Brides Helping Brides ™ - What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

xjulietx Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:21 PM

What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

You know the one. The guy who either you never dated or maybe you did date and it didn't work out because of timing or maturity or maybe even distance. Now you are happily married or engaged and he decides to reappear and profess his love for you. What do you do? How do you feel? Do you talk to him?

Edited to say: this is not about me. Just a question because a friend is experiencing it.

yabbobay Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:24 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

in my eyes...the what if lost his chance...

and I married my DH b/c he is the only person I want to be with...

if you are feeling something for the what if...maybe you need to talk to someone to understand your thoughts and feelings..

wacky Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:24 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

Well if you still have feeling for him, Hmm I dont know.

But if you dont just be frank with him.

xjulietx Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:29 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

Not me, not me. Just to clarify. This happening to a friend. If anyone remembers that I was worried about asking my last BM because she is having marital problems. This is it. So I am asking you ladies how YOU would feel.

Don't worry, I love FH more than anything. This is not about ME, it is a question for all of YOU!

mlp924 Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:31 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

We all have the 'what if' guy and he got away for a reason. It's nice and harmless to wonder every now and then but it isn't going to solve any problems in the here and now. If your BM is unhappy with her hubby, then an affair would only unravel things further. It sounds like they need some marriage counseling to try and repair the damage already done.

Kim921 Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:54 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

This actually happened to me. About a month after FI and I got engaged my 'what if' guy re-appeared. This is after not seeing him for over 2 years. Nothing ever happened between us, we were always just friends. Anyway, he came into the picture and professed his love for me. How he compares everyone he meets to me and regrets never having told me.

As nice as possible, I tried to explain how inlove with FI I am and how nothing can come of it. There was always a part of me that thought what if when I was friends with this person, but he in no way shape or form compares to FI. Mike is who I want to be with for the rest of my life, my 'what if' guy went out with the trash when I feel inlove with FI.

I think any doubts should be taken seriously. A marriage shouldn't be a short term decision, your friend should weigh her options, and if she is already questioning her decision, she shouldn't go through with it. JMO.

Tommys_Girl Posted: Oct 27, 2003 12:56 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

Oddly enough this happened to me recently and I told the guy to take a hike, he missed his chance!

BriarRose Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:00 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

Tell him thanks for the memories, but to little to late.
It's not her fault he was too emotionally constipated to tell her how he felt when her heart belonged to him.
Life does not contain a bottemless pit of chances. He wasted his chance to find there is no longer another.
And that is what I would tell him.

halloweenbride04 Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:01 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

My 'what if' guy has reappeared from time to time throughout mine and FH's relationship, but I never gave in, he missed the boat and that's his loss. He tried to lure me away with the whole 'I've changed', 'I'll treat you like a Queen', 'You'll never have to worry about money' act.....I'm not that shallow! I know for a fact he knows I'm engaged now and there has been no resurfacing since. Maybe he finally cut his losses and moved on. I'm glad I never caved and jeopardized my relationship with FH. If it was meant to be, it would have been!

ILT1221 Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:07 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

I saw my what if guy recently after 4 years. You know what...he's still a self-centered cheater. I'm very lucky to have my DH. I was grateful to see how much I have grown.

yabbobay Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:07 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

juliet

sorry...I do remember your last post about your friend

my advice still goes for her

Nora101004 Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:08 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

What about this quote:

If you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours, if not it was never meant to be.

Maybe her husband isn't the one and that's why they are having trouble.

susans Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:13 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

I'm actually lucky in sense that I really don't have a 'what if' guy.
I think that all my past relationships failed for a reason and chances are when you go back to failed relationships, they usually fail again...for the same reasons!! So I never really question what would have happened had circumstances been different in any of them.

If I DID have one though, I would talk to him if AND ONLY IF there were no feelings there at all AND I was perfectly content in my marriage. Mixing what if with an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage is a recipe for disaster.

xjulietx Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:23 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

I have to say that I have never met my friend's 'what if' guy, but I hate the fact that he intruded on her marriage and pressured her to leave her husband. I have no respect for this guy and I feel anger towards him and I don't know him.

