Brides Helping Brides ™ - What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***

alioop4282 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 03:59 PM

What do you think of this? [Need advice] UPDATED

I have this one friend who I have known for 22 years. She dislikes my FH a lot, for reasons that I can honestly understand...
She recently told my sister she's decided not to attend my wedding [after she already rsvp'd yes]..so I called her and she told me she will go to the reception to party and hang out but she isn't going to come to my ceremony because she doesn't support me marrying him.
I told her not to bother to come at all then..that I'd rather her not come at all than to just come to the reception to 'party and hang out'. If she doesn't support my decision to marry him then I think she shoud stay home because afterall..the ceremony is really the important part. She said she will think about what she wants to do and call me in a few days.
Am I right?
Can I have some opinions please.

**UPDATE**

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you for reading this and for supporting me. There aren't a lot of people I can talk to about this subject so I really appreciate that you all listened and were there for me.
I let my friend know how I was feeling..I explained the extent of his disease, tried to make her understand. The end result was her feeling very bad for hurting me and she wants to apologize to FH for not liking him because of the alcoholism and she asked for us to all go to a movie or out to dinner. She said she supports me 110% and she loves me and she's proud of me for sticking by him and she will be honored to attend both my ceremony and reception.
I just wanted to give you girls the update. I feel so much better now and thank you so much again.

TimDogsGal Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:03 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

why doesn't she like FH? Could she possibly be jealous?

neener1211 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:09 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I would ask her not to come at all then, just like you said....

Who needs a person not supporting you there? I wouldn't even want to share my day with someone that wasn't happy for me.

I hope it all works out for you!

alioop4282 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:10 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

FH is a recovering alcoholic and it's been a long road so it's definitely not a jealousy issue.
She doesn't like him because he used to drink a lot. I tried explaining to her it's a sickness just like if a person has cancer or AIDS but she's afraid he will relapse.

sookthecat Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:12 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I agree with you. If she doesn't want to come to the ceremony, she shouldn't be able to come to your reception. The reception is all about celebrating your union...thats kind of hypocritical to not come to the ceremony but come to the reception. She can't half support you and then just stick around for eating, drinking, and dancing. I don't know what issues are between them, but its your day...she should suck it up and support YOU, even if she can't stand your FH. Sorry for your stressful situation...I hope it all works out for you.

snydl40 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:12 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

She doesn't sound like a good friend. He has made mistakes and as long as he is correcting them-I don't see the problem. Why wouldn't she support you, supporting him? You really made the right decision.

BJandDan Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:13 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I agree with you 100% that she shouldn't go to one, and not the other. I think you did the right thing by telling her your thoughts and opinion.

My brother did the same thing (he did go, but didn't talk to me or my husband the whole time, even when I went up to him to tell him that him being there made my day). He made me miserable for the whole two months before the wedding also.

I told my dad that if he didn't show up at the time necessary to take family pictures, then don't show up at all because I didn't need him, I had new family!

alioop4282 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:15 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I guess she's worried about me..that he will start drinking again one day. Well, I worry about that too. I'm the one who's lived with it for all these years, but I love him and he's doing something about it and yes he's made many mistakes along the way but I support him and want him to get better and he is finally.
I would be really sad if she wasn't there but I don't think it's right for her to tell me she'll come to the reception and not the ceremony. I'd rather her not be there at all.

eden Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:16 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I agree, she shouldn't be judging anyone by their past actions. And she should give him the benefit of the doubt. So what if he relapses? It's his own problem and if she's a good friend of yours she will be understanding and support you all the way.

You have a right to say 'don't come' 'cus she needs to be there for you fully, not half-heartedly and not be so judgemental and hypocritical. Unless she's some perfect being, which means she's god in disguise, :P she has no right to judge others.

Good luck!

jessandjimiswedding Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:18 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

if he's recovering, doesn't that mean that he's trying to be better? if she's ur friend for 22 years shouldn't she be supportive about that. how could you have a friend that doesn't support your marriage? are you cool with that? obviously you love your FH and he's the one you are gonna marry. so this friend of yours for 22 years should NOT be there to 'party and hang out'. who does she think she is??? this is not HER hangout, this is YOURS and you FH's big day!!!!

alioop4282 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:22 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

Posted by jessandjimiswedding

if he's recovering, doesn't that mean that he's trying to be better? if she's ur friend for 22 years shouldn't she be supportive about that. how could you have a friend that doesn't support your marriage? are you cool with that? obviously you love your FH and he's the one you are gonna marry. so this friend of yours for 22 years should NOT be there to 'party and hang out'. who does she think she is??? this is not HER hangout, this is YOURS and you FH's big day!!!!

