What Do I Do??

My FH & I were talking about wedding plans last night. And he then asks why can't we wait another year! We have already booked the hall, church, I ordered my dress & headpiece. I'm so upset! He thinks that we won't have enough money. But I'm the one taking care of the money & we're fine! The fact that we're not going on a honeymoon till 5 months after the wedding is saving us a bundle!! I am trying to do EVERYTHING on a tight budget. I haven't even looked at photographer or videographer yet. But he won't even go with me to places because 'he doesn't know anything about that stuff' (his words) I feel like I'm being selfish (especially today of all days) We're in the middle of Pre-Cana!! Everything (I thought) was coming together well. What do I do???

Re: What Do I Do??

I was having the same problem a few months ago. My FH and I were thinking to delay the wedding because of the money situation. My wedding is this Sunday coming up and we have paid everybody (hall, flowers, DJ, officiant...etc) and we did it on our own. We don't know where we got the money from but, we did it! Talking to my other friends that also got married this year they say the same thing. If you are handling the money and you know that you will be able to take care of it just reassure you FH and everything will be fine.

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Sounds like you have a couple issues:

a) Even if your FH doesn't know anything about photography/videography, he can still go with you to meet with vendors and give his opinion. You need his participation and you demand that from him.

b) If you are in charge of the money - why is he concerned about not having enough if you feel otherwise? Sounds like he doesn't trust your assessment and you need to work this out before it becomes a big problem. Planning a wedding causes a lot of stress, and this will only compound matters.

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How is your PreCana couple, can you talk to them too? PreCana addresses money issues and maybe they can offer you some special pre-marital counseling to help you thru this time.

I am a believer that no matter what your budget is a wedding can be done. You may have to make cut backs in some areas but you can still have a fabulous affair. Talk to your finace about it and see what his concerns are specifically with the $$$. Maybe he is nervous about the whole thing (I know my finace is a nervous wreck!) because this is a big huge thing in your life. Talk to him...assure him it can be done as long as you guys want it to. It is a celebration of love not money!

Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.

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Sounds like FH needs a little reassuring. Maybe he's feeling a little overwhelmed, and the reality of the cost of a wedding is finally hitting him. I think he'll be okay if you give him a little pep talk.

As for not accompanying you to vendors, that's a no-no. I'm sure none of us are experts going in to these meetings, let him know you need his support and opinions when checking these vendors out. Not to mention you want his opinions on the samples they'll be showing you.

Good luck!

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It sounds like your FH just needs some reassuring. My FH and I decided on a 2 year engagement and it was the best thing we ever did.

FH sometimes mentions that we could have waited yet another year...blah blah blah. I think he's just getting nervous.

I'm sure everything will work out just fine. Just stick to your budget, be open and honest with one another and keep your chin up!

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As far as going to the vendors. Regardless of the experience he has, its his wedding too, and he should have some input, even if its just a feeling he gets from the vendor. Thats as much a part of it (I think) as the work the vendor shows you.
As far as the money, we are just starting, like you, I keep thinking about how much tis is costing us, and what else we could use the money for, but the bottom line is, we want the party too. Perhaps if he visually saw the budget, savings balances, etc. and saw how well you are doing, it might help.
Sorry you have to fell this way. Why did he wait so long to tell you he was feeling this way? Maybe he's just having a moment of panic? and needs some reassurance. Do you think its related to starting the precana - didn't you mention that?

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Are you sure your FH isn't using lack of money as an excuse for another issue? Perhaps he is worried about something else. Ask him straight out if he wants to get married or if he is trying to postpone the wedding for another reason.

If the issue is really money then I would sit down together, and work out the numbers. If he is right and there will not be enough, or it is going to be a tight squeeze then you can make a decision about waiting a few months or not. If you are right and you will be fine with money then he will feel a lot better.

My FH went to all the vendors except the florist because truthfully, he knows nothing about flowers and honestly told me it was my decision. I went with my Mom. It was actually very nice to have something for just she and I do work on together. But I think photographers, music, and videographers should be joint-decisions. That is just my opinion thought. You need to do what is best for you both.

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I wouldn't worry abou t his level of participation in the planning. My FH came with me to look at a few vendors , but he really doesn't care who plays our music, takes our picture, etc. He didn't really want to come at all, but I didn't want to make all those trips up to LI by myself. I think that a lot of us on this board have done most of the planning on our own or with someone other than FH. I wouldn't read anything into that. My FH cares about flowers and pictures like I care about football!

My FH doesn't want to wait another year, but when I start talking about money (specifically, when I point out that something he wants to buy will have to wait until AFTER the wedding), he gives me the old 'why don't we have a smaller wedding.' It drives me nuts, but I kind of ignore it becuase it really stems from his desire to have extra money right now, not a year from now.

