What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
Original post by alioop4282
I have this one friend who I have known for 22 years. She dislikes my FH a lot, for reasons that I can honestly understand... She recently told my sister she's decided not to attend my wedding [after she already rsvp'd yes]..so I called her and she told me she will go to the reception to party and hang out but she isn't going to come to my ceremony because she doesn't support me marrying him. I told her not to bother to come at all then..that I'd rather her not come at all than to just come to the reception to 'party and hang out'. If she doesn't support my decision to marry him then I think she shoud stay home because afterall..the ceremony is really the important part. She said she will think about what she wants to do and call me in a few days. Am I right? Can I have some opinions please.
**UPDATE**
Just wanted to say thank you to all of you for reading this and for supporting me. There aren't a lot of people I can talk to about this subject so I really appreciate that you all listened and were there for me. I let my friend know how I was feeling..I explained the extent of his disease, tried to make her understand. The end result was her feeling very bad for hurting me and she wants to apologize to FH for not liking him because of the alcoholism and she asked for us to all go to a movie or out to dinner. She said she supports me 110% and she loves me and she's proud of me for sticking by him and she will be honored to attend both my ceremony and reception. I just wanted to give you girls the update. I feel so much better now and thank you so much again.
bournebride
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
Good for you, I think you did the completely right thing. Let us know what she says in a few days.
mbm750
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
Posted by alioop4282
Posted by jessandjimiswedding
if he's recovering, doesn't that mean that he's trying to be better? if she's ur friend for 22 years shouldn't she be supportive about that. how could you have a friend that doesn't support your marriage? are you cool with that? obviously you love your FH and he's the one you are gonna marry. so this friend of yours for 22 years should NOT be there to 'party and hang out'. who does she think she is??? this is not HER hangout, this is YOURS and you FH's big day!!!!
You are totally right! You are so right that it made me cry. I'm so upset right now..how can she be so mean about this. She even said to me not to come crying to her if he starts to drink again cause she'll only tell me 'I told you so.' That's just so mean. Her and I have been friends for so long..she should support me and be there for me no matter what. Even if he did startto drink again down the road, she should be there to let me cry or just to talk to. I don't even want her there at all now. I'm so frustrated. He's trying so hard to be better and she has to be so discouraging.
She said she'd respond with an 'I told you so' - IMO, she is not a friend. Dealing with alcoholism (even recovering) is very difficult (I speak from experience - my father was an alcoholic) and you need support, not people who will rub the failures of your FH's disease in your face. She obviously does not understand the nature of alcoholism, and if she were your friend, she should at least try to learn more about it so that she could understand, and I don't think she has. Your FH is not a bad person because of this - he has a problem, and actually, he sounds like a very good person for trying to deal with it. He needs your support, and you need support from those around you. Please don't take this the wrong way, but if it were me, I wouldn't want to be friends with her - 22 years or not - much less want her at any part of my wedding.
Please don't hesitate if you ever need an ear - I know firsthand what it's like.
MissMelissa
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
what is it even her business to judge??????? is sher perfect, she definitely should not be coming to the wedding then, if she says she wants to now i would say you already filled her spot, no more room, too many people coming to support you :)
jessandjimiswedding
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
Posted by alioop4282
Posted by jessandjimiswedding
if he's recovering, doesn't that mean that he's trying to be better? if she's ur friend for 22 years shouldn't she be supportive about that. how could you have a friend that doesn't support your marriage? are you cool with that? obviously you love your FH and he's the one you are gonna marry. so this friend of yours for 22 years should NOT be there to 'party and hang out'. who does she think she is??? this is not HER hangout, this is YOURS and you FH's big day!!!!
You are totally right! You are so right that it made me cry. I'm so upset right now..how can she be so mean about this. She even said to me not to come crying to her if he starts to drink again cause she'll only tell me 'I told you so.' That's just so mean. Her and I have been friends for so long..she should support me and be there for me no matter what. Even if he did startto drink again down the road, she should be there to let me cry or just to talk to. I don't even want her there at all now. I'm so frustrated. He's trying so hard to be better and she has to be so discouraging.
OMG, don't cry sweetie. we are here for any support you need. whether it's shoe advice or things like this.
i don't want to tell you to not talk to your friend. but it seems to me she's not much of a friend. i see why you are about to marry this man. he's determined and he's gotta be a hell of a strong person to go thru this. and ur one hell of a girl to put up with it and support him. your marriage will be a celebration of how the two of you worked something like this out (among other things of course). anyone there that opposes of that should not be a part of your day. just remember this is your day. you and FH decide who will be there or not. just make sure you don't regret anything. so cheer up. you're a good person, you know who your real friends are.
greenfreak
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
It sounds like you know a lot about alcoholism, have you been to Al-Anon? You already know once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. He's just dry now. That's a damn hard thing to do, and I commend him for it.
But as a grandchild, child and sister of alcoholics, I understand not being able to believe someone has quit for good. I'm sure you know this yourself. It hurts to believe and be let down, time and time again.
You are invested in your relationship with your FH, you chose him. But this is not the case with your friend. It's much easier for her to give up on him and write him off. You can't expect her to have the same amount of faith and loyalty that you do.
It sounds like what she sees is him relapsing down the road, divorce, heartache, whatever. She could be protecting herself from hurting along with you at what she perceives to be impending dissapointment. Or she could just not be a good friend, and is looking for a way to distance herself from being obligated to respond to you as a friend if he does fall off the wagon.
However, the entire wedding day is a celebration of your marriage to each other. If she is not there to celebrate that, then she shouldn't come to the ceremony OR the reception. Anything less would be totally hypocritical.
As far as what to do with her? To borrow an Al-Anon lesson, 'Live and Let Live'. Live your life - let her live her own. Apart.
I'm sure if you tell her she's not invited to the reception since she dissaproves, she will most likely take care of ending the friendship for you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, I really am. I've been there and can see the other side of it now. My Dad has been dry for over 10 years. We have a wonderful relationship now and I'm so very proud of him. So, you see, there are happy endings sometimes.
petunia77
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
that is a sad story, but i think i would tell her not to come, period.
shelby34
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice]
I agree with you...the ceremony is the whole reason you are there for that day. everyone should be celebrating your unity, not just drinking and dancing.
alioop4282
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
bump
stephanief
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
Posted by alioop4282
FH is a recovering alcoholic and it's been a long road so it's definitely not a jealousy issue. She doesn't like him because he used to drink a lot. I tried explaining to her it's a sickness just like if a person has cancer or AIDS but she's afraid he will relapse.
I think if she is truly your friend she should stand by you regardless of her opinion of your FH...good luck
NY031978
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
im glad she had a change of heart!!!
alioop4282
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
Updated on page one.
greenfreak
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
Wow, that's quite a bit different than what I thought would happen! That's great that it all worked out for you. I wish all the stories women share here have such a happy ending.
ali120206
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
I'm glad you were able to talk to her and work things out!
Mandyin2007
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
I'm glad you two worked everything out and were able to resolve the tension.
Mooshyboo
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Re: What do you think of this? [Need advice] ***UPDATED***
Posted by alioop4282
FH is a recovering alcoholic and it's been a long road so it's definitely not a jealousy issue. She doesn't like him because he used to drink a lot. I tried explaining to her it's a sickness just like if a person has cancer or AIDS but she's afraid he will relapse.
That is awesome to stand by him ~ I know about this disease way too much ~ I give you a lot of credit and you are a very stong women! I commend you and with your support and being there I am sure he will be fine with you by his side...I am sooo happy to hear that your friend is understanding the situation is opting to be there for you and support you as a friend should! So HAPPY for you!