One of my other bridesmaids had this happen a few years ago and she told him that she was happy with DH and she wished him luck. He found someone and got married this past summer and my friend thought this was the end and they could go back to being friends. So she asked him how married life is going recently and he said it was okay, but his wife was not my friend. My friend set him straight and told him that she is not the 17 year old high school friend he remembers and she has changed and matured a lot and he may be in love with the girl she once was, but now she is happily married and things are different.

I have told the troubled bridesmaid about what the other bridesmaid did and how it worked out. I hope she, too, will send this 'what if' guy packing. People need to learn to respect the sacrament of marriage and not intrude on people's lives. If a couple split up and then the 'what if' want to try again, sure go for it. But don't stir up a marriage. I am angry about this and like I said, I never met him.

Lunatrek Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:46 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

Honestly, I have never had closure with my 'what if' guy. So if I had the chance, I would definitely want to sit and have a long talk with him, I have a million questions. But that would be the ONLY reason why I would want to interact with him, just to get the closure that I need. I am a married lady, and 110% committed to my husband. Nothing in the world will ever mess that up. Nonetheless, me and Mr. What If would need to have WORDS!!!

jannshari Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:51 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

My 'what if' guy did come back. I'm marrying him next year.

I guess that's not the response you were looking for. Sorry.

xjulietx Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:54 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

Well if your 'What if' guy came back and didn't ruin an existing relationship, that's okay

Xelindrya Posted: Oct 27, 2003 01:59 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

XjtX-

I remember 'her' story. Still think it's an out.

I think the what if guys are in my past. My 'EX' .. the one is the biggest part of my life. Could things have worked, maybe. But I believe things all happen for a reason.

Has she and her DH gone to therapy?

If not, then they aren't even trying. I thought he had made amends with her. I had a feeling it would still linger. I think if she's having 'thoughts' then she needs to distance herself from this 'guy'. Friend or not, she made a committment to her husband that she says she still loves. I wont give up my ex for my DH, but I would NEVER jepordize my marriage on the 'what if'. This is reality. Im married. I love him and that's my vow.

If she seriously wants to cheat on her husband, which is where this is leading then she should think how she would feel divorcing her husband and the chance that things still don't work out with this Mr. If. She should think of what she's giving up. Then make her choice.

Sorry if that's rough.

JMHO

LisaT Posted: Oct 27, 2003 02:14 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

I married my what if guy!

Always had a big crush on him but I was dating his friend. Over the years it was what if I didn't have a boyfriend, what if we had just one night together, what if he didn't move to California...blah blah blah

My sister ALMOST married her ex-what if guy. He was her high school sweetheart, and they dated on and off for years. Then they broke up for good, and after awhile he got married and had a son. Few years later he comes back into her life saying he's getting a divorce and has always loved my sister. She felt like she needed to see this through since she always wondered what could be. See broke up with her boyfriend (which was going to happen eventually anyway), and started dating MR. What If. The relationship progressed quickly and they were soon engaged. 6 months later they were no longer engaged. She knew the risks of getting involved again, but she felt like she needed to see it though so she could stop wondering what if!

Now he's definitely OUT of her system.

I think once you're married to the right person, you no longer wonder what if about anyone...

xjulietx Posted: Oct 27, 2003 02:20 PM

Re: What if your 'what if' guy came back into your life?

It seems like everyone has had a 'what if' guy.

I was talking to FH about my friend this weekend and he asked what I would do if my 'what if' came back into my life and wanted a relationship. I told him that 'what if' would have to go back home and forget about me, because I have found someone who loves me and I love him (FH) and we are truly meant for one another. 'what if' for me was a fantasy type guy who when I had the chance to really know him, I realized he wasn't all that glamourous, actually kind of boring.

I have to say that I am enjoying reading these stories. I really don't need you to give advice for my friend. I am just curious as to what everyone would do if the situation presented itself.