I so rarely post and today it's all complaints about HIS family! Anyway, I usually love them, but a few things just bug me. Let me know what you think - the first thing is that they STILL have not told me to call them by their first names. They are still Mr. and Mrs. to me. Kevin and I have been together for 3 years and I'm going to be their daighter-in-law! Does anyone else have that?
The second thing is that my FMIL and FSIL and having a shower for me in CT for their side of the family - they wanted to avoid having their whole side have to travel to the one my mom is doing. That's fine - very nice of them, but it is SO obvious that my FMIL thinks of it as a big pain in the neck. She doesn't enjoy entertaining or planning, and she doesn't really want to spend the $$. I just wish she didn't offer to do it because every time I bring it up and she changes the subject it hurts my feelings!
shelzyp
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
Have you talked to your FH about this? I know how it is to get really annoyed with your FMIL, I spent the whole weekend with FH, FMIL, FFIL and my FH's horribly behaved niece!!!!!
Have your FH talk to her about the shower, if she doesn't want to do it, then she shoudn't and everyonce can come to the other one and have to travel.
Jess2
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
I call them by their first names now, but it was a whole production. They asked me to call them mom & dad and I had to say no, since I KNOW my parents would be really ****ed plus I just didn't feel comfortable. They are very old-fashioned to say the least. We finally made an agreement that I would call them by their first names, but every now & then my FMIL calls her husband Mr._____ and it drives me a little nutsy. You could bring it up to your FI and let him say something to them.
Regarding the shower, I think the best thing to do is ignore her. It was her choice to give you a shower, right, no one forced her. I would just let it go in and out one ear and enjoy the shower and don't feel bad about it.
Olgaki
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
I agree - ask her son to talk to her. And tell him - dont say that you are the one insisting he talk to her but rather that he sees you upset and he wants to figure something out that will make both women happy
EBM7
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
I have spoken to him about it and he just says it's nothing personal - just the way she is. My FSIL is very excited to do it, so all the work will land on her. My FSIL feels terrible that he mother is acting this way and she just doesn't want it to be ruined for me. As far as calling them Mr. and Mrs, he DEFENDS them - says they should be addressed the ay they are confortable!
Jess2
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
What would happen if there was no discussion about it, if one day you just called them by their first names? Would they freak out? You could try it, and if they question it, just say that since you will be soon married to their son & taking THEIR last name(I'm not sure if you are taking their name but you get my drift) that you figured it was time. Alot of older people (mine are older) have this complex about the Mr. & Mrs./respectability issue thing so you may just have to live with it until your married or bring it up yourself.
EBM7
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
Jess2 - I think that's a good idea and I've actually considered just busting out with Doris and Tom out of the blue! Part of me thinks they'd be OK with it, but could never bring themselves to say 'Call us...' BTW - I AM taking their last name. Part of me feels like they are such a close family that in some ways they will always see me as an outsider.
Jess2
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
All I can say Erica is that I've been practicing my assertiveness training on my FMIL!!! It's been tough for me (we've also been together 3 1/2 years) but I'm trying to do things in a way not to insult anyone but to also make life better for myself. You know what, your marrying your FI, not his family, so don't feel bad about being close to them.
EBM7
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
Thanks Jessica - great advice!
Jess2
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
Good luck, let me know what happens!!
pschica
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
i was lucky that my fmil and ffil are great - i would definitely say try to speak with her about this though - we lost my fmil in novemeber and i miss her greatly during our planning..i was so lucky to have a wonderful friendship with her...if you can, try to patch things up, time is so precious with family sometimes...
I also know of some in laws who just do not get along with their child's sopouse so keep in mind that there is a chance that no matter what you do things will not change...as long as you know you tried than thats all you can do sometimes...
she might not even realize it so just ask her about the name thing and/or the shower...this is prob a hard time for her too right now (her son is officially growing up!)
EBM7
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
Her son is 37!! It's time But you are right in that she still totally babies him and probably feels a bit sad.