You are totally right! You are so right that it made me cry. I'm so upset right now..how can she be so mean about this. She even said to me not to come crying to her if he starts to drink again cause she'll only tell me 'I told you so.' That's just so mean. Her and I have been friends for so long..she should support me and be there for me no matter what. Even if he did startto drink again down the road, she should be there to let me cry or just to talk to. I don't even want her there at all now. I'm so frustrated. He's trying so hard to be better and she has to be so discouraging.

roroleelee Posted: Jul 21, 2006 04:24 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

Sweetie, I agree with everyone else here...it's practically uncalled for. She is judging him on the past...a past he's grown and moved on from...and it's nothing all that terrible...it's not like you divorced him twice for cheating and you're marrying him a third time. I applaud you for sticking with him on his journey and for being so strong willed....in wedding planning, we often find out who our REAL friends are. If she can't support your happiness, then she shouldn't come to party with everyone else who does support your happiness. In all honesty, she doesn't have to approve of the marriage...she could've still gone to your wedding to support your HAPPINESS without supporting your marriage...although she can't unring the bell she's rung and she's clearly hurt your feelings. Sometimes I think people say things like this to engaged people to get them to call it off....because they're miserable and don't like seeing you happy.

cindyandkevin Posted: Jul 21, 2006 05:05 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

You're absolutely right!! The reception is supposed to be a lot of fun, but it's more than just a time to 'party and hang out'. Your guests are supposed to be there to celebrate in your love and share in the joy that the 2 of you have. If she can't do that then she shouldn't go to the ceremony or the reception. Honestly, you've been friends for so long, she should be able to trust in your judgements. If you love him then she should at least be able to bring herself to like him.

NY031978 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 05:11 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

i agree with you!! Now if he was still drinking i can see ppl fearing the furture! But if hes seeking help and doing something than she should stick by you- just as you would do for her!!!

N.Y.bride Posted: Jul 21, 2006 05:16 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

Oh you are so right IMO!

N.Y.bride Posted: Jul 21, 2006 05:16 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

Posted by alioop4282

FH is a recovering alcoholic and it's been a long road so it's definitely not a jealousy issue.
She doesn't like him because he used to drink a lot. I tried explaining to her it's a sickness just like if a person has cancer or AIDS but she's afraid he will relapse.

and by the way - whethershes a friend or not - thats your and FHs business. IMO it has nothing to do with her.

jeanla4c Posted: Jul 21, 2006 05:19 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

You are so right....I am sorry you have to go through this now....your FH is lucky to have you supporting him through his recovery.....relapses are a NORMAL part of recovery, she doesn't sound like a she's being a great friend to you.

October Bliss Posted: Jul 21, 2006 06:27 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I think it's very big of you to 'understand' why your friend doesn't like your FH, because frankly, just because he had a problem in the past, is IMO, not a reason to dislike someone in the present.

That said, you did the right thing by telling her to stay home. If she can't support the marriage by attending the ceremony, then why on earth would she want to come to the celebration of the marriage???

My sister was involved in a similar situation when she got married. Her good friend didn't approve of the marriage either. That 'friend' however RSVP'd NO to everything. They no longer speak.

MattandTricia07 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 07:14 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

I am so sorry that your friend is doing this to you. And how can she say that stuff about coming crying back to her? That is horrible. You should tell her that you don't want her at you and FH wedding to 'hang out' because if she doesn't support the love you share then she shouldn't be a part of the party.

Good luck!!!

alioop4282 Posted: Jul 21, 2006 07:32 PM

Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]

Thank you everyone for being so helpful about this. I normally don't talk about very personal things on this site but thank you all so much for being there for me.
I guess I understand why she dislikes him because he has put me through some crap in the past..but it's the past and he has changed..I wouldn't marry him if he hadn't. Anyway..it's her decison to like or not like him..but she's not the one marrying him. She should be a friend, not a selfish b*tch. Even my parents love him and they're paying for our wedding! My dad even came to our apt not too long ago and offered to go to AA with him. It's called being supportive. I wish my friend understood what that meant.