRosa said. 'If that works out satisfactorily indoors then we will investigate how it can be applied outdoors. The issue is finding a suitable product that will withstand fading. We want a headstone to last forever, that is really the policy.' The Brooklyn diocese operates nine cemeteries, including three on Long Island.
On Long Island, starting in 1999, families of the deceased were allowed to submit photos to be included in the database of interments at the Memorial Kiosks available at all three diocesan cemeteries: Holy Sepulchre, Cemetery of the Holy Rood in Westbury and Queen of All Saints in Central Islip.
But visiting a kiosk doesn't provide the same measure of comfort for DeCanio or Ryan. To protest the diocese's policy, DeCanio has already collected 300 signatures from cemetery visitors on a petition asking the diocese to consider a change. Otherwise, the 59-year-old Shoreham resident said he will chain himself to his wife's headstone to prevent the cemetery from removing the photo depicting Janet, who had multiple sclerosis, at the 1987 wedding of their daughter. 'It was the last time, she could walk,' said DeCanio, choking back tears during an interview last week as he noted that she will be dead one year today.
DeCanio is part of a community that has come together at Holy Sepulchre for companionship of others who understand their loss. Sometimes, they go out to lunch and the widows who still can't get used to eating alone stop for dinner together before going home.
'We take care of one another and watch out for each other,' said Angel Sanchez of Coram, whose wife, Catherine, died in July. Her headstone has yet to be installed and instead Sanchez has put a photo of the couple from 1952, 'when we fell in love,' among the flowers marking her grave. Sanchez wants a permanent photo for her stone. 'People are very sentimental about their loved ones,' he said.
Alfonso Nocera of Farmingville said he is confused by the policy because the Catholic Church has such a strong tradition of honoring its dead. Two years ago, on a visit to his hometown in Sarno, Italy, he stopped to see the graves of his family. At the Catholic cemetery's office, porcelain photos were for sale. Nocera took the high school photo of his daughter, Serena, out of his wallet and had a memorial made. Serena died in 1999, at age 27, of a blood clot.
'It is really a comfort to see my sweetheart; I touch the picture every time I come,' said Nocera, who has visited his daughter's grave every day for five years. 'Before then there was nothing there, now it means something to come here and see her. It is a little more personal.'
I think its silly for the church to ban this. They have so many rules.