I'm afraid I gave the wrong impression - we do have a nice relationship. These are the only 2 issues that really bug me. Iy just makes me feel less close, but I still care for them and like them. I'm just a much warmer, informal person.
butterfly20
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
dont even let her complaints about throwing a shower bother you. Just enjoy the day. If she complains maybe you should ask FSIL to do more of the planning, since FMIL is a little stressed.
as for the name calling. That has been ******* me off also. i got engaged after 2 1/2 years.(now 2 3/4 years) From day one my parents said they could call him by their first names. With his parents I just used Mr. & Mrs...... Never have they said I can use mom and dad, or their first names. FMIL always refers to her husband when talking to me as Mr.... And the gifts to me are signed Mr. & Mrs. But you know what fiance and his brother call them??? By their first Names!!!!
My suggestion(which I may do), is to have your fiance(when your not there) casually as the Mom,what you should call them..... OR.. if a gift is coming up soon for them(bday or mothers day) get them a gift, write it 'To (whatever you want to call them), Love(your name)
maysie18
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
FMIL has never said 'call me Mom' & honestly it would feel really weird if I did that anyways! She is much older than even my mother, so I'd also feel strange calling her by her first name. So until she says otherwise, I just kinda say 'hi' - silly I know but dunno what else to do. & honestly hadn't thought about it guess I gotta talk to FH about this!
I'm sorry FMIL is acting flaky re: a shower she offered to throw. No real advice, hope she comes around
LisaT
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
we dated for 5+ years and they were always Mr & Mrs. Now we've been married almost a year and I avoid addressing them. I can't do Mr & Mrs anymore, but I don't want to do mommy & poppy either (which is what their kids and SIL's call them). I'd prefer to call them by their first names but don't know how they'd react - actually I can handle 'poppy', but not 'mommy'.
When we got engaged my parents told Al he had to stop with the Mr & Mrs - he could call them by their first names or mom & dad. He went the mom & dad route.
butterfly20
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Re: Vent - MY FMIL
for those who don't even care to call them mom and dad, thats not the point. the point is that they are offering for you to.
EBM7
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Call me something other than Mr. & Mrs!!
That's exactly my point! It's just a nice gesture that makes you feel welcome into the family. My FSIL is FURIOUS that they still haven't told me to call them by their first names. She wants to say something, but I said it's not her responsibility - it's her brother's!! The funny thing is that she had the exact same issue with them when she got married 5 years ago! They announced their engagement to both sets of parents and her in-laws immediately jumped up with 'call us Ron & Jan' and her parents (my FIL) just sat there like 2 bumps on logs! She was so furious and had a big argument with her parents. They eventually told her husband to call them Tom & Doris. You would think they would have learned!!!
I guess the moral is that it's nothing personal - just the way they are.
One more think - I told my FH I wanted him to say something to them like 'what would you like Erica to call you?' He got really defensive and said it would jyst embarrass them!!!
Jess2
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Re: Call me something other than Mr. & Mrs!!
If your FSIL calls them by their first names, so should you! If they question it, you could always say that your FSIL calls them by their first names, so you figured you would as well. Since your FH won't do anything about it, it looks as if you will have to just buckle down and either ask them straight out or just do it. I've been more assertive than I have ever thought I would be with my FMIL (I still have some work to do though!) and I feel that this will hopefully help set a precendent for after we are married.
Hope this is somewhat helpful. I'm glad you said it is nothing personal, because that is true, as it is with my FIL's as well.
ddunne23
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Re: Call me something other than Mr. & Mrs!!
We actually never had the coversation with our inlaws. DH and I decided it together. One day we were just like, so what should we call each other's parents..by their first name? And that was that. Both sets are really laid back and I could never call his mom and dad, 'mom and dad' and i think DH feels the same. It is still easier said then done though. I email MIL alot and I call her Sue in the email, but when we are together both DH and I usually don't call them anything. It is just a little awkward at first, but you have to force yourself to do it to become more comfortable with it.