I think you should explore where this is coming from. If you think you will have enough money, explain this to him and he still wants to wait a year, then I would ask him why. And also, are you verbally complaining about the money to him? I only ask becuase I think I have FH and I on a great budget to get everything covered, but I still have weekly meltdowns about it and again, that is when I hear 'why don't we have a smaller wedding' which makes it worse

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I hope this isn't about something else, but I smell a scapegoat. You have done the inital planning for the wedding and the cost of the hall alone gives you an idea of what is eventually going to come out of your pockets. My husband wanted to be a part of all the vendor selection , he was very supportive but that didn't mean he didn't ***** and moan about the money the whole time. We looked at it like this, we spend the money NOW or we spend it LATER..either way it was going to be spent and what was the most important is that we become man and wife and we didn't want to wait. What was the point? Good Luck and please try talking to him (I know he is a man ) and see what his concerns are.

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I just looked at your picture! Your little bundle of JOY is beautiful! ....Now I really think..why wait longer, I didn't know you had a family. Good Luck.

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I wouldnt change it b/c you will wind up loosing money possibly,deposits, etc... , money to the hall
see if your mom or someone can help you or loan you money
that is what I did... I wouldnt have had enough to get married when i did
if i didnt bug my mom

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I would let him calm down a little. My friends FH has told her that they can't afford the wedding and they should elope 3 or 4 times already. I think everyone gets overwhelmed when they consider how much money they are spending for one day. Considering that you guys already have a family, I am sure when he realizes that you have enough money that he will be glad to have the wedding as planned and be able to concentrate on the future.
Good luck

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First thing first he DOES want to get married!! That isn't the problem! He constantly thinks that we're broke. We're far from it we just don't have a house! He makes great money & doesn't really realize it. I think all I have to do is show him the reciepts so far & show how well we're doing.
As for Parents helping both my parents & his Father have passed away. His Mother is in a home in Ireland. (so no there) I'm sure if we get EXTREMLEY desperate I could ask one of my brothers or sisters.
I was just really upset earlier but I'm sure once we talk about it everything will be fine. I just needed a few words of advice.

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I totally understand what you are going through and I am only in the pre-beginning stages of planning!! Everytime I would an idea which of course costs $$, FH would say is it really worth it to spend money on that? Money is really tight for us now too. Real tight. I have never felt this way where I feel like we live check to check. We chose to do this so we can save our own money for the wedding and avoid the drama with the folks. Although they are helping us out, we still are fronting a big chunk. On top of bills after bills, its hard.

I think you should definitely show him the receipts, tell him about your budget, how much the photographer (ex.) you just saw is charging and compare with your budget. That would put him more at ease. I do that with FH all the time. And he doesn't bring up is it really worth it to spend the money on that as much. It is more now, well if you think we can afford it than that is fine with me. Took a while to hear him say that!

If he doesn't want to visit vendors with you, give him a summary when you get home. It will get him involved in some way.
My FH doesn't want to hear what centerpieces I want and what the stand looks like... All he is concerned with is: how much, are we getting jipped and is it worth it. And make sure that the appts that I will be booking soon don't interfere with NFL games and pre-season NBA!! LOL I gotta love him!

Maybe you can say something to him like: honey I would love to get your ideas and creativity with our wedding and it would be great for you to visit some of the vendors with me so we can make the decision together.
Honestly do men REALLY want to hear about flowers and the stands, the colors, the number of flowers in your bouquet? If you ask him to join you with the other vendors-video, photographer, band/dj, things that interest him I am sure he wouldn't complain too much. Or you can visit them on your own and when you have narrowed them down to say 2 or 3 photographers (again ex) tell him you want him to be with you to finalize the decision and that you don't want to make this decision on your own. Besides it is your wedding (both of you) not just you.

Trust me you are not alone with the money issues.

Good Luck and I hope I have helped.

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BTW I haven't even seen any vendors yet. But I have narrowed down a few by reading this board and researching.
That is how I was able to see what I can afford or not without having to waste my time on visiting vendors passed my budget. Maybe he can help you do the research.
And btw let your FH know you are new at this too. You don't know any of this stuff either. So you can jump in the pool together!

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IrishTracey,

It sounds like he is just getting overwhelmed with the planning. Although I have done the bulk of the research, my FH came to all vendors except the florist. I, however, researched the vendors and knew who I wanted to hire- then he came with me to those vendors. And even with me doing all the legwork - he was stressed!

Just take it one day at a time - you'll get there!

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i was thinking the same as michele31 & nubride.
could this be it?

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IrisTracey,
i think its sounds like it is time for a sit down, for alot of reasons. FIrstly, its alot of hard work and anergy to plan a wedding and if he does not want to spend the money it could end up in a lot of resentment and/or lost money later making the money situation worse. Maybe your idea of doing very well money wise and his income amount are totally different than his. Are you also saving for the house at the same time? Do you work also? What line of work is he in? Maybe there have been extra stresses at work he is not talking about.

His disinterest is an alarm. My FI did not want to go to vendors but when I explained that this was his wedding too and I would really apreciate the company, he came with me. Even if it was just to sit by my side while I wheeled and dealed. Does he have any interest in any of the vendors? What about music?
Just some thoughts. But I'd definitely think you should have a major family-to-be conference.

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Perhaps he feels that since you have a child the money is better spent on a home instead of a big wedding. Maybe he would like to get married, but not have a big wedding.
I would really sit down with him when it is quiet and talk to him. Tell him you really want to know why he is so concerned. Perhaps he would like to save the money for your family's future and a home. I can understand that. Or maybe he is worried about something else and needs to discuss it with you.